The love languages system has five different, “love languages” that help people understand how they personally express, and comprehend love and affection. There’s, Quality Time, Physical touch, Gift giving, Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. As we all know, INTJs aren’t usually into emotional expressions in general. This naturally suggests that INTJs prefer Acts of Service as their love language because it is a practical and often has no direct emotional input. However the love language that I find myself and the other INTJs around me preferring is not Acts of Service, as much as Quality Time.
Quality time though, in my opinion, is more complex than people think. Essentially, quality time is sharing in something. It’s experiencing something together. Quality time is about having your thoughts and feelings be in sync with someone else’s. To me that is a profound connection that is something that I both want to share with people I care about, and use to bring myself closer to people I don’t know very well yet.
One of the main expressions of quality time, I find, is humor. At first it seems like a strange place to get to from “Quality Time, but the object of humor is essentially to share a connection with someone. When you crack a joke that you think is funny and someone else laughs, you are instantly on the same emotional and intellectual wavelength. The same goes for things that are more intellectual. I find myself constantly sharing back and forth with the INTJs I know. You-tube videos music and even philosophy all work towards getting us on the same wavelength.
While a good indication of what your love language is comes from how you treat people you care about, another one is how you react when your love language is abused. People who prefer Physical Touch are extremely sensitive to physical abuse. People who prefer words of affirmation are sensitive to Verbal abuse etc. I can’t speak for others but I find that not being able to share ideas and humor with someone immediately snuffs out a chance of a close relationship. I think this is why INTJs can be so lonely. When no one cares about our thoughts and ideas, when nobody respects our desire for an intellectual connection, we disconnect from them emotionally. Even with people I’m close with I find myself having to push down disappointment when they don’t laugh at a joke or don’t find an idea of mine interesting.
Unfortunately the combination of INTJs strange approach to love languages and their unorthodox interests makes it very difficult for people to understand that they care, and more importantly, how we care. People will tell you that an INTJ gives you advice if they like you, but another sign to look out for is whether they want to share ideas and experiences with you. With the abnormal way INTJs tend to think about the world, letting you know what their thinking and dreaming about can be a big leap of trust.
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