Iāve often questioned myself, what is the point in continuing to live the way I have been living? Sorry if it sounds suicidal, but believe me Iām not, itās just that Iām so confused, well, I mean, what is /actually/ the point?
The things we do, the things we say, the things we think, Why do we do that? Why do we have to continue doing those things?
Why do we always need the best technology? Why do we need to open 10 more tabs in Google Chrome or load webpages from our phone 0.2 seconds faster. Why do I have to believe that a bigger screen is less cumbersome? Why do I have to believe that having a smart-anything will make my life easier?
Why do we need to have 5 slight variations of the same design of clothing Why do we have to eat a certain way, talk a certain way, behave a certain way? Why do we have to have a successful career? Why do we need to be happy? Why do we need to appear happy? Why do we need to do anything at all?
Why?
why do I have to follow other people?Ā Why do I have to follow the rules and laws of other people? Why do I have to be tied down and restricted?Ā
Especially when I think about it, there is nothing actually tying me down or restricting me, itās just my own perception that is stopping me from being free. But not anymore. I am not a robot. I will not conform any longer. I will break free from this hypnotic grasp.Ā
I donāt know. For a little over a year, I have been in medical school. All throughout school I have wanted to go to medical school, but now that Iām actually inside it, I have very much been disillusioned. If I were to describe my experience in one word, it would have to be: expectations.
I hate that word. I hate the way the word flicks off my tongue, the way it lingers in the air taunting me. Itās a profanity to my ears. Why? Because expectations means conformity. Expectations means living someone elseās life, the opposite of freedom, liberty and choice.Ā
Donāt get me wrong, Iām sure other people have much better experiences of medicine, I just canāt stand it when again and again I have to make decisions that I know I do not like nor agree with. Maybe Iāll be able to find my own reason for doing medicine one day, who knows.Ā
Today I decided to write down my thoughts, unedited with all its grammatical transgressions for its raw impact, and at the same time I came to the conclusion that I would discontinue my 100joyfuldays challenge. I would give up. I would give in. But for some reason, I didnāt feel sadness or anger like I normally do when I fail to achieve a goal. I felt relief, like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I was saying goodbye to an old friend, neither happy nor sad, visibly emotionless but definitely emotional. Peace. Joy.