Trying to Let Go a bit
July 27th, 2013
This week has been terribly hectic. From Monday I’ve been pressed with the stress of vendors not responding to my emails, and not having a clear idea of what we’re actually purchasing. The factory itself is working on and off because we weren’t able to get the materials in quickly enough. The meeting on Wednesday was the final straw. I pushed and emailed and finally by today, only one vendor has yet to reply me. Should I say hurray?
On Thursday evening, all the stress finally caught up with me. For each day this week I’ve been pondering whether I should stay overtime to finish the work I’m doing. However, I ended up going home, being weak. Thursday afternoon I felt so insecure from my incompetence and self-image, I almost cried on the way back home. I had to get off the bus early and walk a few kms to dry up the tears.
I called mom, and the words just stuck in my throat. At that moment, all I wanted to do is to go home, to quit, and leave everything. I tripped and stumble on the cracking sidewalk, breathing in the dust and exhaust from engines passing by. I sniffled and felt so, so down. Nothing in the world can cheer me up now.
On Thursday, I wondered so much about whether I’m doing the right thing now. What is that dream job I’ve always wanted to do? How do I stop myself from expecting the dream job to give me sparkling eyes? Why can’t I have a day of dull eyes and not have everyone fret over it?
The material things I’ve longed for is catching up to me. I wanted to buy shoes, clothes, laptops, more and more stuff. I’d thought these things can complete me. And I’d thought I’d diminish all thoughts until recently. This is when I realize what I put in replacement for those “wants” are more unnecessary material that goes into my body. Nothing has changed, I’m not improving and I’m not appreciating myself.
Today I finally worked up the courage to wear a skirt to school. The breezy feeling around my legs felt liberating at the same time a bit cautious. A colleague nonchalantly said “your legs look short”. I wonder if she knew how much that simple sentence had broken my heart and shattered my confidence. So I withdraw into silence and proceed to pick up the broken pieces one sliver at a time.
It’s a good thing we are only human, and if we put enough effort into it, we can still change. Maybe I can excuse myself for today and enjoy a small lemon tart at Wine Connection tonight?
I’m loving the sunny weather today. I’ve always thought of the sun as a charger, and I can do photosynthesis like a plant. Under its soft caress I can unfurl my limbs, stretch, and be reborn. I’m halfway through 2013 now. I’ve grown so much in experience. I don’t need to compare to other people’s success and use them to measure my own. I don’t need other people’s judgments. I’ll just be me today, and just be.
