So here you are again Lawrence, dwelling on your deepest demons and fears. The battle with yourself where you've always been after stuff like this happens. Where you make the somethings outta nothings and so forth. The thing is, you make yourself sad over the stupidest little things where things don't even matter. Props to you again, for kinda ruining a friendship. Kinda... but I finally had to say something, right? Rather than to hold it all in.
And that's the thing Lawrence, you seem to question everything while you should just be questioning yourself.
I seem to always screw things up by... doing things without thinking. Still being that lighter without a spark, and still just swaying back and forth like a circle. And you wonder why no one ever likes you.
But that's the thing... I'm still only learning. About what is right and wrong, and on and on. And seeing if love even does exist. Well about my definitions of everything.
So... on October 29th, I guess this was the last... hang out that I'll have with Lily, or whatever, because... I feel like it's finally the end, and I need to know that it has to end for me. (Well, I won't stop hanging out with her, I mean, just... try to get over it.) I'll try not liking her or whatever and focus on myself. I'm glad though that we went as friends though so that I told her more stories about myself and whatnot. I guess this day was my last call on trying to see if I can have one more try to see if I could have something more with her. But... failed because she really doesn't need to tell me any reason for not feeling the way that I felt or... feel for her.
Anywho, I had fun at the pumpkin patch and was just being myself and like a friend and just talking to her about whatever. At the patch though, this couple came up to us and said, "Can we help you guys take a photo, and can you help us take one afterwards?" And I looked at Lily for a bit, and was like... uhhhh? @.@ sure. Cause I didn't know what Lily wanted.
I posted that photo on instagram, and it caused a lot of attention, and it's attention that I don't need right now.
And that's the thing, it's always had to be about myself first... what I need to do in life, how to better myself... physically and mentally. And I've never really thought about... myself. I haven't felt this way... where it hits me this hard, besides for what occurred after Tiffany. But... the truth finally came out now. The truth did finally get spilled out to many people. Talking to Jerry, Anthony, Justin and Chris, and even Lily about how I am as a person, and how I was never really quite aware of what I was really doing. But I was also kinda aware when I was doing this... "player" stuff.
Truth is... that nothing really matters now, besides... myself to me. And I just need some fixing.
And on Halloween night, I hung out with Jerry just to talk to him about EVERYTHING. How I need to just focus on my own thing, and my future rather than to worry about girls and such. Secrets were spilled, and I just thought of every possible thing to talk about pertaining with what and how friendship really is.
I ended up speaking with Lily tonight about everything. Well my type of closure. And I just wanna be friends. And I'm finally realizing well, it's not that I realize, but... it's better to just be adults about it and just be friends because that's what she ultimately wants. She keeps telling me that it takes a lot for her to like someone... and yadda yadda yadda. But it's okay. It's all on her. Love is a road that goes both ways.
The thing is... my confidence really is just building nowadays. I'm not hiding in the dark anymore with my truths and to be honest, I myself need a lot of fixing. I really do. And I admit it. Lol it was so funny when I did this closure though. I was just being myself... and doing the most randomest shit lol. Lmao I remember just snapping my finger and saying, I can get over you like.... that. But truth is, I can't. It'll just take time. I honestly really over exaggerated that one, but it was lowkey being salty.
I don't wanna waste my time, for whatever it was worth. I dunno. I think she's worth... beyond the moon. But if she can't see the worth in me, then... hmm there's not much I can do. So... here I stand alone.
But... I finally realized that courage is all it really takes. Maybe I'll start dating people now... who knows? Probably not. But... I would still like to focus on myself ultimately. And I've learned to learn about myself more through experience. Just as simple as that. I'm glad that whatever happened happened, and between us, I think there's something special. Because how many rejects do I ultimately get... and how many of them do I actually stay friends with, like for real for real. I don't like losing people. Yet... I can't say I have lost people. Yet, I can't say I've never lead anyone on. Yet, I can't say I haven't been a bad person.
I spoke with Jen yesterday too. And Jen was saying... that I'm a good person, but a bad guy. She said that I'm the type of guy whom if I got a gf, I would cheat on her. But... I myself can never see that happening. I love love too much. And I always support couples. I'm always gonna be that romantic. Seriously. But... this is the end. Well... maybe, cause cliffhangers man... life is full of them. But... I'm happy, and I deserve that. That 95% happiness. Cause that 100% will never be there as long as I live. Cause... life. The 'if' in between life and end. The L and E.
November 2nd, 2017. 9:51am
