"you really are a freak, aren't you?" @teethandclawsxx - Tumblr Blog

the queue is starting to get hefty and i want a pinned post for this blog so hi!

if youre here due to my increased goretober posting welcome! mind the fact this blog is untagged (except for personal vents and writing) and usually pretty inactive. also, please dont follow this blog if youre a minor.

i do just trawl the tags during goretober so if ive reblogged something from you and you want me to delete it i will just let me know!

wont be posting my own content this year but for my previous years' goretober writing:

2021 i posted a companion art piece for an old bit of writing

2020 i posted here (my actual writing blog)

and previous years you can find here!

#ive had ppl ask before and i dont mind really!#some ppl don't want their shit posted to a gore acct #its that time of year again <3 #sorry i'm a couple days late #most likely wont have any treats this year i'm. exhuasted

anyway whined once on main thats enough

bipolarfujoshi

I am a bad person for desiring anything

#oh hey look the last thing i rbed here is still relevant

bipolarfujoshi

I am a bad person for desiring anything

haha so when does life start btw.nlike when is it supposed to start. like st what point do i get to have a life or live it. when do i get to literally even just one persons priority ever. when do i get to be doing worse than anyone else. at what exact point do i stop getting told 'i would help you but so and so is doing really bad.' like when do i get to be doing really bad. what do i have to do. when do i get to not have to rely on other people or at least be ABLE to rely on other people. how far gone do i have to be. cause im gettin real close to tryin to find out. and at this point idk how much farther it can go before im just ready to off myself bc i dont even think THAT would be bad enough for me to be anyone's priority anyways. and if it was itd only be temporary and i'd go right back to being nobody's anything. like i dont wanna have to fucking compete it should not be a competition i should not have to feel like i gotta say ya idk im like debating self harm if we dont hang bc thats just about where im at rn in order to ever get prioritized. and obviously that would not be chill to say anyway but fuck. you can just say no im busy you dont have to say no sorry [redacted] is just doing really bad LIKE I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WAS DOING BAD. THAT DOESN'T HELP AND IN FACT NOW I FEEL MORE BAD ACTUALLY. so that's cool. yknow. genuinely i have been fighting tonnot throw up for the last like 10 minutes i do not think i am winning this one though. but like hey i dont have any obvious expressions of upset like "frowning" or "crying" or like whatever idk ephemeral quality it is that other people have where people can tell theyre Doing Bad just by how they type. like i said it with my words idk what else to do and i dont know why im not just worth it. like idk i dont really feel "worthless" but i feel like it doesnt matter how much i might be worth bc im going to live and die in the same house in the same 15mi radius knowing the same 5 people and no one is ever going to SEE that worth. and i wish so so so much i didnt live in a world where that was actually literally necessary for me as a disabled person to survive bc maybe then i could go somewhere with more people and maybe someone somewhere else out there will see it. theres a lot of people out there there has to be someone. but i also just yknow want. to be cared about deeply. and no amount of 'seeing my own worth' is a substitute for real genuine human connection. but its so fucking exhausting reaching out when nothing ever changes. i cant fucking take it anymore i am at my fucking limit and at this point i am just bitching and angrily stamping my feet and like smoke is coming out of my ears like a cartoon < god i wish that was true

#vent #i hope the ghosts that read these enjoy my gay little stream of consciousness #where i start off bitching about one thing and lose the plot multiple times. and dont even finish one of my earlier points.#well in this case its more didnt come back to an additional thing i wanted to say. so it may not SEEM unfinished

valtsv

"enthusiastic consent" "dubcon" "noncon" ???con where we're both so neurotic and strange about vulnerability and emotional and physical expression that it'd take a crack team of philosophers to figure out whether anything about what we did together was consensual or even semiotically definable as sex

valtsv

negative/irl death/suicide v

found out the other day apparently "a bunch" of the people i used to know in the city are dead or nearly there at this point. i didn't bother asking for names. every now and then i think about my old brothers and when [redacted] cleared me from our shared server and groupchats, then after a few days (dunno how long, a few messages went through and then one day one didn't.) blocked me or removed me as a friend idk. i sent a request in case it was an accident and every now and then send a message but they always get cleared of course. i dunno if discord displays message requests at all even. at this point i figured i'd never hear from him again alive or dead, but i figure he's probably gone. last i heard of him, him and his girlfriend were leaving everything behind to join a commune, despite him still barely being able to function around one person that wasn't her, let alone more.... and it was a farm and idk about her but i know he's physically disabled as well so. i asked if they were sure and wished them the best but i. he'd been trying to die for like 20 years. yknow. sometimes there's nothing more you can do. the one i didn't really get on with was also. living on borrowed time. so its safe to assume he was included. the other nathan i always thought might have a chance to get better, but last i heard of him he was. in the most cookie cutter suburban white guy marriage imaginable with the blandest brunette imaginable that seemingly had zero interests in common with him. i don't think he took it well when his gf left him, although they were really incompatible anyway but like. good friends nonetheless. so i'd always hoped they ended things amicably, but he didn't want me in his life anymore around that time for reasons i'll never get to know. i heard another specific two that apparently look like dead men walking, and who knows who else from the dozen or so people i knew back then but never really cared to keep up with me.

on the other hand theres this . person. i dunno if i've actually ever talked about them but.... idk a little secret about me is that i love often and hard. i'm like at least a little bit in love with most of my friends and a lot in love with several and it just kinda lasts forever and ever even if we havent talked in 5 10 15 years. and we only spoke like a handful of times but there was something so deeply familiar about them that i was. idk. i can't really think of words that adequately describe it. kind of like love and yearning and protectiveness i guess. if i've like ever mentioned them on here at ALL its to mention someone i knew that had like the most beautiful singing voice i've ever heard (< admittedly that might be a LOT of it but there were other things) (shoutout to that gay little recurring delusion i have sometimes when i sing. [< the one where i have been known to suddenly get the overwhelming sensation/belief that someone has been watching me and for some reason very specifically has fallen in love with me from hearing my voice. sometimes i feel really strongly like i have to go look for them even lmao. no one is reading this its fine]) and as it turns out they're not only fine but actually doing better for maybe the first time in over a decade. they've possibly lost/damaged their voice but quite frankly that's a small price to pay. i actually teared up when i heard they'd gained weight. i always figured if the drugs didn't get them outright, the combo of underweight AND drugs would. or just being underweight. still Kind Of wondering if they'll transition at some point but we shall see.

i'm gonna be honest i felt like i had something i wanted to get around to saying by the end when i started but i really dunno at this point. it is what it is. i've never felt very strongly about people's deaths, and i mourned most of them already and some of them i'm still mourning anyway. there's not much difference between dying and 'if we ever see each other again it'll be in another lifetime.' there's so many people and so much space and i've only managed to cross paths with someone again once, and that didn't last. i tried. a few other times i reached back out to people but. some people just. become out of reach. and then its up to the tides yknow. maybe when i'm in a position to rebuild my life i'll try to sort out the survivors, but for now im kind of just gritting my teeth and hoping as many of us see the other side of whatever this is as possible. (< don't read into that too much i'm simultaneously trying to warm up to write so i'm getting a little flowery)

but i guess uhhhhhhhh tldr; NEVER KILL YOUR SELF but if you do i love you. im not god and i cant fix things and i cant stop you but at least know i'm not mad. and i hope its better. i for one will be here till they kill me though if you want to stay.

keep being like fuuuuuck why does my jaw hurt . nd then remembering What I Did and going ohhhh yeh. that was kinda dumb . tmi/nsfw v

dont really have anyone i feel comfortable just. mentioning this to directly ig but posting it hits different. anyway so i started having periods again for the last few months after my t dose was being lowered, this one is v v light so i hoooope i wont get another one now . but the combo of t horny and period horny is like insane.

so i was trying out various positions w my toy bc its kindaaaa big and unweildy and i have bad joints so i dont wanna bounce all the time. so like i was on my stomach. and i had the smaller toy out too n i was like hmmm havent cum while choking on it in a bit . and then i had the GENIUS idea to hold it so i could just kinda bob my head on it (usually just thrust it w my hand). and THEN i remembered i have a massager thing that ive used to get a little bit of thrust.

so i was laying on my stomach w that going at the big toy in my cunt n had the small one in front right. except ! i was having trouble cumming and got so overstimulated that i was having trouble lifting my head and at some point realized i wasnt able to tell if i was actually breathing at all unless i was paying attention. n like it was fun i didnt get hurt or anything (aside from. the sore jaw lmao) but i was SO out of it i ended up . like not vomiting exactly but after i came and started getting normal sensation back. i realized there was just. so much drool? mucus? that i had gagged up. like it was all clear but there was so much there was a puddle and it was all matted in my hair and shit.

anyway i keep thinking about that it could be so much fun if i had a partner. but as it stands it wasnt really worth it overall. the massager is loud as fuck n it was the first time ive had the house to myself in. i feel like over a year? and the cleanup...... i like to cum n then pass out i dont wanna have to clean myself and my sheets and shit. < this is also most of the reason i prefer to cum last. also just bc i like edging and quasi denial ig but whagever. tldr; i need to get dicked down again.

#no one needs to 'find' this post tumblr #anyway this ones not a vent for once yayyyy ^_^#its just too explicitly personally sexual.#*to post on main #(not really about shame but my sister doesn't need to know my jacking off habits in detail #)