That Maria Girl

Just playing Pits & Peaks in her pensieve * Europe 

[thatmariagirl]

Another, even more meaningful update

This is just an update that as of now, we’re a family of four. I thought this blog deserved the news.

[thatmariagirl]

[thatmariagirl]

Fast forward 2 years

Reading this diary of mine now, I realized this deserves some kind of happy ending, so here it is. 

After the last post (2018), I entered a phase of not caring about anything, not trying hard to meet new people and just... being. During that year, I’ve kind of restarted my social bubble. I started hitting the gym and sauna 2 or 3 times a week, meeting my girl friends regularly, in-line skating with one of them, concentrating more on myself. I cut contact with a few male friends including Logan when I realized they don’t have anything to offer to me anymore and the way they treat their (unsuspecting) girlfriends or the way they talk about them suddenly didn’t seem funny but wrong. I’ve changed. I’ve stopped being so ironic and started being more empathetic.

Two my best friends from the uni who live abroad for several years broke up with their partners and came back, so we reunited, which gave me new ways to spend my time, to replace the empty spaces after the shallow people who I deliberately removed from my life. I met many new people thanks to these two, and I introduced them to my old friends. A bigger group was created.

I’ve met yet one more meaningful guy, Anime Guy, who shared the interest in anime with my uni friend: so I was finally introduced to Samurai Champloo and other pieces from Japanese culture and lo-fi-ronin hip-hop-kind of music. I was also shown what it is like when you sleep in forests and other amazing stuff. This guy gave me so much. We officially (yeah, wow) dated for several months until he confessed he’d been emotionally very down for a few years and he never feel love, strong passion or happines since a long time ago. Even though we split, we remained friends without any side intentions. We even planned going abroad together, explore mountains, but this didn’t happen because...

One month after the breakup with Anime Guy, I met my current boyfriend. This was a year ago - a friend of mine pushed me into a challenge and we both Facebook-friended some new people. And this one guy reacted - he actually found it absurd that he would be friended by a stranger girl - he thought we probably knew each other already. We didn’t hit it off immediately. I remember I just kept wanting to see him because it was so easy to talk about anything until the café closed at midnight, and there was no pressure to decide whether we should date or not. Our first meeting wasn’t really a date. It was an experiment on both sides, and I even considered him just a friend for about a month. However, we had everything in common - we’d travelled through exactly the same places, wore the same jersey number when we were active athletes, showed each other our life-saving scars on the belly. The fact that it took us this “long” to de-friendzone each other must be the proof that we were (hopefully) mature. I didn’t care too much about what the outcome would be, which was why it was so effortless from the beginning.

So I found it weird to be travelling with the Anime guy when I already had someone who liked me and wanted to travel with me as well, so in three months, we visited Asia. It was at the top of a volcano where he told me we should move together. So we did, 5 months after we started dating. Then my health issue came and he was an amazing support. Now it’s been a year of having probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. I had a surgery a month ago and all seems great now. It took me three years to find him but it was worth it.

[thatmariagirl]

The mistakes you don’t realize

So the meetings with Neo were stable for 7 weeks and then we cut if off. Compared to Gambler, who showed me to his friends after the first week, with Neo everything was really slow, even to the point of me wondering if it leads anywhere. So at the end of week six I expressed my curiosity about how his home full of flatmates looks like (which was also me plotting how to meet them and if he even lets me) and I was introduced. I also asked if we date exclusively, which he confirmed.

But not long after that, he pulled away and explained that we’ve been seeing each other long enough for him to developed some feelings… which just weren’t there. This was a surprise. I thought he was so into me the first weeks. He frequently texted me how much he was looking forward to meeting me again, how much he enjoyed our meetings, complimented my looks, kissed my forehead, massaged my back or just sat there and cuddled for half an hour without saying anything.

I was confused because I didn’t do anything wrong! Or did I? So in the middle of the night when I just couldn’t sleep, I thought about it and found a dozen of things that went wrong.

1. he was really busy with his new work stuff, and during our once a week meetings, we almost stopped doing the fun, adrenaline stuff and just were happy for a dinner or drink, Netflix and chill

2. I felt the need to tell him that even though we could have our cuddle nights, it will not be just casual sex; this may have changed the light-hearted fun dynamics we had until then

3. everytime he was free, he rushed to see me, sometimes he sacrificed his free evening or rescheduled friendly meetings, and I saw that and I (over)complimented him about everything, even though I also told him that I don’t want him to stop seeing friends because of me (he said “Oh it’s no big deal”), but apparently it freaked him out and his internal reaction was “omg, she thinks I’m really trying because I care so much, I should slow down”

4. the last time I saw him, he said he’s really bad in making more time for me, so I suggested we could hang out with friends and not scheduling our time for them separately, and when he planned to leave to see his family for the whole three days, I told him he can spare one of these days for us. I didn’t realize I’m treating us like a couple already and this was the last thing he needed to start thinking about his connection.

5. Maybe due to worrying, I wasn’t my true self. Maybe I was too 2-dimensional. Maybe my communication was forced, affected sometimes.

So here I am again. I must have some serious attachment problems because I just couldn’t let if flow effortlessly. I picked the first clues of his attraction and fell head over heels but constantly worried if he’s on the same page. Next time I’m trying taking it really slow and no Netflix and chill untill I know the person actually feels something. But in this sad mood I’m in now I have a feeling that it will be hell. I created this horrible self-fulfilling prophecy and I’m almost sure the spark was there at the beginning.

[thatmariagirl]

Accept the darkness and you will find happiness

So it’s been about a month since we cut it off with Gambler. When that happened, I couldn’t imagine I could let go this easily. Accepting the situation was the hard part. Once it was done, realizing I could be even happier with someone else was quite easy.

I spent days thinking what was the point of this. Why it even happened. To me. Although I’m an extremely rational person, I convinced myslef that this somehow needed to happen, that it was part of the right path of my life. That I needed to meet him and experience it all in the past because otherwise I’d never meet the person I was supposed to meet in the future. Butterfly effect. I convinced myself that he, who lost his morals after his breakup and started sleeping around (he came to the conclusion that bad guys get better than nice guys, so he didn’t care that much about that no strings attached stuff) probably didn’t deserved me or anything that comes with the ravishing creature aka myself, while I surely deserved something better than a naive guy with a pregnant ex.

In the middle of all the bullsh*t he told me to excuse himself, Gambler said one important thing: You are amazing and you can have anyone you want. As deceitful as it seemed (especially when this was not the first time I heard this from someone), I took this as my starting point, and when I crawled from the huge heap of mud, I said “Why not! He’s right!” and started dating again, two weeks after the bad news.

So I had a breakfast one day with the most handsome, always-smiling gentleman who looks like Neo. And I fell for him right that morning. If I needed ten dates with Gambler to start liking him, it was just 90 minutes with Neo, who made me laugh so much despite the fact that I was still kinda hurt by Gambler. Now after two weeks I’m quite uninterested about anything that happens in Gambler’s life. I just know that what he did was a huge withdrawal from his karma. And if Newton’s laws work, my karma will repay me with something even better :)

[thatmariagirl]

Soap opera again - you wouldn’t believe this

Quick update. A week ago I was as happy as I haven’t been for years. What happened then: Gambler’s ex texts him that she’s pregnant. He tells me he still wants to be with me. I spend a few days wondering if I could handle such a burden. I decide it may be worth it. Spoiler: No it’s not. 

So we had this discussion about him not wanting me to suffer any more, he compliments everything about me, how amazingly we fit together, how easy it will be for a person like me to move on and be happy with someone else, how happy he was in the past seven weeks. How even a few hours ago he still considered he’d stay with me. He says he’s doing this for the child, but believes they could make it work even though she made him suffer so much. He says he took me to discuss his housing situation because he hoped he’d live there with me one day, even though we only met weeks ago. He says he’ll never find someone like me again, and adds that he knows how down he’ll feel when he gets home, though he believes this is the right thing to do. He says (this will be so stupid omg) he didn’t give me any flowers and I deserve them and asks if he can still visit me one day with a bouquet and keep me in his life somehow. I say I can’t imagine that and try not to cry.

He then tries to defend why he’d like to stay with someone who *dumped him several times after keeping promising she’d move in with him one day  *got mad when she heard he’s dating someone and in that point she stated she wants him back *made him compromise his morals and values - after he suffered so much, he realized he couldn’t possibly be happy and still be the good guy (the one he was with me), so he practiced post-breakup sex, no strings attached and thought it would help - at the end she’s making him a worse person *also slept with someone else yet he believes it only happened once and safely (despite she had never used any protection with him, not even the first time) and he is the father of the child. She broke so many promises she gave him but he still believes everything was his fault. Isn’t he naive? His friend told him he’s an idiot, warning him that he can’t trust her anymore. Half of me admires him for wanting to be a good father and believing in happy endings, the other half hates him so much right now.

No I’m not making this up. But I can’t believe this can possibly happen to someone. So much sh*t.

[thatmariagirl]

Summer spent well

I can’t believe I’ve been silent for so long! So here’s what has been happening.

As for Spaceboy, we had some friendly beer and dinner in July. The sweetest moment was when I mentioned his meal looked really tasty and he spared a few bits for me. He said he was full, but I’m almost sure he just did it for me. Aww. I melted in that moment. We had the best conversation ever that day - about financial bubbles, new technologies and media and society. Besides his gentle manners, his way of thinking was what I loved most about him. We both studied this field and very few people are on the same page as us. We still care for each other, but there was one major thing I realized. Even though it’s good, it has never been that good; it has never been enough. His way of caring about me is still subordinate to him thinking about himself. And there must have been a single tiny piece that didn’t seem to click.

The Organizer is still a dear friend of mine. I realized my chemistry is not that strong, but it seems it’s the same for him. A week after the meal with Spaceboy, I had a very similar talk with Organizer, who specializes in finance, so he explained how the banking and energy bubble cannot simply burst and turn us back into agricultural society. Unlike Spaceboy, Organizer is an optimist, and so am I. After another meetup with him, I decided to join his group for a roadtrip later this month, because I really like his friends.

I had a delayed birthday party planned by Logan. He took me to a random outdoor festival he saw from the tram that day and then he cooked me spaghetti (he cooked me!), we had a wine, smoked a little and had our usual conversations. When I showed surprise that he could cook, he said “I’m the perfect guy, you know. Except for one thing. I’m a total dick. And you are the perfect girl. Except for one thing.” “I think about things too much.” “Exactly.” Surely one of the best birthday parties I had. 

In July I took part in a meetup of some random people. And there I met Gambler. He took me for a beer the next day. I liked him from the beginning - tall, some muscles, handsome - but it took three dates to dig the chemistry. His character helped a lot. We share opinions on politics, animal wealth, we both love sports, don’t count money so much, are (socially) intelligent... And in that month and a half, I was treated like a princess. It took him just two weeks to introduce me to his friends (he never saw mine). He cooked for me. He was protectively jealous when his acquaintance tried to flirt with me. He spent a weekend in the mountains with me. He took me to a whirlpool. We never gave it a label, but who needs one with such a guy. Several moments could lead to a fight or disagreement, but the way I handled it - he told me I really know how to talk to him and my value in his eyes keeps growing. We spend weekends separately but I don’t even care. He’s one of the many now who considers me a calm girl, not the emotive and needy one (my past year’s progress!). Despite all of this, I’m careful. I don’t know him as much as Spaceboy, not even as Logan. These days he’s doing some steps in his housing situation and invites me as a discussion partner. I find it harder to give him the neutral advice when I’m dating him and his home might be my sleepover place for some days a week and later possibly even more. I don’t want to push anything so this will need to be treated carefully. My roadtrip might show where we stand - it will give us the 10-day distance we’ve never had since we met.

PS: these were all peaks. I don’t have the pits anymore!

[thatmariagirl]

Hello, free time

The reason I’ve been so silent recently is that I’ve been busy as hell with some very important stuff. But now it’s all done! :) I’ve started attending some sporting meetings with various people, and public lectures alone. A girl friend of mine bought a coaching program with me, so I can’t wait to hear all those podcasts.

Me and Logan got friendly again. He’s rarely in the city now, but he planned a private Saturday to celebrate my birthday. We both have it in our calendars and he organized something similar in the past when we were both busy, so I believe we’ll simply meet. Everything is friendly and slightly flirty.

I found some warm feelings towards a friend of mine, let’s call him Organizer cause he’s the one inventing trips, picnics and business ideas all the time. I’ve known him for a few months, but we rarely spoke. Now we’re in occasional contact, smiling at each other all the time, and I like the guy but I’m still not sure how warm it is in either of us. Everything goes too slowly.

Spaceboy gained a lot of points. Not much has changed, he just does a lot of tiny things that make me know that it’s warm between us, too, and now it’s stable. We went from distant goodbyes to quick friendly hugs. He promised me a postcard from his vacation - and he sent it (I was almost sure he’d forget he came up with this idea). I answered by being sweet and giving him my herbals when he tried to kill his cough with ginger. But the strongest/craziest moment was when I dared tell him that him constantly inventing plans he forgets about the moment after makes me confused. It turned out he’d never realize this on his own. Although I was calm and smiling, he thought I’d be really mad at him, but no change in our behaviour whatsoever. I was never good at communicating how someone makes me feel, and passing this line with this guy makes me proud of me.

[thatmariagirl]

Unbalanced

Peaks: There was a fun moment. During lunch guys commented one girl’s necklace. And when the conversation went for several minutes, I added that its hidden power is giving them an excuse to look at her breasts. One of the guys started laughing and said this was his thought right before I said it, but added that it was inappropriate (still smiling). I told him we don’t have to pretend anything. Strange remark of his, but I still had a good feeling about mine. Like knowing what’s in their heads. Showing my sexual side. I was also brave enough to mosey around places where I’m easily approached (and playfully teased) by Spaceboy. And I’m not even worried about the impression of doing it on purpose. But not that something extraordinary would happen with this guy. Just our random silly stuff of minimal possible investment.

Pits: These days have been crazy. I’m stressed due to so much work and stuff. Which leads to a lot of unnecessary thinking. Tired every day, all day. I don’t even know why I’m so stressed. As if thinking about stress leads to even more stress. (But yeah, monthly hormone levels reached their worst ratio as well if you wanna know.)

[thatmariagirl]

Damsel dropping a handkerchief

Things escalate and escalate with Spaceboy and I’m constantly stepping out of my comfort zone. After that flirty conversation about his underwear he approached me for a quick coffee one afternoon. Before he sat down, he realized his pants were unzipped and fixed them right in front of me (why are you tormenting me, man!). He noticed my lipstick (I don’t usually use it) and was way too curious if I have a date (to which I accidentally gave him an ambiguous anwer). That evening turned me into a crazy craver - I decided to get things further somehow. Problem: I didn’t want to chase him, nor did I want to send him a text out of the blue. So I started thinking: how to make him approach me?

Peaks: I invented a genius way. Nerve-racking, but I’d feel great even if things didn’t work out because this was a huge step out of my comfort zone. I realized he always references my lipstick, so i put it on. I realized he always stops to talk to me when I’m alone, so I took my laptop to a calm place he always goes by. I reminded myself to reference some recent conversations and tease him for being so curious yet so passive. And I waited. And everything clicked exactly as I planned. He approached me. It was him who revived the “lipstick - are you sure you don’t have a date” conversation. I only said yeah, I enjoyed these questions last time, but the old you wouldn’t ask them and take that wine I promised you. I got his "why not” without pursuing him for not answering the last text I sent a month ago, without even repeating my question, without approaching him in any way. He did most of the work. I chased him so that it looks that he chases me. Damsel dropping a handkerchief. Brilliant wizardry! (It took me a hour and a half to invent this scenario but who cares. I’m still laughing.)

[thatmariagirl]

No labels

A friend of mine gave me this eye opener. She had been meeting a guy for some time and everything went well. Until the point where he sent her a drunk text that made her ask if they are being exclusive. He told her yes, but added that he wouldn't see himself in serious relationship right now, except for he's planning to take her to a family event very soon (which neither of us understands).

I realized that me and Spaceboy happened a similar way. I had been wondering whether I pushed it too much, but at the end it was him who gave it a label first (stating that he's not in a situation to want any emotions, but he would be fine with something physical). This happened even before we exchanged a real kiss or something. The fact that he labeled it so soon might have been the reason why I refused to start anything physical that night. He even spoke about what it would be like if we were in serious relationship and whether he is ready for that. But of course a person cannot imagine being wedding-serious with someone whose biggest move was a kiss to a cheek, omg! So it strikes me now that maybe he was the one who was thinking too much to the future, not me.

So what seems to be the point? In the earliest stages of meeting someone, enjoy the day and don't think about distant future. This means don't put the relationship label on it, but don't fight the emotions either and don't say "this cannot become anything serious, we must try not falling in love". Saying "I don't want a relationship" is labeling. The best answer to Spaceboy that day would probably be "sorry, but I don't want any label this soon", "I wanna keep my options open" and "if you already know that the level of chemistry and overall compatibility is so miserable, yet you try to get laid with me, it only shows how desperate you are - and I'm not a backup girl".

[thatmariagirl]

Disobedient girl

Peaks: Today I didn’t give a fuck. So in the morning I sent the same short text to Logan and a friend of mine to find out who'd have time during the weekend. One has, and it’s not Logan, so I didn’t reply to Logan when he’s so busy and arranged some plans with the other one. Later I gave a totally flirty comment to Spaceboy for having his underwear (and butt) too visible while bending. And he reacted! With a similar amount of wit and joke and later even referenced the conversation by doing some silly walk while winking at me, showing his butt again (this time covered).

The best thing about this day was the mindset of “I wanna do this and I don’t care about the result”. I didn’t hesitate for a second before sending all those texts or comments, I didn’t think, I just did it. Great feeling. Must repeat.

[thatmariagirl]

My life is a soap opera

Peaks: Yesterday I was in a sad mood, so I sent a “hello, if only you two were here” note to two people who I missed the most that day. I’m proud of myself for not getting rid of my feelings but trying to communicate them instead (because I can’t remember if I ever sent a similar note to someone).

Pits: It escalated quickly with Logan, yet not the way one would expect. I initiated contact, he was flirty and spoke about an unspecified date, I initiated second time, he was busy, then he poked me on FB instead of texting me. I remembered what he told me about him being used to girls chasing him, so I wrote my final text, stating that I don't feel comfortable chasing a guy who doesn't reciprocate. “It’s a pity” was his only reply. So what we have: macho attention craver who prefers a girl running after him like a dog over a girl in his bed. It took me whole one day to realize there’s not much to do here for me. Sad, isn’t it, when you read my note two weeks ago where I stated how I appreciate Logan as a friend and how he doesn’t play games. Not exactly true now.

As for the rest, the Photographer Guy and Shy Guy Ex keep writing me every now and then, but I’m quite uninterested. In fact, Photographer Guy is the same type of attention craver as Logan - I could refer to him to prove that chasing doesn’t work. He only appeared when I stopped chasing, then disappeared agian. I think this was the last guy I really chased. The Shy Guy had a breakfast with me recently, we clarified a few things, including how he wanted me to be more jealous or emotional at the end of our relationship. Funny, isn’t it, when it was him who taught me to hide emotions from him because he couldn’t handle them and always shut off. Must admit I feel really empty these days.

[thatmariagirl]

The true definition of sexy

Yep. The most unbelievable and unexpected moment. Me and Logan (!) happened to attend kind of a sauna party. At the end of which we happened to be in the shower together. Just us, 2 a.m., we’re standing face to face, he grabs my neck like they do it in movies and spontaneously kisses me. Not a word was exchanged before or afterwards. Wow. True definition of sexy.

You wouldn’t believe how that night changed my perception of him (at the end of which he escorted me home, probably just to make sure that I’m safe - he knew I couldn’t take him in because I just moved in and the flat was barricaded with boxes). I’ve known him for over two months, never even considered him my-type-handsome (he has a great body and nice eyes though). I guess it really goes slowly with me because now I can’t get this moment out of my head, though I know very well that he isn’t the guy for me now (too wild, too much a player, but the positive sides of him are definitely there as well, as I mentioned last time).

The result is that though I still handle him rationally, I’m starting (though I shouldn’t!) thinking about things: how frequently I should initiate contact, what I should or shouldn’t tell him (until now I didn’t see anything could ever happen between us so I shamelessly shared with him anything that crossed my mind including things I would never tell to a crush, haha). But unlike with Spaceboy, I’m open to basically anything - possibly because I still find it a little improbable to have a real future with him.

There was a moment when Logan referenced Gilmore Girls Logan (lol, since when do guys watch Gilmore Girls?!), stating that he’s very similar to him (both physically and by manners). OMG, why do you think I secretly call you Logan since the beginning? :D (guess who must be the Rory).

As for the rest of the week, I had a coffee with one new guy, Traveller, possibly one more coffee is ahead. I told him I would attend a travelling photosession, he came there unannounced and texted me that he held a chair for me. Hell, that was sweet! I suspect that something’s up with Spaceboy who complimented and approached me every other day two weeks ago but now is suddenly silent and busy. History repeats. Never trust spaceboys, they keep orbiting but never land.

[thatmariagirl]

Everything and nothing happens

Overview: Moving to a different place went quite smoothly and I’m enjoying it! I’ve seen Bow Tie Guy two times, but all the chemistry from the night we met (which was after a glass of wine) was somehow dead from my side. Not much contact since then. I’ll see Logan (who I still consider just a friend) tomorrow. But I realized how much I appreciate him for being reliable, open, not playing games with me, for being able to openly tell me when he has or hasn’t time for me, or when he is and isn’t happy with his friendzone (maybe this IS kind of a game from him, but I don’t care, lol). And I’m not a very frequent texter with him, which seems to work fine. Spaceboy has never been so active. He helped me with my relocation, also offers help with every tiny thing I seem to need, and when I thought I pushed the frequency of our communication too far, he initiated contact (and complimented me) three times in a row last week, none of which he had done before. This week’s quite silent, but unlike with Logan, I’m on my way to overdo things again (by which I mean letting him send a few sentences towards me every week and then not letting him be but approachim him with few sentences every weekend). Shy Guy ex keeps texting me from time to time and though I respect him, I have no emotions towards him. And another guy from the summer, Photographer, who I’ve lost all my (once very strong) interest in due to his extreme flakiness, now plays very sad when he discovered I no longer live in my hometown where he also lives. I’m spending the next two days at a travelling festival where hopefully I meet some new people or at least clear my head.

Peaks: My social life. Seems that since I moved to the city, there are so many opportunities, and I’m not even actively seeking them. They just appear. Friends see me regularly. I’m switchning cafés, restaurants and tea houses where I work. After two months of trying I finally had one occasion where I met a whole group of new people (too bad all of them were a few years younger lol, but otherwise great company)! I’m happy every time I think about the spring and summer and what amazing life I’m already having here, except for I should finish my studies for good first before I’m fully able to enjoy some real free time.

Pits: The better it is with Spaceboy (and it grows and grows since winter), the harder it is for me to not expect anything. As if maintaining some regular contact with him was something bad, and it’s possibly all in my head. There’s the shadow of the past where as soon as I put down the brick wall to protect me from him, he kind of disappeared (later I discovered that while I was abroad for three weeks, he felt emotionless, found a rebound and also started chasing my newly single friend, which might or might not contribute to his disappearing). My future me, please remember that having a regular friendly contact with someone is the thing you strive for, and if you think that a few texts a week equals overdoing things, there’s something wrong with you. Imagine you’re texting to Logan. Be happy, smile, don’t worry and don’t care. Be a flirty friend and don’t feel bad about it.

[thatmariagirl]

Brilliant way to ask a favor

Just realized that this brilliant trick for asking a person out is also great when you ask for a favor - in case you are like me and don’t want to feel needy or demanding. 

Just tell them you have some things to do and you’re doing them that day anyway. This way you’ll take the burden off of the other person who might feel pushed in agreeing by the thought that your plans depend on them. This is also an easy way to tell them you want them, not need them to help you out. 

Add the motivation. Give the person a compliment in case they say yes. I love using enthusiastic words like “you’d be a hero/rescuer/amazing if you wanted to join me”. The last two can be used for girls as well.

This way you won’t feel bad about yourself for stealing someone’s time and energy, and for not giving them the option to say no. If it works, be happy and appreciate. Actually even if it doesn’t work out, they will still see you as the appreciating and complimenting person. Win-win again. Yay!

[thatmariagirl]

Let them be helpful if they want

Peaks: I was raised to be a girl who doesn’t need anybody’s help. But when I grew up, someone told me that if people offer you favours... they wouldn’t offer them if they wouldn’t want to help you, right? So I’m overcoming my inner setting and learn to let people be helpful. Because - why not? It’s a win-win situation. 

Pits: My friend told me how guys around her love when she talks dirty - though I disagree that vulgar speech creates feminine energy, there’s one thing about it she might actually mean - when you can provide a boring answer versus something imaginative or suggestive, the latter is often the better choice. And I realized that some of my conversations really should be less boring! Especially when you don’t need to directly flirt with the other person, you can just say something spicy or make it about you.