R.I.P. Chance - 12/12/2020
My dog Chance died today.
Having not been there when he got put down isn’t really helping it set in any. It’ll probably only really set in when I go to visit my mom on my birthday, and the home is just incredibly empty without him. That’s only two days from now as well.
He was kind of the dog that always really wanted attention, and could be really whiney, but he was also really cute. He had a bit of this clueless look in his eye all the time but it’s what made him really endearing. He just always liked crawling on your lap or being in your arms. He just really enjoyed affection and making you feel better.
I just keep replaying in my head the first time I ever seen him because it was so similar to how I met my first dog. (I technically had more before my two childhood dogs, but I can barely remember them to feel like they were my first. These were the two dogs that truly felt like mine and the family pets because of how long they stayed).
My mom and step-dad were just on the couch, I came home from my dads, and they had a dog on the couch, and I asked “Who’s dog is that?”. It happened both times, and both times it turned out to be our dog I loved it each time. I had a suspicion the second time but I didn’t want to make assumptions.
I believe I was 7 when we got Chance. That’s still really early into my life, and it felt like he was around for a lot longer.
When we got our first dog Benji, he was a Miniature Schnauzer, and I recalled saying “Wow I always wanted one”, which is a lie, I loved Benji so much, and I felt like he was more my dog how Chance was more my moms just judging on who they hanged out with more. But I actually wanted a Weiner dog, just because I thought the name was funny, and that’s what Chance was, and that really excited me. It made me excited and really happy that they got me one. Chance, immediately, was in my heart, and special to me, just the same as Benji.
Those two memories have been stuck in my head since they happened. I could practically feel those being recorded as it was happening, like my subconscious knew how important they would be to me.
He had such a unique personality, and was really different from Benji. Benji was always an easy going, sleepy dog, that reaaaally didn’t like it when someone was hurting him. He’d bite, and he bit a few kids who were being so hard on him. But Chance was all bark all the time, and he was really hyper, and really wanted attention.
The two of them, while they were both still alive were just fantastic. And Benji died first due to stomach cancer I believe. Which we had no clue about because he always just seemed fine as he always was.
But Chance was the one that had more health issues. When Chance got old it was very obvious, and he took a decline very soon after Benji died. He was so clearly depressed without having his brother around. Chance’s teeth all came out because of some gum disease that Chance had (which had started before Benji died but still). He had problems with his bowels. His eye sight was getting bad.
There’s been talks of putting him down for a while, and it was really often where I’d just blank out and get incredibly sad over visioning getting the phone call. When I did get the phone call, even though I was able to acknowledge and process it was real, it didn’t feel completely real. I cracked during that call and did my best not to let my mom hear me.
I could barely tell Chance how much I loved him because I was so choked up from crying, but he heard me, and reacted to me. I really wish that wasn’t the last time I’d ever interact with him, but I knew I wouldn’t be up in time to see him be put down. I just wish I wasn’t separated from him for so long before he died so I could’ve seen him more. Every time I visited my moms I tried to appreciate him as much as I could because I knew what was going to happen sooner rather than later.
Both of my childhood dogs are dead.
I can’t ever pet them again.
And it really feels like my childhood is just even more dead and gone now. I am an adult, but there’s always that feeling sometimes where you don’t really process that. At least in my experience. I’ve dealt with such bad anxiety and depression I’ve never been able to go to college or get a job, I’ve applied for disability cause it’s been so bad. So I never had a job to feel properly adult in that mental realization way.
Going back to my mom’s house, my childhood home, and not being able to see my childhood dogs makes life feel so hallow. Now my world feels so empty, and I’m so close to tears just writing this.
I’m going to miss Chance so so much. I’m going to miss Benji so so much. I’m going to miss both of them so entirely much.
Every day I remember I can’t see them anymore hurts me. It’s only day one for Chance, but I’m hurting so much. I don’t like how I can say that and have that be reality. It makes my stomach just feel so heavy, and my heart ache. Like it physically feels that way.
I feel like less of a person without them.
I’ll never forget them.
I’ll love them forever.
I’ll love Benji forever.
And I’ll love Chance forever.
Rest in Peace, my boys.
I’ll love you two for my entire eternity.
