Keith doesn’t stop crying; something that Lance should’ve EXPECTED because he’s been there enough times— be it with a sibling; hugging them after a bad dream, or by himself in the ship’s planetarium; bawling his eyes out to the hum of the holographic projector— to know that don’t cry, don’t cry doesn’t work. Keith doesn’t stop crying… and it has to be the saddest thing Lance has ever seen. His stomach sinks with every hiccuped breath; watery eyes areCONTAGIOUS and he feels his own start to burn. The worst bit though? The worst is that he can’t do anything to comfort Keith because he’s the problem.
The Red Paladin has shouted at him before… but never like this. Whereas raised voices between the two of them would normally shoot his adrenaline through the roof, Keith’s words suck theFIGHT straight out of him. It’s not a reaction he’s used to— it stuns him into listening… and he starts to understand. At first, Keith’s perception sounds like it should be FICTIONAL. There’s no way he could think that; could be so bothered his attitude. But then it occurs to him that he never once checked to make sure that Keith knew the jokes were jokes. He didn’t seem to be upset by them… not to the point of crying, at least… so he just assumed that their dialogue was all in good fun. The thought that, this whole time, Keith didn’t know he was just KIDDING makes him feel sick. It’s no wonder he was avoiding him. He wants to ask why Keith didn’t spell it out for him and tell him that he was HURTING before a pattern could form… but decides against it. He doesn’t want it to seem like he’s trying to shift the blame.
If he was a good enough friend, he would’ve been able to tell.
But instead he just fidgets in the doorway— like a BAD FRIEND— desperately trying to work out what to do. His first thought is to get Shiro. Shiro always seems to know what to say and Lance has all the confidence in all the galaxies that he could cheer Keith up… but for how long? The root of the problem lies within him, and so too must the solution. This is his mess. Roping Shiro into this won’t fix things.
He braves a cautious step into the room, letting the door glide shut behind him. He wants to move to perch on the end of the bed, but right about now he’s sure that doing so would be thedictionary definition of pushing the envelope (and he kind of doesn’t want to get PUNCHED), so he just slides down the wall and sits there instead.
Say how you feel, Keith tells him. So he does.
❝ …I didn’t come here to insult you, man. ❞ A nervous cough. ❝ I know that’s… not easy to believe right now… but I mean it when I say that I’M SORRY for what I said, and for ever making it seem like I had some sort of vendetta against you. You’re my FRIEND— I thought you knew that— and when you were givin’ me the cold shoulder I got mad because I thought youdidn’t like me. ❞
❝ —And as for you being GALRAN? ❞ Lance shrugs; tries on a small smile. ❝ I’m Cuban. I don’t see how it’s any different. Sure, the Galra have a crappy reputation… but if anyone can turn that around, it’s the heroic Red Paladin. So, no, it doesn’t bother me.
You’re still you, Mullet. ❞
He was smiling at himself, but not because he was happy. He knew he’d messed up. He’d simply MISREAD everything that Lance had ever said to him, and now he was being given the consequence. His eruption had only made the tension in the room thicker than sludge, had only caused Lance to feel as terrible as he did, and he felt guilty for it.
The comparison of his ethnicity to his RACE confused him for a moment. He had almost forgotten that prejudice happened. That people actually hated others due to the COLOR OF THEIR SKIN. The reason Keith had been so upset was because they were WAGING WAR on his own kind, a part of the movement that would decimate the Galra, and yet he still did it. He was BETRAYING HIS OWN. Lance never had to live through the guilt of that.
He didn’t feel guilty for fighting the Galra. He felt guilty that he was the thing that was being fought. He was the enemy, and his pain struck him harder than LIGHTNING.
“I…” He didn’t know how to begin his apology. He didn’t. He was going to try. It’d be a mess, and he KNEW IT; he wasn’t as composed as he usually was. “I thought you HATED ME. I don’t exactly understand sarcasm. It’s something I don’t process in the heat of a conversation, and especially not now. Sarcasm goes over my head because I’m constantly in a FIGHT OR FLIGHT mindset, so when you say things like that… I believe it.” He was gripping his bed again, and Keith was certain his tendons would snap from it. “I get it, now, though.” He laughed. Just barely. “I get it. I’ve just been OVER EVALUATING everything. I don’t hate you, Lance… I want you to LIKE ME.”
He didn’t like to admit it, but it was true. He craved the friendship that the two of them could have, and yet Lance had declared rivalry on him as soon as they saw each other again. IT’S WHY HE PRETENDED NOT TO REMEMBER.
Maybe he needed to do something more than just tell him his apology.
“I’m sorry, Lance. I am.”
And he stood, on his own two-feet, FACE RED and looking old. He knew that his behavior was BIPOLAR IN NATURE; going from anger to sadness to affectionate, but even as he wrapped his arms around Lance’s middle and tugged him in for a hug, tears began to fall again. He was so preoccupied with his MISDIRECTED RAGE and overwhelming grief for himself that he hadn’t even begun to think about how Lance felt.
He probably scared him. He had swung his fist out, had banged up his wall for virtually no reason, all while his FRIEND -- that word tasted weird on his tongue -- stood and watched, stood and didn’t say anything NEGATIVE. He’d been so afraid for himself that he hadn’t even taken into consideration how the Blue Paladin must be feeling.
“I was just so worried of what you would THINK. But not just you, everyone. I’ve slowly but surely been opening up to the rest of the team. Allura took the longest, but I UNDERSTAND why she was so worried. The Galra destroyed her entire civilization, ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEMS. It’s hard to trust your own enemy when they’re your family, too.” He tightened his grip. “I was just worried about you HATING ME MORE than you already did. That we wouldn’t be able to form VOLTRON.”
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