ugh.. I don't even know.. my brain is a mess. I have all these thoughts.. all these questions. all this pain. I don't even know how to go about sorting the shit show of my emotions. I don't know what good even putting them on paper will do.. I feel like I would be writing for the rest of my life. I am dealing with several different conodrums.. My ex of 5 years.. who manipulated me into thinking that she was finally ready to grow up and get her shit together for us.. that text me and said she was going to be the person I deserved and she wanted to get down on one knee and ask my hand in marriage, for the second time.. to then 2 weeks later finding out she was with her bi coworker who had 6 kids and was just married to a dude.. But hey, as long as she is happy. She was ready to get her shit together and a job, it just wasn't for me.. mind you she was taking me on dates, fucking me and sleeping in my bed. conveniently one day her phone did an update and deleted thousands of photos off her phone.. several days before she stopped talking to me.. I felt so bad like she lost her photos and what not... No stupid me lol.. She was preparing for a clean slate with this chick.. they obviously had been talking a lot longer than I was aware of.. and that's fine. She is just the next victim..
Dated a chick for a month or so in between me and the ex's breakup #174982965. The chick was rad. Fit, adventurous, sweet, loving.. everything that I was searching for and didn't get with my prior ex. One month in and I was head over heels. Clearly still coming down from a dopemine high.. I realized that I was in no condition to go down this road with anyone... I had just given 5 years of my life to the person I thought I was going to marry... I had nothing to give myslef let alone someone else..
the ex I dated for the month, her and I tried to be friends... I made my boundaries very clear and where I stood... yet every few days I would get angry text messages guilt tripping me..they text me and said they couldnt handle being friends with me. So we cut all ties.. I randomly would get Tik Tok messages just small talk. I get a message tonight saying they have no expectations when it comes to me, that I'm crazy, I'm hot and cold & I need help... Im so confused.. they text me and say they cant be my friend... we stop talking.. yet now suddenly I need help because they didnt respect my boundaries? I just cant win.. I feel so defeated.
My mom.. God where do I even start. my head hurts. I feel like there is just to much to even try and express, it wouldnt do any good.. I just feel like I am working so hard on communication and boundaries with people... yet I'm not respected when it comes to that. I am constantly made to feel like I'm in the wrong.
