My Secret Diary

All content here is my own My side blog for reblogs is @that-i-did-always-love

[the-starkest-madness]

Sadness

A cage

Poetry

A release

But this bird

Has grown tired of flapping her wings

My cage is consuming me

And now even this poem can’t save me

[the-starkest-madness]

(Trigger Warning)

I’m starting to feel as if no one really owns anything,

Not even their own bodies,

I’m starting to fear,

That you can never be safe,

Because anyone can be overpowered,

You can have anything taken away,

Anything,

Except one thing,

Innocence.

The saying is not true,

No matter what they do to you, precious dear,

They can not take away your goodness with their evil,

Their dirtiness can never stain your soul,

No matter what you’re put through,

No matter what they do,

Their words, their actions, their manipulations,

Are theirs,

And none were deserved by you,

None were okay,

Thank you for surviving,

Even though they took your happiness away,

The only thing I know for sure,

Is that anything can be taken away,

So please gather your strength,

And try your best,

To take your happiness right back from them,

Bask in your freedom and joy for as long you can.

[the-starkest-madness]

Why is it that who we should be,

How we should act,

Where we belong,

What role we should play,

Is always trying to be decided by those,

Who have no clue what it’s like to walk in our shoes?

Who probably couldn’t survive being us for even a day?

They have no right to make rules for our lives.

Our place is where we want to belong,

Whatever feels like home.

Our actions,

Our traits,

Our personality is a unique piece of art that is ours to make.

Labels are ours to chose and embrace,

Or to completely do away.

Our past, our appearance, many will try to make them our cage,

Sometimes without us even noticing,

But we don’t have to follow the path of least resistance,

And we definitely don’t have to walk on thorns,

So that the gardeners that planted them don’t feel pain.

You deserve happiness,

You deserve to live your truth,

You deserve to freely be you.

[the-starkest-madness]

A song

A picture

A date on the calendar

A season

A feeling

A memory

A helplessness

An empty space

An ache

A shadow of the grief that once consumed me

A misstep back into that darkness

A pain I don’t wanna forget

A pain I feel I deserve

A shame

A regret

A guilt I’ll never shake

No chance to fix my mistake

No way to go back in time

To stop myself from walking away

You deserved better

You deserved a cousin like the one you were to me

If you can read this

Thank you

That’s what I should’ve said all along

I was the older one

But you were the one looking out for me

I’m sorry for not seeing that

I’m sorry for pulling away

I’m sorry for not letting you be there for me

Most of all

I’m sorry for not being there for you

And one more thing

I want to say something I said before

But I wish I’d said it more

I love you

(Fly high baby girl)

[the-starkest-madness]

Minutes count down

Faster please!

Yes!

Finally

I’m here

Wait

No

I’m not ready to leave

I’m not ready

(For the shortest and longest tragedy)

[the-starkest-madness]

I’ll never be the master of manipulation that you are

And God knows I pray that I never am

But you don’t own the rights to passive aggressiveness

And I’ve grown tired of trying to avoid your poisonous kisses

So here, I’ll take your kiss

Because then you have to take mine in return

Feeling sick?

I can feign innocence and ignorance and play the victim just as easily as you can

Well, maybe not just as easily

Because unlike you, I do have a conscience

But I think it’ll survive this one time

You always wanted to mold me into a better but controllable version of you

You can’t control me

But tell me,

How am I at playing your vicious little game?

I hope you’ve finally met your match

Because like I said, I’m tired of running

So kiss, kiss

Check mate.

[the-starkest-madness]

just read one of your beautiful poems. if you ever need someone to reach out to, i'm here, even if all hope is gone

Thank you 💜 that’s really kind of you and I really appreciate it

[the-starkest-madness]

Rate your pain on a scale of one to ten,

Zero being no pain,

Ten means you feel like you’re dying.

No pain?

What would that even feel like?

I can’t recall.

Did I ever know?

Surely I must have,

But it’s been so long ago.

What if I know I’m not dying,

But the pain is so bad that I wish I was?

What do you rate such unbearable pain?

How do you survive it, when you’re being forced to survive,

To endure the never ending agony?

How do you hold on when there’s no relief in sight?

While everyone turns a blind eye,

Too afraid of creating addicts,

But who cares about pain driven suicides?

So how do you hold on when all hope is gone?

How can I hold on?

[the-starkest-madness]

This is who I am

This is who I wanna be

If you don’t like it, move on

Because baby I ain’t giving up me

[the-starkest-madness]

Free will might lead to terrible things, But not having free will is the most terrible of things.

I come up with the most random, deep thoughts when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. A lot of times it’s nonsense, but I’m gonna try to start writing them down more so I won’t forget them in the morning. And I’ll post them sometimes if I still like them once I’m fully awake, like I’m doing with this one.

[the-starkest-madness]

Unforgotten crushes

Unfulfilled, Unexplored, forever Unspoken

Impossible to know what would have been

Therefore impossible to dismiss

Even if you are happy with your outcome...

It’s not like I’d ever choose to go back

To take that chance

Risk making things different

But still it circles my mind every now and again

Who I am doesn’t kill the curiosity of who I could’ve been

Who we might’ve been

Despite knowing that the universe was right

We shouldn’t have been

[the-starkest-madness]

If you want your words to mean anything, then don’t misuse and abuse them. Words like love, promise, and sorry could be strong words, but are too often rendered hollow and dead in the mouths of the careless and the manipulative.

[the-starkest-madness]

Pain does everything it can to take your happiness, your sanity, your life away. Losing to it doesn’t make you a failure. It is a relentless, murderous beast, and it is not your fault if you cannot survive it - especially if the people who are supposed to be there to help you turn you away or join in on the attack. I will never fault someone for losing to their pain; they were a victim and likely deserved so much better. And I hope that, if I ever succumb to mine, I’ll be granted that same understanding and compassion. I’m still doing my best to fight and to survive for as long as I can. I don’t know if I’ll get better one day and win, or if it’ll only get worse and I’ll lose. I’m just holding on the best I can in this moment. And I hope that you are, too. How bout we hold on to each other and pray, that it’s enough to keep the beast at bay?

[the-starkest-madness]

And so the tears flowed as if a dam had broke, for her fragile heart had.

(words and artwork by @the-starkest-madness)

[that-i-did-always-love]

Hi everyone. I am a fairly new writer on tumblr. My main blog and the blog where I only post my original content is @the-starkest-madness

This blog, @that-i-did-always-love , is where I’ll reblog my favorite pieces from other writers and artists.

[the-starkest-madness]

How many times did you call me your true love, your soul mate, your one and only?

I used to believe two of those were true,

But one was never enough for you.

So many times I walked away,

Just to come back for promises of change,

Because I thought that your love meant more than anything.

I hoped that the ring on my finger would set me apart from the rest,

I thought our long history was proof that our future was set.

Your actions screamed that your heart was true,

But there were many contradicting screams I turned a blind eye to.

It took much too long for me to finally leave,

Even then you still made me believe,

That you would never love someone as much as you love me,

But years and wisdom has made me less naive.

So am I supposed to say that you loved me in your own way?

No, the only thing that made me special was how many times I chose to stay.

[the-starkest-madness]

Everyone is the good guy in their own story. Oh what remarkable fiction we weave...