Xuebing Du
★
Noah Kahan
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Keni
izzy's playlists!
YOU ARE THE REASON
Product Placement
ojovivo
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cherry valley forever
bliss lane
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Sade Olutola
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ellievsbear
Cookie Run:Kingdom Official!
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
taylor price
noise dept.
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@th3bw0rd
***TRIGGER WARNING: Discussions of eating disorders***
Binge
Purge
Binge
Purge
Purge
Purge
Purge
Why is it that this is always where I end up. Where I end up content and empowered.
This isn’t healthy, it isn’t who I want to be, or how I want to reach my goals, but its familiar. A familiar demon that I know too well. So well that it’s almost normal.
if only my demon would break up with me…
This is a post from my writing blog, if anyone is interested in more than just thinspo
Enemies
Quick, run, and don’t lose your footing or they’ll catch you, I thought to myself as I propelled forward into the endless abyss.
The beasts chased on, never ceasing to hasten towards me, wailing and clawing at the air. The sound of their hooves wreaked havoc on the once calm, soothing spring air as their thirst for insufferable pain drove them on. Behind them a once intact field of wildflowers was left in a chaotic state of disarray, leaving a trail of brown within a once blossoming space. I pushed myself to run quicker and avoid a seeming inevitable death, however, I failed. The beast reached its talon-like hand out into the abyss towards my skin, scratching the surface of my inner arm.
A sharp pain reached up my arm, causing me to wince and cry out as fresh, warm blood trickled down my arm and onto the ground as I ran. Just as I was about to reach safety, I was pulled backwards into the talons of my enemy. I writhed in its grasp, powerless over the hold it had over my existence.
Suddenly I was snapped out of my daze and I was back in the dank, artificially lit room painted a pale yellow, carpet beneath my feet and knife in my hand.
It seems I was my own worst enemy all the while.
Willow
Once there was a willow
Her hair hung long and sparse
Memories dripped from her hair
Nightmares embodied her twisted trunk
She slept by day
She wept by night
Her roots firmly planted
Her branches reaching for release
Each year her trunk grew thicker and her nightmares grew darker
Each month her spectrum of understanding grew wider
Each day she learned her limit
Each hour she awaited the fire of death
Once there was a willow
Standing Up
I only ever truly stood up to my parents one time.
One. Single. Time.
I was planning to move out on the day of my 18th birthday, and my parents knew. One night I was telling my mother that that was what was happening no matter what they wanted. My mother didn’t like that, so she started telling me that I didn’t matter to my boyfriends family that I was moving in with and that I was just another girl to them.
She went on and on and on about how I could never and would never be as loved there as with her and my family.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I always took whatever was thrown at me, no matter how bad, but not anymore. He and his family cared about me, enough to take me in halfway through my senior year so I could escape exactly this toxicity.
I screamed “FUCK YOU!!” as loud as I could, and I saw it.
Her face went from angry, to I am going to kill you. She lunged, and the only reason she didn’t get her hands on me was because my dad stepped in and stopped her. He was really mad as well, but he knew how she reacted and that he needed to stop her.
She ranted and raved and fought with my dad about how I wouldn’t be leaving on my birthday and how she would stop me.
I seriously packed a bag and told my boyfriend to be ready of I needed him to come and pick me up.
There were so many things that night that scared me, and really made me think about what could have happened… What would have happened…
When I went to school the next day I was a zombie, hell, that whole half of the year leading up to move out day I was a zombie.
Moving out was the best thing I could’ve ever done.
If I run away I am lost without you but if I fly away I am unburdening you
I’m here if you need me...
Are there any people who have been through a childhood of toxicity and verbal and emotional abuse? If so, message me if you ever need to talk, I am always here and willing to talk stuff through.
High Lows, Low Highs.
There’s something about being on a high in terms of self image and self confidence that makes the lows seem justified and not so hard after all.
***TRIGGER WARNING: Discussions of eating disorders***
Binge
Purge
Binge
Purge
Purge
Purge
Purge
Why is it that this is always where I end up. Where I end up content and empowered.
This isn’t healthy, it isn’t who I want to be, or how I want to reach my goals, but its familiar. A familiar demon that I know too well. So well that it’s almost normal.
if only my demon would break up with me...
I feel like an outsider in my own skin.
Mediocrity
I have always existed in mediocrity.
Never have I been extraordinary at any one thing. I have always enjoyed the arts, but I have never been the best artist, author, photographer, sculptor, and so on.
I’ve always tried to be, but somehow I am always stuck in this void of being in between good and bad, the best and the worst. I want to be the best... at something... at anything.
Imploding Distance
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had different parents, a different reality.
Would I be more, less, or the same amount of fucked up?
Would I know how to communicate better, and not know how to hide everything inside. Would I actually be able to know how to ask for help or comfort in times of distress?
What would something like that even feel like, being completely vulnerable and honest all of the time?
Would it feel like I am not always self destructing? Like I am not always holding in what is hurting me until I am ripping at the seams and the cry for help is in agony.
Why is it that the way our parents exist is so altering to our own?
Why can we not distance ourselves so far from it that we don’t hurt anymore?
Or rather, why can’t I?