I'm nonbinary and bisexual, and I’ve been struggling with how I relate to my masculine or male counterparts. It’s been messing up how I perceive and interact with men, especially in relationships. I don’t have these issues with women, probably because they understand my experiences both as someone assigned female at birth and as nonbinary.
I’ve been dating men for a while now, and it’s not going well. Despite knowing I’m bi and nonbinary, they still treat me only as a woman. There’s this forced expectation for me to perform traditional female roles, especially in dating—and that’s incredibly invalidating. I’ve even been cheated on. I’ve clearly communicated my boundaries and where I’m coming from, but instead of listening, things just turned into arguments.
It’s exhausting. They say they love and accept me, but their actions show the opposite. It feels like they’re not being honest, like they’re using my struggles against me. They don’t respect me as a whole person, they reject my identity, invalidate my reasons, and disregard my experiences. It wasn’t that our relationships couldn’t work, it’s that my identity kept being targeted. That’s why I had to walk away from certain relationships.
It also makes me incredibly uncomfortable when they sexualize me. I don’t get it. I just want to be respected and loved properly. But now I’m left wondering if this part of me—my gender, my identity. Is the problem, and that thought hurts.
I want a partner who truly understands gender struggles. Misogyny and politics make it worse, especially when culture is already biased against women who are masculine-presenting. I just want to be deeply understood. I’m tired of feeling alone. I want love, not harm. And the only place I’ve felt a sense of safety lately is within the queer community.
I do have healthy relationships with some men, guy friends, and women too (they’ve never been the issue). But dating men, given how complicated my relationship with masculinity is, has only led to more hurt. At the same time, I feel like I’m betraying myself if I cut them off entirely because I’m still sexually attracted to men. It’s confusing.
While writing this, I’m realizing how deeply the trauma runs. Being treated poorly by men has affected me more than I thought. I never imagined dating would be this painful. And just to be clear, I would never use women to compensate for what I can’t get from men. I’m just venting about my experience dating men as someone who’s nonbinary.
Dating as a nonbinary person is hard. I think I need to stop dating certain types of men to protect myself. It’s painful to admit, but some men ruin the experience of gender for people like me. The pressure of gender roles doesn’t help either, because I refuse to conform. I live by my own terms, and I’ll never be silent about that.
I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone I truly feel safe with. I’m sorry if my thoughts sound jumbled or unclear, I've just come out of some really toxic relationships where my identity was the main reason things fell apart. I'm still young, and I’m hoping to find advice or support from older nonbinary and bisexual folks who’ve been through this. I know relationships aren’t perfect, but I see loving, healthy queer couples and wonder if I’ll ever get that too.
Being born female is already hard enough. I’m grateful for my femininity, but sometimes it feels like it puts my humanity at risk when I assert my nonbinary identity. Instead of giving me good memories, it’s been causing more pain.
I want to live life on my own terms, on my own identity. I want clarity. I want to be able to build healthy relationships that honor who I am, so I can finally heal from the trauma and confusion I’ve carried alone for so long. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I just want a safe space where I can be fully myself, especially in love.
To be clear about my identity I'm:
- i use both male and female energy and roles but at the same time rejecting the stereotypes that carries it where it gives more problems than peace
- i accept my woman body parts (dont plan on changing it physically to a guy)
- i only use the physicality of a guy like the image of them maybe a bit of their behavior
- holds feminism in a high standard where i give conversation on the issue at hand bravely mostly around misogyny towards women
