The Chime of my Soul

A collection of miniscule thoughts running through my mind.

[the-chime]

I haven’t cried in a few days and I was proud of that achievement until today.  I know I have to remind myself that crying is okay and nurtures the healing process. I will be okay, but I would appreciate if my emotions could fuck right off today please. 10/9/20

[the-chime]

It's over now.

The love we once shared was perfectly imperfect, but I did not feel the hope that we could persevere.

I chose to end this and yet I feel anguish in your absence. I do love you and I do miss you, and even the worst of our problems almost feel repairable when thought of from afar.

I now crave your touch, your smell, your voice and your pain, despite knowing fully how damaging our union was on my mental state.

But... I remember what we had was not providing true happiness to me even though you felt it for yourself.

You feel I was your perfect match and were willing to do anything for me. I valued your love more than you realize, but it was not delivered with care.

You believe that I am your person, but that cannot be true when I do not believe you are mine. I may be mistaken but as things are right now, I do not have that clarity in my vision. Time and time again my mind circled back to ending things, there is no fighting it.

The words are not enough to cradle me with hope and comfort. The actions are far louder. Too many chances has damaged my hope and belief in us.

You spewed crude comments, irritable reactions, and questionably dark perspectives about others and my own intentions. You pleaded for reconsile and for me to absolve my perceptions that this would not work. I was told to believe these numerous conflicts were not usual and we're rare.

I did not see it that way. I saw bigger challenges in the future that would create worse arguments and greater irritability given the right setting and atmosphere.

We must heal and repair ourselves now to become better lovers for ourselves and our future interests.

I hope that one day you will thank me for my benevolence in pushing you to heal and allow you to find the happiness you deserve. 4 months instead of 4 years feels much lighter in comparison.

I wish we could work on our problems together but the best growth comes from true sacrifice and discomfort. We would never truly grow when in the comfort of the other's tolerance.

I am suffering like you right now, but I feel strongly that this is what we truly needed. we should not be crutches towards each other so often. We should be a complement in each others lives.

I'm not expecting perfect, but I believe we are capable and should expect a better harmony. That may be together later or apart with someone new.

We are sad now, but everyday should get a little bit easier with the right healing process.

I wish you the best my love.

10/6/20

[visual-infinity]

Perfect napping weather

[brideofskankenstein]

If there’s a heaven it’s probably something like this

[the-chime]

Dating a Narcissist

8/13/20 I do not feel okay, and I understand now that I have to fix this without you. Your opinion of how you view us together is not my truth. You often choose not to agree with my approach or view on situations. We are not in a balanced relationship.  I feel spent, drained, and compromised. This is not how love should feel. You rarely ask how I feel unless I ask to tell you. You make me feel that talking too much, or too often is the source of the issue, instead of realizing we are just not working out. This relationship is between you and I, but I feel that what you feel and need is the most important thing to you. This is not an “us” relationship, this is a “you” relationship built around what I make you feel. I am not here to please only you, we are meant to pleasure and nurture each other with love and confidence, not painful words and selfishness. I will not allow words to fix how I feel because it is a temporary resolution. Each time the comfort fades quicker and I realize now the truth. We are not going to work out together and that is okay.

[the-chime]

Unknown Territory

8/11/20 I’m sore, beaten, and limp from the lashes of your abrasive nature. You seem unaware of how to observe from other perspectives. You’re attempting to cradle my delicate raw heart with beaten and careless hands. When I feel uncertain or dislike how I am held, you retaliate in one way or another that I am berating or not listening to your feelings. You can explain any situation exactly how you remember it, but that does not guarantee that I will share that view, nor is it wrong or bad that I don’t. Knowing when to stop forcing a square peg into a round hole is the right thing to do. My expectations are not meant for you to climb to, they are meant to be met by someone who just is that way by nature.

I see a path ahead of us that is filled with storm clouds. I wanted to believe that the promises of change and progress would be enough for me to endure, but my trust is dwindling. You ask for the chance to prove your words are true, but I am asking why are we here? Why are we even at this point where you have to prove anything to me? It has been only two months and I feel I’ve seen enough.

You asked for a clean slate but you had one already at the start. Why must I sacrifice my mental clarity and health to let you have more chances to reform into something you’re not? You acknowledge that your tendencies are unhealthy and yet you continue to find a way to rip me down with you. You cannot see the way this pains me and how my mind has constructed reinforced walls to negate the pain. I plead that this isn’t right, but you disregard the reality that this isn’t working. I understand that you want to keep working at the goal as many times as you can to get it right, but I do not owe you my time especially when I feel a part of me breaks a little more each time. These verbal scars are clouding my mind with doubt and fear that I do not feel I can overcome. I was ready to leave today, but you diverted the conversation to prove how positive and good you we’re trying to be to appeal my verdict. You knew exactly where my mind was at but you cannot handle the blow of rejection and instead will accept any pain required to stay afloat in a storm. I am unfortunately too familiar with the tortures of staying when unhappy. I have taught myself when it is okay to let go because suffering silently is not the right way. YOU don’t like when I bring things back up after we’ve finished talking about it, despite when I’ve said the reasons why I NEED to. You are dismissive to my needs in a partner. My expectations are too high or you belittle yourself by saying your best is just not good enough. When we share our thoughts and feelings, we have different views and this task of getting on the same page is growing more impossible by the day. Every petty argument sets me back a few feet.

The thought of leaving you sometimes feels like a release of tension and mind games. I am sad for you that you do not see the same. I worry for your future if you cannot identify these interactions as unhealthy for yourself and any partner. I fear it could just be us together that is toxic by nature. I admire your effort to want to endlessly fix things, but feelings are delicate and fragile, they are not a game of unlimited tries. I yearned for that in a partner and now that I have it, it feels tarnished with toxic tendencies. I feel that I am unable to close this door because I’ve always wanted these qualities, but I am aware that it comes at a poisonous cost if things continue this path. Our arguments feel combative and like a game of wits. Whoever can discreetly gas light the other wins the “game”. I do not feel we are being productive because we only see results when one of us gets upset and calls the other one out for not being perfect. You say you want to be better at communicating and we have gotten better, but I have a difficult time trusting that it’s so easy to adapt. It makes it hard for me to keep an open mind. I will not feign ignorance to my own guarded tendencies and combative nature. What I will say is that I started dating you with fully open arms and you we’re not used to this and took advantage of the vulnerability. Now that I am guarding myself it has only created more issues between us because I have lost that trust. I do not know what to do... I have seen great progress between us, but do I trust the progress or do I take the easy road to start over later? Do I trust myself to open up again and give this a fair shot?

[haleyincarnate]

Quote by Syrah Kai

[the-chime]

One Year Later

It has been one year since we last touched. Memories of your smile, your voice, your smell, your touch... are all fading but the love remains unyielding. Unconditional love is fickle, unpredicatable, unrelenting, and everlasting. When not reciprocated, this love feels like a prison. I want to move forward but my stance does not waver.

I have beckoned time to heal this chasm but to no avail. Letting go of former love has never before felt so impossible... I want to feel love again the way I felt for you. I long for someone who wants the same as me. Someone who sees me. Hears me. Understands me. Wants me for ME. I am wiser, guarded, aware, and particular, and yet my search grows more difficult with each passing day. What I’ve found are the invisible scars of rejection and pain leaking through the words and touch of others; haunted by tainted history. I shudder in fear that I may have I forgotten how to love. My judgement is clouded. I am lost and I want to be found. May love once again fill my heart. Come find me, I will be waiting. 6/20/20

[the-chime]

Here we are at the end or new beginning, only tomorrow knows. I saw the signs and stayed. My heart is shattered but I still stand, broken, but still strong for you. I fear my heart is seeking destruction while my mind turns a blind eye; where is my rationality? Reading back a year I realize I am still where I once was. Do I desire this pain that much? May I wake up tomorrow with a new concious and finally favor Independence? I fear Everything. My heart is exposed to the most brutal of fates, but I do not flinch. I am yours, break me until I have nothing left to stand for so I may walk onward to a reality that I can't turn away from, please...

3/20/18

[the-chime]

I don't want to fall in love with you and then feel like I should have cut the ties when I saw all the red flags from the beginning. You're cute, charming, caring and sweet, but you also don't understand then weight of what it means to give yourself to someone completely. Your words are hollow, your feelings short lived, your gesture of kindness are out of duty. All things I see that you think I don't understand. But I'm just "over thinking" to you, but to me I call that noticing the signs. I can't imagine a future where I can trust you not to compare me to other women, or that once the love between us simmers you'll be looking onward to the next best thing because that just in your nature. You do not know what being satisfied means and I do not want to be on the end that knew what was happening but took the chance regardless because of fruitless promises for selfishness. I can't take you seriously when every decision you make is brash, reckless and built upon potential.

[the-chime]

why take the chance at something that has the potential to break you, just for the small chance it may work out?

[the-chime]

You have yet to learn the weight of your words. Forever is a long time my dear.

[iwishsomebodyhadtoldme]

It’s okay not to have your life figured out.  Things will work themselves out.  Just keep moving forward.

[hickory-magic]

I’m not looking for anyone special. I’m not even looking for a hand to hold. I’m looking for a conversation, A mind, An exploration, And a wierdo, Who has many stories, Waiting, To be told.

Quest (via brombii)

[thelovewhisperer]

According to this myth, the gods tie an invisible red string around the ankles of men and women who are destined to be soul mates and will one day marry each other. The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

More quotes about love and relationship here (via thelovewhisperer)

[the-chime]

Is this it? Is it finally over? I don't want to hold my breath but I feel closer than ever to the end of the tunnel. On to the next chapter already!

[veryharam]

When u start talking to your crush

[the-chime]

@thranduilsausage im dead, im just fricking dead 😂

[the-chime]

Great mood, smooth jazz, warm cup of coffee, sunny on a Sunday... This kind of feeling only comes around not enough.