Welcome to my blog. This blog is predominantly about my cluster B disorders and other small things such as mentions of DID, C-PTSD, and my navigation of reactive attachment disorder in adulthood. I am physically disabled and require cane or occasional wheelchair usage. Everything I have has been professionally diagnosed and treated by mental health specialists amongst a long period of time. I have some illnesses not listed here just because I feel as if it's not relevant. Do not ask me for any personal information.
Triggering topics will be mentioned on this blog. By following my blog, you agree to see distressing topics and be subjected to hearing disturbing or inappropriate sentiments. Thank you.
I will reclaim some upsetting terms (deformed, freak, psychopath, narc, etc) on my blog.
Besides the obvious, I'm an adult queer man who likes books, poetry, linguistics, history, horror + indie media, and games. While I do not mainly do fandom content (mostly for the sake of keeping a consistent blog) I will follow some fandom accounts or occasionally speak of something not related to the focal point of this blog. I will occasionally use this blog personally, sometimes not.
DNI: Exclusionists, anti-anti psychiatry (or against criticism of psychiatry), "-medicalists", fake-claimers, those who believe cluster B abuse is real, bigots, anti-science, generally shitty people who want to engage in discourse.
There needs to be more vitriolic criticism of the DSM, seeing how its originator (Emil Kraepelin) is a racist queerphobic eugenicist who just injected his opinions of mental illness into the basis of the DSM, which were then SO hard to remove and correct; that there was active debate amongst the writers of the DSM-III if it was even possible to remove them due to such a severe lack of hard evidence of whether or not the symptoms were real and they didn't want to 'disrupt what had already been there'.
Besides the DSM having an awful originator, many other issues arose from the book, such as failing to address actual evidence for the criteria listed for specific mental disorders and conflict of opinion amongst most of the psychiatric scientists writing and reviewing it.
The paper 'How Voting and Consensus Created the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III)' by James Davies is a staple in showing the inherent flaws of the DSM:
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âThere was very little systematic research and much of the research that existed was really a hodgepodgeâscattered, inconsistent, and ambiguous. I think the majority of us recognized that the amount of good, solid science upon which we were making our decisions was pretty modest. (Angell 2009, 29).â
- Theodore Millon. DSM III Task Force
âI donât have specific recollections, some things were discussed over a number of different meetings, [which would sometimes be] followed by an exchange of memoranda about it, and then there would simply be a vote⊠people would raise hands, there werenât that many people. (Interview with author, 2012)â
- Henry Pinsker, DSM III Task Force
The DSM is an innately flawed book with much-needed work to be done on it (if even possible). Fuck psychiatry.
Sorry for not posting, I have been getting better with my symptoms and have been off Tumblr. I'm finally getting my biggest agitators dulled down and I'm able to cope with them. I've been actively studying, drawing, writing. Other stuff too. Hope my mutuals are ok. đ«¶
Emotional neglect in childhood is often a contributing factor to developing NPD. Someone with NPD is likely to have experienced an environment that ignored and dismissed their needs and feelings whilst they were growing up.
Children internalise the way they are treated by the adults around them, so someone neglected as a child will typically further neglect themselves as an adult.
In which case, letâs talk about self-neglect in NPD.
Neglect can be clear-cut in some cases, but it can be very hard to spot in others. A child that is physically neglected is potentially easier to notice. But humans have more than just physical needs: we have emotional, social, sensory needs etc. and neglecting those needs can be invisible.
Some of us may have always had to fight to get our basic needs met - or simply learn to meet them independently. Others of us may have been praised and well-treated in some aspects or under certain conditions, and learned that our needs will only be met if we perform to someone else's standards.
I was an undiagnosed AuDHD kid in the 00s. I was academically gifted and raised by parents who love me. In many ways I had a secure childhood, yet my emotional and sensory needs as an ND child were not understood and were punished as bad behaviour. I grew up learning to seek validation from the adults around me by being well-behaved and high-achieving, whatever emotional pain or sensory discomfort it caused me.
Now, as an adult, how I feel about and respond to my needs and emotions directly mirrors how adults responded to me in childhood. I try to distract myself from and suppress any emotion that I find to be âdramaticâ or âinconvenientâ. I donât want to âdeal withâ big emotional experiences and instead try to distract myself out of the feeling and squash it down. Well-behaved, always. Instead of tending to my needs in that moment, I'ved learned to perpetuate the emotional neglect.
A Sign of Self-Neglect
Like neglect, self-neglect either can be very apparent or much more subtle. And of course, there can be a multitude of complex reasons why someone doesn't attend to a need, be that for food, clothing, medical attention, or anything else - money and safety being major factors.
One sign you're neglecting your needs is dismissing your gut feeling or internal concerns. "This is a bad idea", "this is going to suck," - it gets pushed aside and we truck on. Trivialising your needs, considering them "silly", including needs like human connection, reassurance and comfort, physical affection, or a sensory need.
I have often expressed that I will do whatever is needed or expected of me, regardless of the personal impact on my well-being; that it âdoesnât matterâ if I end up being physically or emotionally harmed by a task as long as it gets done. I find my disregard for my well-being kinda entertaining and sometimes feel scornful towards people who arenât so...indifferent to their needs. As though neglecting oneself is a strength.
It's So Normalised
Bear in mind that disregarding our physical and emotional well-being to achieve, to "get stuff done" is praised by a capitalistic society that cares more about our output than our well-being, i.e. grind culture or hustle culture. Parents who are burned out managing a job (or several) and looking after their children and elderly relatives are heroes! Having a full-time job and several side-hustles is inspiring! If you're not burned out, you're not doing enough! /sarc
Neglecting ourselves in the pursuit of success can make us feel GOOD in the short-term because it is praised and encouraged - and although everyone seeks this to some degree, someone with NPDâs entire sense of self typically revolves around external validation. That praise fuels our self-esteems and it feels great!
BUT...
The more we neglect ourselves, the more we reinforce the core belief that our thoughts and feelings - our humanness - donât matter; all that matters is that we live up to someone elseâs ideals.
Whilst operating this way may well be integral to our survival at some point and in some situations, recovery means thriving (not just surviving) and knowing that we deserve better. Part of our healing lies in beginning to accept ourselves in our entirety, and that means honouring our emotions and needs.
How can someone with NPD avoid furthering the neglect they experienced as a child and learn to honour their needs?
Identifying the problem is the first step: noticing when we are disregarding our well-being or the negative impact of a decision. When we can notice, first in hindsight and then in the moment, consistently, we can theoretically start to change the way we make decisions to honour our feelings and needs.
All our emotions, including anger, sadness and fear, tell us something about ourselves, our internal narratives, and our needs. Instead of seeing them as a nuisance, we can learn to hear what they are telling us. We can start framing our needs as something worth meeting - see ourselves as worth taking care of.
If only it was that simple, right?
Many of us with NPD are resistant to any form of vulnerability. Having needs in any form can feel like weakness, like something so painfully human, something other people have but we rise above of. It can feel like acknowledging our imperfection and going against the instinct to always strive for perfection. Not everyone with NPD will experience this, but I definitely do.
If you feel repulsed by sentiments like âhonour your needsâ and âyou are worthy of your needs being metâ - I see you. If that feels like admitting to weaknesses you'd prefer not to have, I see you.
As someone in recovery, I hate that I feel this way. I want to get better, and it is incredibly frustrating to have these very real, very intense thoughts and feelings.
Let me just say, suppressing those thoughts, bulldozing through that resistance - it doesn't work. No-one can learn to honour their feelings by neglecting the parts of themselves that donât want to honour their feelings.
Someone with NPD might be resistant to making healthy choices for a variety of reasons, but I believe the approach to overcoming this resistance is the same.
How do we move forward?
Drawing from models such as shadow work and internal family systems (IFS), I believe the solution is curiosity and compassion for every aspect of ourselves, especially the scary, unpleasant or destructive parts. Recovery lies in approaching those parts of ourselves in a thoughtful and non-judgmental way; to ask, âWhat are you trying to protect me from?â and to genuinely listen. Every part of us serves a purpose, even the parts that try to block our healing. We have to listen to all of it. I believe that compassion for THOSE parts will allow us to break the cycle of self-neglect. Perhaps if we can hear ourselves out and acknowledge the purpose our resistance serves, we can let it go and move forward.
Remember that everyone is different, and every person with NPD is different. Our lived experiences, situations and traumas are different. Ultimately, our recovery journeys must be tailored to our unique needs and experiences.
But since this is a traumagenic disorder, surely healing lies in giving ourselves the care we were denied that caused the disorder to form in the first place. Fear and shame keep us trapped; the antidote is compassion.
One Final Thought
Probably most of us were raised to believe real success lies in things like certain job titles, in wealth, in status symbols. As NPDers, we can get caught up in what will make us appear successful to others.
But, given how easy it can be to abandon our needs, is it truly a weakness to honour them? Who determines the hallmarks of true strength? Are we defining success for ourselves, or do we let others, our abusers, capitalism, etc. define it for us? What if we knew we chose what the measures of true success look like for ourselves, and it was better than the ones we were given?
being trans and stealth (as in, very few people irl knowing you are trans) is a very specific experience, and while it comes with a lot of material advantage, most of all for trans men, it is also a very lonely experience, and one people should approach with more empathy.
like, i do not mention to people that i am trans, almost never. i go to great lengths to avoid mentioning it. iâm not ashamed of being trans, itâs just not a relevant information to share. i donât talk about trans issues irl. i live with people who do not know i am trans, i fuck people who do not know i am trans, i have deep friendships with people who do not know i am trans.
for a lot of people, being stealth is not a possibility ; however, in all cases, it also comes with a great level of danger. in many cases, the more you look like a cis person, the more violent people get when they find out youâre trans. it is a very lonely experience in many ways, most of all because being stealth means you canât connect with other stealth trans people, since youâre never gonna mention it to each other. cis people can absolutley not wrap their head around the fact that people like you can exist, and say a lot of fucked up stuff in your presence.
i just wish people could include stealth trans people in their analysis, acknowledge that there are poor stealth trans people, stealth trans people of color, gay and bi stealth trans people (which is another bag of worms entirely), young and old stealth trans people, that anyone could be a stealth trans person, and that it does come with specific challenges other people might never understand.
Self harm is when you are sad, numb, overwhelmed, and or want attention so youâŠ
Purposefully cut your skin.
Purposefully punch, scratch, burn, hit, or disfigure your skin.
Self harm is ALSO when you are sad, overwhelmed, numb, and or want attention so youâŠ
Drink for the sole purpose of getting drunk.
Take drugs (especially for the sole purpose of getting high).
Drive while intoxicated.
Swim while intoxicated.
Speed while driving.
Purposefully put yourself in danger.
Sabotage your relationships.
Purposefully have unsafe sex (choosing no condoms, not testing, etc).
Get in physical altercations.
Pull your hair.
Pull your hair out.
Pick at your nails till they bleed.
Reopen scabs.
Gamble a lot of money.
Starve yourself.
Eat so much that you throw up.
Eat uncontrollably.
Self harm is any behavior that causes physical and or mental harm to cope. Whether physical scars are left behind makes no difference. Anyone who copes with harmful behaviors in response to negative emotions needs and deserves help. You deserve help.
Please remember intersex people during these next 4 years. To support and worry about us too, not just perisex trans people. Intersex people are fully affected by the idea of "only male and female allowed" laws. Intersex people are affected by anti trans laws even if not all of us are trans. Many of us can't pass or hide our features, similar to how some trans people can't. We (the systems body) for example are physically incapable of passing as "cis" unless we get surgeries and hormones which still wouldn't change the fact we're intersex. We can't blend in, we get clocked as "queer looking" no matter what we wear or how we act. Don't forget about us when making posts about protecting trans and queer people. - âïž
"You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that needs to be fixed with SSRIs to alleviate depression."
Have you considered not one chemical is responsible for depression and it could potentially be one's environment? One's strategies to cope with mental exhaustion and stress? Have we not concluded that SSRI treatment isn't for everyone yet, and that depression is still a symptom we are exploring treatment for and thus it is not a 'one size fits all'?
I need someone who fundamentally understands how to be a compassionate human being to talk to me and give me some sort of solace. Because tbh I do not care for a hyper empath rn!
Being reminded that we as humans are technically great apes makes me feel significantly cooler. I am LITERALLY the product of hundreds of thousands of years of apes evolving. I just wish this didn't come at the expense of a conscious suffering.. and taxes.. and shitty insurance plans..
People fighting over mundane stupid shit while Trump is going to remove trans people from their right to identify as their gender on the 20th. Lol I hate this website.
Being a system with aphantasia sucks because I can't see the inner world, nor can I imagine my headmates and how they sound, and I struggle with helping them front. I solely rely on feeling and physical body sensation. Absolutely awful.
