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Mel, 29. Non-Binary, they/them.

[eros-telesse]

*Bruce in a meeting repeatedly tapping his pen on the table out of stress.*

Hal on his last straw : Oh my god! Can you stop that?! That's super annoying! How would you feel if I banged you repeatedly on the table?

Bruce : Better than now actually.

Hal : What?

Bruce : What?

Oliver : What.

Barry : What?!

Diana : He said "better than now actually".

Clark : Diana!

Diana : What? They asked.

Hal : I heard the first time I just- wait where is Bruce?

Dinah : He ran away in the confusion.

Hal : Oh no he won't. BRUCE COME BACK HERE LET'S TALK!

*He runs off after Bruce*

Dinah : This is going to be interesting.

Oliver: This is going to be disgusting!

J'onn : Well, this was a productive meeting.

Clark : *Slamming his head on the table* Oh my Rao...

[bruce-wayne-enjoyer]

In my heart of hearts, Duke has once been so sleepy in some public function with the Waynes, and was trying to figure out whether or not it's appropriate to call Bruce "Dad" or "Mr. Wayne" in the context of whatever press he was getting and just...

"Well, Mr. Dad says—"

Next day, it's everywhere. The media is eating it up. Everyone is wondering whether it was a special nickname, whether it was a tell of Duke's less-than-good time as a foster child of the Wayne Family, or just a case of brain fog

Except Bruce is elated

He too is eating it up. He is Dick's B, Jay's Pops, Tim and Cass' Dad (they are a twin set), Damian's Baba.... now, he's Duke's Mr. Dad. It's his instagram descriptor now. He is telling the press "Please, Mr. Wayne was my father....call me Mr. Duke's Dad!"

His PR team only sent one exasperated email: "Why"

Duke replied with a thumbs up photo while Bruce makes Mr. Bruce's son a sandwhich: "For the love of the game 😁👍"

[bruce-wayne-enjoyer]

No capes AU//

Single dad Bruce Wayne surrounded by his precious babies, who are all worried because last Parent-Teacher Conference, he was the only daddy without another daddy or a mommy with him!!

Bruce is trying to calm his wailing children, "Oh loves, being a single parent is fine! Unconventional but fine! I'm happy and I love you all enough for two!"

But they're not having this!! That's not fair!! Their dad is so nice and pretty, he deserves to have MANY mommies and daddies with him!! No, he should have ONE REALLY GOOD, REALLY BEST MOMMY OR DADDY WITH HIM!!

So they ask Bruce what kind of other daddy ("A husband!" Jason corrected) or a mommy ("That's called a wife!" Dick said) he would like to have

And Bruce, realizing that fighting his kids is something he simply doesn't want to do, so he tries to placate them

"Well.... I always liked someone who is good with numbers. A-And someone who's good at taking charge. I love it when someone has good hair and a biting sense of humor, and is family-oriented 😊"

Bruce thought dignifying his children with a response would be the last time he even has to think about the wifeless/husbandless existence he's living

.

.

.

Then a week later, Bruce has to watch his kids come home to his porch holding one very confused looking Hal Jordan

"Dad, look! We got you a husband!" Jason cheered, pushing Hal to Bruce.

"I checked his bank statements and his police record! He's a-okay, Daddy!" Tim added on with the sweetest smile a 7 year old can have.

"And he smells nice, like hot chocolate brownies, my favorite," Cass said, currently in Hal's arms and nuzzling her face on his neck, "He has really soft hair too."

"And I checked his social media on the way here! He's single! The kids on his accounts are his brothers' kids!" Duke said, holding Hal's hand, "Isn't that right, Mr. New Dad?"

Hal chuckles nervously, "I swear, they said they were lost in the city, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce looked at his eldest in horror.

"It was that or we went to England to find what a 'distinguished gentleman' was supposed to be, or whatever it is that Alfred wanted for you," Dick shrugged, not looking up from his phone showing the map home, meaning they were very much not lost.

Before Bruce can find his bearings, they start to usher Hal into the house

"Okay new dad, you can sleep in our daddy's room!"

Hal, who is too nice and a bit of a sucker for cute kids, follows happily.

It takes Bruce 10 seconds to process that there is a stranger in his home

.

.

.

After all children were put into their respective time out corners, Bruce is finally ready to face the poor soul his children abducted.

"Okay, finally. Mr. Jordan, I'd like to apologize for—"

Bruce stopped.

Currently there's a 6"4 muscular man on his floor playing with toddler Damian and letting him touch his face. Hal is blowing raspberries into the baby's palms and answering his babbles with full sentences.

"Oh, Mr. Wayne! Are the kids all packed away?" Hal asked, hands still stuffed in animal puppets that Damian is giggling at.

...

Well...

The kids did say Hal was single.

[stillnotsquashed]

Batkids getting deaged thoughts again (I am imagining all the kids are at toddler age):

The first thing the Justice League know about it is an alert that the mansion, grounds and Batcave have gone into lockdown. So Clark calls to check in and finds that Bruce is panicking about criminals deciding to invade while his babies are literal babies so he turned the defences on

Jason and Damian are velcro kids. Bruce constantly has one in each arm and they burst into tears the moment he puts one down

Cass likes to be near Bruce but not held. She just chills in the same room as him because he makes her feel safe and loved. She watches him a lot

Bruce becomes convinced that all baby proofing methods were invented because the coming of Dick and Tim was prophecised. If there is a potentially dangerous situation to be had, those boys are toddling a beeline straight to it

Duke and Stephanie like to play pretend games and when Alfred manages to source a dolls house for them they essentially create a clue-quese murder mystery

Damian will only eat the cultural dishes he recognises. Dick will eat most things but if a foodstuff he doesn't like so much as touches his plate the entire plate has to go. Any food spicer than mild cheddar is too spicy for Tim. Duke only wants to eat fruit and dried cereals. Cass will eat whatever Bruce gives her but only a small portion and Stephanie decides she only wants to eat bananas which Jason copies.

After Bruce's intital panic, he gets the hang of it and comes to really cherish the time. He gets them all set up beds in one room so he can read them all stories at bedtime and decides to take them on a trip to somewhere he won't be recognised so he can do days out with them

[stillnotsquashed]

Jason having to get a suit for some fancy event and Bruce is demanding to come with him and Jason accuses Bruce of not trusting him and gets annoyed about it. Until he finds Bruce going through an old photo album and it's got pictures of Dick trying on all his suits for prom and Jason realises that Bruce never got to have a memory like that eith him and he is sitting this as an opportunity to manage something similar. So Jason agrees to let Bruce come and lets him photograph him in all the different suits and the two are just joking around and having proper father son time.

[evangeline415]

Dick: Roy, what happened? You sounded frantic on the phone. Dick: Wait, where's Jason? *wailing comes from the bathroom* Dick (looks back at Roy questioningly): Roy: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea I’ve had. Jason's been crying in the bathroom for an hour and I can’t get him out...

[cainyourkids]

my submission for the @bulletsandarrows-jayroyzine!

[betsib]

JonDami Fake Dating, where Damian in his late teens/early twenties has grown up to be a little too attractive and every charity gala he attends is just him dodging attention from people who finds his looks and potential fortune too tempting to resist.

It's becoming a problem, but Damian has become heavily involved in both the Wayne Foundation and the Pennyworth Foundation in between medical studies so it's not like he can just stop going to galas and events like that. Especially since he's gotten pretty good at getting people to donate.

So, Damian comes up with the idea of pretending to date someone to hopefully discourage most of his admirers. It has to be someone he trusts, someone good-looking enough to satisfy the tabloids and strong enough to handle public scrutiny. Really, there is just one logical answer.

He's a bit nervous to ask Jon about it, but Jon agrees immediately. He says he's not seeing anyone at the moment anyway, and it will just be nice to spend some time together again. Damian has been so busy the last few years, it's been hard for them to find time to just hang out.

Besides (and Jon doesn't tell Damian this) actually being by Damian's side to stop other people from hitting on him and making him uncomfortable is much better than keeping watch from afar just in case his best friend needs help.

[lovesick-joey]

[lopkelepke]

[hood-ex]

Batman/Superman: World's Finest 2026 Annual

[papayafromtv]

Jason lying to Damian for fun in the league because he’s never had a little brother before and he doesn’t know what else to do.

Jason: you know your name wasn’t always Damian.

Damian: ?

Jason: yeah up until you were four you were called Melissa.

Damian: shut up. no i wasn’t.

Jason, deadly serious: no, genuinely. you see, when you were born you looked so much like your mom that you looked like a girl, so we all thought you were female.

Damian, indignant: i don’t look female!

Jason: it’s ok- there’s nothing wrong with it, we loved you regardless.

Damian: i am a BOY.

Jason: yeah, but obviously when you’re a baby everything’s really tiny, so we couldn’t see your dick and we thought you might be a girl. so we named you Melissa. wasn’t until you were four that it grew enough that we noticed the mistake and changed you to Damian.

Damian, distraught: THAT’S NOT TRUE.

Jason: you responded to Melissa until you were four- sometimes i say Melissa out of habit and you don’t even notice.

Damian: what- no you don’t!

Jason, gaslighting: yeah, you just don’t notice. you just hear your name and don’t pay any more attention.

Damian, stomping his foot: YOU’RE LYING.

Jason: go ask your mom if you don’t believe me, i don’t know what to tell you.

*two hours later, Talia comes into Jason’s room with a sobbing Damian on her hip, crying into her shoulder*

Talia, exasperated to hell and back: Jason. you weren’t even here when Damian was an infant.

Jason, grinning widely: yeah i know.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 89 (masterpost here) *follow up to part 74

Tim: we could go through the west side? there's a really good ice cream place we can stop at if we go past it.

Damian: do they have salted caramel?

Tim: any respectable ice cream place has salted caramel, Dami. of course they do.

Damian: ok well i'm just checking, you don't have to be so-

*connecting ping*

*rushing wind*

Dick, panicked: guys, how close are you to the alley docks?

Tim, wary: uh- w- like a couple minutes if we rush? why, what’s wrong?

Damian: are you injured?

Dick: no we’re fine- it’s Jason, we were talking while he worked and then i heard a bunch of yelling and Jason screamed and then an explosion and he cut off and now he isn’t answering at all and i’m still like thirty minutes out and-

Damian: oh, Akhi’s fine, you shouldn’t worry about him. Timothy’s sense would alert him.

Dick, still audibly worried: um- ok but-

Damian: calm down, Nightwing. have some faith.

Tim: *starting to sound slightly worried* uh, well, we’ll go to the docks and check anyway, because actually i disconnected my fitbit a couple days ago…?

Dick: oh god, oh godohgodohgod-

Damian, flat: you disconnected your what now.

*a beat*

Tim, hesitant: we were gonna tell you-

Damian, seething: are you fucking kidding me-

Tim: WE DIDN’T THINK YOU’D ACTUALLY BELIEVE US-

Damian: THE WATCH!?!!? YOU SAID YOU HAD MAGIC.

Tim: -AND THEN WE FORGOT ABOUT IT, I’M SORRY,

Dick: GUYS I GENUINELY THINK HE’S HURT AND BRUCE IS OFF-PLANET YOU NEED TO HELP ME, ARGUE LATER.

Damian: fuck, he’s right. we’re going now. is Oracle still on vacation?

Dick: she’s in France with Spoiler and Orphan, *struggling to breathe, panicked* oh my god what if he- i shouldn’t have called him- i was distracting him so much what if i-

Tim: Wing, cool it, let us get there and assess the damage first.

Damian: i can see smoke coming from the docks.

Dick: fuck. i’m gonna keep trying to contact Hood, you guys get there now.

*disconnecting ping*

Tim: he’ll be fine, Day. this is Jason, he’s always fine.

Damian, shortly: yes, apart from when he’s not. do you know how mad Mother will be at me if i have to call and tell her he’s dead again?!

Tim: you won’t have to, he’s probably fine,

Damian: *bitter* yeah, sure, is that what the fucking watch tells you?

Tim: of for- YOU’RE THE ONE THAT BELIEVED US!

Damian: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LIE?

Tim: IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY.

Damian: WELL IT’S NOT FUNNY NOW, IS IT?

TIM: I MEAN IT KINDA IS TO BE HONEST-

*connecting ping*

Jason: *wheeze* Red- *another wheeze* Red i need you to come meet this guy for me, this is really funny.

Tim: -JASON TELL DAMIAN TO STOP FUCKING YELLING AT- wait you’re alive?

Damian, worried: Akhi. status, now.

Jason, still amused: hm? what- why would i be dead?

Damian: are you injured?!

Jason, soothing: what? no, kiddo calm down, i’m fine. what the fuck’s up with y’all?

Tim: you’re FINE?! we’re like two minutes out from your location, Dick just came in here mid-fucking-panic-attack because he thought you’d died on call with him!

*pause*

Jason: ooooh, he- ah shit, yeah ok i see how that happened. in my defence i did just shoot him a text to say i was fine. i got distracted.

Tim: he said he heard a bunch of screaming and explosions-?

*connecting ping*

Dick: alright my bad y’all i didn’t see his text he’s fine.

Jason: yeah hi, what the fuck? you scared Damian.

Damian: i was not-

Tim: honestly he was more pissed that we lied about me having a magic Jason-danger sense.

Dick: sorry, sorry! brought back bad memories, deepest apologies.

Tim: i mean, shit clearly has gone down. where are you, there’s a bunch of rubble and fire over here.

Jason: yeah i’m by the water, i’m-

*distant groan, incomprehensible mumbles*

Jason: *wheeze* yeah man i’m getting him, calm down.

Dick: …who the fuck are you talking to?

Jason: ok... well what happened was, me and Wing were on a phone call while i tracked this gang war going down between these two factions in my territory that have been pissing each other off for the past few months. i wasn’t gonna intervene, i was more just there to check that things didn’t get too messy and get free entertainment, but while i was watching, this- *snickers* this really drunk guy- like fucking sloshed, absolutely off his face,

*distant drunken mumbles*

Jason: yeah- shut up, you absolutely are-, anyway. this dude comes wandering down the road singing to himself in the middle of this massive stand off, completely ignoring all these gang members telling him to fuck off out of there, and then he- *wheeze* he trips over this trip wire that one of the factions had set up, which triggered a bunch of landmines or something, and he just blew up the entire fucking area.

Tim: …what the fuck.

Jason: yeah! i dropped my phone in the chaos and only just found it; got distracted because all the survivors started shooting everything that moved—and technically this guy is a civilian so i had to go protect him, and *wheeze* i think we’re the only two that made it out???

Dick, dry: you have to be joking.

Jason: *wheezes again* no i’m completely serious!

Distant male voice, drunkenly: Red ROOBIIINNNNNNNNN~

Jason: yes i’m- *loud wheeze* *amused* I’M FUCKING GETTING HIM, HOLD ON.

Tim: wait, yeah- when you joined you specifically asked for me, why is that?

Jason: this guy-

Distant male voice: *still drunk, chanting* RED ROBINNNNNN, RED ROBINNNNN, RED ROBINNN,

Jason: *loses his shit* *in between cackles* he- he- *wheeze* he really wants to meet you, man!

Damian: holy shit, Timothy he found your one single fan.

Tim: are you... *pensive* really?

Jason: *still wheezing* c'mon man, i promised him he could meet you, and he did technically end a gang war in my neighbourhood.

Dick, amused: Jason he blew up a bunch of people on accident.

Jason: *laughs*

Dick: ...Tim go let this guy meet his favourite vigilante.

Tim, disappointed: oh my god. where are you?

Jason: if you can see the fire then you're nearby, let me send you my coords,

Distant male voice: 's he- s' gonna fly over here? 'cause i won the fight?

Jason, still kinda laughing: y-yeah man, he's gonna fly over to see you. he's gonna give you a medal.

Distant male voice: FUCK YEAH!

Tim: dear god, Jason.

Damian: oh, i have your location, we're literally just on the other side of the warehouse. i see you.

Jason: alright, buddy, what'd you say your name was?

*incomprehensible mumbling*

Jason: was that- Trent? yeah? alright, Trent, get ready to meet your hero!

*thud, boots against concrete*

Tim: jesus christ.

Dick: you need to- i'm still like twenty minutes away, you guys gotta paint me a picture.

Jason: you're still coming? i'm fine.

Dick: yeah i don't care, i'm gonna have to hold hands with you for the rest of the night.

Jason: god- the Red Hood and Nightwing dating allegations, man,

Dick: I DON'T CARE.

Damian: for the record, Red Robin's number one fan is approximately thirty-five years of age, is wearing American flag face paint on his face, and is in possession of a backpack with a solid three cases of beer inside, half of which are just empty cans.

Jason: average Red Robin fan.

Tim: *noise of realisation* ooooh, he's come from one of the bars showing the soccer match today,

*slightly muffled drunken cheering*

Damian, flatly: yeah he's definitely a fan.

Jason: *still snickering*

Tim: *sigh* *politely* uh, ok- hey, Trent right? Red Hood told me you wanted to meet me?

*incomprehensible drunken mumbling*

Tim: ...sorry?

Trent, slurring: SIGN MY CHEST.

Dick, gleeful: holy fuck,

Jason: *starts wheezing again*

Damian, clearly trying to hold back laughter: Hood- Hood get off the floor.

Jason: *continues crying-laughing*

Tim: um. no?

Trent, devasted: c'mon- c'mon you're GREAT! i have a- there's a pen somewhere, let me- sign me!

Damian: *finally wheezes*

Tim: yeah, i'm not- i don't really-

Dick: Tim stop being ungrateful to your fans and sign the nice man's nipples.

Jason: *laughs even louder*

Tim: ok- HE NEVER SAID NIPPLES,

Jason, breathless: but we all know that's what he wants, don't you Trent?

Trent: eh?

Jason: you want Red Robin to sign your nipples?

*a pause*

Trent: YEAHHHHHHHHHH~

Damian: Red, you might have to sign the man's nipples.

Tim: all of you can fuck right off.

Trent: i want- which one of you is Damian?

*silence*

Dick, suddenly serious: wait what the fuck?

Damian: ...where did you hear that name?

Trent, cheerfully drunk: Hood! he said it into his- his lil ear thingy- and then you two showed up! which of you is it??

Dick, exasperated: oh my god, Jason,

Jason: ok well- *snort* shit, my bad? Red just sign the dude's chest in exchange for silence, it's fine. he's blacked out anyway, he's not gonna fuckin' remember.

Damian: THAT'S NOT THE POINT- fuck, this is why Batman's always on your ass about saying names in the mask, you never pay attention to your surroundings!

Trent: nononononoooo- don't- hey, i'm not no snitch! we're good, we're- we're all friends, right? get in here-!

Tim: oh i don't usually like hugs-*grunt*

Jason: *starts snickering again*

Trent: just sign my- look, Hood gave me a sharpie! you can sign my chest! FOR THE GLORY OF GOTHAMMMMMMM!

Jason, gleeful: yeah, and in return for Red Robin signing your nipples, you'll never mention the name Damian again, right?

Trent: *eager affirmative noises*

*silence*

Damian: i swear to god, if you don't sign this fucking man's chest, i'm giving him your phone number.

Tim, begrudgingly: FINE. *pen uncapping* lift your- move your shirt.

Dick: cannot believe i'm missing this. Jay-

Jason: i got your back, baby boy, i'm filming it.

Dick: thank god.

Tim: *long-suffering sigh* ok, there. we good now?

Trent: *loud, drunken whoop, gradually getting further and further away*

Damian: ope- aaand off he goes. into the night.

Tim: that guy has problems.

Damian: because you're his favourite? i agree.

Jason: hey he's gettin' real close to the water. do you think-

*very distant splash*

*a beat*

Tim: at least that will wash off the signature?

Jason: nah i gave him a permanent marker, that guy's gonna have that thing for weeks.

Tim, exasperated: why would you do that?

Jason: hey, he wanted the signature, i was just-

Damian, casually: i don't think Trent can swim.

*another beat*

Damian, matter-of-fact: all you, Timothy. go get your number one fan.

Tim: you gotta be fucking kidding me,

Jason, slightly smug: he will also probably need mouth to mouth.

Tim: i wish the landmines actually had killed you.

[papayafromtv]

there should be a conversation between Jason and Damian after Bruce comes back from being lost in the time stream and Damian’s struggling to go back from being Dick Grayson’s Robin and pseudo son to Bruce’s kid again where Jason is just. not helping in the slightest.

Jason, sympathetic: it’s tough, isn’t it? to go back to Bruce after Dick almost adopts you. i get it, kid. i do.

Damian: …are you saying you’ve been through the same thing?

Jason: oh, yeah. i mean- i mean Bruce wasn’t presumed dead at the time, but Dick did try to adopt me a bunch back when i was Robin, so it’s almost the same.

Damian: i don’t understand. why was he trying to adopt you if Father was around?

Jason: …i dunno. i think i made him laugh once and he just made the decision to steal me after that. kept trying to sneak me to Bludhaven and hide me in his apartment. Bruce had to leave work early a bunch so he could drive up and drag me out by the hood of my sweatshirt.

Damian: *squinting*

Jason: yeah the constant changing was weird… it was like being a child of divorce where your parents are actively fighting over who gets to have you. flattering, sure, but tiring after a while. you have no idea how many times i had to buy a new toothbrush because i left mine in a different city.

Damian: …could you not just choose who to stay with for yourself?

Jason: well, i tried. i got mad at Bruce and chose Dick at one point, but Dick was like, twenty years old. i went up to Bludhaven and found him living in a one-bed apartment with a mattress on the floor instead of a bed and a bench dragged in from the street instead of a couch. he was eating noodles out of a ceramic vase. so when Bruce came to get me again, i just let him win.

Damian:

Damian, baffled: i fear you and i are not experiencing even remotely similar situations.

Jason:

Jason: yeah i dunno why i started talking.

*awkward silence*

Jason: …want a beer?

Damian:

Damian:

Damian: no?

Jason: oh.

[depsidase]

[depsidase]

[pixiu-pix]