Two Roads Diverged

"and I took the one less traveled by..."

[the-two-roads-diverged]

MzunguMemories: Secret Nutella

If you know me well, you know I have a love for Nutella. If you don’t, then here is an idea... It’s a staple in my life. It’s a main food group to me (sort of like when Buddy the Elf talks about the four main food groups of elves). Nutella is right up there, next to taquitos and slightly above spaghetti. It’s on my list of things I love the most. A love like this can’t be unbroken or replaced. A spoon and a jar of Nutella is all I need for dessert. Or when I am upset, Nutella is one of the only things that can fill me back up again. At least that’s what I thought before. 

Our amazing intern coordinator, Laura, had packed three jars of Nutella to bring with us. These had to last us the whole summer, because jars in Uganda were about $10USD. Of course, with 11 girls the first jar was gone within 3 days of opening. We opened the second jar for a brinner (breakfast for dinner) and that was gone within a 24 hours. We definitely got scolded for eating it straight out of the jar (Sorry Papa Mase). It was always sad trying to convince Mason to bring out the third jar, because we were told no a lot. I hadn’t really been using my spending money, so one Sunday during our weekly Quality (a mall/supermarket) after church, I sought out the aisle with Nutella. I found the biggest jar and proudly paid my approximately 36,000 Ugandan shillings like a kid using their saved up change for a treat at the store. Such a hallowed jar it was. I hid it in my bag, until we got back to House3 later that night. Then I hid it in a box, in the highest cabinet in our kitchen. No one knew about the jar to begin with, and before this summer, I would have told you no one knew about it. But their were three girls I just had to share it with. This secret Nutella.

Each night was the same. After arriving home from the different houses we were at, we had a quick group meeting then broke up into our family groups. For me, this meant going to the big girls room and cuddling onto Danielle’s bed with her, or laying on the floor with the snack I most likely grabbed because I had forgotten to take my Malaria pill. We debriefed, we talked about our daily readings from the Gospels, we laughed, we talked about cravings, and we poured into each other like no one else could. These girls, this family group, I tell ya.. There is nothing like them. And, for it’s beautiful, but short existence, we sat over that jar of secret Nutella, giggling and sharing this sweet slice of home. I never imagined how much these three loving souls would change my life. 

We texted often before the trip, praying for each other and talking about packing. To be perfectly honest though, I really didn’t think I would get along with these girls. I don’t know what it was, but I just felt I was so different, that this mixture would be awkward, that it wouldn’t work, or that we wouldn’t get along. I’m glad that I was so completely wrong. Because together, Shae, Emily, Danielle, and myself mixed together to form the Gals, the Funky Bunch, and the Co. These girls were just an extension of me. Food loving, adventure seeking, fluent in sarcasm, girls who just want to change the world.

Danielle is the mother hen. Sweet and soft spoken, she was always the first to help someone up when they were down, and take care of you when you weren’t feeling well. She has a heart that is as wide as the ocean is deep, full of love, kind words, and passion that she shares with every single person. God uses her to teach others how to love and share His love. He loves us, even when we think it might be hard for Him to love us. He stays with us when we are weak, helping us back up to keep running the race.

Shae is the realist. She is never afraid to tell you how it is, because she just knows what you need to hear. She is the one who will make you laugh with her sarcasm, then turn around and speak straight truth onto you. She showed me the importance of embracing each and every moment. Even if that moment was getting susu’ed(peed) on in the village, she took in the moment for everything that it was, and continued holding that little one. She is so full of love and compassion for everyone she meets. She showed me how God will do anything for us, to show us our worth. He holds us when we need to be held, even if we’ve done something we shouldn’t, and He pushes us when we need that extra confidence.

Emily is the bubbly one. No matter what the situation, Emily’s optimism and carefree attitude could brighten your day. She danced her way through chores, and sang her heart out every chance she got. Emily was the one who would pick up random little babes that would walk up, and cuddle them close. While she is fiercely loyal, she is also fearless in any situation. From jumping off a billboard into the Nile, or playing with Gunner (the House1 dog who everyone feared), she smiled and laughed and lived. She shows everyone God’s strength and power. We have nothing to fear when God is on our side. He is mighty. He is powerful. Nothing is too big for Him to handle.

Each of these three was unique in her own way. But I saw each of them love with arms wide open, just as Christ loves us. None of us is perfect, but we did what we could to build each other up. Before this summer, and throughout, I struggled a lot with who I was and where I was going.

I was broken. Incomplete. I felt useless and lost. At times I felt alone. But these girls picked me up. They comforted me and sometimes gave me the harsh truth that I needed to hear. Through their words and actions, they showed me my strengths and my weaknesses. They taught me how to believe in myself. They made me a more confident person. They made me stronger.

You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17 (MSG)

We can’t do this life alone. We can’t be everything we want to be without a little help along the way. So God puts people in our lives who will sharpen us. People who will change the way we see ourselves and everything around us. So find your Shae, your Danielle, and your Emily. Find the ones you are willing to share your secret Nutella with. Then crack open that sweet, beautiful jar, dip in your spoons, and let their words remind you who God made you to be.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

#MzunguMemories: You Give Me a Sweetie

One Sunday afternoon, my family group and I walked into house One after returning from Sunday Field day. We all scattered to check our normal chores, which meant I headed straight out back to do the dishes. What I came out to see was a huge, much larger than normal, pile of dishes in both sinks and the counter next to it. I stared at this pile in somewhat disbelief and my jaw just dropped. I called out to our leader Rachel and her reaction was the same as mine had been. "Okay, no." she said as she stared at the endless pile of dishes in the sink and on the ground. Almost immediately, she set to work, sorting out the piles of dishes while trying to free up the sink so we could actually wash them. So, under her direction, the piles became more organized. We sorted them out and set to work washing them.

Rachel looked at the house chore sheet, and saw that Vanessa was the only one home who was on dishes that day. So she found her and recruited her to help us out. Vanny willingly accepted and set out to washing the pans over by the water spout. We were both a little shocked at this, because usually Vanessa was the one tricking you into doing her chores. But there she was, working so hard, without saying a word.

However, we quickly realized that if we wanted to get these dishes done before devotions and dinner, we were going to need some more help. So Rachel offered her own sweeties to any child that would come help us dry and put away the dishes. Of course, some of the kids jumped on that opportunity. They all loved getting sweeties, especially Hannington.

Hannington (also known by Hanni and Hanni baby), is the youngest in-house Sozo Child, so naturally he holds the title of [arguably] being the cutest {and he knows it}. This is something he has been known to use to his advantage. He really is quite the sweetie himself, and is very smart. He works very hard at his baby class (Kindergarten) homework and hides it in absurd spots around the house. But he really does love his sweeties, which was why we weren't surprised when he came out to help us with the dishes.

Rachel and I both rolled our eyes as Hanni complained his way through "helping". At one point, Hannington put down the dishes he was drying, and looked over to Vanessa. She was still washing the pans all by herself and Hani looked at us and told us she should not get a sweetie. He stood there for a few minutes, doing nothing but complaining that Vanessa wasn't really helping.

"Hannington. Vanessa is scrubbing the pots like we asked her too. You're just standing there."

 He just sort of stared at us after Rachel said that, shocked that we would claim he was doing nothing. We also explained to him that Vanessa had started helping us without being offered any sweeties. Vanessa listened to her aunties when we asked for help. But Hanni just argued with us more. So we just went back to washing the dishes. A little while later, we finally had all the dishes cleaned and put away, and Rachel divided out the sweeties. Vanessa got a little extra for working so hard and not complaining.

In my life there are so many times that I am just like Hannington. I say “God, if you just do this one thing or give me this, I will do what it is that you want me to do.” I think that because I’m so sweet and adorable, I can bargain with God. I find myself believing if I try hard enough, I can work out some sort of trade with Him. So I push and shove, and complain through my task. In the end, I think I am so clever because I got what I wanted. I got my sweetie without really having to work for it.

This isn’t how we live for Christ. The lives we live for Christ, shouldn’t be bargains. They should be all-in, expect-nothing-in-return lives. Who we are as servants of God, should be like Vanessa and washing the pots. No complaints, no expectations. We just do what our God has commanded us and follow the path He has set before us.

That’s difficult though. It’s easy for us to say “God, you give me a sweetie and I’ll do what you’re asking me.” This isn’t the relationship we should have with our Merciful Creator. What’s not easy, is being all-in. We become afraid, and we worry. We start to think we know the best options and the best course. Then we stray from the path, and neglect what God is telling us. But He keeps pushing us back where we are suppose to go. So we make excuses, and make our bargains, expecting something in return for this apparent inconvenience. 

But then, we stop expecting and just, do. We realize that we need God to be our guide. We need Him so we don’t get lost. At that point, we start to follow the road God puts on our heart again. We jump in and do whatever it is we need to do. We end up halfway across the world for two months. Then, just like Vanessa, we get more than we ever could have imagined. 

[the-two-roads-diverged]

#MzunguMemories: Infections&Antibiotics

When I cut my thumb, the clinic gave me an antibiotic to take that would help fight infection. Even though I took it every day, I still panicked and feared I would get an infection. I had all these terrible images of my thumb turning black and yellow and having to get it cut off. I worried. I cried in our bathroom thinking it was infected. I had to be reassured that it was going to be okay and that the antibiotics were working. Of course I calmed down, and the fear slowly got smaller and smaller. But I still had a small fear of getting an infection (Spoiler Alert: I still have my thumb).

I think we get infections in our hearts too. Not actual infections, but metaphorical ones. Our hearts start to get so filled with resentment, anger, or bitterness, that it takes over our lives. So what can we do when an infection like that grows in our hearts? What is the antibiotic for that?

Want a classic recipe for conflict? Throw 16-17 people into one house, with three rooms for two months. Make sure a majority of these people are girls in their early 20s. Add in a bit of culture shock and sleepless nights, and it’s almost like you are destined for disaster. Right? Well, lucky for us, we all got a long great, for the most part. There were never any major yelling matches or horrible disasters. We all did our best to get along and we usually all did. Sure, just like any other group, there was eye rolling, scoffing, venting and sighs. But all in all we kept it together.

For me, however, I got an infection and it festered and hardened my heart more than it should have. I claimed it was a clash of personalities. A difference in leadership styles. I blamed it on words that were said. My family group told me it was probably just exhaustion and homesickness. My leaders told me it was the culture and close quarters. But this was all on me. Choosing to be unforgiving. Choosing to let the infection spread. Then. once that infection has set in, anything and everything will help it grow.

Anything this person said, or did, I found ways to pick it apart. I found ways to get angry or annoyed about any little thing. I pushed them further and further away from me. I didn’t let them in, or get to know them. I justified my actions by telling myself we were just ‘too different’ in any other setting, we wouldn’t be friends, so why try now? I sat in my family group meetings and complained about what they did wrong or how this person spoke down to me. 

I see now, that I approached the situation the wrong way. Even now, this person could be sitting there reading about this, and have no idea it is them who I am talking about. They could be sitting there not even knowing about the anger and bitterness I had in my heart while we were over in Uganda. 

This anger, this conflict, this infection took hold of me because I let it. I let the enemy get into my head and let it spread. It effected me, it effected my work, and it effected my relationship with this individual. I let it hinder parts of my experience {and probably parts of theirs} because I wasn’t depending on my antibiotic (Christ).

We all have conflicts in our lives. Conflicts that are acknowledged by both parties, minor conflicts, and even perceived conflicts that might not actually exist. This is when we have two options. We can let the enemy in, and let the infection take hold of us and spread like wildfire {this option can destroy relationships, hinder our work and force us to take two steps back}. Or we can use forgiveness and seek out love. We can depend on our Father as our antibiotic. He teaches us just how to grow and become stronger, despite our infections. We just have to trust that God is doing His work and will defeat our infection.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t realize this until I was home. I didn’t see how the bitterness was effecting my relationship {or lack there of} with this person. I didn’t know how much of my time in Uganda was being wasted because of my obsession with this infection. So, whether you know who you are or not, and you may not ever even read this, but to you I apologize. I am truly sorry for letting my own bitterness and pride get in the way of our relationship. I acted foolishly and let the infection set it. I should have been better for you, for me, for the team, and for Christ. I am so sorry.

We don’t like to admit it, but we all have infections like these. So we have to take that step, swallow the pill, and stop it from spreading.We won’t waste our time on petty things, but will be able to dedicate that time to love and service.  We will be much happier and more loving if we stop letting the infections win. Otherwise, we might all end up missing a thumb.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

MzunguMemories: Yup, That Was It

Have you ever had a day where everything seems to be going wrong? A day when you're just too weak and want to give up on the task at had. I have. I have had a lot of them. And honestly, I always hated my weakness, and I'd let it win. Then, Uganda happened, and I didn't just have one of those days, it was a couple of weeks. I lost myself in my weakness, but through Christ and my team, I found my strength. I was up by 3:00 am. I couldn't really sleep anyway, and we had to leave home by 4:00 so I could make it to my 7:30 flight with plenty of time to spare. I got my ticket, checked my bags, and left my tear-filled, worried, and oh so loving mother at security and set off for the gate. I met up with my team in Atlanta and I was both terrified and ecstatic. I was shaking from the adrenaline. It was like one of those moments that your stomach fills with butterflies and you know you can't turn back. There were four of us interns that flew into Atlanta, so we all planned to meet up. I met up with Emily and Lauren, we decided to split up and go find our bags, and Lauren went to pick up Shelby with a wheelchair (Shelby had hurt her foot/ankle/leg a few weeks before we left). I found my bag sitting at a carousel and I thought to myself, wow this is going great. But I thought too soon. I looked at my phone and I had a text from Emily. All it said was SOS. Then my "bag is missing". I made my way over to her baggage area and told her everything was going to be fine. This was even while I was worried we wouldn't find her bag. After talking to the attendants, we decided to just go eat and wait for the later flight, as they said her bag may have been placed on there. So we met up with Lauren and Shelby and made our way to find our last American meal. About the time we were finished, Lauren looked down at my bag and asked me if I had spilled water. I looked down and the side of my bag was soaked. Not with water, but with shampoo. At that point all I could do was laugh and try to wipe it up. After eating, we spilt up again, I went with Emily back to the attendants desk to see if her bag had come in on the later flight. It hadn't. At this point all I could say was that we would be able to share clothes until her bag could arrive and that it would all be figured out. So she gave her information to the attendant at the desk, and we collected what we had and headed over to the international terminal. At the terminal was where I, semi-awkwardly, reunited with the rest of the people I had only briefly met four months ago. I say semi-awkwardly because I literally had no idea who these people were. That might sound absurd, but what I mean is, even through our group messages, and shared excitement, still didn't really know each other. I stood there super awkward with a dumb smile on my face cause I didn't really know what else to say. (I actually look back and laugh because it feels like I've known these people my entire life). Just as we all arrived, Emily got a call from the domestic terminal that they had found her bag! While she headed back to get her bag, we got our boarding passes, and checked our bags and our Sozo bags. We realized some of us didn't have seats at all. So we headed to the gate to get our seat assignments and wait for the flight to Amsterdam. Then right before the flight I got called up to the front desk. They took my ticket and switched my seat. Then, as I was boarding the plane, the system beeped and printed a new ticket. They switched my seat again. I was holding up the line so I started to get a little anxious. I walked onto the plane and I was surrounded by people and seats. All of a sudden my heart started to race, and my hands were shaking. I knew what was coming and as much as I tried to calm myself, I couldn't stop this panic attack. I reached out to Halli and told her I couldn't breathe. I started to panic even more. We finally found my seat, and of course I was next to two unaccompanied minors. Those poor children. I tried my best to breathe but it wasn't working, and the more people who noticed, the worse it got. People were handing me airsickness bags to breathe into, and water bottles after I drank all mine. Tears were falling as I tried to explain how terrible I felt. How this was the last thing I wanted. The flight attendants were so kind and asked if I needed water or anything else. But I feared they would kick me off the plane. As the plane continued to fill, I struggled more and more. Not to mention there was still an open seat next to me and I had no idea who was going to end up there. Fortunately, the man who was suppose to sit there was willing to switch seats with Mason, our summer intern leader. By takeoff, I had mostly calmed down. Mason ended up sitting in an open seat next to Laura so that the seat next to me was open and I had some space. There were four interns behind me, Seth, Emily, Shelby, and Shae. They were so incredible in checking on me and making sure I was doing okay throughout the whole flight. I thought that was over, but on the flight from Amsterdam to Uganda it happened again. This time I was more angry, I couldn't understand why it kept happening. Makayla was sitting across the aisle and held my hand as long as she could. Luckily I was able to fall asleep, and stay asleep for a majority of the flight. I think that the anxiety, excitement and lack of sleep just took a toll on me. We landed in Uganda late at night and by the time we got to our new home, we were all exhausted and ready for sleep. I thought the worst events of this trip were over, and again I thought wrong. We were all just starting to get into our weekly schedule. On Tuesdays we would be having in home work days. So on that first Tuesday, I ended up at House 1 with Bryce, Danielle, Makayla, and one of our leaders Gifford. For a while, I sat upstairs with Danielle and Makayla, and we sorted through new donations of supplies and clothes for the kids. Then Bryce needed help with sponsor crafts so I headed downstairs. The kids would be making bookmarks with their pictures on it for all their sponsors, it was a super cool gift to make, but the bookmarks needed to be cut. So Gifford brought out two of those big paper cutters (you know, the ones that are sort of like guillotines, super sharp, yeah those). He made sure to tell us to be extremely careful, as someone had been cut on these before. So with extreme precision, I cut out a ton of bookmarks, because we needed enough for all of our Sozo kids, most with at least 2-3 sponsors. We did a quick count towards the end and we only needed a few more. So I cut up my last sheets of paper. Then pain shot up my arm. I had no idea how it could've happened. But I looked down, saw the blood, and all I could do was look up and say "Yep, that was it." I sat down, because I started to get dizzy. I thought I had done it. I thought I just became the 2nd person in my family to only have nine whole fingers. I literally thought my thumb was gone, and I couldn't bring myself to look. Bryce and Gifford instantly went into action. As Gifford went to get a bucket, Bryce distracted the kids that were surrounding me. One of the kids went to get Aggie, our main Ugandan Momma. She cleaned up my finger, used sugar to stop the blood and wrapped it up. After resting for a while and eating, I was excited to help the kids work on their bookmarks. For the rest of the day, I tried not to think about my thumb and how it may or may not be there. That night was our first Mzungu(which I realized I haven't explained yet, but that means white person in Uganda) night! We had quesadillas and I was super excited. The mission team came over and we had a great night of fellowship together. When it was time for bed, Laura and Mason said that we should probably change the bandage on my thumb. So I sat down, and as Laura began to unwrap the cotton ball, sugar infused, wrapping, my whole arm began throbbing. The next thing I knew, I heard the word 'clinic' and began to panic. I wanted my mom and dad, I wanted morphine, I didn't want to go to the clinic. I hate going to the doctor in the United States, so throw in the fact that I was in a third world country and you've got a break down waiting to happen. I sat, sick to my stomach, waiting to go to the clinic and tried to calm myself down. When the van finally showed up, I was weak in every sense of the word. They helped me into the van, where I curled up in Laura's lap. Mason and Gifford sat in the back, and each one of them continually told me how nice the clinic was and that I had nothing to worry about, but still I cried. Still I shook in fear. Still I wanted my mom and dad. When we got to the clinic, I was shaking so bad, and so weak that I was carried into the room. From the glimpses of the clinic that I saw, I panicked more. We were definitely not in America. I laid in the bed shaking not knowing what to expect next. The nurse gave me a pain killer, unfortunately, it didn't kick in until later. The whole time the doctor unwrapped and re-wrapped my finger, Laura, Gifford and Mason never left my side. They held my hand, handed me ice packs and kept me as calm as possible. The doctor made me look at my thumb, and to my surprise it was all there, except for some of the nail and a small part of the skin. The nurse kept telling me how strong I was. As I thought more and more, I cried and begged Laura and Mason not to send me home, and was comforted by their laughs and reassurance that I wouldn't be the last intern to visit the clinic. The doctor finished up, prescribed some painkillers (that turned out to be too weak and not the right kind), they gave me a shot to fight infection (the next day I was also prescribed an antibiotic), and they sent us home. As we pulled out of the clinic, the pain meds from earlier finally kicked in, and apparently I was a hoot. Over the next few days, I was one the mend. I was sick and couldn't eat much. We went back to the clinic two more time to get the wrapping changed. To be honest I felt terrible. I always wanted to help people, so stopping, and letting others take care of me was so hard. Laura held my hand at the clinic once again, then she got sick herself. So the next day Rachel, another one of our missionary co-leaders, stayed home with both of us, and brought me to my last clinic visit for my thumb. She made me lunch, made sure I took my meds and held my hand in the clinic. I felt like I was a burden and that I didn't deserve the love and care everyone was giving to me. I laid in my bed and I couldn't understand why this was all happening. The panic attacks, my thumb, it didn't make sense. I felt like I was being told no. But what something I heard a lot, was that the enemy was worried, he knew what all of us could accomplish in the name of God and he was afraid. But it was working, I was feeling weaker and weaker. And what I didn't realize until later, was that God was using my weakness to show me His power. {But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.} -2 Corinthians 10:9 While I thought I was being a burden, and I didn't understand the purpose, Christ was still revealing Himself to me. He was healing me, physically and mentally. He was revealing His power through our stumbles and weakness. Emily's bag was found. The man who willingly traded spots with Mason. The nurse told me I was strong and brave. Rachel taking her own time to care for both Laura and I. My fellow interns helping me anyway they could. These were all examples of Christ showing His power. I think, that as much as Christ would literally like to be right next to us in our toughest times, He sends His love through those around us. My weakness showed me that sometimes, I need those around me to help me and take care of me. Because those people are letting Christ work through them. My team, my leaders, our Sozo staff, and the staff at the clinic all showed and reassured me my weakness was okay. They showed me the power of Christ's love. The same power that rose Jesus from the grave, is a power that lives in each one of us. Being weak is often looked down upon. We look to those who are strong, and powerful to be our leaders. But through the weak, we can see just how God's power is working. Even in our own weakness, we learn what it's like to fully depend on God. To give it all to Christ and let Him, and those around us, make us whole again. This wouldn't be my only weak moments on this trip, but through them I've learned how my weakness gives me strength and helps me to keep pressing on.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

MzunguMemories: Three No’s & a Yes.

My nephew, Huxley, is in this phase where 85% of his answers to things are no.

“Is that your sissy?”

“No.”

“Huck do you want a treat?”

“No.”

We get into phases of saying no, too. It’s easier than yes. If we say no, it ends right there. We don’t have to use any more of our time or energy in whatever it is. But if we say yes, there are sometimes major implications that come along with it, and that is when we get scared. So we say no. Because it’s the easy way out. About a year ago, I almost took that easy out.

I had been going through non-profits in Uganda in early December. I had decided that I wanted to seek out a way to go back. I was excited, but it wasn’t really anything more than a dream. Then I stumbled upon an Instagram photo from Sozo Children in January. It was a couple of days past the deadline for their internship, I was a little discouraged, but clicked on the link and applied anyway. To my surprise it went through! (Shoutout to Allen Nunnally for keeping that link up and running!) A day or two later I got an email requesting my recommendations and I sent them on.

I put it out of my mind until a few weeks later when I got a call from an unknown number. I hit ignore and sent it to voicemail, I thought if it was really that important, they would leave a voicemail. A few minutes later I got the notification of a new voicemail, and was really shocked when I heard a peppy, very southern accent on the other line. I sat against the wall and cried. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, that I had been accepted and there was a spot for me on the intern team should I still want it.

My initial reaction was yes! One thousand times yes. But I figured I should tell my parents, since no one really knew that I had applied. I called my mom and she was over joyed, she knew just how excited I was. Then I called my dad, and like all fathers, his first questions were of safety, and cost. Slowly I felt my excitement change into fear and as the news spread through my family, my yes changed into a no.

I understood their fears and concerns, but I was angry. My heart felt so passionate about this I hadn’t wanted anything this bad in a while. But as they asked where the money would come from, and if it was really worth not working all summer, I started to justify the no. So I sent a message to my family and told them each that I would be turning down the position so they didn’t need to worry anymore. I typed out an email thanking Laura Haley (the peppy, southern accent) and Sozo Children for considering me, but that I would have to turn down the internship. But I couldn’t hit send. So I prayed. Was the no I was hearing coming from fear, or from God saying this just wasn’t where I was supposed to be? I didn’t know what the right choice was. But I knew that I didn’t want to regret saying no.

I typed out another email. This one to my family telling them that I was going to accept the internship, and that I would love to have their support. And of course, I had their unconditional support the entire way. When I finally made the choice to say yes, I felt relief, and my excitement came back, later on it was replaced with more fear. Then, less than a month later, I was on a plane to Birmingham to meet the 14 other interns, two missionaries, two intern leaders and other Sozo staff at a weekend retreat. I was so unbelievably excited. But at this YMCA retreat center was where I felt my second no setting in.

Meeting everyone was not what I had anticipated it to be. Sure, we had talked over group message, trying to get to know each other, but being one of two northerners in a room full of southerners was a bit overwhelming. This meeting that I thought was supposed to make me feel more confident about going to Uganda, only made me fear it more. By the end of the weekend, I left in tears, considering to give up while I was ahead. I talked to Laura before leaving, explaining to her how out of place I felt. I didn’t know how I was ever going to feel a part of a group of people who seem so different from me. She told me how excited they were that I was there, and to go home, unwind, and really think about it. She told me that they would all be praying for me, and if, I really felt like this wasn’t where I was being called, then it would be totally fine if I backed out.

When I finally got back to Fargo I sat for a long time. Was I really being called to serve in Uganda, or was I making it all up in my head? For the second time, I considered hitting send on that email that I had typed out turning down the internship. I thought, it was early enough that saying no now wouldn’t make that big of difference. I know now that was one of the biggest lies I told myself. So I thought back to everything in the beginning, and the back and forth of deciding. I thought of my happiness when I said yes, and my doubts seemed to fade away. Each deadline came, and I had made the goal. People I didn’t even know where supporting me and this journey. How could I say no to that? Then my final thought of no came.

The closer that takeoff got, the more I let the fear take ahold of me. Then one of our guys told us that he would no longer be going because he felt called to stay stateside. It was hard to hear because he was such a joy and fun addition to the team. Then, shortly after that, one of our girls told us a similar thing. Losing her on the team was hard for me, because she was the first person I met, and one of the few that I felt really connected with. Suddenly, saying no looked easy again. I was really scared, but I didn’t really let anyone know that.

I considered saying no two weeks before leaving. Though, now it didn’t seem as easy. At that point, I would be letting down a lot more than just myself. So I sucked it up and I stuck with that first yes. The one that so clearly, and truly rang out in my heart and mind the moment I found out. The yes that would forever change me.

We say no a lot of times. Out of fear, out of anger, and even out of sadness. Saying no helps us hide, and shut out what God is really telling us. Like Jonah saying no to Nineveh, we run away from what God really wants us to do, because we are scared. So instead of ending up the belly of a whale, maybe it would be easier to just say yes from the beginning. Because all it takes is one yes, and God can change everything that we once were.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

Take Courage, When the Road is Long

I’ve been back in the states for three weeks. My clothes are still in boxes and bins, my closet and drawers are empty. Some of those bins are still in the trunk of my car. I think I’ve convinced myself that if I don’t unpack, I’m only here temporarily, that I’m not really home. Most days, I find myself staring at my lock screen on my phone to see the picture of Husna, Araphat and I, looking through pictures on Facebook, or going through my notes from the kids. I can’t bring myself to delete my “TAKE YO MALARIA PILL” alarm on my phone and I still get sick to my stomach sometimes when I’m eating. For the past few weeks, I’ve tried to sum up the past two months, and I haven’t been able to find the words. I’ve sat here staring at this page for countless hours, the little line blinking on an open, white, blank space. And for the first time, I’m admitting to you, and maybe to myself, that is is heartbreakingly difficult to be home. So here I am, trying to muster up all the words I can, trying to understand what I am feeling and still trying to process it all. So this.. This is what I have.

I spent two months in a place that many see as dirty, poor, and broken. But dirty is a relative term, real wealth can’t be measured, and all that is broken can be fixed. Where some might see poverty and sadness, I saw beauty, potential, and joy, and no one can take that away from me, or the 15 other people who stood beside me. In two months, we experienced more then some people may experience in their whole life. And through it all, I saw God’s love and glory in its rawest form. God broke me and, through the people around me, He put me back together. He changed my perception of Him, of His world, and of myself.

He broke me.

Throughout the summer, there were so many times I stopped and thought, ‘What am I doing here?’. I couldn’t see what difference I made being there. In the first few weeks, I wanted nothing more than to go home. There were times when I didn’t feel apart of the group. I didn’t feel heard. Everything that could go wrong, did. Some of the people on this trip saw me at my weakest and most broken, and I was ashamed of that.

I got angry, and I got upset. I couldn’t see my purpose or why God led me to where I was. I couldn’t see why everything kept going wrong. I laid in a clinic bed, with an IV hooked up to my arm, and I broke down. I thought of everything on the trip and in my past. I’d hit a wall. I came to the point where I was truly and utterly broken.

In order to be made new, to grow, sometimes we must fall apart. We must be striped of our old ways and cut out our bad habits and our negative thoughts and start all over again. When we have nothing left of our old self, we learn what it is like to fully and whole-heartedly rely on God. Then we hold on to that, and move forward with our dependence and our eyes on Him.

He changed my perception of Him and His world.

On the last full day, I was standing out on our front porch watching the sunrise, just as I had every other day. As I looked, holding my coffee and standing in the same spot I always had, I saw something I’d never seen before. On the horizon was Lake Victoria, and it was a pretty good size. 62 days had gone by, and I’d never seen it. In that moment, I saw God in all His magnificent, amazing, and wonderful glory. Here was something that was there the whole time, in plain sight, and I had failed to see it. 

In life, there are things that we don’t notice. Maybe because we are too busy, because we choose not to see them, or because it’s so small we deem in insignificant. Then we take a look back, and we see them. The things we were too busy, too blind or too distracted to see before. 

I look back now, and I see, it wasn’t me making a difference, it was the kids and the people making a difference in me, changing me. You walk into one of the Sozo houses, into the village, or SundayFunday field day, and you see smiles, kids running around and you hear laughter and jokes. Then you hear their stories, where they came from, who they were before, what they’ve gone through. The initial reaction is to feel sad to hurt for them. But when you see their joy, their love, their happiness, you know that it’s nothing but the grace of God.

God loves us. So much that He sent His only Son to die for us. This is His world, we merely inhabit it, and take care of it the best we can. We see His children, praising and worshiping Him. We can choose to see the sadness and destruction in our world, or we can choose to see God’s love and the way He is being glorified by the hearts and minds He is changing.

God is doing big things in our lives, even when it seems that we are alone, He is changing us, He is changing our world, His world. He sets a path ahead of us, and we follow it the best we can. He is writing a story, setting the stage, painting a picture, guiding our path. 

He changed my perception of myself and put me back together. 

Life is ever changing. Like the departure time from House3, the program on land days, or the work to be done at JaaJaa’s house. We go through natural, but sometimes abrupt changes. Some changes are expected like when the leaves change color in the fall, or when it’s finally time to leave a place that has become home. Some changes are unexpected and sudden, like a change in perception.

We go through seasons in our lives. Literally and metaphorically. We have our literal seasons; fall, winter, spring, summer, and we have our metaphorical seasons. Seasons of change, of heartbreak, of love, of becoming.

Before leaving for Uganda, I didn’t really know who I was. I was lost and confused. There were a lot of things that I had never really faced. I didn’t really like who I was and what I’d become. I hated what I saw. But that changed. 

Through the kids in the village, I experienced sharing God’s love without any words or conversations. From the house kids, I saw how I could be a role model to children of faith and show them what it means to serve God and love our brothers&sisters. Our aunties&uncles showed me the difference I can make by being selfless and acting as God’s hands&feet. And in my team, I saw the person I could be, the person that God has made me to be. They showed me things I never saw in myself. They showed me my determination, my passion, and the love I have for others.

I may not be completely whole and pieced back together, but God has shown me just who I am and who I can be. He has filled a space in my heart and made me new. He has shown me new possibilities and opened up new doors for me. He has given me my potential, and He did it all through a child’s laughter, a teammates sacrifice, an aunties determination, or a leaders protectiveness.

I have been made new. I am His servant. The hands&feet. A voice to the nations.

  I am, a child of God.

To say I walked away from this summer unchanged would be a lie. I learned things about myself and about God that have changed my whole perspective. I’m back home, in a new season of life, adjusting the best that I can, and not for one second, forgetting what I experienced. 

God knew long before I did that this is the road I would be on. He knows every bump, detour and stop I will make. Is it hard being home? Yeah. Do I miss Uganda and my team? Everyday. But I know, in this moment, no matter how much it hurts, or how much I don’t want to be here, I’m right where God wants me to be. 

Over this summer I learned that, sometimes, it feels like we have already traveled a great distance, but the road still seems so long. It seems like the direction keeps changing and we get lost. We feel alone, broken, and ready to give up. So we look back, and see all that we’ve overcome, how we’ve changed and how it made us stronger. Then we know that, whatever is on the road ahead, we will be able to handle it, because we are never alone.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

Mixed

A week from today I will be landing back in the United States and saying my final goodbyes to my team, with a summer full of stories behind me and an unknown path ahead of me. And I’ll be honest, right now I’m a jumble of emotions. It’s hard to believe that in a week and a half, I’ll be home. It’s hard to believe how fast this summer has gone, and I would be lying if I said it was a piece of cake.  I think back to week two and how I thought I was never going to make it through this summer. I think about how I felt so alone, even when I was surrounded by people. I’m reminded of the tears I cried to my family group as I admitted to them there was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to go home. And I think to myself, ‘Look how far you’ve come. Look at where you are now.’ Slowly and then all at once I fell in love with this place and these people, even with all the bumps in the road {figuratively and literally}.

But part of me, however big or small, is dying to be home and is excited to see my family and friends. I don’t want to have to say goodbye, I don’t want to have to leave my team that has become my family. I’m going to miss waking up surrounded by community and mopping the hall. But no matter how excited I am to go home, I’m also scared. Because I can tell people funny stories of how Mama likes her dishes washed, but I can’t explain the look she gives you and her Luganda mumbling under her breath. I can try to explain Jam and how you better make sure your phone is charged and you have a book that will last at least an hour, but no one will know the feeling of the sun beating down, while siting in the middle of a road with the van turned off. There are so many stories I can tell, but unless you were there, you won’t really be able to understand. So you see my predicament. I’m trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings piece by piece. I’m trying to decide what my feelings are and where I’m at.

I have had an absolutely amazing time and everyone here has changed me and who I am. God truly is doing amazing things here. He is changing perspectives, He is changing hearts. Which makes leaving one of the hardest things I will do.

I have so many mixed emotions, but no matter where I go, God will be changing things and working through me and in me. It may hurt and tear me apart to leave, and I may be excited while also scared to go home, but that shouldn’t stop me from enjoying every last second I have here.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

#ThatInternLife

It's hard to believe that we've already hit our halfway point. There's no way to describe how unreal that feels. I can't tell you exactly how God is changing me, I can't explain the love I have for this place and I can't put into words how much my team, our leaders, the kids, aunties and uncles mean to me, but I can give you a little glimpse of what this first month has been like. Being completely overwhelmed when meeting and trying to remember the names of each Sozo kid. Having one arm tanner than the other because of sitting in the same seat every van ride. Feet covered completely in red mud after a complete down pour in the village. Watching the sunrise over the compound and being completely in awe of God's creation. That bittersweet feeling when we go see our family in the village and Sarah and James aren't there, but at school because they could afford the fees that day. Severing (as Emily would say) my thumb on a paper cutter, after Gifford told us to be careful, then turning to him and Bryce and saying, "Oh, that was it." Laughing hysterically with Gifford, Laura and Mason on our way home from the clinic. #Engage Hanging on for dear life when riding on the dirt roads (or any road) Wearing sunglasses not because it is sunny, but because it's dusty. Methodically planning out team GoPro pics. Struggling to get AirDrop to work so we can all share pictures from the day. Finding new ways to experience rice and beans. Being greeted with a cheesy grin from Husna at Sunday field day. Trekking out into the "bush" at family2family with Rachel, Danielle, Shae and Emily, getting dirty while digging potatoes and proving we aren't just #WhiteGirls Seemingly endless Taylor Swift jam session with the girls, that sometimes drives the boys crazy. Laughing as the kids pull Shae out to Rachel and Gilbert waiting with buckets of water on her birthday. Clutching onto Rachel's hand as Dr.Collins changes my bandage for the last time. Listening to the kids sing their hearts out, most times off key, each night at devotion and praising God with all they have. Getting Stephen to smile for the first time and feeling completely overjoyed. Claiming we are "mugandan" as we eat mangos like apples. Spending time with Victo while we work on her homework, even if that's the last thing she wants to be doing. "Good morning. How'd y'all sleep?" *crickets* Finishing a jar of Nutella in less than 12 hours with the other girl interns because we are #chocoholics Sitting for a couple of hours in the van when we get stuck in evening Kampala traffic. #QuadSquad Sneaking extra pieces of chapat(tortilla like bread thing) at house 4 Having too many conversations about American food and the greatness of Chic-Fil-A and cinnamon rolls. Celebrating Danielle's birthday at house 2 with Giff & The Gals. Getting a smile and a wave from Uncle Timothy as he holds the gate open for us each night when we return home. Mango smoothies from Cafe Marie after a 2 hour service at Watoto. Laughing so hard it hurts about anything and everything. Cringing and hanging onto Rachel as Nurse Charles put in my IV. Two words: Hibachi. Night. Wholeheartedly worshipping with my team as we hear Bryce sing angelically and speak words of truth, love and grace. Sneaking "secret Nutella" with Shae, Emily and Danielle while we giggle and share about our day. Purposefully standing in the sunlight while desperately trying to get that perfect Chaco tan. Learning from Auntie Remah how to peel and make matoke (potato like banana dish) Learning from Abbie exactly how to barter at a Ugandan craft market to make sure we get the best price. Actually contemplating buying the Gnuts off the side of the road after getting really hungry during a traffic jam. Debating if the street Rolex (chapat with eggs) is worth it and then rejoicing when it turns out to be amazing. Bonding with Seth and Auntie Remah over an Amish movie we found on the tv. Learning how to roll chapat for the first time from the one and only Mama. Taking a risk on holding my phone out to get a selfie with Halli on our boda ride. #WorthIt Dodging falling tree limbs as our driver Paul cuts down branches at Jaja Magdaline's house. Halfway killing a chicken but then being too weak to actually cut off its head. Playing Heads Up with Bryce, Abbie and Emily and taking #classic self-timer pics. Sharing a giant piece of chocolate cake with Danielle for her birthday on our off day. Excitedly explaining every aspect of the Sozo Kids and Ugandan life with mission team members. Eating so much mash and peas that I was pretty sure I wasn't going to eat for 3 days. Watching 2 year old Joel causally slice sweet potatoes with a giant knife. Pizza eating contests that the boys always win without even trying. Feeding the beasts with Shae. Growing closer with my selfless, caring, amazing, servant-minded, Christ centered team members and leaders. Voting on which picture someone will post when they get their 30 minute wifi time. Discussing how much we absolutely miss wearing shorts outside of our rooms. The never ending debate of how to pronounce bag. #NorthernerProbs Wishing Momma Rib would fly back to Uganda. Sharing Tums, band aids, candy, snacks, clothes, bibles and anything else because we're a family. Being perpetually sweaty, dirty and smelly and not even caring about it. Falling more in love with Uganda and the people here. Never wanting to leave. It's been a month, and we have a month left. I know that when it comes I will be forever changed and my heart will be breaking. Thank you for all your love, support and prayers!

[the-two-roads-diverged]

Finding Unspeakable Joy

It's hard to believe that we are in our 4th week here. It seems like only yesterday that I was boarding my plane at MSP for ATL to meet up with my team. So much has happened since then and God is changing my heart in ways I'd never imagined. Here's the thing though (honesty circle time from me) It hasn't been easy. I've been kicked down, beaten, chewed up and spit out by the enemy. To be perfectly honest, I've felt as if I've been knee deep in mud struggling to pick my foot up and take the next step. Some of the time, it's just been feelings of not belonging, personal insecurities or something telling me that I wasn't suppose to be here in Uganda. Other times I've felt physically stopped, like a panic attack on the plane or the pain from cutting my thumb. I know, I haven't been myself and I just haven't known how to change that. But through it all, God continues to change who I am. My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-3 Nothing but joy. Wait a second James, you're telling me that when I'm struggling to breathe and feel like running off the plane, I'm suppose to consider it joyous? Haha yeah okay. But James is right. When our faith is tested we should be joyous and persevere. Because whether we know it or not, we become stronger. We come out of the furnace (as Auntie Rehma would say) just as God wants us too. We build that endurance and our faith becomes stronger, and to tie into my last post, we add to our story. Now, as I write this, even I know that it is going to take a lot of changing for me to be joyous when I'm tested. Let's be honest, I'm writing this purely to help convince myself to be joyous. Yes, I'm a broken, insecure, and hardheaded human. A million people could tell me how much I'm worth and what good I'm doing, but I still won't feel it until I can believe it myself. And I know that on this trip, there are still going to be hardships that make me feel like I'm not suppose to be here. There will be days when I want to completely give up and get on the next flight home. But these are the days I will try to greet with joy, because I know that I will come out stronger and have a better understanding of God's plans for me. When we live with unspeakable, undignified joy, we praise the one who was and is and is to come. We share His love when others see our strength. So no.. This trip hasn't been easy. It's been hard, breaking me down and exhausting my mind, body and soul. But I will still have an joy so unspeakable, because through the trials, God will be glorified, because He has something way bigger in store.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

The Greatest Author of All

At the beginning of our second week here in Uganda, a group of us had started talking about past interns and the stories they left behind. As we talked about the crazy, odd and intimidating stories, some of us started joking and wondering what our intern story would be... What would future interns be hearing about us? Little did I know that the next day I would become "that intern" that cut off part of her nail, reshaped her thumb and that's why interns probably can't use the paper cutter anymore. We all have stories. Stories of scars, stories of heartbreak, stories of triumph... We have funny stories, sad stories and scary stories. And we love sharing and hearing these stories. Even Jesus used stories (parables) in His teachings. And all of this made me start to wonder, what is the story I will leave behind when I go to be with the Father in heaven? Am I writing a story that will glorify Him? I figured that my life has been kind of boring so far and not one that would constitute legendary stories. I began to think of how I could start to rewrite my story... What could I do that would make this more interesting and maybe more fun for people to hear. That's when I realized, I'm not writing this story, God is. We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8:28 (NLT) God has plans far bigger than we could ever imagine. He is conducting a great symphony to make a beautiful song that will glorify Him. He is writing us each our own story. Even if we don't always notice it, and we think that we have made our own choices, God has directed us down the path He wants us to go on. He leads us to our purpose, and causes all things to work together for us. The places we go, people we meet, the struggles and triumphs we face, these are all things that God has pieced together so that He may write a grander story. Being here in Uganda, meeting so many different people, cutting my thumb, experiencing a Ugandan clinic, helping with homework, doing dishes while jamming to TSwift, rolling chapat, riding bodas, sleeping in until 8:30am, picking peas with a family who speaks little English, being covered in mud, dirt, whatever else I've wiped on my pants that day and even pee... All of these things are part of a bigger story. They happen for a reason. A small conversation that may seem insignificant could be a turning point for someone. Helping with a chore can show someone God's love. Sharing a meal can change someone's perspective. Each and everyday we are being called, without even realizing it. We are all called to different things. Some may be called to mothers to 8 children who will grow up in a house dedicated to Christ. Some are called to spend their lives traveling and being servants to those who may not know God's love. Some may work in a corporate job, where they may end up influencing others when they share their beliefs. Other will be pastors, counselors, or even photographers who capture Gods beautiful creations. Each of us with different stories that God continues to write for us. One day, we will look back and see the impact of our stories. We will see how, even if we didn't notice it in the moment, we glorified God. We will see how He worked in our lives and the stories we have and shared that have brought others peace, love and understanding. We will see our story connect to others and become part of a greater more amazing story than ever imaginable. I may not be the next Harry Potter, Katniss Everdeen or Hazel Grace, but a great story is being written for me and I will embrace every chapter. ____________________________________ So far Uganda has been so amazing. Each and everyday I am blown away by my team, our leaders, and our aunties and uncles who so gracefully and humbly serve the Lord. I see God each and everyday through those I'm surrounded by and their actions. Even our kids have such big hearts and to see them each night singing, dancing, drumming and praising the Lord fills my heart with such joy. Though it hasn't been a smooth ride, I am so excited and blessed to be right where I am. Each day may have a new struggle (big or small), but God continues to surprise me with how He is changing my heart. It's hard to believe that 2 weeks have already come and gone. I'm still trying process everything and learn all the kids names and personalities and even learn how to do some chores the right way. I love going into the village and praising God with kids at Kids Club. Love knows no borders, even language, and though the kids may not always understand us, we still have the chance to love on them and let them show us Christ through their ever smiling faces. Even having a chance each week to go to the new Sozo land is a blessing. We are helping to get the land ready and plant crops. It's so exciting to be apart of something so much bigger and to be on the ground floor of a project that will bring so much glory to God. We also have the chance to help build a home for a jaajaa(grandmother) who does not have a home of her own. The days are long, and most are exhausting. But God is working here and it's something incredible to see. I'm so excited to see what the rest of the summer holds. Faithfully His, Alex

[the-two-roads-diverged]

Seasons Change

You know that moment where you're faced with the truth that yesterday is gone, and you have a new tomorrow to look forward too? Or that moment when you're reading a really good chapter of a book and it's just so perfect you want to read it over and over because you don't know how it could get better. Sometimes it's a painful and difficult moment. It's that awkward time in between the seasons, it's not really winter, but it's not really spring. That's the place I've found myself lately, and I've had to face some truths I've been denying. 

Truth 1: I'm not going back to camp this summer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm over joyed and so impatiently waiting for Uganda. I am so excited for the people who God has already put in my life through my team members, and also those I will meet when I am in Uganda. But leaving camp is a lot harder than I thought. The land around Lake Morgan has became more than just dirt to me. It became home, a safe haven, my little piece of heaven on Earth. I've found comfort by walking the trails and sitting in the chapel. I've stayed up way too late and been woken up by the sound of deer right by our campout site. I found support and love too. My camp family has had my back the last 2 years, through thick and thin. And now, I just won't be there this summer.

Truth 2: Sometimes, two people just don't work together.

I'm no stranger to heartbreak. But lately I've had to face the truth that I never really got over an ex of mine. I've become so stuck in the past, thinking of what had been. Thinking only of the good times, instead of the bad. I've been stuck thinking maybe it could be fixed, maybe it would work if I tried a little harder. I think about the fun times, the happy times. How it all just seemed to work, for the most part. And now, he just has someone new.

Truth 3. The truth that encompasses any other: No matter how hard I try to stop it, life will keep moving forward.

Those closest to me know that I usually don't take change very well. When I find people and places that I love and I'm so happy around, it's almost like I assume that everything will stay that way, and nothing will change. But things always change. The world keeps spinning. I get so comfortable with the same everyday thing, and now I've had to start thinking about my future and my life after NDSU.  But yet I still find myself trying to slow it down or deny that things will change.

But God doesn't want us to get stuck in the past and what has been.

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." -Isaiah 43:18-19

God is making all things new. Each and everyday things are changing. He doesn't want us to become consumed and absorbed with our past because that is old! It's gone. He is doing a new thing. Something new that is glorious and will be even better than the old. A new pathway in the wilderness so we might not get lost.. A new river in a desert so that we may drink and be refreshed.

Sometimes we say goodbye to the places we call home, only to find another more beautiful place. We move on towards new adventures, and meet new kids and friends. But we can always go back to the other places too. 

Sometimes loving someone means letting them be happy, even if it's not with you. It doesn't mean we stop loving them or that we weren't good enough, it just means we realize that we love them and want them to be happy. That doesn't mean it won’t hurt, and we won’t feel that pain, but it will be okay, and we'll be happy too.

Sometimes life changes. We move. We get our hearts broken. We lose friends. But we also find new places. We find new love. We make new friends. Just like the seasons changing, life changes too. And if we get stuck in the past, only looking at the old, we will miss the new right in front of us.

I've been scared to turn my page for a while now. I'm afraid of letting go of such an amazing chapter. I'm hurting to think of losing that past. But I know God has something amazing waiting on the pages and chapters to come. So I'll turn the page, and live out my journey and His story for me. I know it might sting, but those memories of the old chapters will never be far, and I know I'll always hold them close. For now, its time to keep going and find a new favorite chapter.

[the-two-roads-diverged]

Bugumikiriza-Patience

"You just need to be a little more patient please."

I find myself saying that phrase so much to the little ones at the after school program I work at. This is also usually when I have to remind my myself to be a little more patient with them and their seemingly endless questions. And lately I've been hearing this phrase too.

I keep on thinking about all that I have to wait for, and I become so, so impatient. I start to act like one of my little 1st graders who keep asking when they get computer time. I think about how I have to wait to go to Uganda, I have to wait to graduate, I have to wait for the 'right one', I have to wait to move to Colorado. And it can be so hard to be patient and to wait. But that is what we are told to do.

You must be willing to wait without giving up. After you have done what God wants you to do, God will give you what He promised you. Hebrews 10:36 (NLV)

God has been nudging me telling me that I need to be a little more patient. This is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, because I am always looking forward to things I could be or will be doing. But all of this reminds me of my first trip to Uganda.

One of the most common phrases that our leader, Becca Gardner, had to keep reminding us of was "hurry up and wait". In Africa, people go with the flow. They are in no rush, and do things as they come up. So it took some adjusting for me to be late to something, or to wait around to start. But no one was ever angry we were late, or frustrated that we changed their schedule. They graciously and excitedly welcomed us. And our days still kept moving. So now, I can hear God telling me to "hurry up and wait" and that I need a little more patience. And I've realized, when I am patient, that amazing things will happen.

While I have my plans and want them to happen now, God has His plans too, and I just have to wait a little bit longer. Because in the waiting God is still working. I learn new things or have new opportunities to show Christ's love right where I am while I wait, and when I am impatient and look forward too far, I miss what is right in front of me. 

So, while I am so excited to leave for Uganda in less than THREE MONTHS (woah), I will be patient. I will experience what is here and now. I will live my life as He lays it out in front of me. I will "hurry up and wait" because amazing things are happening.

Joyfully His, 

Alex

Keep checking back to follow me on ALL of my adventures!

If you are feeling led to support me on my journey to Uganda, follow this link: www.sozochildren.org/interns2015 and click on "Support Alex"

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Enjoy the Ride

In less than 8 hours I will be meeting and spending the weekend with the people who I will spend June and July with in Uganda. This is like the first big step leading up to June 1st, when we board the plane in Atlanta. And here I am, sitting here with a goofy smile on my face. Some people might think it's because of this Caribou smoothie I have, others might think it's the music I'm listening to. But this smile is here because of my overwhelming joy. I'm excited to meet my team, I'm happy to be flying (because I love it!), but most of all, I'm so amazed at God's faithfulness.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness Lamentations 3:22-23

In my life, sometimes I feel like I have no idea where I am going. I've doubted myself in college, I've felt like giving up. Sometimes I get so lost. Things may not be working out, I may not know what I am doing with my life. And even when I feel like things may not work, they always fall together. I may be nervous, and sometimes I may question where God is leading me. But I follow, and know that He will provide. 

This internship for example. I felt like I was stepping off a ledge, bungee jumping into the unknown when I accepted. I was scared, and I'll admit, I felt doubt that I would be unable to meet the deadlines, and finances. But already, in the past 2 1/2 weeks I have been blown away! I could never thank my supporters enough for how far they have already brought me. But more than that, I am so blessed to have a God above who will lead me and provide for me, because He is faithful.

I'm so lucky to have so many following and supporting me on this journey already! There is still a road ahead, and I have no doubt that there will be bumps, but I know God will continue to provide. So I guess I'll just continue to enjoy the ride and know that God will keep leading me. I'd rather be watching the things out the window then driving anyway.

I hope you continue to follow me on this journey!!

Follow the link below to read more about what I will be doing in Uganda, as well as if you feel led to donate and support me on my adventure!

https://www.z2systems.com/np/clients/sozochildren/campaign.jsp?campaign=89&fundraiser=44775&  

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Live.Love.Share.Be

At camp we have so many different songs we sing. Songs about God's love, about crushing Satan, and about praising God. My favorite song, by far, is Live Christ. It goes something like this:

Live Christ. Love Christ. Share Christ. Be Christ.

All these things, do today. All these things, along your way.

You keep repeating that, and replace Christ each time with the words, peace, hope, and love. Then you go back to singing Christ, a capella. It truly is beautiful. The words and message of this song are especially meaningful, because they are the words I try to live my life by. Each of us is called to be the hands and feet of Christ, to go out into the world and Live Christ, love Christ, share Christ and be Christ. 

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]”

28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

30 In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

-Luke 10:25-37 (ESV)

Christ lived His life in such a way that He glorified His Father in Heaven. He showed us and told us how to live a life that would give glory to God. He loved all whom He encountered in His days and helped the weak and the lowly. And that is exactly what He calls us to do. He wants us to follow in His footsteps and care for those around us. The weak and the lowly, the rich and the happy, the wrong and the broken. Each and every person around us, no matter their circumstance, is someone we can love and show Christ's love to. 

God has led me to many different places in the last few years, and I have graciously and excitedly answered those calls. And lately something big has been on my heart. 

It is no secret to my friends and family that when I left Uganda after 16 days, I left a part of me on those red dirt roads. As I look through my pictures from our trip, I get so excited, my heart aches to go back, and I know that is God talking to me. I met so many wonderful and amazing people who would give what they could to me, a mzungu, even if they had nothing. Even with nothing, they still praised God above for everything. The kids wanted to play, which meant climbing on me, playing with my long blonde hair that was so foreign to them, and just being loved on. Leaving that place, hurt, and I knew one day I would return. So after a lot of prayer, it is with great joy, excitement, and nerves that I make an announcement.

I have accepted a non-profit internship for 2 full months this summer (Yes June 1st-August 3 eeek!) with Sozo Children and their houses in Uganda. I get to live in Uganda with my team of fellow interns, and get to see and work behind the scenes of a non-profit with orphans and families around our houses! I am so excited and beyond blessed to have this opportunity. As I sit here and start to think about it, I feel overjoyed, but I also feel nerves and butterflies.

A whole summer in Uganda for an unpaid internship is a big step, and a big cost (A little over $5,300 to be exact). I know, though, that God has led me here for a reason, and will continue to provide and lead me. This post may not reach a lot of people, but to those of you who it does reach, I ask for your prayers and thoughts as I begin this journey. I know this will require a lot of work, strength, and the support of those around me. So I ask you to join me in this journey and pray that God's plan will continue to be relieved.

2015 is the year that I will follow where God leads. I will live, love, share, and be Christ, love, peace and hope to those around me, near and far. 

I hope you will join me.

If you wish to help me financially with my trip, I ask you to visit the link below! Everything counts, even if that is just prayers for me and my team! 

https://www.z2systems.com/np/clients/sozochildren/campaign.jsp?campaign=89&fundraiser=44775&team=139&

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  4 Show me your ways, Lord,     teach me your paths. 5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,     for you are God my Savior,     and my hope is in you all day long.

-Psalm 25:4-5 (NIV)

 Here is to 2015. I pray that God's path for me is made clear and that I follow the road that is less traveled, even though it may not be as glamorous and smooth as other paths. 

You lead Lord, and my feet will follow. 

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Lighting up the Darkness

Depression.

Its a word that some people hesitate using. I think sometimes it make people uncomfortable too. The CDC says that an estimated 1 in 10 adults in the U.S. has depression, and you might not know that the person next to you is fighting a battle within themselves.

Take me for instance. You ask people about me and some of the answers you might get are: bubbly, funny, sweet, snorts when she laughs, sarcastic, amazingly awesome dance moves;) the list goes on... But I bet few of those people would say depressed. Hate to break it to you, but I am that 1 in 10. I've struggled with depression and anxiety since high school. It has never really gone away, I've just learned to manage it. 

Some days, its a battle just to get out of bed, and with my anxiety, sometimes even a group of two people overwhelms me and I sigh because I'm trying to keep my breathing in check (this sometimes makes people think I am annoyed or upset). I've gotten panic attacks at the worst of times, and I've missed class because I couldn't get out of bed. Other days I cry when I drop something on the ground, when I can't open a can or sealed bag, and sometimes, its for no reason at all. But a lot of the time, I just try to put on a smile and "fake it 'til I make it."

"Why are you so emotional?"

"Just get over it.."

"Can't you just stop?" 

"What's wrong with you?"

"Just stop crying."

These are all things I've heard... Mostly from people who don't know that I can only do so much to control it, and sometimes I hear it from the people closest too me. These words hurt, but I don't blame these people, because they only know so much. The truth is, I giggle, laugh, tell cheesy jokes, and use sarcasm as a type of wall.. To keep people out, so that they don't know what I am really dealing with because, for a long time, I've been ashamed of my depression. I've felt that it made me less of a person, or that it made me not good enough. I didn't want people to see me in my weakness or know me in my darkness. 

But the truth is, we all go through times when all seems dark. In some way, big or small, we are all broken. Imperfect. Flawed. We feel like we can't keep going. That the darkness is too much. We feel weak and worthless. We all build up walls, and fight alone. But we never have to do it alone.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

God wants us to depend on Him. He doesn't expect us to go it alone. God is more powerful than we can ever imagine, and He wants to take our burdens so that we may have rest. That is something that truly blows my mind. The God who created the heavens and earth, who is so powerful and almighty wants to take my burdens. He doesn't want me to have to struggle with them. 

He wants to, and will be there for us in the good times, and the bad. Ready to pick us up when we fall, or cheer us on when we need encouragement. He doesn't want us to be hurting and burdened. I mean He sent His ONLY Son so that we may live an eternal life without being dead in our sins! He LOVES us, and wants us to depend on Him in everything.

God wants nothing more then to give me, and you, rest. It is something I think we all have a hard time accepting. I know for a long time I blamed God for my struggles, for my burdens. But He is the one taking them upon Himself so that I may live and rest.  

My depression has had a control over me and, at times, has made me weak, but through Christ, I find my rest. I find a light in the darkness. 

I know life isn't simple. Its hard, scary, sad and dark at times. But it is also amazing, beautiful, lively, bright, exciting, crazy, fun, lovely, and an adventure. I hope in sharing my little piece of darkness, that you are brought light. I hope everyone can see that even in the darkest of times, God will be our light, our hope, and our rest. 

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Try

Before you read watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

The media tells us what's pretty and ugly, skinny and fat, and normal and "crazy". We see celebrities wear the best fashions, and even when they're outfits are unique, we see them criticized. People are ridiculed for their weight, their hair styles, even the clothes they wear. But how does the media know what is beautiful?

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with the way I look and who I am. My hair has a weird cowlick that makes it impossible to try anything with my hair. Before braces, I wouldn't smile in pictures because I was ashamed of my teeth. I still look back at pictures from middle school and shake my head at the way I looked. My face always breaks out at the worst times. I snort when I laugh (even at really stupid and cheesy jokes), and sometimes I have panic attacks and cry for no reason. I make mistakes, and say the wrong things at the wrong time.

Throughout these past two years of college the same thoughts have run through my mind, only because I am older, they seem to have more control. I've worried about how I've looked compared to my friends, or if my boyfriend liked me less when I was in sweatpants with no makeup. I have held back laughter, so my snort wouldn't be made fun of, and working out a little more because I ate too much. I freak out if I'm not standing up straight in pictures, because otherwise my back looks weird. These past years I've even found myself thinking absurdly like not being pretty or good enough for someone I thought should only have "pretty" friends like a football player, or thinking that the people who came into work thought that I was sick or ugly because I didn't put on makeup on. This list, it goes on and on... And I won't lie to you, these things run through my head because sometimes, I look in the mirror and hate what I see.  

But hating what I see and who I am, that is hating something that God created. That is saying that God didn't do a good enough job, that the maker of the Heavens and Earth messed up when He created me. 

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27 (ESV)

I think we all find ourselves trying hard just to belong, to fit in. Trying to be skinny, beautiful, normal... But we don't have to try. Because God made us exactly how we are suppose to be. He gave me my silly snort, my crazy cowlick in my poofy, curly hair, and He created me in His image. I look at the beauty in sunsets and sunrises, the power in thunderstorms, and the strength of the waves against a shore, and I am so amazed that the God who created these awe-inspiring things, created me too. 

It isn't easy to stop criticizing ourselves, I know because I've tried before, but God made us exactly how He meant too. He made us unique. He made us beautiful. No, we aren't perfect. We are flawed and make mistakes. But God loves us exactly the way we are, no matter what! So from now instead of trying to be perfect, I'm going to try and look at myself the way I see sunsets, or the way I see a flower blooming. Because I am just as beautiful as those things, and so are you.