Temporary Stability

Burning time as best as I can, Though it hurts more than I can stand. I'm also a writer who might start making art, This is where I'm going to start :-)

[temporarystability]

When Things Fall Apart: Messages In the Void

I've been noticing a lot lately that it feels more and more to me as though I am not someone people voluntarily interact with, and that's okay. People change and we're all learning and growing. A lot's been going on and I do have a tendency to be described as being intense, focused, abrasive, and a lot of similar descriptions. I also understand there's a lot going on in the world and many of us are struggling, which makes it even harder to interact with people like me. And I understand that most people's lives have nothing to do with me; that I am only a character in my own story. I try really hard not to show or talk about how much things hurt. I try really hard to just be grateful for all that I do have in my life because I really have spectacular and wonderful people in my life. I like to think I try to be the supportive person who always cheers for my friends and sometimes for random strangers. I like to think that I'm at least a semi-decent person. I was going through my following / followers / mutuals list tonight and I noticed a great many of the tumblrs I follow haven't been updated in years, sometimes even decades. I also noticed that some of the blogs I've befriended over the years are now gone and empty, so either they deleted everything or I've been blocked. And I guess it just highlights the parts of internet culture that quietly hurt the most. Are they still out there? Are they doing okay? I hope they're okay. I hope their lives are going well and that they are finding joy and happiness and I hope for the best because maybe it's easier to believe that they're somewhere out there, happy, than to think that something happened to them or that I did or said something that made it so I'm not someone they want in their lives anymore. Whether it has any basis in reality or if it's just my massive depression and anxiety feeding on the current events in my country, I feel more and more as though my presence is not useful or needed and that the people I care about the most have lives that are much better and happier without me. And there's that tangible part of things where texts, emails, and messages pass without reply and my phone never rings. I know I am also not the best at replying to things. I know feeling disconnected and unwanted is probably in my head and the truth is more likely that people who matter to me don't wish me ill but they just don't have the energy for me. I get it. I really do. I guess it's still hard, though, and even though I intellectually know these things, it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. I have yet to figure out a viable way to encourage my heart to not hurt. Like losing friends and no longer being a wanted part in their lives, or even a sideline supporter. And there's the frustrating part where I don't even know what I did or said that motivated them to not want me around anymore. I know no one owes me an explanation for anything, ever. But how am I supposed to try to learn and grow and be a better me if I don't know what I'm doing wrong? To those whose lives have crossed my path, I am grateful for you and whatever presence you have had in my life. If you were a passing stranger who held the door for me or if we've known each other for years, I am grateful for you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being you. If you're someone who has chosen for us to drift apart or if we've drifted apart naturally, thank you for being there for me. Memories of our conversations still make me smile and I hope they will one day make you smile, as well. I hope someday the memory of me becomes something positive and not a chore. Thank you for being awesome and wonderful. I do truly hope your life is filled with happiness, joy, friendship, family, love, laughter, and the best shenanigans :) Thank you for being in my life, no matter how long or short that time was. You matter and I'm lucky to have you in any way in my life, even just memories :)

[temporarystability]

holidays

Winter has always been my favorite holiday time. Maybe it’s because I remember when I was little how the world seemed to slow down during the winter months. My family wouldn’t have as many responsibilities for work and school and we got to spend the snowy days out sledding. I remember many of our snow storms seemed to arrive mostly at night and how my dad and brothers and I would walk down to the golf course and go sledding. We would sled for hours after the sun set and then come back and mom would have hot chocolate ready for us. I remember watching the snow fall and reading. I remember the world being so much quieter. Now, 30-40 years later, winter is still my favorite time, but I can’t describe how much I absolutely DESPISE “Christmas” and the commercialization of literally everything. From my perspective, a time of family and reflection has turned into just another sway for companies to abuse their workers while chasing corporate greed. I understand that this time of year generates a lot of the finances needed to keep a lot of smaller businesses afloat but I can’t help but be angry at how all this focus on making money has disallowed pretty much everyone from being able to take an actual break. We learned during covid-19 that “essential” workers are basically everyone in retail and food service, which are two areas where employees are treated the worst. Those who work the hardest are those who seem to get the least reward for their labors, but it is their labors and definitely not the labors of CEOs, millionaires, billionaires, and owners which actually generate all the income for these establishments. Those who work the hardest reap the fewest rewards, just as those who order war are never those who pay for it. During the winter holiday time, pretty much from the day before Thanksgiving all the way until the day after Christmas, I do everything possible to not spend any money if I can help it. I save up what I can and make larger purchases at other times throughout the year so I am not participating in excessive “holiday” profit. I realize I am a distinct minority in not participating in “convenient” options to buy anything through the “a-z” store. I realize how bizarre many people view me for sacrificing next-day delivery or instant gratification in an attempt to buy as ethically as possible. Maybe I feel a little alone in my views. Maybe it’s hard sometimes for me to feel like I’m the only one doing the right thing, even though I know perspectives of “right” and “wrong” are different for different people. But I also feel as though we as a society ought to be spending more time living our lives, enjoying the company of friends and family, and less time burning ourselves out to the grind of companies who do not care about their workers and who will always view their employees as expendable chattel. I know we all feel trapped. I know we all feel as though there are no good or “right” choices. I know we all feel like things aren’t going to get better. 2022 has been a shitshow of a year but we made it. So do good recklessly. Be kind. Take care of each other. And take care of each other as much as we can. Enjoy what parts of life we have while we have it. Take care of the world in which we live. Be the change you wish you could see in the world.

[temporarystability]

20200821: My very first piece of art, using my new digital tablet and Krita! Is it simple? Absolutely. Do I have a lot to learn and a long ways to go? Absolutely! But I think it’s going to be fun. So. Happy art-ing to everyone :-)

[temporarystability]

20190603: Puppers decides to get comfortable in the kitchen of my new house! I’m finally back in my home state and it’s wonderful!

[temporarystability]

20190714: This was the first (and only) Pride event I’ve ever attended. It’s taken me a really long time to come to terms with my queerness and the Puyallup Tribe absolutely welcomed me. They are wonderful people and they made my first Pride truly memorable.

[temporarystability]

20200714: Someone I love has been having a really rough go of things so I decided to try and do something really special for her and bake her a cake! (This is significant because anything I ever attempt to make always goes very badly). I chose a marble cake because it’s one of my own favorites and it actually came out really well! So I cleaned up the kitchen, bought a dozen roses, and made a really nice set up to hopefully make her feel better :-) The cake was delicious!

[temporarystability]

20200719: my camping buddy, Puppers, joins me for my first camping trip in years. Don’t worry! Puppers definitely curled up inside the tent after this picture :-)

[temporarystability]

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Transcription of hand written journal page: [21 September 2019 Saturday I haven’t really been writing here much lately. I think the main reason is because I didn’t (don’t?) want to give my depression and insecurities a voice. I guess that’s the part about depression that isn’t really brought to light often. The thoughts are always there. Always. I have a lot of positive and healthy coping mechanisms now but that doesn’t change the poison that drips in my brain. The parts that whisper that I am alone in my life because that’s what I deserve. That no one could ever love me or be in love with me because I am not a worthwhile person. I am the villain of this story. I am incapable of love and incapable of being loved. I’m a wannabe hack writer with no talent or viable stories to tell. It doesn’t matter if I ever finish my gay space ace trilogy because no one will want to read it anyway. Because my words don’t matter. My thoughts, feelings, and emotions don’t matter. Everyone I care about has lives that are better off without me, and that’s a tangible fact. I destroy everything I touch. The only person I have ever loved is married with two kids. They are successful with so many who care about them. The only person I have ever been in love with slammed a door in my face and moved to gods only know where but she’s probably a lawyer or artist or someone who is changing and saving the world. She changed everything about my entire life. You can love someone and not be in love with them and you can be in love with someone you never even kiss. I didn’t know there was a difference. Now I do.]

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Transcription of hand written journal page: [So you see why I didn’t want to give my depression a voice? No matter what I do, those thoughts are always there. How many years did therapy take? After all that work, all the changes I made, as hard as I try, it’s all still there. The only thing that changes is how I react. I smile and make lists of all the things I’m thankful for, and I really do have a lot to be thankful for because I have a nice place to live, I have a family who cares about me, my job gives me financial stability, I finally live in my home state of trees, oceans, mountains, and rain. But I am alone here. Because that’s what I deserve.Because I am the villain of this story. And villains don’t get happily ever afters with the woman of their dreams. My behavioral health professional/therapist/whatever, as well as well-intentioned people on the internet keep telling me that I just need to get out there and date and meet people and that there is someone out there who would want to share their life with me. You’re gonna tell me that a sex-repulsed, homo-romantic, asexual woman with anxiety and depression, who is absolutely unattractive and over 40, has a snowball’s chance in hell of finding someone who can tolerate me and would voluntarily share their life with a piece of shit like me? Yeah. Good luck with that. “But you’re generous and kind and caring and you’re super smart with a really big heart!” And what has that gotten me?]

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Transcription of hand written journal page: [“a lifetime of guilt, self-hatred, confusion and despair.” It’s sometimes amusing or interesting to me how I know me better than anyone else, and people still don’t believe me. They ask why I’m the villain of the story. Do you want one tiny example of the thousand, thousand things I’ve done? Let’s start with the only person I’ve ever been in love with. She’s a smart, funny, intelligent, fun, selfless, thoughtful, talented woman who made me a better person by helping me learn more about the world, the real world of hurt and injustice, that my privilege had never shown me. She taught me about the plights of sex workers, immigrants, low economic brackets, and so much more. A more voracious reader than even me and a remarkably talented artist, she motivated my creative drive in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I wasn’t prepared for her at all. She’s magnetic to me in a way no one ever has been before. When things between us fell apart, I was in a lot of pain for a lot of reasons. One particularly shitty night while we were somewhere else on a work trip, I vented all of my negative thoughts and feelings at her, including how I felt the same as when I tried to blow the back of my head off with a pistol years ago. She sat on her bed and cried the whole time and I stood there on crutches in her doorway and did nothing but kept driving verbal daggers. It was too much for her. She went and woke up the boss and things got decidedly worse. After the dust cleared and we were across the world from each other, she asked for]

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Transcription of hand written journal page: [space and I didn’t give it to her. I didn’t respect her wishes and I pushed and I pushed and I pushed until she had to slam a door in my face (literally). I was so sure I could fix what I’d broken that I didn’t respect her wishes. I made a lot of mistakes and I hurt us both. I did and said a lot of really not okay things. It’s been six years and I still miss her. I’ve never felt connected to anyone like I was/am to her. I made a lot of mistakes and she was right to leave. I am incapable of being loved and incapable of love. But I still miss her. I hope her life is as wonderful as she is. The whole time we were friends, I felt my feelings getting stronger but didn’t know what to do. Maybe I didn’t do enough to make her feel appreciated, wanted, and special. Or maybe I did too much. Maybe I suffocated her or made her feel trapped. The difference between real life and fanfiction or fiction is that when you’re broken and destructive, you don’t get another chance for love to win. When you hurt the people you care the most about, they are right to leave you. Everyone has the right to their own lives. I will be supportive of the people in my life and help them however they request. I like and share things they create because I know what it’s like to scream into the void. I’ll answer the phone in the middle of the night, while they need to laugh, cry, scream, or just vent. I’ll send cards, letters, birthday, and holiday greetings. I’ll help however I can but I will never again go where I am not wanted. When you tell me to leave, I will, though it might break whatever’s left of my heart and I’ll miss you every second of every day, if it’s what you want, I’ll always listen to you. Because I am the villain your story doesn’t need.]

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Eat the Rich

It seems more and more to me that those who are obscenely wealthy (billionaires especially) are a major drain on society. I’ve personally encountered people who consider themselves “elite”, as those superior individuals who are worthy of worship and of being those in power. It was brought up by a guy I met recently that there are conspiracy theorists who believe the elite population will be safeguarded in key places, should a global catastrophe occur. Today, one of the click-bait options on MSN involves “Billionaire bunkers to survive the end of the world in style” which just reiterates how dangerous these people are. (Seriously. Clicking through this made me angry and sick).

Instead of working to build bunkers to save as many people as possible, these parasites are building luxury hotel-style bunkers, designed for the highest bidder. Isn’t it nice to know that if something happens, only the most useless parts of society will survive? Do these people have any ability to change a tire, plow fields, do mechanical work, create water purification systems, or do any actual labor to survive after the fall? (Survey says “no”, they can’t even do their own laundry, let alone manual labor).

My thoughts about this are somewhere along the lines of making sure every “average person” take note of these billionaire bunker locations and do everything possible (in the event of a catastrophic global event) to sabotage these bunkers and/or raid them for supplies.

To that end, here are some of the details from the linked click bait, just for future reference: -the largest billionaire bunker in the world is called “the Oppidum”, in the Czech countryside. -there’s a survival condo in Kansas, USA, from a former Atlas F nuclear missile silo in rural Kansas. -the USA also has a Vivos bunker in Indiana, which the website says is far away from any known nuclear or tsunami zones, and a day’s drive from anywhere in the Midwest. This one seems the most “practical” out of all of these disgusting pieces of capitalistic greed (mostly because it has small rooms and bunk beds, which means they might actually consider more “normal” people to save. Except rooms in this place are being sold for $35,000 and rooms have already be reserved for police, security experts, doctors, electricians, and chefs. (Any bets on how many of them have white hoods in their closets?) -a safe house in Poland is designed against zombies, so heavy security there. -Germany has Vivos Europa One in Rothenstien, which is described as a doomsday bunker.

[temporarystability]

Letters to the Void #01

To Kristen Stewart,

You don’t know me. I’m just some random person out in the world. But if I ever met you, I think I would like to apologize for my perception of you in my younger days. You are a remarkably talented actress and I didn’t understand or appreciate everything you went through in order to become an  actress. A friend once told me that you have/had anxiety and worked really hard to make it manageable so you could better be a part of the entertainment industry and I don’t know if that’s a statement grounded in fact or a search for commonality but I respect all the work you had to put in to become an actress and director. Thank you for being you and for producing the world you do because representation matters. I apologize for the generalities, stereotypes, and dissent of the voice of my youth in regards to you. I was an uninformed passive bystander to others’ opinions steeped in sexism, misogyny, and disrespect.

I apologize for my close-minded less-than-positive thoughts and I wish you nothing but success in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Someone whose perspectives have changed with age, knowledge, and empathy.

[softdeanoru]

Shut up and dance with the gays!

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Inktober day 02: Tranquil

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Inktober 2018 Day 01: Poisonous

[temporarystability]

While I was out walking around and cleaning roads and sidewalks from hurricane debris, I got a little frustrated with everything because I was the only one outside actually doing something. I was m…

Key take-aways: -be a part of a community. Go out and help clean up your actual neighborhood. Whether you're in an area impacted by a natural disaster or you just see trash on the streets, clean it up. If everyone did just one small thing a day, I'm positive it would all add up.

-be kind to everyone you meet. You have no idea what they're going through or where they've been. Just because they work in fast food, in retail, at a grocery store, or at an entertainment center, their job is no less important than yours. In fact, their job is probably infinitely more important than yours because they actually make the world keep moving forward and society would collapse without them. Being kind costs you nothing.

-do your part to be the change you want to see in the world. The top of that list is voting because your voice absolutely DOES matter. Anyone who says you shouldn't vote is high on the list of people who are greedy and robbing this country of all the things which used to make us decent human beings. I know it's hard, but maintain hope. Keep trying. Vote. And absolutely do NOT stand by and allow the rights of others to be taken.

-give people a chance. We are all only human. Sometimes we make horrible mistakes and if we're decent human beings, we learn from those mistakes. Try to be better every day. Be thankful more often. Express your gratitude and your love for those in your life. Everything can change so drastically and you may not have another chance to show someone how much you care. Being alone sucks. If you love someone, tell them. Always.

-keep working on your dreams. Always. Nothing has to be accomplished at this exact second and sometimes your timing is just off but never give up. One step forward a day is still moving forward. There is no schedule for success or happiness - you just have to keep moving forward.

If by chance Adventure Buddy who took me to the hospital is reading this - it's been several years now. I really am sorry for everything that happened but I understand that things needed to happen the way they did in order for me to learn how to do better. Drop me a note and say hi; it'd be great to reconnect or even work on a creative project together. You remain the most talented artist I've ever seen and I think you would really like making my Explorers trilogy into graphic novels.Anyway, thanks for reading.

Source: https://cajacobs.com/2018/09/17/wtf-is-wrong-with-us-a-massive-life-rant/

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

While cleaning up my apartment, I found a series of stick figure cartoons I drew whe my life fell apart. This was my life at the end of 2013. I’ve grown a lot and changed a lot. Maybe someday, we’ll get another chance.

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

2018 Asexual Reading Goals

I recently found an article by Tor about “Five Books With Asexual Protagonists” and I decided to make it one of my goals for 2018 to read at least one Ace book per month. I searched the…

This is 12 months of potential books with Aces in them. Lots of links to books with Asexual characters or Asexual authors! Thank you to all those who made suggestions :-)