the space between my words

i don't always say what I mean.

[the-space-between-my-words]

I fear I take up too much space.

I gnaw my tail to a memory and pray the scent of blood does not disturb your peace.

[the-space-between-my-words]

"Are you scared once you leave him, you won't find anyone again?"

He told me he loved me

As he stitched my wounds up with his left hand

Let me know he hated the feeling of my blood on his fingertips

But that he'd do it anyway because he's a savior, always had been.

It's his burden, like me.

Some years later though

I did wonder

Why his left hand carried healing

But his right hand always held a sullied knife.

"Mm I don't know what my future holds

and that's okay

because whatever it is,

it won't be him."

[the-space-between-my-words]

"How was your day? What did you do?"

It was my 130th day alive,

I went to a coffee shop and wrote in my journal,

I listened to audiobooks on psychology,

I went to the gym to get stronger,

I went shopping for my family's dinner,

I cooked my family's dinner,

Then when I was cleaning up,

After everyone was asleep,

I stood in my kitchen,

And clicked my heels together and wished to go home.

It didn't work.

So I did it again.

I wondered where I would find myself.

It still didn't work so I clicked them harder.

Then I finished tidying the kitchen.

"It was a good day. I accomplished a lot.'

I moved the few hundred pills from beside my bed to the kitchen like my therapist told me to 130 days ago;

"How about you?"

I left one bottle

[the-space-between-my-words]

"I love you"

There's a reason every single woman you've ever loved from daughter to lovers to mother has left you.

You're essence, the essence of you that disgusts me, makes them run for cover.

I actually spoke to your ex girlfriend when you left the house with that gun. I told her to leave you. I told her what you were and to run, although she didn't leave you until her son begged her to because he was worried for her safety.

You told me you can only easily tolerate a week around my mother but you are so far past my tolerance of you

"You too. I'll be back in an hour."

[the-space-between-my-words]

"Goodbye bestest sister in the whole world"

I heard this saying

'when I die I will go to heaven

because I have walked through hell'

And I will

And I have

But you dear brother

You will go to hell because

You have brought hell upon others

"Be safe and healthy in the ways you can control, have a good flight back"

[the-space-between-my-words]

I take great relief in not being the center of the universe.

[the-space-between-my-words]

"Do you have lip balm?"

I'm trying not to give my confidence to you

But I think I like my body better with your hands on it

"No, but I have lip gloss if you want some haha"

[the-space-between-my-words]

"Do you have lip balm?"

I'm trying not to give my confidence to you

But I think I like my body better with your hands on it

With your hand around my waist

I think I like the view of half my face in your car side mirror as your permanent passenger

It doesn't seem to matter how much I gain or lose

When my arms can hold you all the same

I think it's the way we regard each other with acceptance

You're checking if I ate

I'm telling you I'm at the gym

You're asking what my focus is

Then we're laying in bed and you trace my spine with your fingers

And I decide I love my spine even if it pokes out

I don't want to be codependent again

I don't want my confidence to fall into the hands of one person

But oh what just having your hands on me makes me think of myself

"No, but I have lip gloss if you want some haha"

[the-space-between-my-words]

"I just kept remembering I felt safe around him once and I chased that feeling, maybe as much as I chased his love."

"Was he safe?"

He was safe like a campfire on a freezing night.

Proximity matters.

I got closer to feel the warmth.

And closer.

After a while I did not feel the burn

But that didn't mean I wasn't on fire.

"No."

[the-space-between-my-words]

"I feel like you don't love me like you used to"

It wasn't healthy love.

You were my sole source of happiness-

-so I was depressed all the time.

"but I do still love you"

[the-space-between-my-words]

The conversation I'm scared to have

"I just feel like you don't love me like you used to."

I love you enough to stay.

My past love was obsessive, all consuming, and codependent.

You were my sole source of happiness-

-so I was depressed all the time.

My heart warms when I see your face...

Does it matter that it does not warm

at your memory

at your messages

at pictures

when I mention you?

...the rarity that is

You occupy my heart not my mind

though our souls are tied.

I wish I cared more.

I've tried to care more.

But I can't force feelings.

So I choose to love you

Love can be a choice

"I choose you."

[the-space-between-my-words]

"I'm just tired."

Please let me sleep

Forever.

[the-space-between-my-words]

"I know you're going through a lot. I can tell. And I'm sorry."

Your concern

It disgusts me.

I try to feel guilty for that.

I try to feel guilty for the pang of resentment I feel for the people that don't let me die.

If I die, they will be more than concerned.

So I live in the shallowest way that term can mean.

I don't have a heart disorder that will kill me.

So many doctors poked and tested me just to tell me I'm not dying yet.

What crimes did I commit to lose even the mercy of death?

I just want a death no one can blame me for.

"I'm just tired."

Tired of the endless pain in my broken body.

Tired of fighting for every shred of sanity I can find in my broken mind.

I'm so tired.

Please let me sleep

Forever

[the-space-between-my-words]

"There's a good possibility that you have and have seemingly had since childhood... Narcolepsy."

I'm the kind of tired people don't wake up from.

Always thought that.

Always felt that.

"It can't be cured but it can be treated. We're going to need to run several tests. "

If I have always had it, I've already started adjusting.

"What about the dizziness?"

I came here to hear about why I'm dizzy.

Everyone already knows I'm always sleepy.

"That can be explained by the fatigue of narcolepsy or your history with migraines"

I'm the kind of tired people don't wake up from.

I'll accept this potential new diagnosis and the ripping of my mental health diagnosis after more tests.

More tests.

More poking.

More proding.

I'm tired already.

[the-space-between-my-words]

"...and follow up with a cardiologist in two days "

I now have

A cardiologist. A gastroenterologist. And a psychiatrist.

I'm good part of the way to being the start of a bad joke.

"I can't sleep with the palpations, can you please give me something for sleep? I'm so tired"

I'm the kind of deep down tired most people don't wake up from.

"No"

I might have stopped trying to kill me but my body hasn't.

It's always something with me.

" A..."

psychiatrist, a cardiologist, and a gastroenterologist walk into a bar...

"Alright"

[the-space-between-my-words]

"Hey, how was your test?"

Today, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the fact that my mental illness is genetic and my death would be traumatic enough to trigger it in you.

"I passed but I should have done better. "

I would have foraged a poisonous mushroom and went to my favorite spot on the river.

"You did your best. Don't beat yourself up."

[the-space-between-my-words]

My therapist asked, "What would it look like if you lived for yourself?"

And I said,

"Hobbies without guilt even if they cost money. Saying what I mean, not constantly judging myself, kind words, thinking less about others, allowing myself the space to enjoy my life when I can and also the space to mourn difficulties"

But that wasn't true.

The truth is, if I lived for myself,

I wouldn't live at all.

If I made a choice purely for myself,

I would take the hundreds of items in my gratitude journal and never experience them again.

I would take every person I love,

And never see them again.

If I lived for myself,

I would not live at all.

There are reasons I continue to walk this Earth

But wanting to be here

Is not one.