idk if josh checks this blog but
leave me the fuck alone. i don’t want you in my life, or frankly anywhere near it.
relying on someone for emotional regulation is codependent, not allowing your partner to listen to music they like because it reminds you of your ex is manipulative, cutting yourself in bed next to me because i couldn’t give you enough attention is emotional abuse. yeah, i yelled when i got emotionally overwhelmed, that doesn’t make it right but at least i’m not using my mental illness as a scapegoat. i shouldn’t have done that and i’ve learned better regulation techniques, but you used me constantly for emotional regulation to the point that i was always burnt out and on edge. i didn’t leave you in the last months because you constantly spoke about how i was the only good thing in your life, how if i left you wouldn’t know what to do, how sad and suicidal you were. when i broke up with you and you disappeared on a flight i was terrified you killed yourself. you came to see me because you wanted me back, not because i wanted to see you. you refuse to admit when your actions have been self serving and instead pretend to be some selfless martyr when all you did was take from me emotionally.
codependency is describes as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. you were excessively reliant on me for emotional regulation, even if you don’t want to admit it, even if it wasn’t intentional. it happened and there’s no point in denying it. your intentions do not matter when the result is harm, as i expressed YEARS ago when i apologized to you. i don’t know your experience, i was slipping in and out of psychosis the last few months we were together. i hardly remember them. so if you felt abused, or neglected, or whatever i didn’t intend it, and i’m sorry. my actions were hurtful, not helpful. i can admit this fault. but you were just as hurtful and refuse to acknowledge it.
you cannot admit your own faults. in the relationship with yaps you were perfect, from your perspective; in the relationship with me you were perfect, from your perspective; the only reason you left darby or blobby or whoever it was ended was because you were manipulated and a faultless angel. you need to learn to understand how YOU and your ACTIONS have hurt people. you may be a good person at heart, but you’ve hurt people. that doesn’t make you bad, but refusing to see it does.
