That German Guy

[mister-comedy]

[that-german-guy]

Sounds like lots of fun in aisle 15.

[that-german-guy]

Great article on what was deemed "essential" and "non-essential" during the recent US government shutdown and what it says about the people Americans have representing their interests in Washington.

[that-german-guy]

Could the United States divide into two countries? And should it?

Historically speaking it hasn’t been that long ago that the United States of America were far from united. A number of states seceded from the Union and formed the Confederated States of America. A civil war resulted which the Union won, followed by a forced reunification.

  Fast forward 150 years and we see a United States that seems more divided than ever before. Ideologically the gap between right-wing conservatives – represented by the Republican Party and its fringe element, the Tea Party – and the left-wing liberals – represented by the Democratic Party – has grown by leaps and bounds and can be found in just about every major issue facing American politics. The federal budget, immigration, health care, abortion, gun control, the list goes on and on. Throw whatever topic you want on the table, you’ll quickly have an argument along party lines.

  The current shutdown of the American government can be traced right to that very gap as well. Republicans and Democrats can’t sit at the same table and agree on a budget to the point where the entire country is affected and in danger of defaulting on its national debt, which could have massive consequences not just for the USA, but for the world entire.

  While demographics seem to be developing in favour of the liberals, it doesn’t change the fact that the USA is a deeply divided country and will remain so for the foreseeable future. And every once in a while someone throws the idea on the table: hey, if they can’t stand each other, then let them go separate ways.

  Could they?

  A country splitting into two or more separate entities isn’t a new thing. Czechoslovakia showed how to do it peacefully, Yugoslavia did it via civil war, the Soviet Union did it via economic collapse. So it’s not like the idea is unprecedented. And given the current economic turmoil, it doesn’t seem all that unreasonable that the United States might face a similar fate as the Soviet Union in the not too distant future.

  Of course if it was to happen, then the Czechoslovakian method would by far be the preferable. And in theory, at least, the United States would be far easier to divide, seeing as it already consists of States that are independent from one another in many aspects. So if, for example, the former Confederate States were to cleanly divide from the Union States, it wouldn’t be much of a problem, geographically at least.

  The big question then would be, of course, what to do with those parts of the country that “belong” to the country as a whole, not individual states. Case in point, the military. The United States still maintains the most powerful military force in the world. What to do with it? I mean, the soldiers would probably go where their home states go, but what about the assets? Tanks, jets, aircraft carriers, the works? Split it all right down the middle? Put them where they were built? Leave them where they are stationed?

  And another thing to consider would be, of course, if a simple by-State division would work for the people. Do all Texans want to live in a conservative America? Do all Californians want to live in a liberal America? How big a migration would this cause if those who are not down with their geographic allocation would then move to other states? And what about national identity? No matter how bitterly divided they may be internally, US citizens usually display a great deal of pride in being part of the US of A. Could they give that up? Would there be a fight over who gets to keep the name and flag? Which one would get the Superbowl? What about the gold reserves in Fort Knox?

  The list of question goes on, naturally. The strange dual nature of the United States – deeply divided on the inside, firmly standing together on the outside – makes it very hard to construct a virtual scenario of the country dividing into two separate nations. And if a feasible scenario were to exist, then the next question would naturally be: who gets to decide whether it happens?

  Looking at things from today’s point of view, the thought that the United States might one day cease to exist as a single country seems incredibly far-fetched. Then again, how many people in 1960, for example, thought they’d see the Soviet Union split apart? Nothing is impossible. History has seen the greatest and most powerful of nations cease to exist in ridiculously short spans of time. It might well happen in our lifetimes.

  Let us just hope that if it does happen, the USA will choose the Czechoslovakian method and not the Yugoslavian one.

[that-german-guy]

A Nigerian Grad student has supposedly used physics, mathematics, and chemistry to "prove" that gay marriage is wrong. Just read through the article and try not to bang your head on the table too much when confronted with the truly epic amount of stupidity and ignorance in those statements. My favorite sentence is this one:

"And so God gave me the wisdom to use science as a scientist to prove gay marriage wrong."

In one sentence this guy manages to make religious people, scientists and straight guys look bad all in one go. He might well get the Nobel Price one day... if there was one for stupidity.

I could take the time to direct this giver of proof to a mountain of other "scientific proof" that shows, among other things, that people with dark skin are inferior to those with white skin, that women are less intelligent than men, and that Jews pollute the gene pool... but I have no doubt he'd tell me that A does not equal B and thereby my arguments are invalid... or something.

By the way, I know that oil and water do not mix, but water and water does, as does oil and oil. Which goes to show that only like should be with like and men and woman do not mix... I think. Does that sound logical to any of you? Do I get a Nobel Price?

[that-german-guy]

I am Right, All of You are Wrong

I really should stop reading the comment sections on... pretty much everything ever posted online. It always depresses me. Sometimes, on very few occasions, you can find witty, insightful, and constructive comments, but in 99 percent of the cases you will either find people agreeing with a simple “cool” or “you said it”, or people responding with “no, you wrong, because you stupid!” in endless variations.

  What gets me the most, though, is that so many people seem to have this blind and utter conviction that everyone else has just got it plain wrong and only they (and by extension whatever ethnic, religious, cultural, political, or otherwise-defined group they consider themselves part of) have got it right. Not based on any sort of evidence, mind you, but just because!

  You can find endless examples of this. Something to do with religion, abortion or homosexuality? Within the first 10 comments you’ll find someone posting something along the lines of “no, you are all sinners and will burn in hell for defying God”. Because clearly only that one highly subjective and selective interpretation of a book put together from hundreds of different sources roughly 1,500 years ago counts, everyone else goes to hell. Not restricted to Christianity, of course. Same basic principle applies to any other organized religion you’d care to name. Except maybe Buddhism. I’ve yet to meet a Buddhist who told anyone he would go to hell. But I digress.

  How about anything to do with how to deal with children and education? You’ll probably get numerous religious “facts” there, too, but even leaving that aside everyone certainly has a “right” way of how children should be raised and educated (even those who have never done either) while all others are retarded and shouldn’t be allowed within a hundred feet of any children.

  Economy? Oh, everybody is an economist these days. Especially when it comes to how tax systems should work, who is actually to blame for whatever current problems sting the most, and how everything would be so, so much better if they’d just follow this simple piece of advice (insert whatever over-simplified “fact” tickles your fancy, my personal favourite is “just let the market do its work unhindered”). Same goes for politics, naturally. And you won’t make it far through any comment section there before someone is accused of being a communist, a Nazi, or possibly a communist, left-wing, Muslim Nazi.

  Oh, and let’s not forget about science. I mean, it’s a historical constant, I believe, that every new generation of scientists is utterly convinced they have all (or at least all the relevant) answers while at the same time ridiculing the previous generation of scientists for their absurd belief that they had all the answers. But the moment anything science-related comes up, you’ll have nuts crawling out of the woodwork either sprouting popular catch phrases (“Global Warming is a myth”, sponsored by your friendly neighbourhood pollution producer) or – again – quoting from their religious book of choice that this certainly and absolutely cannot be so because... well, because it really offends their sensibilities.

  A decade or two ago this kind of stuff was thankfully restricted to the local pub where like-minded fellows gathered and sprouted off the kind of “wisdom” that adorned restroom walls and otherwise didn’t bother other people. Nowadays, tough, you find them online. And the worst part about this is that whatever outlandish “truth” you personally may sprout, you can be certain you’ll find at least a couple of people who totally know you’re right. Which can be quite dangerous, mind you, because we’re rearing a generation suffering from massive overestimation of one’s own capabilities. Because, hey, you totally have to be great at (insert whatever) when all your Facebook friends and a dozen anonymous commentators tell you so online, right?

  To close this ramble about how annoyed I am by many people, a few short things to keep in mind:

-         The real world is a complex system!

-         Simple, easy solutions usually aren’t solutions at all!

-         Do not look for facts in any kind of religious writings!

-         Do not look for facts in any kind of online comments!

-         Do not look for facts in catch phrases or Twitter statements!

-         You do not have all the answers!

-         Neither does anyone else, for that matter!

-         Certainly not people who lived however many centuries ago and thought the world was flat!

-         Spend at least a minute or two reading whatever you are about to comment on.

-         Then spend another minute or two thinking about whatever comment you are about to write.

-         If said comment contains any of the words Nazi, Hell, Sin, or God, don’t press that “Post” button.

-         If you plan to use words like communist, socialist, or fascist, look them up first. Because you do NOT know what they mean and at least one of them does not apply to whatever person you were about to bestow them upon.

[publicshaming]

Today is the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. It was on this day, 50 years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his infamous “I had a dream…” speech.

As you can assume, being that this is *of course* a post-racial America, the American people...

[that-german-guy]

No further comment required, I believe.

[that-german-guy]

Sometimes you just have to take a picture of unintentional hilarity.

[that-german-guy]

90% of what you proposed is already true in most states. 

IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. WE ARE ALREADY THERE. 

So…… what are you complaints? Nevermind. I have no fucks to give for someone who whines about laws that are already on the books.

[that-german-guy]

Apparently I was "whining" (not sure in what way, really, but that's probably a matter of perspective) about laws that are already on the books in most states of the United States.

To be honest, I have no idea as to what gun laws are on the books in what state, not being a US-American. At no point was I actually talking about the United States at all, though admitedly the whole "cars as dangerous as guns" argument is heard most often in the USA and most massacres involving school children also seem to take place there.

I do know, whoever, that there is no such thing as a national gun registry in the USA and I have repeatedly read that people can buy guns anonimously at gun shows. If the latter is not true, please let me know.

Anyway, since the point seems to be that there are already more than enough gun laws in the United States, yet the US remains the country with the hightest amount of gun-related deaths in the entire world (discounting only countries currently in the middle of civil wars), then that leaves but two possible explanations.

1. The existing gun laws are not being enforced properly or

2. Americans are just more homicidal by nature

Take your pick.

[that-german-guy]

Reasons to love my cat: the looks I get from people trying to figure out whether I tried to kill myself.

[that-german-guy]

Stand Your Ground and Carry a Big Gun

George Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin on February 26, 2012. That much we know. The exact circumstances of their encounter and what actions of either man actually led to the fatal shot is known only to George Zimmerman himself, as the sole survivor of the encounter. The fact that he was acquitted and could walk out a free man has caused wide-spread outrage in the USA and the rest of the world. The word racism is used liberally.

  We don’t know what happened exactly. We don’t know whether or not George Zimmerman was motivated by racism when he decided to follow the “suspicious-looking” Martin or when he gunned him down. We don’t know whether Martin decided to attack the guy following him or simply confronted him in an innocuous manner. We don’t know whether Zimmerman actually feared for his life because Martin attacked him or not.

  We do know one thing, though: according to current US law, the jury had no choice but to acquit Zimmerman. Because under the stand-your-ground laws he did nothing wrong.

  The death of Trayvon Marin is a tragedy, no doubt, and also a direct result of a society where violence is more and more often used as first resort instead of last. The wide-spread proliferation of guns, covered by laws that were sponsored by arms manufacturers, and the basic understanding that it’s perfectly all right to shoot other people for reasons that seem trivial to just about everyone else, all contribute to an environment of fear and suspicion. The USA has the highest documented incarceration rate in the world, over one percent of their adult population. Another three percent are on parole or out on probation.  S.W.A.T. teams, originally intended for hostage situations and confrontations with heavily armed criminals, are increasingly used for standard police work such as house searches. More guns are owned privately in the USA than anywhere else in the world.

  To someone looking in from the outside, it seems like an alien planet. The situation that led up to Martin’s death – a young man being followed by a self-appointed and armed neighbourhood guardsman in a gated community because he looked “suspicious” – would in all probability never have arisen here in Germany, for example. We do have crime, certainly, and violent crime as well, but not the kind where a random encounter on the street can so easily end up to one man being dead and his killer being innocent under the law.

  I honestly do not know why US Americans are so filled with fear of their fellow men. Why they feel the need to carry guns wherever they go, just in case. Why they have laws that basically amount to a license to kill anyone you feel threatened by. Why even the mention of gun control laws or a national gun registry causes outbreaks of paranoia that the government wants to turn the USA into a police state. But I do know that, unless their society changes fundamentally, Trayvon Matrin will not be the last unarmed man being gunned down in the street because he looked “suspicious”. And George Zimmerman will not be the last killer to be found innocent.

[that-german-guy]

Being a White Heterosexual Male

By accident of birth I belong to a very elite group. The white heterosexual male, born into one of the wealthiest countries in the world (Germany). I got lots of toys as a kid, a good education, and numerous job opportunities once I graduated. I am currently working in a steady job that pays pretty well and I am certain that I can easily find a different job if this one were to tank for any reason. I am married to a beautiful woman whom I love and adore.

  For me, the world is a pretty good place, and most things have fallen into place with barely any hardship. That isn’t to say that I don’t work hard at my job or didn’t have to study hard in school. I am not a lazy slob or anything. Still, all things considered, I never really did have it hard.

  Intellectually I know that I am very lucky and that most other people in the world don’t have it this easy. But on a gut level it’s hard to wrap my mind around it, simply because there are so many things that have never happened to me and probably never will happen to me.

  ·        Nobody will ever assume that I can’t do the job as well just because I have breasts and no penis.

·        I will probably never receive fearful glances in the subway because of my dark skin.

·        The question of where to get food will never be any harder than figuring out where the nearest supermarket is.

·        I will never be expected to cover up my entire body, walk six paces behind my spouse, or to only leave home in the presence of a male relative because of religious reasons.

·        I will never feel the need to keep my true sexual orientation a secret for fear or reprisals.

·        I will never be told what I can or can’t do regarding my reproductive organs.

  This lack of negative experience coupled with an almost ingrained sense of entitlement that stems from our cultural heritage as the ones who were always in charge is probably why so many white men, especially old white men, have such problems recognizing their own innate racism and ignorance.

  Or simply put: many straight white men can’t get past the feeling that, being straight white men, they should be in charge and free to do whatever they want. And this doesn’t just apply to arch-conservatives who’d like nothing better than to restrict voting rights to straight white men. To a certain degree it also applies to many self-proclaimed liberals who feel that they are the only ones who can save/change the world and help all those poor, helpless masses, because they certainly can’t help themselves now, can they? 

  Straight white men are responsible for many of the worlds problems, no doubt. They are still in charge in many parts of the world and more often than not a hindrance to progress. So with that in mind: should I feel guilty about being a straight white man who never had and probably never will have it as hard as most other people?

  My personal answer is: no. I won’t feel guilty about it. But I will and must always keep it in mind when I presume to judge others. It’s easy to preach when everything seems so easy to us. But it’s not quite that easy for most other people.

[kateordie]

A new comic, and some words to go with it.

[that-german-guy]

Days like these I'm very glad that I don't live in the USA.

[that-german-guy]

Welcome to the Villain Club, America

Ever since a fellow called Edward Snowden embarrassed the United States in front of the entire world, the discussions have gone on. Is Snowden a hero or a traitor? Does the US have the right to spy on other countries? Is what the NSA is doing any different than the stuff other countries’ intelligence agencies are doing? How many other countries are complicit?

 Here in Germany the rumor mill is running riot about whether or not our own intelligence agency, the BND, actually helped the NSA or not and how much, if anything, our esteemed Chancellor Merkel might have known about it.

 I would like to take this opportunity, though, to officially welcome America to the Villain Club.

 What is the Villain Club, you ask? Well, I will explain. The Villain Club is an elite group of countries that are, for lack of a better word, villainous. Now you might ask: aren’t all countries villainous to a certain degree? Why sure, young grasshopper, they are. But the normal scope of villainy isn’t enough to get you into the Villain Club. No! Not only do you have to be villainous, you have to be better at it than anyone else.

 Chair-country of the Villain Club is, of course, Germany. Why? Because 75 years ago we got busy wiping out another people, the Jews. Were we the first to try and wipe out another people? Far from it. Humans have been trying to wipe each other out as far back as we can remember. Killing another people wholesale is not a German invention. Heck, even trying to wipe out the Jews specifically is not a German invention, either. So why is the first thing many people think of when they hear the word ‘German’ still “those guys who followed Hitler and tried to wipe out the Jews”? Simple, young grasshopper. Scale!

 Now to clarify: this is neither meant to excuse the Holocaust in any way, nor is it meant to say that America spying on other nations is in any way on the same scale as the Holocaust. It is just a parallel meant to explain why so many people are currently pissed at the United States. Sure, everyone knows countries spy on each other. That’s old news. But in this case? Scale!

 Opening and scanning your own citizens’ mail? Bugging the transatlantic cables to filter all data traffic? Listening in on cell phone conversations at home and abroad? All of it without a search warrant or any kind of reasonable suspicion? Even listening in on your supposed allies during trade negotiations? Congratulations, America! You have graduated from “bad things all countries do” to “bad things no other country does on this scale”. So now you’re the bad guys.

 Welcome to the Villain Club! We meet Sundays, dinner jackets optional.

[that-german-guy]

Guns don’t kill people, drunk drivers kill people!

Or something to that effect. As the debate on gun control continues (though at a slower pace seeing as we haven’t had a massacre of school children in the last, oh, seven months?), one argument that pro-gun activists keep bringing up is that a lot of people are killed by cars, too, and yet no one has talked about outlawing cars, either. Which is a fair point, mind you. Cars are dangerous, lots of people are killed in car accidents, yet we keep putting out new cars.

But what exactly do you have to do before you’re allowed to drive around in a car?

First off, you have to go through driver’s education, a certain number of hours studying under a qualified, licensed instructor. Then you have to pass a driver’s test, given to you to by a different, qualified, licensed instructor. And once you have passed that test, you are issued a driver’s license.

Now you go and buy a car. What do you have to do? Pay whatever amount you and the car dealer manage to agree on, naturally, but what else? You have to put down proper identification. You have to register your vehicle and put license plates on it so that the authorities can always track your vehicle back to you. And finally, you need mandatory car insurance so that, in case something happens, whatever damages are caused by your car are paid for.

So you’re equating guns to cars? Fine with me, but then we must carry it through all the way.

So I want to buy and carry a gun? First thing, I need a general gun permit. Meaning I have to pay a qualified, licensed instructor to put me through a certain number of hours on the shooting range. Then, a separate qualified licensed instructor takes me through a test where I have to show that I can use the gun safely without injuring myself or others.  If I pass, I’m issued my gun permit.

Now I want to go out and buy a gun. Before I can take the gun home with me, I need to show my gun permit, full identification, and then I need to register my newly acquired gun with the proper authorities. Only THEN can I take it home with me. And let’s not forget: mandatory insurance. If I want to own and carry a gun, I need to have an insurance to make sure that if something happens – i.e. the gun goes off and blows out someone’s window, just to name a non-personal injury – the injured party knows the damage will be paid for.

Now I have my gun permit and my registered gun and mandatory gun insurance, everything’s fine, right? Sure, but just as there are certain regulations I need to adhere to with a car, same goes for me and my shiny new gun. First off, no carrying while intoxicated. If I get caught driving drunk, even if no one is injured, I get fined and my permit gets suspended for limited time period. Same if I get caught carrying my gun while intoxicated. If a car is too dangerous to handle while drunk, it should go double for a gun. Get caught carrying while drunk, lose your permit for x months. Permanent loss for repeat offenders.

And we’re still not done yet. Someone takes your car and commits a felony with it? You’re liable. It’s one thing if it got stolen and you notified the cops at first opportunity, but if it’s someone you voluntarily gave your car to, i.e. your offspring or spouse, well then tough luck, you’re liable. Same with my shiny new gun.  It gets stolen from my properly locked gun safe by a burglar and I notify the cops at earliest opportunity? I’m golden. It gets stolen from my unlocked car or from my open gym bag which I left lying unsupervised on the park bench? I’m liable for any damages it does and from my own pocket, too, as the insurance company will rightfully claim negligence on my part.

So that’s how gun and cars compare. You want to own a gun? Fine by me. But considering that a gun is potentially at least as lethal as a car, the process and restrictions should at least be just as strict. Can you live with that? I certainly could.

[that-german-guy]

The 10 Greatest Stupidities of Christian Conservatives

Just to clarify: I am what you would call an Agnostic, meaning someone whose opinion on whether or not there is a God or any other form of higher power is still out. I am, however, very certain that pretty much all the established organized religions have it dead wrong. That is not, however, the point of this little article. The point is to make fun of people who can’t even get their own beliefs straight or recognize utter bullshit when they see it. So here goes:

1.       Jesus Christ was a white man with long brown hair Naturally, because there were so many white people hanging around the Middle East 2,000 years ago. Fact is, if Jesus did exist, he was a dark-skinned dude with black hair.

2.       Jesus Christ was a fierce opponent of homosexuality Most certainly the son of God opposed the heathen practice of men boinking men or women boinking women because... well, actually there is not one word written in the Bible on the topic, but he has to have been, right? Right?

3.       The God from the Old Testament and the God from the New Testament are the same guy Because it’s entirely natural for someone who has been raining fire and brimstone down on cities full of sinners and flooding entire worlds to simply turn around and say “oh, you’re still sinning? Fine, here’s my son. Kill him so I may forgive you!” Maybe there is a missing chapter in the Bible which explains how God met Bhudda and got told “man, the whole fire and brimstone thing? Not cool, man! Not cool!”

4.       Jews are evil because they killed Jesus Christ Well, no, they didn’t. Even if one is to believe the Bible, it was still the Romans who did it. Having occupied and ruled the area at the time, they were the only ones with the power to decide who got to live and who was to be crucified. So even if the whole thing with Pontius Pilatus happened exactly as it is written in the Bible, it was still the Roman viceroy who made the final call, however much he might have washed his hands of the thing.

5.       The Earth was created 6,000 years ago I mean, come on! Who are you gonna believe? Hundreds of scientists who have painfully studied fossils from around the globe, developed the technique of carbon dating, and worked their asses of for decades? Or some guys who took an old book that contains no dates or time references, was written by dudes who thought the Earth was flat, and has been edited more times than anyone can count, and extrapolated a rough estimate from it?

6.       You can’t prove that God does NOT exist! No, I can’t. But neither can you prove that Zeus does not exist. That Odin does not exist. That Allah does not exist. That little grey aliens with a fetish for anal probes do not exist. That Bigfoot does not exist. That the Loch Ness monster does not exist. That... I hope you get the point.

7.       The Bible is a literal, unchanging truth that applies today as well as 2,000 years ago Yup, that’s why we still make women suspected of unfaithfulness drink poison to prove their innocence, why we still kill people for touching unclean pig skin, and stone people to death for working on the holy Sabbath. Certainly people from 2,000 years ago, who thought the world was flat and that the sun revolved around it knew everything there ever was to know about the world, past, present, and future.

8.       Without religion you are incapable of having morals, ethics, and compassion Of course, because people who do NOT believe in any kind of God have committed untold atrocities across history, slaughtered millions, exterminated entire people, and... no, wait a minute. Forget I said anything, I was thinking of someone else.

9.       Our God is a loving God Which is why he has a place of eternal torment ready and waiting, just in case you break any of his rules, believe in some other God, or... you know, actually give in to any of the myriad urges he has installed within us when he created us. I mean, have you ever actually read the Bible? Technically we’re not allowed to go to the bathroom.

10.    All the other religions are made-up fairy tales, but ours is the one true faith Yeah, who in their right mind would believe all these made-up stories about invisible deities in the sky who created the world, talking snakes, rains of fire, the whole fish-bread-thing and... you know what? I kinda lost track. Which fairy tale were we talking about again?