An artwork by myself, inspired by a poem by Richard Siken.
Self-Portrait Against Red Wallpaper
Close the blinds and kill the birds, I surrender
my desire for a logical culmination. I surrender my
desire to be healed. The blurriness of being alive.
Take it or leave it, and for the most part you take it.
Not just the idea of it but the ramifications of it.
People love to hate themselves, avoiding the
necessary recalibrations. Shame comes from vanity.
Shame means youāre guilty, like the rest of us,
but you think youāre better than we are. Maybe you
are. What would a better me paint? There is no
new me, there is no old me, theres just me, the same
me, the whole time. Vanity, vanity, forcing your
will on the world. Donāt try to make a stronger wind,
youāll wear yourself out. Build a better sail. You
want to solve something? Get out of your own way.
Whatās the difference between me and the world?
Compartmentalisation. The world doesnāt know
what to do with my love. Because it isnāt used to
being loved. Itās a framework problem. Disheartening?
Obviously. I hope itās love. Iām trying really hard
to make it love. I said no more severity. I said it severely
and slept through all my appointments. I clawed
my way into the light but the light is just as scary.
Iād rather quit. Iād rather be sad. Itās too much work.
Admirable? Not really. I hate my friends. And when
I hate my friends Iāve failed myself, failed to share
my compassion. I shine a light on them of my own
making; septic, ugly, the wrong yellow. I mean, maybe
itās better if my opponent wins.
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