fluffy cat jumpscare

feel free to call me sam. i prefer it anyway. i'm twenty-five, i live in the microwave that is arizona, and i think i was supposed to be a fuckin' tree or pickle but somehow ended up being a human. idk man i don't make up the rules.

[mysterium-solis]

Sword Illustrations by Ma-Ko (2018-21)

[the-69sin]

[hyrude]

you fuckinng dumbasses are wearing glasses during sex?

am i expected to find the g spot by echolocation? 

[newtgeiszler]

you looking inside the pussy with your eyes? you crawling in there like antman?

[tear-dropp-deactivated20241031]

crying over stupid things is my talent

[kamino-coruscant]

Omega in 1.09 Bounty Lost

[sirenem]

         if   all   this   weren’t   enough   of   a   big   wake-up   call   .  .  .   my   criminal   days   are   over.   whatever   you   guys   are   calling   yourselves,   whatever   the   game   plan   is,   i   am   all   in.

[sleepydebris]

VIBE CHECK! *yearns deeply for you from an unfortunate distance*

[retquits]

no i don’t think you guys understand, i want those unauthorized satan shoes

[brassknuckles-moved-deactivated]

if catholicism/christianity is fake… mary really was in that for the long haul. she pulled the longest con in existence & even got her kid in on it

[brassknuckles-moved-deactivated]

mary’s friend gabriel who knocked her up: you told joseph i was a what now?

mary, taking a sip of her coffee: an angel, gabe. try to keep up.

[trans-seraphim]

joseph: what the hell, you’re pregnant?

mary, about to invent christianity: oh? you haven’t heard?

[halfunbreak]

Miss me already?

[minilev]

Never fade away

[whereisnovember]

Can you marry a mustache? Cause I’m here for it

[tashalyonnes]

Jessa is no bowl of fucking cherries, okay? I know that she is beautiful and glamorous but she has like, a deep well of sadness inside her that most people don’t detect.

[smileburger]

he was a little too excited to see u!!

[doona-baes]

coronavirus preparedness starter pack

[driverdaily]

He loves being a dad. He loves all the things you’re supposed to hate, like the tantrums, the waking up at night. It’s almost annoying how much he likes it, but then it’s mostly nice.

Marriage Story (2019) dir. Noah Baumbach

[megryan]

stanley barber → “[if i had superpowers] i would most definetely be a shapeshifter. but not to, like, go inside the girls’ locker room or anything creepy. i just wanna turn into, like, a giant-ass jellyfish.”