The Sornieth Times

The Sornieth Times is a parody news blog centered around the game Flight Rising. New articles are posted every or every other Saturday. Please do not take this blog seriously.

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Sornieth Learns to Use Spacebook Responsibly. Again.

A new wave of paranoia is sweeping through Sornieth this month as users everywhere are learning that Arcane social media platform, Spacebook, knows quite a lot about them. This fear is especially prevalent in older users, questioning why the astro-themed website has them pegged for a specific religion when “all they did was like some pages about politics.” Younger dragons more familiar with social media are allegedly not as surprised.

“If you wrote on Spacebook that you like Hillary Swiftwing, I don’t think you can really be surprised that Spacebook learned this about you. It’s honestly right there,” said one fae blogger about the controversy.

However, older members of Sornieth were not to be comforted by logical reasoning, and a lot of the anger has landed on CEO Mark ZuckerBar. Hardly the first time Spacebook has been known to raise concerns about privacy, our press already had a list of questions to ask, and used the rest of our time unfollowing political pages on social media…

The young CEO mentioned that Spacebook can only know information you give it, and if users are responsible with what data they spread online, there shouldn’t be any problem. In fact, the reason you can see what Spacebook has you categorized as is an attempt to be more transparent in light of past controversies.

ZuckerBar has also come on record to state that your information is being kept very safe.

Just like all your credit card info.

Bringing you the news, and looking over our shoulder, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Shifting Expanse Revealed to Actually be Powered by Thousands of Hamsters on Tiny Hamster Wheels

In a shock about the size of that created by a hamster wheel, the greatest minds of Sornieth have unearthed the reality that the Shifting Expanse, known for its harnessing of electricity and home of the lightning flight, is actually just powered by small rodents running in circles.

This realization almost went another year without discovery. As the elite circle traveled through the vast, electric desert, they allegedly “could only feel awe” at the immense reactors around them... that is, until one started squeaking.

Despite the pleas of the guards, the group forced their way into the tower to find an enormous network of hamster wheels, all powered by their own hamster.

“Certainly we were all horrified,” a witness told our reporters. “But at the same time... they’re soooo cute.”

Although The Sornieth Times prefers to remain impartial, we did have to admit that some level of “soooo cute” was indeed present.

The news has made its way through Sornieth, powering protests and support marches alike. Stormcatcher has refused to comment on the discovery, but an inside source has claimed there were plans for a “very fuzzy ball pit.”

For once bringing you the fake news, Happy April Fool’s from The Sornieth Times!

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Get ready, Sornieth. Coatlchella music festival is coming to the Redrock Cove this April! Tickets are on sale now, and the official lineup is posted. It’s going to be unforgettable, and all over your Wingstagram, so be sure not to miss the dragon event of the year! Whether you whistle, sing, or are too small to be heard, we want to see you there this summer!

Something more upbeat this week, and wishing you a very happy Spring Break, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Tidelord to Clean Up Soap-Eating Trend

This week in a surprising press conference, Tidelord has announced that he will be cleaning up his line of detergents and discontinuing the popular and colorful “Tide Pods” following an online fad in which hatchlings were eating the soap in large numbers. What began as a joke, calling the Tide Pods a “forbidden snack” swiftly escalated into a sudsy phenomena and several soap-ingestion-related injuries. Although the water flight has made it quite clear on the packaging that the cleaning supplies are not to be consumed, Tidelord will be discontinuing the brand to ensure that no other hatchlings are hurt by this popular meme.

The brand has further apologized and expressed that they feel the incident has dirtied their name in the laundry industry, and that they hope by discontinuing it they can move forward with a clean state. Tidelord has also advised that if you know anyone who might be considering consuming laundry detergent to get them help.

Lather, rinse, repeat, report. Bringing you the news in one clean article, this is the Sornieth Times.

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Happy Holidays from The Sornieth Times!

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Bitecoin Value Grows Aggressively

It’s been a busy week for Sornieth. Amidst controversies against famed celebrity dragons and talks of removing net neutrality putting the Sea of a Thousand Currents’ fishing industry at risk, we weren’t sure there would be any good news to report on.

However, things are looking up in a different part of the world. This week Bitecoin, Sornieth’s crypto-currency, peaked in worth to one coin being worth 12 thousand gems, a new record high.

For those unfamiliar, Bitecoin began as an experiment several years ago. A group of dragons wanting to rebel against the main economy felt there should be a third currency, in addition to gems and treasure. This new currency would be decentralized, thus reducing any kind of governing control. This was done by using Mimics as the money (hence the term crypto-currency). These monsters disguised as coins were now being traded, and steadily increasing in value. Some have compared this to the sale price of sprites, which have skyrocketed in value since their release in 2013.

Those who invested in a Bitecoin when they were worth 25 treasure are now reaping in the benefits as they find their hoard now filled with gems. Some dragons aren’t sure Bitecoin is necessarily… legal. “I just don’t think it’s safe, having a currency like that. … I’m not paranoid, they literally have teeth,” one dragon told our reporters.

Another dragon gave us a different story, shoving handfuls of gold back into his pockets. “I don’t see what the big deal is.” He paused to hide some more gold in his satchel before continuing. “It’s just another investment.”

The lightning flight in particular has been enjoying this influx of revenue, their business generally seeing an increase of nearly 20%, but economics experts are fairly sure that will die back down once the news does.

Bringing you the latest, even when it has teeth, this is The Sornieth Times.

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You Might Be a Cat Person If...

Okay, so you love your cats, but you don’t want to be one of those crazy cat dragons. How do you know where the line is? Well our special feature from our friends at Bumblefeed is here to tell you 10 signs you might be a crazy cat dragon.

1. You might be a crazy cat dragon if you can’t tell if the shed fur around your lair is yours... or your cats’...

2. If your dragons keep bringing back cats to eat, but you now have a full hoard of “rescues,” you might be a crazy cat dragon...

3. You might be a crazy cat dragon if your cat companions eat a more balanced diet than you do.

4. If your gembond dragons double as scratching posts,

5. If you haven’t seen your smaller faes in a while...

6. If you’re not sleeping on your own bed because your cat got there first, you might be a crazy cat dragon.

7. You might be a crazy cat dragon if 90% of your conversations are showing other people pictures of your cats.

8. You might be a crazy cat dragon if you have more cat companions than there are dragons in your lair.

9. If you spent all your gems on the crazy cat dragon starter pack... you can’t even be surprised - you’re definitely a crazy cat dragon.

10. And if you’re still reading this article, you’re definitely a crazy cat dragon.

It’s a slow news day here in Sornieth, so please excuse our cat-titude. Bringing you the more paws-itive news this week, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Arcane Astros beat Coliseum Dodgers in Thrilling Sornieth World Series

It has been an eventful week in Sornieth! Between Halloween, new genes, and Riot of Rot, we did not think Sornieth could get more riled up…. But apparently it can.

History was made this week in the sports realm as Arcane’s pastime, Spaceball celebrated a new World Series winner. It was a tense faceoff between the Arcane Astros and Coliseum’s own Dodgers. Few dragons were expecting the Astros to make it as far as they did. Even many arcanite dragons were dubious.

Almost everyone was betting on the Coliseum Dodgers this year. 6-time World Series Champions, they seemed the team to beat. Many dragons who had encountered them in the coliseum could attest to their infuriating ability to move out of the way of oncoming blows… usually with much swearing. This trademark move by the Dodgers would often leave the opponent without breath to retaliate.

This frustrating tactic would make the Dodgers a tough opponent, but perhaps this expectation is what helped the Astros win this year. Some critics have denied the idea of an under-hainu advantage, though.

“I think the obvious technique here is their coach stocked up on agility,” writes one sport expert. “The Dodgers have been doing that for years, and it’s what makes them so tough to beat.”

However, not everyone is convinced. Some dragons don’t believe the agility stat helps overcome dodges, citing multiple instances where a single dodge completely wiped out their coliseum team, burned their crops, and plundered their village.

Nobody is fully sure how the Astros did it, but one thing is clear: it was a cosmic first championship for the rookie team. Bringing you the news live from home plate, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Scientists Claim Overpopulation “Impossible” Due to Prevalence of 1-Egg Nests

You heard it here first, following an extensive survey of Sornieth’s Clans, researchers have announced that overpopulation is statistically impossible.

“It’s just unlikely,” one stats expert tells our reporters. “Nearly every clan in Sornieth has reported an average of 2 eggs per nest at most.”

Clans across the continent have supported this claim, expressing frustration as dragon pairs - especially those with cooldowns of a month or more - scramble time and time again to produce the right outcome... to no avail.

A few minor groups who are opposed to breeding for specific physical outcomes might advocate that this is a helpful trait. Certainly, that overpopulation is far from a problem is eggcelent news for Sornieth’s resources and wildlife. However, this is a minority view; pretty much everyone else is pissed.

It is also believed that part of this statistic is due to the frequency of exalted dragons. As more and more dragons depart to serve the deities, and less hatchlings are born, Sornieth’s dragon population stays well under control.

Researchers did find the startling realization that while single-egg nests are very common in selective breeding pairs, if two random dragons are thrown together, the outcome is more likely 4 to 5 eggs. This only aggravates clans more, but it does not seem much can be done to save clans the months of waiting for that perfect outcome.

Wishing the news were more sunny side up, and definitely shaming our own freaking breeding pairs, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Sornieth Starstruck as SpaceXYX Sets Sights on Space

Sornieth’s social media is ablaze this week following the announcement by genius billionaire He-long Musk that SpaceXYX would be starting research to colonize Sornieth’s moons. Musk went on to unveil a spacecraft that would allow travel to anywhere on Sornieth in under an hour, much faster than any dragon can fly. The excitement of these possibilities has left many dragons starry-eyed.

For those unfamiliar with He-long Musk, the billionaire rose to fame and fortune following his co-creation of financial service FaePal. From there he was the leading mind behind a number of world-changing companies, such as SpaceXYX and SolarbladeCity. Musk has been influential in implementing a number of eco-friendly and futuristic utilities in Sornieth, even briefly serving as advisor to Donald Snump in hopes that his input might prevent ecosystem disaster.

The announcement of other worldly colonization could not be better timed. As Sornieth celebrates its annual Starfall Celebration, many dragons were already looking to the stars in wonder. Now the excitement can hardly be contained as dragons everywhere dream of what settling a new world could be like. Even those less-inclined to visit Sornieth’s moons are enamored by the idea of being able to travel anywhere in the world in a matter of minutes.

Of course, it will likely take years before Musk’s SpaceXYX is ready to commercialize this kind of travel, but Sornieth is still seeing stars.  And when the time comes, we’ll be sure to bring you the latest. The only semi-monthly dragon newspaper that is truly out of this world, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Startling Skies Shake Sornieth

Although The Sornieth Times does not usually report on the weather, the last few days in Sornieth have seen some of the most bizarre atmospheric events known to dragonkind, and it’s left the continent, well, winded. Kicking off the spectacle, the continent witnessed a rare solar eclipse. Although totality was not seen from every area, nearly all of Sornieth could notice unusual crescent-shaped shadows as one of the moons passed by the sun.

More superstitious dragons have claimed that the event was caused by the Shadowbinder, perhaps as a prank on Lightweaver. However, light flight dragons who don’t wish to have their god disgraced have countered by stating that the glowing deity “let it happen.” A substantial amount of shade has been cast from both flights, while Arcane has tried to shed light on the subject with their more scientific findings.

However, a conspiracy theory also began to spread that the infamous Shade had returned to destroy the planet, and several anxious dragons could be seen exhibiting end of the world signs. However, the eclipse itself only lasted a few hours, and afterwards life returned to normal. Dragons that had sold their lairs to prepare for the apocalypse were left sheepishly buying them back and apologizing for spreading panic.

Maybe Windsinger wanted in on the action, though, because just a few days later came a big windstorm, so named Hurricane Harpy. Much less destructive than most hurricanes, this storm only really knocked a few tortoises on their backs. Sornieth Times has been given the statement, though, that familiar-kind will rebuild. In the meantime, wind dragons are enjoying the thrilling skies, and water clans have encouraged the rain to keep coming.

Fortunately, the storm is expected to dissipate in just a few days, so Sornieth can put away its “the end is near” signs and resume normal life. Coming to you whatever the weather, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Newly Discovered Grove Growing on Sornieth

It has been one very busy week in Sornieth following the shocking discovery of a new venue, the Blooming Grove. Initially uncovered deep within the Everbloom Gardens, word of a lush new area spread like moss, bringing dragon visitors from all over the continent.

Now having had a week to check it out, experts are saying the new region has a lot to offer… though mostly flowers.

“There are species in here previously unknown to dragonkind. Just imagine what that’s going to do to medicine industry?”

Our reporters assume “grow.”

However, the Grove isn’t the only thing blooming in this discovery. The stock market faced a major impact as prices for “Apple” stock soared from the amount of new product within the Grove, leaving many dragons throughout Sornieth with more than one kind of lettuce, if you know what I mean.

The discovery of the Blooming Grove has also brought about improved relations with the dryads, planting the start of alliances for many nature clans. However, the introduction of these new friends is making certain activist lairs question the way dragons have been doing things. A peppy coatl from the Shifting Expanse weighed in with her thoughts.

“I mean, it’s bad enough we dragons go barging in to these territories like we do. But… like… now we have these vegetable people and it makes me wonder. Is veganism a hate crime now?”

Medical experts say no, reminding some dragons that plants are all they can and should eat. They do, however, add that eating dryads is probably unwise.

It’s clear that the new development is going to lead to some growth around Sornieth. Though with most things there tends to be controversy, the Blooming Grove is definitely growing on dragons, and researchers and economists are giving it the green light.

Okay, okay, that’s enough “grow” jokes. I think we’ll leave it at that. Bringing you the news as it blooms, this is The Sornieth Times.

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Pepsea PR Disaster

Kicking off what would prove to be a month of PR fails, water flight’s corporate beverage producer, Pepsea released what swiftly became one of the most controversial advertisements of all time. Released just a few weeks ago, the ad campaign began promisingly, Pepsea sparing no expense on the hopeful commercial. Even Kendall Glimmer, half-sister of TV personality Crim Kardashian agreed to star in the film, claiming to support the supposed emphasis on the youth of Sornieth.

Unfortunately for Pepsea, the commercial cannon-balled into failure, and controversy swept through Sornieth almost immediately. In fact, in less than 24 hours after its release, the ad was taken down, and the campaign halted on every platform, and move undoubtedly costing the drink company millions, and leaving them rather dry.

The cause of the controversy? It initially seems unclear, as the entire commercial is rather ambiguous. The ad takes place amidst an unnamed, vague protest. Young dragons are running through the city waving banners advocating for peace, without really naming what threat to peace they oppose to begin with. The closing scene involves Glimmer handing a Pepsea to a police-dragon on the opposing side, sending the crowd into cheers of victory. So what’s the issue? Vocal bloggers chimed in with their two gems on the matter.

“The issue is the vague, ambiguity of the whole ad. A protest on a real social issue is hard, and there is great cost in acting for justice. This advertisement cheapens that, and commercializes real movements – things like Beastclans Lives Matter (BLM). You can’t use a cause like that to sell your re-branded seawater, Pepsea.”

Much of social media was in agreement over the resemblance to the BLM movement, and the issues with looking like it without actually affiliating with the movement itself.

Shortly after removing the public relations disaster, Pepsea Corporate issued a public apology, promising that “no harm was meant,” and that the damage caused was “clearly unacceptable on our part.” Fortunately for the soft drink company, their PR mistakes would soon be forgotten as U-Flighted Airlines would one-up the marketing disaster not even a week later.

Bringing you the news a little late, this has been The Sornieth Times.

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Awkward Mix-Up at Academy Awards Ceremony

In a tense and embarrassing moment during the Oscars, La La Landing won... and then lost Best Picture. An unfortunate misplacement of the envelopes prevented the real winner, Moonlight, from being announced until after the mistake was very public, making for a memorable and ridicule-filled night.

A musical about two skydancers pursuing their dreams, La La Landing was nominated for a record-meeting fourteen awards, and as the night went on, the film still obtained six of them. Unfortunately the celebratory atmosphere was cut short when the host mistook an envelope presenting Emma Stone as best actress for the announcement of Best Picture.

The result, of course, was mixed from several million viewers. Fans of the upbeat musical who felt La La Landing should have won were understandably upset. Other dragons simply felt that Moonlight was the better film, some even going so far as to call La La Landing overrated.

The host issued a strong apology for the mistake, and the ceremony went on as usual, but the internet, of course, would not be so easily quieted. Regardless, it was a night to remember for the crews of each film, and a great centre of entertainment for viewers all over Sornieth.

Back with another entertainment recap, this is The Sornieth Times.