Summer Blues Cure

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August 19

Keeping it short for the end of summer: I think I've grown a lot on the inside this summer. I learned to stave off boredom on my own, to create projects and opportunities for myself. I didn't accomplish all of my goals (no license), but I am still reasonably proud of what I've done this summer. I think my relationship with my mom grew as well. I've enjoyed this summer but I am ready to head back. I GET TO SEE MY GIRLFRIEND TOMORROW. I GET TO SEE MY FRIENDS TOMORROW. I GET TO GO TO CLASS SO SOON. Ready to be back.

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August 18th

The Joy of Packing I used to hate packing. As an unorganized and messy person, it was the antithesis of everything I enjoyed doing. But lately, I have realized that there is so much fun to be found in packing. You get to rediscover your old clothes, model them on yourself, figure out what to wear. You find other curios and knick-knacks you've completely forgotten about. And even the organization is kind of fun. It's like a real-life Tetris game: jamming and packing things in so that you can figure out how to get everything you need to fit. It's a simple, easy, mental task. And as someone actively trying to make a change in organization level, it is good to create the clothes-folding muscle memory. Pulled a practice 4K and did much better than I expected. I paced it pretty much the opposite of how our coach prefers it, starting fast and getting slow. I maintain this makes more sense for the structure of this piece. TBD on if it works or if I get chewed out.

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August 17th

As the day of my return to school approaches, I think about how different I feel this year than last year. Last year O had a lot of apprehension. Could I improve my grades? Would things be different with my girlfriend? Would so still enjoy school? This year, I am less panicked. I know this year will have its up and downs, but I am also sure I am headed to the place I really want to be. I know my relationship will evolve and grown, but that, too, is a part of my life I am certain of. Now that I'm in the second half of my college years, it feels more reasonable to be comfortable and certain of somethings. Obviously, I will have to work hard to make my expectations a reality. But I am prepared to do this. I will grow and improve this year, just I did last year from the year before. I am ready to go back.

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August 16th- Poetry Jam/Thoughts

You’ve been gone six years now

There’s days when you don’t pop in my mind

I don’t remember every detail of your face anymore

I have changed so much since last time I saw you

But you are part of me forever;

I will never forget you, not that I’d endeavor

to try. People close to me in life, of the few

you have influenced me most, someday someone will change me more

But I think you will find

I’ll always grieve even when I’ve forgotten how.

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I can’t say I expected this

To fall in love so fast

But now that I’ve been struck with it

In my heart I’ll know it’ll last.

My heart feels like I’m soaring

The times I spend with you 

The joy you that you bring to my life

I hope I give some too

The smiles that my face makes for you

is unlike any other

There’s no hiding how you make me feel

My feelings I can’t smother

Your intelligence and kindness

both beyond compare

and add to that strength, inside and out,

Beauty that makes me stare

You make me a harder worker

Happier, and kinder too.

I guess I’m just so lucky

I ended up with you.

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 15th- Bubbles vs. Idiots

As a modern, politically-minded person, it is important not to surround yourself in a bubble, or an echo chamber. If you only hear your own opinions reflected back at you, eventually you start to forget that there are others out there with different perspectives. However, it is also important to employ some level of filtration in your opinion intake. There are so many uninformed, ignorant, or flat-out malevolent beliefs that are frankly not worth anyone’s time. Becoming a knowledgeable, well-rounded politically-minded person is about striking a balance.

I am very liberal. As such, to achieve this balance, I would be aiming to listen to many voices to the right of me, as well as a few to the very far left. This is not the case. The problem is that there is no way to be a reasonable person and support Donald Trump anymore. There never really was, but in light of Charlottesville, it is truly impossible. You can still be a Republican, but supporting the current presidency is a mark of irrationality in my book. At the very least, it is a tacit approval of racism, sexism, and almost every form of bigotry; a total lack of empathy. I do have friends and listen to voices to the right of mine. But I find myself as frankly a bit more conservative than some of my close friends, opposing BDS and holding some more traditionalist viewpoints. 

I hope someday we find ourselves in a political place where being on the right does not necessitate being bigoted. I miss reasonable debate and discussion. But it is not possible now. 

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 14th

I feel as if I am ending this summer on a really high note, particularly in interacting with my mom. She and I have had a long, happy, but interesting relationship.. For the first 13 years of my life, she was the working parent, the one I didn’t get to see much. She was more of a distant authority figure. But following my dad’s death, our relationship fundamentally changed. It took adjustment for both of us. I do not think she was entirely prepared for all the small aspects of raising a child, just as I was not prepared for her entirely different approach and attitude toward child-raising. But over time, we have found a method that works. And finding this balance has led to the ability to have much more interesting conversations. For example, I never would have thought that I would know her opinions on art. But after touring the American Portrait Gallery, I really began to understand what aspects she values in art she admires. Having only recently gained much of an interest in art (thanks to my girlfriend), it was fascinating to talk to someone who also did not have much experience in that realm, and see how she approached it. We have almost entirely opposite views: I prefer sculptures and art with obvious design or meaning, she much more abstract and free-flowing designs.

Some of my enthusiasm for creating moments with my mom was inspired by my girlfriend. She has made it a personal goal to have some kind of shared time and experience with each member of her family before she leaves. I have never really put much thought into creating these with my mom. She is not much for sentimentality, and prefers to just work hard. But then I think of all the wonderful moments I had with my dad, and how much I wish I could have had so many more of those. I am determined not to regret or worry that those around me don’t know how important they are to me.  

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August 13

I am beginning to grow weary of the daily workout grind. It is a constant attempt to find balance between my need to work hard to be the most competitive rower I can be next year, and the urge to not overdo it and burn myself out like last year. There are some days where I have to drag myself downstairs in order to do my workouts, and other days where I have to physically pull myself away because I am so hyped up. I think the main thing that keeps me motivated is not  really rowing itself, but the desire to look good. Some chunk of my own self-image is within my looks, and working hard helps me feel more confident in that part. But the monotony of working out alone is tiring me. I am ready to be back in school, with people who will motivate me and, when necessary, drag me to the erg room or lake or weight room to workout. 

It would be a lie to say that the desire for workout buddies is even close to the top of my list for reasons for wanting to return though. There are all of my friends, the classes I am looking forward to, the freedom that being in a college atmosphere brings. But most of all, there is her. My girlfriend. I cannot wait to hold her, to give her a delicate kiss on the forehead, to watch her expression light up in person. Texts, snapchats, and phonecalls are all wonderful fascimiles of real interaction and I appreciate them, but at this point I am just craving the real thing. 

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August 12th

Charlottesville was an act of radical white right-wing extremism. These people are Nazis. They gathered to defend a monument to racists and traitors, with violent intentions,and carried them out. I have been, and still for the most part am, a “classic ACLU liberal”. I support defending speech even when I find it abhorrent. But advocating ridding our country of a race, calling them subhuman, or calling for their extermination? These are just as dangerous as yelling “fire” in a crowded theater. Yes the danger is not as pressing...yet. But by allowing this hate, we only let it grow to the point where it becomes legitimately problematic. After the events last night, it is time to stop saying that people whose lives are threatened have no recourse. If there is not legal change, someday that recourse will come through violence. To everyone who compares the events of Chalottesville to BLM protests: you are a moron. If you cannot see the distinction between a historically oppressed group fighting a struggle to be recognized and for equality, and a group of human embodiments of privilege fighting to maintain that superior position, then ay G-D help you, because you really are n ot prepared to handle the modern world. Finally, confederate symbols are traitor’s symbols. If that is the heritage or history you take pride in, you are not an American. Put it in a museum. Do not glorify it in publicly-funded parks, state capitols, or state flags. Keep it as a reminder of our shared shameful histpry. But no one should take pride in it.

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 11

Today I made my first visit to the gym at my new house. I must say, I am impressed. First of all, they have a rowing machine that works perfectly which is a big bonus. It doesn’t seem particularly used, which frankly I prefer, as it means people haven’t fucked it up with their awful technique. In addition, the gym has a pool AND a sauna. I am very excited to have a sauna at my disposal to recover from long workouts. In addition, during people-watching, I enjoyed the company in the new house. Frankly, the main difference is fewer personal trainers. I enjoy the company of fellow self-motivated people over lunatic screaming nutjob yelling at people just trying to improve. I know I am late to the party, but I cannot recommend American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson highly enough. The acting is superb, even John Travolta’s incredibly weird performance. Although the acting of the character of OJ himself seems a bit “off”, the key players, such as Johnny Cochrane and Marcia Clark are incredible. In addition, the show delves into the story of Chris Darden, a black member of the prosecution who was the subject of much undeserved derision as an “Uncle Tom”. I must admit that I personally support the verdict of the OJ trial, despite the fact that it seems far more likely than not that OJ did commit murder. Ultimately, Fuhrman taking the 5th when asked if he tampered with evidence in the case, rather than the glove not fitting, seems to have been the turning point in the case. No matter how you feel about the case itself, the show is masterfully presented in its visual effects and acting.

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 10th- Hot Takes

There are countless articles about what is wrong with the news industry that center on one issue: too much of modern journalism focuses on reacting rather than reporting. I think this is an asinine argument. Great reporting is still done every day around the globe. Real reporting, following leads, interviewing, searching for connections. There is no less of this kind of reporting going on than in the so-called “hey-days” of journalistic excellence. Instead, there are simply more of these “reactionaries” that profit by giving their spin on the daily news. We can see this phenomenon in sports, politics, pop culture, and really any form of news media. And I do not necessarily think it is a bad thing, to be totally honest. Yes, the reporting of news stories is of course the key element of journalism. Bur it is interesting to see how different groups of people react to the same facts. At that point, it is on the consumer to determine what sources are worth their time. Some might say that this leads to people only following new sources that support their own worldview. But even supposedly “objective” sources that solely report are not free of bias. Instead, these reactive journalists, if approached properly, can allow one to get a more nuanced view of the facts around news.

This does NOT extend to the so-called hot-taker, journalists only interested in stirring up controversy. Your Skip Baylesses, your Breitbarts, etc. These add nothing to the journalistic process and instead waste type with inane garbage. These are the hot takers, out only to garner reaction and page views. They, not reaction pieces, are what threaten quality journalism.

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 9th

After months of enviously staring at my girlfriend’s hiking photos, I FINALLY got the chance to satisfy my hiking craving. It happened that it occurred at the same place where I dislocated my shoulder last year. However, I took it much more safely this year. There was still plenty of rock clambering, but the verticality was much more limited. And when I didn’t have to worry about my own health, I got to enjoy the view much more. And it was spectacular. There were giant rows of forests, swooping rock faces. On the ground, there were fascanting forgs, snakeskins, and insects. This hike was a much-needed cathartic experiences after days cooped up in my house. It also highlighted my need to get a driver’s license. I want to be able to take these excursions from the outside world on my own schedule without relying on others. A summer goal.

Girlfriend had a late dinner to celebrate the end of her work. It sounds like it was the perfect way to end what has been a long, difficult, but rewarding experience. Hearing about it really makes me impressed with how she has stayed incredible throughout some difficult experiences and ended more sure of her pah in life. It also left me wishing I had had a little bit more out of my own internship experience. The lack of feeling like I really made connections with people after the end of is not a good one, especially after years of attending and counseling camp with my friends. Not every summer will be full of excitement nd un, but I am hoping I can improve on this one. 

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 8th

Seeing friends is always nice. Even in a summer that has been defined by me learning to enjoy my own company more, I still cherish opportunities to get out of the house, especially this one. He is a truly odd man, and not one I’d want to emulate in most ways. But this opposite dynamic makes him my close friend and someone I do respect. He is un-bothered and un-cluttered by emotion, full of a self-confidence that borders on the crazy, and above all, STRONG. The time at his house was not particularly eventful today, mostly just goofing off and talking about his stupid mustache. His family is also very strange. They are possibly the most one-sided conversationalists in history. I am a talkative man, and I probably said 100 total words today. But it was worth it to just get some of the real human interaction I have been missing. 

Girlfriend has had a long long night to prepare for her final day of her work. Writing kind things about all of her coworkers and emotionally preparing to say goodbye. It seems like she is ending on a high note and that is really all I could ask for from this summer. She is meant to teach. There was never any doubt about this but I am even more sure. And I think she is too.

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 7th

It is okay to ask people for help. I often have an aversion to this; it feels week and I always want to solve problems myself. But sometimes people know things you don't. After class scheduling fiascos last year, I was worried I had repeated this year and would have to drop a class I was particularly excited for. But I emailed my advisor for help, as well as General academic advice. She was incredibly helpful, and let me know about a new class that fit perfectly with my schedule and was exactly what I needed. Had I not sent an email admitting that I needed her help, I would have been screwed. I got a morning call from my girlfriend today. I had already resigned myself to not being able to talk until Wednesday so seeing the phone run with her name on it made me grin from ear to ear. It was a short conversation, more check-in than anything else. But she sounded so happy after a fun weekend that it made me smile, in addition to an already-good day. It means a lot to me to date someone who also cares about the little things in a relationship and that, sometimes, tiny gestures can have the biggest effect on a person. She truly is the one person that can always make me smile.

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 6

I have had a lot of typical projects this summer. Making some money, getting my driver’s license, and this blog, for example. But I also want to improve on my cooking and baking. I figure since I will be relying less on the meal plan and more on myself for food in the coming year, I should probably be able to actually prepare food to feed myself. Plus, everyone loves a nice sweet treat after a long day. So I have decided to improve and perfect my meatloaf recipe, as well as bake some basic chocolate chip cookies. I am also going to start a personal cookbook of my favorite recipes. Someday I hope these will be my family’s recipes that we can pretend have been handed down through the ages, but secretly came from recipes.com.

My girlfriend’s fun weekend romp continued with another gorgeous hike in a mountain path full of wildflowers. Really looking forward to hiking. As much as I love the suburbs and the city of DC, I have recently been pining for the call of the wild (not the book which I felt was overrated). She and her friend have made all sorts of long-term friendship plans. Inspiration to do more of that kind of thin with my friends.

[thecapitalpineapple]

August 5th

I have noticed a trend in social media where I find a blog or twitter account or user I agree with and support wholeheartedly, only to discover they are a raging BernieBro or Never Hillary leftist. This frustrates me to no end. Equating Trump and Hillary is much worse than calling one the "lesser of two evils", as HILLARY CLINTON IS NOT EVIL. Is she perfect? No. She is a successful career politician, and part of that bargain means cutting deals with unsavory people. Unfortunately, there is a significant part of America with significantly inhumane interests, and working around those people is often necessary to make some sort of positive change. It is easy to be a spouting ideologue standing on a soapbox like Bernie Sanders, constantly standing up for what you believe in in every facet of life at the expense of getting things done. But I would prefer to vote for someone with at least some track record for accomplishing anything on a political stage. This does not even begin to touch on the awfulness of much of the far left fan base, who decry "identity politics" as the downfall of the Democratic Party because it does not cater to straight white men exclusively anymore. There are so many instances of racism, sexism, and anti-semitism from his supporter base. In addition, they further propose gate insane right-wing conspiracy theories in attempts to defame Hillary. I support efforts to move the party further left, but I do not think Bernie supporters, particularly the most radical fringe, should be those the left wishes to emulate.

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August 4th

I am into the true doldrums of summer, at the point where I really wish I was back at school. That is not to say I am unhappy here. More that I am growing restless. As the summer wears on, it is easier to become worried. Do the people I care about most even like me at all? What am I gonna do this school year? Am I working hard enough? What am I going to do with my life? All of these thoughts have run through my head in the last 24 hours. Ultimately, it is the problem of an idle mind. Although I am working hard to keep myself busy, there is still a lot of time to let my anxious mind wander. I have gotten better at controlling it but am far from perfect still. Tonight was my girlfriend's last day with students at her work. Her friend is also visiting from out of town! I'm glad she will get the chance to cap off the summer on a high note after a long and stressful work. Had our last real conversation for the next five days due to friends and work and it certainly wasn't our best; we were both not in our best moods and it was quite hurried. Although I don't enjoy these silent by happenstance periods, at least we will both have a chance to have many new things to talk about next time. Just can't wait to see her again.

[thecapitalpineapple]

The Interrogative Mood

How do you review a book with no plot, characters, setting, or focus? I struggled with this question in trying to formulate an explanation for Padgett Powell’s The Interrogative Mood. This book is simply a series of questions, ranging from the mundane to the deeply introspective. There is no consistent woven storyline between these questions. There may be some connections between a few but for the most part the novel reads as almost stream-of consciousness. More than any other novel, this book places the reader within their own mind rather than in some outward setting.

This book is unlike any other I have ever read, and it really impossible to compare to any other. Not only does this book not have any semblance of story, but it evens seems as if the author was intentionally avoiding it at times. This is not a book of typical questions or conversation-starters, although perhaps it could be used as one. There are some truly odd questions, such as “Do you find the phrase  ‘the verdant sewage of Michigan’ intriguing?” Questions like these make the book a “multiple readings” type of book. Despite being only 170-some page, this book took me more than a week to read. In minute chunks is the only way to properly digest this book. Consuming it slowly allows the mind to actually examine every question and ponder it a little bit. Attempt to swallow too much of the book and you will be left with a thoroughly un-fulfilling experience, as questions run together in your mind and become a muddled mess.

In this book of more than 500 questions, it is difficult to pinpoint a favorite. But I found a few that particularly tickled my fancy, for a variety of reasons. Some of my favorites were the meta-questions, such as “would it be reasonable to ask someone if he or she has a favorite musical note?” Rather than directly asking the question, the author is questioning whether the question is even meaningful, which is absurd in a book filled with questions one hundred times more absurd than this one. Another stirring question was “If you had the chance, and there weren’t the certain prospect of time in court or jail in these our litigious times, wouldn’t you like to participate in a rumble?” On the surface, this is a silly question with the obvious answer of “yes, it would be a blast to participate in a rumble”. But this silly question can reveal the savagery in all of us. A rumble is just a gentle and cute phrasing of a riot, a mob, perhaps even a revolution. Were it not for the artificial boundaries we have created, we would be much more inclined to act on our savage impulses. Even silly, absurdist questions can reveal deep truths about the human psyche.

This school year, I will have a project with this book. My girlfriend and I are going to answer every single question, including absurd ones with no reasonable answer. I am curious to see how actually verbalizing and phrasing real answers to these questions, rather than pondering them in my head, changes the experience. If possible, it would be fun to include other people, but I also am excited to do this as a part of my relationship. We have long had a “question game” where we ask each other questions, always seeking to learn new things about each other. This exercise seems like the reductio ad absurdum version of that game, answering the whole gamut of questions from the deeply introspective to the fanciful and irrelevant.

This book is not the one you should choose if you are interested in, well, reading a book. But if you are most excited to be thinking, laughing, and a bit confused, I would highly recommend it. I look forward to revisiting this book in different frames of consciousness and times in my life and seeing how the answers have changed. This book is not closed within itself but opens up a bright world of possibilities.