currently having an identity crisis

Alyssa / 24 / ADHD, Autism, C-PTSD, Bipolar

[theboxofanxiety]

welcome to my blog, i think?

i really dont know how to do introductions, but i see that everyone has one and i think its something i SHOULD do, so here it is!

you can call me alyssa, i use they/she pronouns and this is a sideblog. i vent about autism, emotional dysregulation, C-PTSD, and anything else i need to get off my chest. a large majority of my reblogs will be traumacore and ventcore related. tumblr has always been a safe space for me, and it feels like a place i can open up when i cant irl.

DNI IF

you are a NSFW blog

you demonize personality disorders

you are anti-agere

you are anti-self diagnosis

fakeclaimers

pedo/MAP/Zoophiles

if abuse is a trigger

if eating disorders are a trigger

i'm currently in therapy but the pandemic completely fucked over my progress so please don’t worry about that ♥ i come here to vent. i feel a lot of shame and i dont know why, so its hard for me to talk to people in person. i feel like i'm at my peak best when i'm in front of a keyboard, and its difficult.

my askbox is open, and i'll try to answer as many as i can. i'm just living the best way i can, in a way that will keep me around the longest.

[theboxofanxiety]

[theboxofanxiety]

[theboxofanxiety]

[theboxofanxiety]

and i feel myself slipping back into the bad habits i used to do.

like maybe, yes, i shouldn’t be counting calories. but also, isn’t it insane that most fast food calories are 600 and that’s nearly half my daily intake.

and like, maybe i should be eating more and exercising less and checking my body in the mirror less because everytime i do i see a monster that shapeshifts before my very eyes. it is what it is i guess.

maybe i’m meant to crack under the pressure of upholding perfection for so long. a year of sanctity stolen away by the image of a girl changing before my eyes

i’m unrecognizable

and yes i know i’ve been this weight before

but i hated myself

and yes i know i thought i was happy before

but i hated myself

and losing those 70 pounds in 2020 was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me

and yes, maybe i wish an ulcer upon myself again. i wish i could stress my body out so heavily that i can disregard my eating again.

call me meghan traitor because i don’t know how to starve myself without caving in

my self control will be the death of me

like a demon possessing my body and intaking this food when i beg it to stop

crying in the mirror as i watch myself eat

just another bite, and maybe, this time it won’t be an empty calorie

i do not think. i am not. i don’t exist. i pass by. i merely co habituate this earth with creatures i can’t call my brethren

the way they attack and belittle disgusts me and i fear i can’t live on in a world where they exist

another four years of madness i might just be living in my notes app

i am just a machine.

chugging so much dr pepper to keep myself full, i am built off of components i do not even remember, self testing regularly and failing, and yet i do not reach out for help

no one can help me. im a broken machine.

[theboxofanxiety]

[theboxofanxiety]

[worldclassdisaster]

Body Terror Song by AJJ

[samvents]

[ID text — We came from dirt. We have to swallow it.]

[samvents]

[ID text — The moral of the story is, I will gut you if I need to. I will carve my way out with only my teeth.]

[decayingrottenchild-deactivated]

You ruined me. I hope you fucking rot in hell.

[traumatizeddfox]

questions

[traumatizeddfox]

[aggregatefruitsystem]

[vokghost]

[01298283-deactivated20250623]

[vokghost]