The Awkwardness Queen

This all about me trying not to make everyone uncomfortable.

[the-awkwardnessqueen-blog]

When will my parents ever take my side.

[the-awkwardnessqueen-blog]

Life Update 001

My last day on the job is on the 10th and I can’t be more excited. My friend even told me that I was too happy for someone who might be unemployed soon, like I don’t have any regrets at all. Does this mean that it’s a good thing? Well, I don’t have to force myself to do something I don’t want to do anymore so that’s good.

Don’t get me wrong my relationship with my colleagues is still as smooth as ever that they even invited me to the company dinner even though I will not technically be a part of the company anymore when that happens. They also wanted me to be the guest speaker whenever there are programs at the school that I have to think about because I haven’t really done anything significant in my life yet. I feel like I’m just a newbie at adulthood. 

Since my days on the job are surely about to end I can’t help but remember my first day. I was like a deer in the headlights. So lost and confused but also partly excited to the point I want to vomit. Excited that I’ll be meeting new people and starting my work. Finally. Not. I didn’t feel welcome at first. 

So let me explain there’s SCHOOL 1 and SCHOOL 2 both owned by the same person. They told me to come to SCHOOL 1 first and they’ll be bringing me to SCHOOL 2 later on which is where I’m really assigned. I was told to just wear polo shirt, jeans, and rubber shoes so I did just that. I went to SCHOOL 1 happily hoping that I’ll be assisted and guided cause I really don’t know what I’m doing since it’s my first job. I only know about 3 people there. The owner, Mr. J, the president Mr. E, and the academic head Mr. D and I was told to look for Mr. D when I get there so I looked for him and waited for him. Although I met him before, it wasn’t so pleasant meeting him on my first day on the job.

I felt like he was power tripping me. He looked me up and down and I felt quite intimidated. He started asking me questions and asked me to answer them in English, which I did. Like, I already got hired I thought that part was over? I felt he didn’t like me and I found myself feeling the same towards him. I was so nervous I kept on touching my hair while answering his questions and he told me “You should speak in English when talking to the parents. You should stop touching your hair and you shouldn’t wear that type of clothing.” I was confused because it’s what I was told to wear and I see people even him wearing the same outfit I was wearing and others are wearing SHORTS, and fucking SLIPPERS and they’re PROFESSORS. Like WTF is your problem. I’m already like, I don’t mesh well with this place. I clenched my teeth really hard every day before I got to transfer to SCHOOL 2. I stayed for about a week at SCHOOL 1 which was dreadful. I was supposed to work there on Saturdays as well as a part time but it was too much for me. I don’t like the people and the ambiance at SCHOOL 1 so I just asked them to get rid of my Saturdays cause I’ll be reviewing for this exam I’m taking on October and thank God that they did.

A week passed by and I was asked to go work at SCHOOL 2. SCHOOL 2 has much nicer people and I felt immediately welcomed. They were all very welcoming and friendly very far from the people at SCHOOL 1. I heaved a sigh of relief thanking God that I’ll be working at a much nicer environment. My first day at SCHOOL 2 was much better than at SCHOOL 1. The Principal was like a mother to me she was there to guide me and I couldn’t thank her enough. The accountant which is who I’m with most of the time was really friendly too. They didn’t make it difficult for me to approach them. They didn’t intimidate me at all even the Principal was not intimidating she was very warm towards us all.  I’m glad I met the people at SCHOOL 2 and they’ll always be my friends no matter what. 

I will surely go pay a visit to my colleagues at SCHOOL 2 whenever I have time and I will never forget them. 

[the-awkwardnessqueen-blog]

When 1 month feels like 1 year

So let me tell you something recent about myself.

I passed my notice of resignation last August 10, 2018 for the reason that I would want to focus on my studies which is true but actually there’s a lot of reasons why I wanted to leave my job and it’s not just that.

I was lucky enough to get a job aligned to the degree I took when I was in college but then I felt dreadful every waking moment. I felt like I was forcefully dragging myself out of bed everyday just to earn something less than the minimum wage. I began to pity myself and question if I’m just wasting my time. Five months passed and I already have had enough. I told my parents and they wanted me to stay for a year but I really can’t put myself under that misery anymore.

I really don’t want to go to work now. The 1 month notice even seems so long. The days feel so long and I feel so done.

[existential-words]

my life feels like an obligation      and at this point its a waiting game to see      will i break myself or will someone do it for me my life feels like an obligation      and my words are knives to play with      created as keys to my sanity by its own locksmith my life feels like an obligation      and i’m slowly letting the wind blow me away      just because i don’t have any reason to stay my life feels like an obligation      and i don’t want it to anymore      i just want this numb feeling replaced by something more my life still feels like an obligation

@existential-words (via existential-words)

[the-awkwardnessqueen-blog]

Uhmm... Here’s my first post.

“She has her own world.” I heard my mom say to one of our guests during this little party we have. And yeah, she was referring to me.

I just looked at her. I honestly don’t know what to feel and what to say. Should I retort back? What should I do? I settled to just sitting there and trying to listen in on their conversation. I got nothing more.

After that I heard her say to one of her other guests “she doesn’t go out a lot”. I really don’t though I like the comfort of my own home. I save my “outings” to go to really big events. Like I only go out when I planned meetups with my friends, when I need to go to the mall, and when there’ are concerts and conventions I really want to go to.

Do I seem like I really have my own world? I mean I don’t talk a lot at home. I feel like I talk more when I’m with my friends than with them. I think I’m more comfortable around my friends. My friends know more about me than my family ever will. I have never opened up to my family. It’s difficult. I feel like I’ll get judged. Maybe that’s why I grew quieter and quieter at home. Even me wanting to resign from my job was hard to open up to them. They’re dismissive about things I tell them so I just stopped doing so. Sometimes I try to say something but my I’m met with my own brother’s mocking remarks.

If I have my own world..... should I just build my own universe then?

That moment basically got me thinking that I need an outlet for all of my thoughts. I don’t even care if someone reads this blog or not I just want a release.