Crying Drops of Love

My name is Melanie. I am a mom to 5 boys, 1 baby boy angel, a step-son and a step-daughter.

[borntooearlyborntoosmall]

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Reblog this if you are a mother of an angel baby.

[theboyfactory6]

Begin with Ben!

We got to try Uncle Ben’s rice products complimentary Influenster. I’m not big on flavored or instant rices. I prefer to cook from scratch. Now that my husband is a stay at home dad, he does all of the cooking. He’s still a beginner cook, so products like Uncle Ben’s really help him out with making great side dishes with ease. It boosts his cooking confidence.

Uncle Ben’s has introduced a new line with healthy grains like Quinoa and 5 Grain which we love.

[theboyfactory6]

Non-drowsy Dramamine

So, I had a chance to try Non-drowsy Naturals with Natural Ginger Dramamine complimentary Influenster. I do not experience motion sickness, but I know a couple of people who do. I am going to make sure to keep it available for when the opportunity arises so that I can update on how well it works.

[theboyfactory6]

I got all these products complimentary from #influenster #nurturevoxbox #voxbox #free #freestuff

[theboyfactory6]

I'm receiving all of these products complimentary Influenster to test and review!

[theboyfactory6]

I am not depressed!

I want to shout it to the world. I am not depressed!  I am grieving.  I am a grieving mother.  I have experienced a loss that is said to be one of the worst pains a person can experience. Despite working through this pain with extreme and numerous emotions, I am not depressed.

I think a lot of people see bereavement and depression as being the same, but they are quite separate states. I have told many, many people that I feel so lucky that I am not one that suffers from postpartum depression (PPD). PPD can be debilitating. I can't imagine adding that to the pain that I already have.

Bereavement is a very natural, normal phenomenon that is quite predictable in many ways. Everyone has heard of the stages of grief. How we navigate through those stages and how long it takes may vary, but most people experience these stages in one form or another.  When someone is grieving, it is kind of sporadic.  Once the person gets past the initial shock, grief tends to hit in waves.  It is triggered by experiences or environmental situations that bring back thoughts or memories regarding their loss. Those triggers are hard to take at first. Each time a trigger hits, you feel like you have been hit by a truck.  Over time, you realize the triggers become less frequent and the impact isn't so hard.  This is coping.  We have to learn to cope with those things.  We have to adjust to our new normal.  

Depression is much different.  Depression is a disorder. It is far from what should be a normal state in our life.  It requires medical treatment which often includes medication.  When a person is depressed, it is a more chronic state of sadness.  It isn't triggered by a commercial, song, sentimental item, or anything like that. The person is consumed with a sense of hopelessness.  They don't just think about reuniting with a lost loved one someday; they often have true thoughts of wanting to die as an escape.  

For those that love and care about me, I just want to say that I am not depressed.  A lot of what you see and hear from me may be times when I am exhibiting grief. Most likely, these are just ways that I am processing and learning to cope. This life is my new normal and it is a huge adjustment.  I took a hard blow, but I have never in my life been one to give up. Even in moments of weakness, I know that I am strong.  I love my family. I love my life.  I love to laugh.  Everyday, I am loving, living, and laughing.  That will never stop.

[theboyfactory6]

We were sent peanut butter chocolate flavored Reese’s Spreads complimentary Influenster for product review. We made breakfast crepes with a banana cream cheese filling topped with bananas and Reese’s Spreads. #influenster #reesesspreads #contest

[theboyfactory6]

The itch that kills.

At about 6 weeks of pregnancy, I noticed that the palms of my hands were really itchy. At the same time, I was going through an interview process at work trying for a promotion.  I remember joking with my husband that it was a good sign that I was going to get the job. Little did I know, that itch was an itch that could kill.  

Over the next week to week and a half, the itching increased immensely. It had spread to the soles of my feet as well. The itching almost only occurred during the night when all I wanted to do was sleep. The itch was so intense, I literally felt like scratching the skin completely off of my palms and soles in an attempt to get relief. I remember even having visions of digging into my palms and soles with a knife to relieve the itching. At this time, I started googling trying to figure out what could possibly cause this. The first thing that came up (and came up over and over again) was a condition called Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (ICP).

ICP is a disorder that impairs the liver causing bile acids to build up in the blood stream. Very little is known about ICP because it is a fairly rare condition. It does seem to occur more frequently in certain populations such as in people with ancestry from Chile and Sweden. Other than being made completely miserable from the itching, ICP usually does not harm the mother.  The worst effects can occur with the baby.  ICP can cause preterm labor and can cause the baby to release meconium into the amniotic fluid which can get into the baby's lungs at birth causing a serious infection. Worst of all, it can cause stillbirth. Some research shows stillbirth rates to be up to 15%.  This is nearly a 1 in 6 chance.

Typically, ICP starts in the third trimester.  Doctors will start a medication called Urso and induce the women at around 37 to 38 weeks.  Research shows that carrying a baby past 38 weeks significantly increases the chance of a negative outcome.  In rare cases, ICP will be diagnosed earlier in pregnancy.  My ICP diagnosis occurred in the first trimester. This is almost unheard of.  I was now a rare upon rare case of a condition in which little is understood.

At this point, the medical community does not know why ICP happens. They do not know what actually harms the baby. They do know that the higher the bile acids (BA's) in the mother's blood stream, the more likely the baby will go into fetal distress. If the mother's BA's go over 40, this is considered to be severe and the baby is considered to be at potential risk. A positive diagnosis occurs at a BA over 10.  Mine peaked at 14.  

Since my bile acids weren't that high and I was early in pregnancy, I decided not to medicate and to just continue to watch my levels.  I was telling myself that if they get over 20, I will start the medication to help lower them.  Urso improves liver function and will bring down bile acids. When a woman is at risk due to high BA, taking Urso seems to significantly decrease the likelihood of the baby going into distress.

I went on with my pregnancy battling the horrible itching, but thinking that since my BA's were staying low that I was fine. As we continued to monitor, my BA's started going down.  I believe my last BA before I had Martin was a 9.  I wouldn't even be high enough for a positive diagnosis at this point.

As I said before, there isn't enough information or research out there to know exactly why ICP will cause sudden and unpredictable death to a baby.  It does seem that an anoxic event will occur shortly before fetal demise in which the baby is deprived of oxygen causing all organs to be injured.

No one will ever be able to tell me for sure that ICP caused Martin's death. There is no test to determine this.  I will never know if my bile acids suddenly spiked before he went into distress.  All I know is that my baby was healthy.  We had been checked by a maternal fetal medicine specialist twice.  Every millimeter of Martin's body had been looked at in detail through high tech ultrasound.  He was the picture of health. He was growing perfectly. Other than the ICP, I was perfectly healthy and was having a pregnancy without complications.  I had no history of medical issues during pregnancy. My son presented in the hospital with significant damage to his body and was extremely close to death. Just delaying a few minutes would have turned our situation into a stillbirth situation.  The damage to his body was not something he could possibly recover from.

Even though my ICP started early, even though my BA's were not high the last time we tested, even though ICP and distress due to ICP typically occurs at the end of pregnancy, I feel 100% that the itch (ICP) killed my baby. There are women out there that have had cases like mine. It is just too rare to have real answers.

Whether ICP was what caused my son's death or not, I do want to bring awareness to this condition that so little is known about.  It is a very serious condition and it should not be taken lightly.  If a woman is experiencing itching of this nature, she should be tested.  Doctors and midwives often know very little about this condition and may have seen little to no cases previously.  It is better to be safe than sorry.  If a woman appears to have this condition, she should have ability to make an informed decision on her treatment.  It should be explained to her that Urso and early delivery ( at 38 weeks or sooner if the baby's lungs are ready) is what will give the baby the best chance.

[theboyfactory6]

I cannot believe my baby died.

I still cannot believe it.  I just can't. The thought just keeps going through my head over and over.  How could this happen? 

On 11/26/14, I got up and went through my typical routine of getting ready for work.  I was 29 weeks pregnant with what seemed to be a pretty healthy pregnancy. I was expecting my 6th little boy and could not have been more excited.  I remember the day that I found out that I was having a boy.  I just smiled and laughed.  I was shocked.  6 boys?!  How in the heck does that happen?  My dreams for my little boy began that day. On this day, 11/26, that excitement would change.  As I was leaving for work, I told my husband that I really didn't remember if I had felt any significant movement recently. I tried to remember any movement from the day before, but I couldn't.  All that came to mind is how busy I had been at work all day.  I just told myself that I didn't consciously notice because I had been so busy and didn't think much of it. I gave my belly a poke to tell the baby I was there and headed on in for the day.

That night, when I got home, I was trying to settle down from another busy day.  I was then suddenly aware that I didn't recall feeling any significant movement during the day.  I decided to go relax in bed, watch some TV, and see if I notice any movement.  I sat there for awhile and my husband brought me dinner.  I still hadn't notice any movement.  I ate my dinner and decided to drink some sweet tea to get some sugar in my system.  I turned the TV off, laid in bed, and began getting serious about some kick counts. I placed my hand on my tummy, closed my eyes, and waited.  After an hour, I had still felt nothing. I was then determined to get my baby to move.  I began poking hard into my stomach. I could feel him in there. Each time I poked and prodded, I could feel his tiny body move away. Floating away...there was no resistance. By this time, I was scared to death.  In my heart, I felt my baby was gone.  It was terrifying.  I tried to convince myself that he was just sleepy.  I hoped so much that he was just sleepy.

I texted my midwife to let her know that I was really worried. I told her that I had already done everything that I would be advised to do to monitor for movement and still felt nothing.  She just happened to be out of town which may have been a small blessing that day. She told me to go into L&D to be evaluated. I gathered some things together, made some arrangements for someone to take care of my family for the night, and my husband and I headed into the hospital.

Once we arrived, we went through the usual triage process at the ER and the L&D team came to get us.  The ER checked my vitals while we were there and all was well.  L&D got me up to their floor and hooked me up to monitor the fetal heart rate.  As soon as they get the bands on me, there was a heartbeat! The nurse got a smile on her face and told me how great that was.  I was so relieved, but felt so dumb.  This is my 6th pregnancy and I can't tell if my baby is moving or not? They wanted to continue to monitor me for awhile just to make sure everything was okay and that I wasn't having contractions. While I was being monitored, I remember a well intended ER nurse saying, "See those black boxes at the top of the strip?" (referring to the heart rate monitoring) "That is fetal movement that it is detecting. Do you feel any movement yet?"  I didn't.  I just told her that I didn't feel anything significant. I was so confused. What was going on?

After while of being monitored, a doctor came in to talk with me.  He asked me if I was having any contractions. I told him that I did have one when I first got hooked up.  I saw it on the strip.  It felt like a strong Braxton Hicks and didn't feel like anything that would lead to real labor.  I had been having relentless Braxton Hicks this pregnancy and had the pregnancy before as well. I didn't think much of them at this point.  It was my normal. The doctor then began to tell us that the heart rate was concerning.  It was staying at a steady 136 that seemed normal to me. He went on to say that in a healthy baby, the heart rate will vary up and down slightly as the baby reacts and responds to its environment.  There was no variation in the heartbeat.  It was staying extremely consistent. The only time there was any variation was a few sudden drops in the heart rate that he wasn't recovering from well.  He had a significant deceleration with the one contraction I had when I first arrived.  The doctor was obviously worried.

To further see if we could figure out what was going on, the doctor ordered a Biophysical Profile.  This is an ultrasound conducted to look for certain markers to determine if the baby is healthy or showing signs of distress. I saw my little boy's heart beating away.  That felt so good.  The amniotic fluid looked great. Having too much or too little amniotic fluid can be an indicator of a problem. He was a good size.  My little guy looked so perfect.  

The sonographer continued with her scan.  There was something that quickly became apparent. He was not moving.  She was running the doppler pretty vigorously over my abdomen telling me how that will usually stimulate the baby.  Nothing. She asked me to turn onto my left side to see if changing positions would initiate movement. Nothing.  She asked me to turn onto my right side.  Nothing.  She asked me to turn back onto my back. Nothing. During this time, she was also watching for some other markers to indicate health. She was watching for the chest to rise up and down as the baby did practice breathing.  He wasn't.  When we first started the scan, my son's bladder was full.  The bladder working is a good sign. It wasn't overly full.  This indicated that things had been working properly, at least up until recently.  The entire time we had been watching him, his bladder had not emptied. This brought up another concern.  Other than the heartbeat, the baby wasn't showing any signs of typical function.  During the scan, the heartbeat continued to have decels. There was one image burned in my mind.  Each time that the doppler went over his face, I could see his tiny right hand clenched up resting by his shoulder. His little fingers never left that fixed position. His little hand looked claw like. At this point, we knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

I was at a hospital that was not equipped to deliver and care for a 29 weeker. The discussion began on where I was going to go to deliver my baby.  Which hospital was best? Would I be life-flighted or sent by ambulance? It was so scary.  I didn't care where I went or how I got there. Just get me somewhere to make things okay.  Someone, please help us. Save my baby. Please, save my baby.

As the doctor was making call after call to get a transport team set up, he suddenly came in and said something I will never forget.  "We need to deliver your baby here, right now. If we try to get you anywhere, we are going to be delivering a dead baby."  I was instantly wheeled into the OR. Everything was happening so fast.  Why was this happening?  I was supposed to be having another home birth in the comfort of my own home.  I wasn't even due for almost another 11 weeks.  Why?!  As they put the mask over my face to put me under general anesthesia, I remember one thing.  A nurse was running a doppler over my stomach. I heard her say that the heartbeat was gone.

As I woke up, I heard the doctor explaining what had occurred during the 20 minutes I was under.  My son was born without a heartbeat.  He told me that they used every medical effort available to get his heart going again. Somehow, they managed to get it back. It took them 15 minutes to get it started. I don't remember the exact words. I was still a little groggy. I just remember him letting me know that no matter what his condition was before he was born, the fact he went so long without a heartbeat was not hopeful.

As you could imagine, the timeline was a blur for me.  I just remember the doctor telling me they had drawn blood gases on the baby and they were 6.5.  The doctor said this was the worst number they had ever seen in a newborn and it indicated that he probably had been in distress for a day or two. I have since read that in a study of 69,000 births, that not one baby was born alive with a blood gas of under 6.6.  The fact he was here with a heartbeat was a medical miracle. His body should not be functioning at all. All of his organs were damaged at a cellular level. This was not something he could ever recover from even in the best circumstances. Why he had a heartbeat cannot be explained except that his heart wanted to continue to beat as long as he was getting oxygen. His little heart was fighting, but everything else was gone. Before he was born and after, there was nothing to indicate that my baby had brain activity.  His bladder wasn't functioning. His lungs were functioning. He had no movement, not even reflexes. The doctor let me know they had done a few series of blood gases and they were not improving.  There was nothing they could do.

At this time, they brought my sweet baby to me. The transport team that had came just in case he required transport was handling him and his ventilator.  They said it wasn't really stable and if it fell out, he would be gone. When they handed him to me, my heart broke.  While holding him in their outstretched arms, his arms and legs just dangled from his body.They hung loosely and swayed with the movement as she passed him over.  His eyes hung halfway open in a dead stare. His mouth gaped open.  He was pink and warm, but he wasn't alive.  To this day, I can barely get it out of my mouth to say that he lived. That was not a life by any definition that I am comfortable with. It was traumatizing to see. One one hand, it was good to know that he could not feel pain.  He would not suffer.  On the other hand, he couldn't hear our voices or feel our touch.  I loved him so much and I wanted him to know.  This made my heart ache. The thought was awful. 

That morning, we each took our turn holding him and loving on him the best we could. We tried to fit a lifetime of love into a matter of hours.  As we held him, his heart rate continued to slowly drop. He was shutting down.  My husband and I had family leave the room so that we could say goodbye to our beautiful son that had just arrived. The transport team removed his ventilator.  His body took a few reflexive gasps and he was gone. This is how we spent our Thanksgiving. I cannot believe my baby died.

Martin Bailey Valdez

Born 11-27-14 1:11am - 7:46am

2 lbs. 12 oz.  15" long

My precious boy, gone too soon.