We report on the wizards

Yeah so the Wizard Part won the election and we are going to cover it I guess? Listen we don't know what is happening either.

[the-wizard-daily]

Hello! I am the Wizard Daily Social Media Promoter! We cover the things those Wizards that control the US government do!

Wizard news will be tagged as #wizard news, non wizard news will be tagged as #not the wizards

[the-wizard-daily]

News breaking now: the minister for Small Statues of Birds has been assassinated. They were killed by a blast of powerful magic. They died instantly and painlessly. The WizBI suspects rampant clown gangs to be the perpetrators.

[animentality]

[the-wizard-daily]

This mind is strong, will not succumb to mold. A powerful soldier against the coming fungal invasion. Fools like Rowling will die first

[mold-wizard]

Okay, so it's dissection if you cut apart a dead body to look inside; it's vivisection if it's a living body; but what do you call it if it's undead?

Asking for a friend.

[the-wizard-daily]

Misinformation is running rampant about this topic and has been for a long time now, so it is important that our viewers know the TRUTH!

Legally, it is a dissection

Morality wise, we don't know but you can watch the debate live now

[the-wizard-daily]

Hey. My time machine got snagged in your anti-chrono-dilation field on the top spire of the news station, and now I am repeatedly crashing into it. I'd usually fix it myself, but i only know tech-time, not arcane-time, and i dont actually want to destroy your chrono-sphere/space time fabric. Can I get an assist? - @time-traveler-that-fucked-up

*very quietly because time was made illegal by the Wizard committee*

Purchase one of our patented machine-repair wands. It has a heavy head for whacking things. Give your machine a good smack and you'll be fine

[the-wizard-daily]

‎

It seems the ghosts have gotten into our station inbox!

IN OTHER NEWS

Larbgarhg the IIV has been anointed minister of clown slaughter in response to recent riots across the country

[mold-wizard]

I keep getting all these invitations in the mail urging me to join this evil wizard social club, and, eh, two issues.

First, I don't really think of myself as evil. More... charmingly amoral.

Second, even if I wanted to join, the club dues are really steep. Where the hell am I supposed to get that many orphan souls every month?

[the-wizard-daily]

Purchase a second hand orphan summoner off of the WizardPlaceTM

[mold-wizard]

Wizard Protip: When you are drunk, putting a magic mouth on your wall that shouts obscenities at you every time you pass by it may seem hilarious. It will seem much less hilarious when you are sober.

[the-wizard-daily]

Had one of these in the office but it gave you awful inspirational quotes. Pretty sure Greg tore out its teeth one by one then used them to make a charm of power. Oh and then he smote it with the wrath of every God in grade 10 magic school

[mold-wizard]

One pro of having a living wizard tower: I can play chess with it.

One con: It's really bad at it. Seriously, it fell for the frikkin' scholar's mate?

[the-wizard-daily]

You gotta feed it more chess pieces my guy

[mold-wizard]

Yeah, uh... my wizard tower doesn't eat chess pieces.

Actually, I'm not sure what it eats. It's alive, so I guess it probably must eat something, but I hadn't really thought about it. The slime that was used to make it I think originally ate... pretty much anything organic, but my wizard tower usually stays in one place and doesn't actively hunt for food, so... I guess either it's passively feeding on random lichens and stuff that grow on it, or it's sustained by magic and doesn't need to eat anymore.

Huh. Actually now I'm kind of curious.

[mold-wizard]

Okay, I'm starting to think now maybe I should be feeding my wizard tower better, so I just bought it two dozen pizzas.

[mold-wizard]

Hm, I'm not... not actually sure how to feed these pizzas to my wizard tower. When I made my wizard tower out of that slime, I compressed and solidified it, so it can't just absorb things like it could when it was still a slime, and it doesn't really have a mouth... I think maybe I should have thought this through a little more.

Eh, I'll just teleport the pizza into the wall.

[the-wizard-daily]

Trust me dude, towers are hungry boys

[mold-wizard]

One pro of having a living wizard tower: I can play chess with it.

One con: It's really bad at it. Seriously, it fell for the frikkin' scholar's mate?

[the-wizard-daily]

You gotta feed it more chess pieces my guy

[tiny-wizard]

i cast a really tiny fireball and it didnt do fucking anything

[tiny-wizard]

i miss my wife so bad

[tiny-wizard]

"ohh you can toast my toast" "haha thanks for lighting my cigarette"

i am trying to kill people

[wizard-council-museum-clerk]

Every wizard knows that the size of your fireball depends on the size of your heart!

...Which, now that I'm saying it aloud, might be literal rather than an inspiring metaphor.

Hm.

[the-wizard-daily]

Alright get the pickle jars out it's surgery time

[the-wizard-daily]

And in recent news, President Schubert is launching the world's first 'teach our youth how to make a homunculus in the microwave' association. The project aims to develop youth conciousness on the importance of homunculi and the ability to make them.

[the-wizard-daily]

Gluten is now illegal, and possibly filled with radiation. This is because President Schubert has just gone to the doctor and apparently has an allergy.

[aieroartstudios-deactivated2026]

💕💜⭐️

[the-wizard-daily]

The Entity hath awoken.

[the-wizard-daily]

Welcome to the first instalment of potions with patriguez! Today we are making;

Potion of Potato

First, you're going to need a Beaker Or Liquid Holder Of Some Description, a potato, a liquidation sigil, a growth spell or fertiliser, and some dirt

Make liquid potato, fill your Container of Some Variation with dirt, add potato, cast growth or mix in fertiliser.

Put some of this where you want potatoes to grow [even enemies bodies!]

[the-wizard-daily]

Guys the orb isn't working? I tried to cast an airstrike on the news agent next door and it didn't work? Also I sent an OrbMail to Tiffany in Marketing and it just says 'NecroJim is too close. Orb access denied." What do I do???????

[optera-the-foolish]

I would phase-shift NecroJim to the astral plane for a minute so you could use the fancy orb. Problem is that time runs 4.32x10^5 times faster in the astral plane, so it's ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE you remember to bring him back. I forgot to do so for my boss on one occasion and HR did an investigation and I was fired. (The police got involved but there was never definitive proof).

He only experienced 3 years so idk why he was so upset

If you can't take the heat, don't fuck with the pryoflux

[the-wizard-daily]

Oh thank you so much. I only just checked my Orb [long lunch break] so he's probably dead now lol. Serves him right for messing with the Orb.

[the-wizard-daily]

President Schubert made an announcement today. He skittered up on to the top of Mount Rushmore and screamed 'ehehhheehhehehwh' he then pulled a large toad from his throat and used it to cast a spell. Here at Wizard Daily, we try our best to report on these things, but not even we can figure out what he cast. We don't think Australia exists anymore though.