Diários de uma pré-adulta em crise

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Anxiety. Depression. I've been there, and it's terrible. I'm not sure if I'm totally over them, but I'm really better right now. Not only my suffer, but I seen my parents and boyfriend suffering with me while I didn't wanted help, I didn't wanted to do anything, I didn't wanted to talk to anyone, I didn't see a happy ending coming, never.

Now, I'm on the other side, I'm seeing my boyfriend not wanting help, and it's driving me crazy. I feel useless, I'm trying to make him happy, make him not think that he'll never get right, trying to make him find help, talk to someone else. The answer? "I don't want to talk to anyone, not right now."

I feel so bad, everyday I'm trying to show him how better I'm right now with medicine and talking to someone who knows exacly what to say, but he said NO.

And now, I don't know what to do. Sorry mom and dad, now I know how u guys felt when I didn't wanted help, and I'll insist, just like u guys insisted on me.

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Time to change ! (picture take in Cinque Terre, Italy. creds to my father (: )

I disappeared, right? I'm back, and not to complain or leave another suicide letter (i'm the biggest drama queen hahaha).

Soo, I just got back from the most amazing trip in my entire life. Not because it was really awesome, or because I did a lot of crazy things (I really did, but that's not the point), or because it should be awesome, just because I was living alone in Italy, and whatever. I learned a lot, and that's what matters.

I got depressed on my way going to Italy, that vanished away when I was there with my parents having a great time, but then, they leaved me alone. PARTY ALL NIGHT! Yeah, that really happened, that was lesson 1, I'M NOT THAT YOUNG ANYMORE. I was like, dying, so damn tired. And I had classes the next day, and i need to cook, wash, clean, whatever.

Then I have those new friends, I was having my usual beer, loving beer. And they're like, c'mom, drink something stronger, and I thought, I'm in Europe, let's get this party started! Lesson 2, I stopped drinking once for a reason, and the fact that i'm living in another country doesn't change the fact that I still have problem mixing different types of alcoohol. So sad that I realized that only when I arrived back in Brazil, when I lost control again in a party here.

Biggest lesson, responsibilities, I learned that I can go out in the middle of the week, yes, as long as I can accomplish my tasks the next day. You can do whatever you want, if you are able to do your tasks too.

And that living alone is awesome, and terrible. It's awesome having your house just for yourself, I can leave things there, in a mess, and clean when have time, WITHOUT ANYONE COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT. Of course, learned that I need to clean at some time, and, you know, isn't that bad at all, doing the market, laundry, dishes, and all this stuff. I don't have time for that in Brazil, but it's not the worst thing on Earth. (If you put your headphones on in the max volume!)

The worst thing on Earth about living alone, is not having anybody to call if you have a problem, I needed to go to the hospital, and there's was nobody there to stay with me, pull my wheel chair, talk in italian to the doctor, I had to be on my own, I was able to do everything alone, but it's sad.

Now, I want to live alone in Brazil :D, because I have my parents in the same city to call whenever I need, so the lonely part won't be this terrible! But I still do not have time to do the dishes :/

So, let's begin finding a new job!

[thaatada-blog]

Mean Girls

You probably watched this movie, with Lindsay Lohan, I feel like I am tracking the same way in my life, of both lindsays, the one inside the movie, and the one outside. I lost my tracks it's been 2 years, and I kept living without knowing exactly where I'm going, and refusing help, even though everybody saying that I needed. I don't even know who I am anymore, I don't know what I'm doing, I am acting just like the Lindsay in the movie, that pretended to be someone else, so she started to life this fake, and she became this girls she was pretending to be, the difference is that I don't feel like having a happy ending, right now, I feel I will end just like the Lindsay out of the movies. If does existed a 'burn book' I wouldn't write about anyone else, just me, because I don't see anyone comiting mistakes like the ones I did. I'm a whore, drunk, that doesn't see the consequences ahead. I told my friend that maybe he would see in the news 'girl is punched in college', I feel like the news are about to be more like 'girl jumps out of the windows because can't find any answers', I'll try to find, I'm not giving up yet. Yet.

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Blame it on the alcohol

I know I should stop drinking, but the taste of some drinks, and the pleasure of taking a shot is bigger than me sometimes. This last time something went REALLY WRONG, and it wasn't about me at all, but it's my fault, I hate myself for that. 

I feel guilty because I'm not bad for that, actually the party was so good that I totally forgot this (actually I don't even remember, alcohol faults again) but I know this happened, I can't pretend I don't know, actually I can, but whatever.

I'll take it easier, I'll try to, at least.

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That's it.

"...There's no way, It's over, Good Luck.." Yeah, unfortunatelly I didn't make it. I tried to have the most insane routine anyone could ever have, and I didn't make it. Sad, but true, I should have listen, but I said to everyone, if I couldn't go on, I would stop, so it's the end. I'm quitting my job, probably, I'll talk to my boss, but I'm pretty sure I just don't have any other escape. So thanks for everything, see you soon.

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"...when you make that choice, when you decide to turn your back to what's confortable and safe and what someone call commom sense, oh, that's day one. From there it only gets thougher, so just make sure this is something you want, because the easy way will always be there, ready to wash you away

Rise & Shine

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Trust

Trust is based on the time we life with the other person, and the people I know for the longest time don't trust me. It's kinda of frustating, you do everything you can, you don't even have time for yourself, you study, work, study more, and more, and only because your bedroom is a mess you're not responsible. Ok, but can you see the other side? You still don't believe in me when I say I spend the whole night finishing work, and if you believe, i'm desorganized that left everything for the night before. HELLO!? I don't have time, sometimes I receive the homework, and at the same time I see when I'm going to do, and, guess what, the day before is free. Just it. It's really frustating see everything you do worths nothing, the times you think about then, and they say I don't matter at all about you. C'mom, you're my everything! You really believe I don't care about you? You said to me that I have to do what I want to do, so I think in myself first, because for a long time I thought of the others first, and you said i should do what's best for me, then help the others. And now I'm selfish, I don't care about anyone. Ok, really fair. Once I read that, when you love you let the person free, she will stay with you because she want to, not because you demand that. And right now i'm locked inside my house, and you know where i am ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Everybody says that privacy invasion, but i never bother, because I don't lie about where I am. But, you don't trust me, that's why you have the fucking app One day, i'll be so sufocated that I will leave and never come back, that what you want? That's not what I want, so give me space. By the way, I said to you enjoy your life and care less about me, and then you freak out and didn't understood what I was saying, I said to you have fun! Don't worry too much about me, and you're mad ? Ok, non sense. Hope someday you'll enjoy your life, because, you may let me do what i want, but I can be complete happy there, because I know you will be awake in the sofa waiting, I'm not stop going out, you can start sleepping. Above it all, I love you, and I hope someday you understand, and live your life, and let me live mine.

[thaatada-blog]

I give up

Every fucking thing I touch, I destroy, I loose thing, I broke thing, I am clumsy, I am bot carefull with things. So I'm never touching anything again, not even my parents realise the things I do, I try to do. I stand up on a stage tonight while I was crying, I tried to forget everything so I could dance perfectly, for those who counted on me, and I did it. But, not even a, ok, it was ok they don't say to you anymore. everything you do wrong, it's not human anymore, it's because you are stupid, and you can do nothing by yourself without ruining something. That's fine, I can do anything right, do I'm not doing anything more again. Don't complain after.

[thaatada-blog]

Never put my love out of the lines, never said yes to the right guy, never had trouble getting what I want, but when it comes to you, i'm not good enough. When i don't care, I can play it like a Ken doll. But you, make me glow, but I cover up won't let it show. So I put my defenses on, cuz I don't wanna fall in love, if I ever did that, I think I'll have a heartattack. And I'm having one right now, I never wanted to fall in love.

Heartattack - Demi Lovato

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Don't you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you. I came in like a wrecking ball, I never hit so hard in love, All I wanted was to break your wall, all you ever did was break me, you wreck me.

Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball..  talk to me again like it was before, I miss you, you destroyed my heart into pieces, and I need you right now.

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Lulu&Tubby

When I first meet this app I laugh and ran to see the ranking of some guys, but I started reading some articles, and I realize, how fucking stupid I am! C'mom, you also know then better than anyone, and It could be an angry Ex-girlfriend that started saying lies about that guy, and then everybody thinks those lies define that guy. And now, in some days, maybe someone will say some lies about me too. OK, I know I did it a LOT of horrible things, and sometimes I still doing those, but c'mom, it's something I want to forget, something that I regret doing it, and now you'll throw back into my face? Thank you, for destroing the long time I went through psicologys. You'll never know why every girl in this world did what she did, and If she really did, because It was never necessary an app to everyone say lies about me or everyone, the things that I heard about me, I don't know If I laugh, or I cry. 

We live in a world that everybody has a Tag on It saying what he or she is. HEEELLO ?! We are humans ! We are complex ! Not a single Tag will never define us. We can be good and bad in the same thing, depends on what we are passing through. 

Going back to the app, they analise 'sex', in my point of view, you're not good or bad in it, you have chemistry or not with that person, you may say, 'hmm, for me it was a nine', exacly, FOR YOU, it will neeever be same with everyone, so one more time, ridiculous, I am not deleting my account on tubby, because really doesn't matter anymore, I put it in my head you don't know anything about my life, and you can't judge me. I hope nothing you say will make me come back to what I was, I am finally in peace, that I do what I want, because I want, and that's what matter, we all should stop not doing things because of what they will say about you, what you DO It's not what you ARE, It's something you wanted to do that time. Think about, aaaall the people that don't do nothing, don't go out, don't drink, don't kiss, don't have facebook, don't have an opinion because of what everyone else will say. C'MOM, DO SOMETHING, make you life worth ! And don't worry about all those dickheads ahead, someday you'll find a guy that will love you, and love all your imperfections, and if he really likes you, he won't matter about all the shit people tell each other these days.

[thaatada-blog]

I finally meet you, where have you been all my life ? You respect me, you're cute, handsome, and everything I always asked for. Stay with me, forever 💕

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You trust someone, you tell her all your secrets, you look for her when you have a problem, and she can come to you whenever she want, and then you realise that it’s not about me, she only cares about herself, she may help you sometimes, but when he doesnt want to, she don’t really care about letting you down, or just care about her problems, like nobody elses have problems too. Hey, I have some huge problems either, and I worried about warning you whenever I can’t be there, and I know how much small acts matter to you, so why you can remind me ? Im that small for you, you don’t even remind I exist? Ok, now I know you, Im really disapointed, and, day-by-day, i realise nodoby cares about you, you can help those people, even when you can’t do nothing, you can be there, and then they desapear, because you’re no longer needed. Im really worried about other people around me, I just can succeed all by myself, sometimes It’s all about your group succeed, the top is too lonely, Im supposed to learn how to be lonely, but I need somebody by my side, because I don’t want people to envy me, Im not on the top and I suffer. WHAT HAVE I DONE FOR YOU ? Nothing ! You just hate me, turn my life into a mess because you can’t have what I have ? Thats so not true, you don’t wanna be in my life, I don’t wanna life anyone elses life either, I learned how to deal with my problems, And I know you would be able go handed then the way I did. Because you’re strong and you can solve your problems, I am strong, I can solve my own problems too. So let’s left this behind and life together, and learn how to forgive, it the precious gift we can ever give someone. I forgive you, do you forgive me? I know I was wrong too, but you have to see my side, I wasn’t thinking, and I asked for apologize, if for you don’t matter that Im sorry, I won’t worry about you anymore, you don’t mind about our relation as friends, that’s ok for me, and you?

[thaatada-blog]

It comes the time, not to learn anymore, I have enought experience, it's time to pass this experience to other people. They may not be good, or have difficulties, they may be better than me, but that's fine, they would still being my little students. Not understanding ? I was invited to give some dance classes, but, i don't really feel ready, I wanna learn more before I start teaching other. What if i'm not good teaching ? I'm scared. What about time ? I'm a worker now. If I say no, what if this was an only chance, i'll never have again? Ok that's a lie, I'll probably have better chances too. BUT I WANT IT NOOOW. As my mother say " you can't hold the whole world" But I want to :/ I got to stop just "wanting" things, and start doing it, got decide my future now.

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Rotina inexistente

Colocando no papel tudo o que eu preciso fazer: - ler texto de teoria - estudar para a prova de prediais - terminar trabalho de elétrica - estudar para as prova substitutiva de teoria - estudar para as provas de arq brasileira, hist da arq, concreto, materiais e tecnicas de const. - estudar para prova final de teoria e prediais Enquanto isso: - fazer dois projetos - ensaiar para os espetaculos da casa da dança e do eldorado - tentar continuar na minha bolsa E não bastasse isso: - ir as aulas todos os dias - trabalhar E durante minhas longas férias de duas semanas: - aprender italiano básico - tirar certificado avançado de inglês - cursos de: vectorworks, artlantis e sketch avançado. E o tempo ? - para de trabalhar E o dinheiro ? ... Fudeu.

[thaatada-blog]

It comes the time. You graduate in school, you do the test, you wait for the list came out, and you’re in. You’re in college, party all day, all night, lot of friends, and trips, and everything. But there a thing really important too, the college, you have to study, remember ? That’s it, I forgot for a year about this ( not too ) important thing. And now ? I’m not graduating with my friends because the stupid teacher wants to change the college program, what am i goin to do? A scandal? I'm not the type of girl that does a scandal, but I will search for lawyers that can prove they can't change our program, and if I don't graduate with my friends, I will make they pay, my whole college, ooh, they will. That it, i'm angry, they can't do that, and my teacher reprove the whole class, but he need to pass some people, come on, there’s something wrong with us or with him ? Whatever. College isn't this whoole dream you’re dreaming, there a lot of intrigues, and rumors, and false people, and bullying, and all those things. Brace yourselfs. I'm just in the middle, there are three years ahead.

[thaatada-blog]

Ela é uma mulher menina Que precisa urgentemente Ser mais forte Ela quer alguém que leia seu sorriso Antes de olhar o seu decote Ela (se) vê suas amigas se entregando Ao primeiro que aparecer Numa tentativa boba de se preencher. Garotas inocentes não merecem chorar Por garotos que não tem a verdade no olhar

Luan Santana - Garotas não Merecem Chorar (nunca imaginei que uma música dele definiria o que sinto agora)