Words hurts more than bullets, there are always scars and even fragments inside.
“You are normal,” “you are not fat,” “you are beautiful,” they say, but in my head I hear these dozens of voices. dozens of different voices filled with poison and malice ...
Fat.
Cow.
Horse.
Ugly
You're fat and ugly, don’t write me more.
"DUFF"
"Yes, who can love you, you damn cow?"
Dozens of bullets that were right in the heart and stuck somewhere around. Post-traumatic syndrome, can you call it that?
I managed to change many times. Lose weight, no ... Drain yourself on hunger strikes and torment yourself with five-hour workouts. Become well-groomed, but not be able to feel confident without a ton of cosmetics. I learned how to dress beautifully, but I can’t wear a tight dress, pants or swimsuit without a tears and walk in them without thinking about how someone sees my fat thighs, fat belly or fat sides.
I can’t go shopping and take what I like and eat, when I want and what I want, because I will always think that it’ll make me a fat, ugly cow.
I look at myself in the mirror and see only flaws. I don’t ask for compliments - I see myself as a freak, unworthy of my own love, or something stranger. Who can ever love me like that? Large, huge, heavy, terrible, stupid, soft-bodied.
I'm still afraid to look into the eyes of unfamiliar men, I never smile at them and, if I have the opportunity, I turn to the other side of the street, away from the noisy company of guys. I hurt myself, punishing everything that is “not right” in me, I still look at these scars.
I'm afraid to go out if I eat an extra apple. I'm afraid someone will say in my face that I ...
Fat
Cow
Freak
Pimply
by the same voices.
 And I remember their faces, always remembered. I was about 8 when it all started. And by “I'm afraid to go out”, I mean real isolation of the house or forced access to people, and later tearful hysteria and all-consuming self-loathing.
Demons with THEIR faces devour me from within.
I look in the mirror and I want to tear off my skin, at least to try. I recently read my old personal diary.
"I am not worthy to live with such a body. I want it all to end. I want to die or at least isolate myself from people, from food, from mirrors - from everything that makes me suffer."
All this dirt has been living in me for 16 years. 16 years.
And what's the funny thing?
The people who fired these bullets forgot it.
It's hard for me to talk about it. And it seems to everyone that it's so easy to forget. Just love yourself.
But I couldn’t remove these bullets in right time.
I just hate how I look, how I think, how I feel.
"You just need a man" - I often hear, but how can someone love me if I don’t love myself?
I am not writing this to pity me or even understand. It's just my story, with which I haven't managed yet, but I am trying to fight. And I want to support those who suffer as well. Announcement of the problem - its recognition, this is the first stage to the solution.
That's why I'm trying to start a social project to fight
against aggression to people who has a non-standard appearance. (it can be such only aggressor’s oppinion).
I enter the hashtag #bulletfrombullyng
With it, everyone can tell there story, tell how has they handled with this pain or how they still try to handle it, or maybe someone of his relatives suffers, because many people, at any age or even position, faced open aggression or aggression in social networks.
Among them, one takes a lot of time to cope with the injury caused, others cannot cope until the end of their lives, and some, as we know, left their lifes. What makes it necessary to attract more attention to the problem.
#bulletfrombullyng
help me turn a single sprout into a blooming garden. This project can be something wonderful for humanity. Leave your input. Make our story less tragic, remind the shooters of their bullets, maybe punishment will follow the crime, according to Dostoevsky.
The project is just starting for the MASS MEDIA PERSPECTIVE - 2018, which can be a real impetus to a further, more massive development of my idea and real help to the victims of bullying.
I opened my soul for a reason. NOWÂ now it's your turn to speak
#seemealive
#bulletfrombullyng
video author:Â samsplace
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5rSyAd-PYo
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