Thy Will Be Done

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” - Psalms‬ ‭18:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[thanatos10]

I am really tired… I really wish there’s a reset button

[thanatos10]

They said married life will not be easy, and that is true, but I never imagined that this difficulty level would be this high. I am trying to be positive and prayerful, but Lord, my patience is on the verge, and I found myself being full of anger and resentment. Is it because we got engaged and married too early in the relationship? Is it because we didn’t have enough time to get to know each other more? Lord, did I misunderstand your word when I was doing my prayer time?

What I am about to say is unfair, but it’s what I am feeling right now. My raw, true emotions. 

This is a letter to the woman I adored. To the woman I tried to reconnect with back in 2014. The woman I always call “Koyaaa”.

Sometimes I dream of you, and last night, when I slept with heartache and anger, I dreamt of you. I still have a lot of what ifs and regrets in my mind and in my heart. What if I listened to you back in 2022, after I committed suicide? What if I am still single and we still have that constant communication? What if you and I didn’t get married? We had plans to drink coffee at Starbucks because you owe me coffee. Go to a beach. I had plans to visit your mom. What if I was given the chance to love you… 

My mom loved you and admires you for your artwork. I miss messaging you in the morning and at night. Calling you and leaving voice messages. Sending you flowers, and most of all, I miss our conversations. It’s not a secret that I like you, and most of all, I love you.

This letter is unfair, and the world is unfair.

I guess, I just really miss you Koyaaa

[thanatos10]

Continue or give up

With the recent fight, I question myself. Am I really capable of loving?

Because of my suicide, I left a scar in her that every time we fight, she cannot leave me and do her thing because she is afraid that I would hurt myself. The emotional blackmail I have instilled on her. Now I question myself, am I really capable of loving?

With burst of emotions on the last fight, because of anger, I hurled our center table without thinking. Triggering her childhood trauma on how her father physically abused her mom. The emotional stress I have given. I know I am not his father nor I can hurt her physically, but what am I thinking? Hurling that table it could have hit her! I could have hurt her physically! Am I really capable of love?

Lord, I know you wanted me to learn something. I learned from my mistakes but Lord, can I get a clear answer? Am I capable of loving? Do I continue or file for separation?

[thanatos10]

I wish life has a reset button….

Is there a second life?

For sure I will be in hell for what I am about to do….

[thanatos10]

I am sorry that you feel that I don’t want you….

I am sorry that this marriage was failure…

I am sorry that I cannot satisfy you…

[thanatos10]

In sickness and in health my ass… the moment I cannot perform my duties because of my illness, you decided to step away and leave me. Telling me I betrayed you. What an ass of a vow

[thanatos10]

Have you experienced that feeling you made a decision that you cannot escape?

That is what I am feeling right now. And fear and regret is eating me right now.

[thanatos10]

Kung di ka na pala masaya bakit pa naten itutuloy itong kasal?

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

"Healing is the unlearning of stories you’ve told yourself, about yourself, that destroy your spirit." - Rebecca Ray

[thanatos10]

Our relationship defined boring coz I decided to chill at home and just order food “again” because I am homebody and I’m still recuperating from asthma and flu.

Yeah I am boring….. this relationship is dwindling down. I don’t think we will get married

[thanatos10]

I guess this is really the end….. when all is said and done…. We cannot really find a middle a ground.

Hurtful words were said… rings returned…. The fairy tail wedding is now gone.

I regret going back to the Philippines…. I regret being alive

[thanatos10]

I’m sorry to all the people I hurt whilst I was hurting. I am sorry for not fighting and moving beyond my emotions and pride

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[thanatos10]

How to escape on a decision that will affect not only your life but also your family, and other families?

[thanatos10]

Have You Felt Like Giving Up Lately?

We all experience trials, grief and pain in life. In Have You Felt Like Giving Up Lately?, David Wilkerson takes a close look at the univers

[thanatos10]

I exist but I don’t feel alive

[palatinewolfsblog]

"Gentle Reminder: If you are in trouble, feeling weak and your people are just standing there and don't lend a hand, they're not your people."