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@thechrisramos
can we skip the part where i cry?
Adderall feels like a magic carpet ride, but like through a VR headset. Except you canāt take the headset off after the ride is over. So you stare at darkness.
And while staring at darkness, you realize that the world that exists within the headset is not real, and that youāre just a character.
Then you feel guilty for having a personality that is not yours, so you stop taking the drug.
Then you crash.
Mentally, physically, and emotionally.
It's hard at first because you can barely open your eyes.Ā
All you want to do is sleep.
Youāre nostalgic.
Youāre only interestedĀ in learning about Pangea or the savanna.
Youāre eating nonstop.
Then youāre back to normal, and you want to go back.
To the crash.
Society has never done anything as a society.
So don't wonder what we can do as a society, wonder what you can do as an individual.
The last time society did something as a society was when that society consisted of one person.
Taylor Swiftās Evermore Review
This evening as I was stuck in traffic, driving back from holiday shopping all day for myself because let me tell you something if I donāt give myself something for Christmas, no one will. Anyway, there was not a lot going on at that moment, so I opened Facebook and was hit with great news: Taylor Swift was releasing YET ANOTHER ALBUM, a sister album to folklore named evermore.
Several hours later, at 11:11pm on December 10th, 2020 ā after wrapping up my workout for the day and taking a shower ā Iām tucked in bed, with a glass of cold water in hand, AirPods in (the pro ones obvi), about to listen to her newest album. So, letās review it.
willow
Ok, so the instruments are a little more pronounced right away, I suspected this already because the album artwork was in color instead of black and white.
I really liked this song, I donāt know what it is about alternative music that just hits me where it needs to (unlike any other genre), and Taylor is such a great songwriter that I can always feel the meaning in her words even if I donāt relate.
However, I can relate to this one. My favorite lyric:
The more you say The less I know Wherever you stray I follow
Iāve said this to a guy before lol, he ghosted me after three weeks. But those three weeks were everything. Heaven and hell. If you wanna learn more about him read my past posts, youāll find them right away.
Anyway, I donāt have a man right now, and I donāt want one, but like I said, I can feel the words.
champagne problems
Sadness.
You know what Iāve realized, and maybe everyone already knew this, but when going through a breakup a lot of the pain comes from the other person doing all the things we did together, but with someone else. Even if you were the one to break up the relationship, it still hurts. And this song is just that.
I cannot relate to this song personally because Iāve never done this to a person, but I do like to think that the shitty guy who obliterated my heart last January (yeah, the one I mentioned above) felt this way. Probs not.
Favorite lyrics:
Sheāll patch up your tapestry that I shred And hold your hand while dancing Never leave you standing
I really enjoyed the piano on this one.
gold rush
Ok, a poppy beat. I like it.
While folklore was mostly not about her life, so far evermore seems very personal, yet very relatable. Gold rush obviously refers to the California gold rush, and thousands (millions? I donāt know, I was educated in Texas) of people relocating to California so they could dig up some gold. Perceptibly, the gold in this case refers to her man, and how everyone wants him (at least in her head).
Favorite lyrics:
I donāt like slow motion double vision in rose blush
I just like how she can make any words fit. Like, how does she do it?
What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?
Something that we all wonder about hot people. This song is about the insecurity that comes with being in a relationship, which is why I donāt like being in relationships.
ātis the damn season
I like this one because it considers what a lot of us consider as well. The what if?
I donāt know if she wrote this one thinking about herself because as far as we know she is really happy with her man, and I really hope it stays that way. But when she says:
And the road not taken looks Real good now
Was she maybe wondering what life wouldāve been like with her hometown lover? I donāt know. But I mean we all definitely consider things like this at some point in our lives, not necessarily about hometown lovers, but about past ones.
Favorite lyrics:
You could call me ābabeā for the weekend āTis the damn season Write this down
I assume she means the holiday season because donāt we all wish we had someone during it, but like just for the āweekendā? I know I do, but no.
tolerate it
This song is about that looming feeling that takes over a lot of us after the āhoney moonā period at the beginning of a relationship is over. The moments where you start to consider whether something is a red flag or whether you are imagining it. I think it happens to everyone, but I donāt want to generalize.
Favorite lyrics:
If itās all in my head tell me now Tell me Iāve got it wrong somehow
_
While you were out building other worlds, where was I?
_
Now Iām begging for footnotes in the story of your life
For me, all of these lyrics show the insecurities that are typical in a relationship. Itās actually a little painful when you go through it, and itās almost like you want your partner to wear a bodycam so that you can see and hear every conversation they have, to listen to the way they say things, their tone of voice, compliments they give and to who, just every detail of their life.
It sucks to feel that way. Ā
no body, no crime (feat. HAIM)
Pop country?
This one is just really, like a lot to take in. Obviously, itās not about Taylor, but itās told by a person whose friend Este was āmurderedā (cheated on I assume); however, I think Este is singing the song. I donāt know, there are many ways you could interpret this story.
I was really impressed though by how it goes from:
But I aināt letting up until the day I die
to:
I wasnāt letting up until the day he Died
My assumption is that itās about cheating and seeing all the clues, but not having the evidence to prove it, but still avenging yourself in the end. I liked this song.
happiness
The song is a question, āhow does something great end?ā
āWe were so happy, when did it change?ā
You know, these are questions that you will ask yourself at some point in your life.
Iām just now realizing that evermore is about why being in a relationship sucks, maybe weāll get why being in a relationship is great with the rest of the songs, but so far Taylor is doing a great job at reminding me why I donāt want to be in a relationship, and perfect timing because ātis the damn season.
This song is the epitome of āeasier said than feltā:
Thereāll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you
No matter how many times you tell yourself this, when youāre going through a break up, this wonāt help because you want them to be your happiness.
Thereāll be happiness after me But there was happiness because of me
This one will hurt when your ex finds someone else because not only do they know that there is happiness after you, but they found the happiness after you.
Leave it all behind And there is happiness
Like I said, easier said than felt.
dorothea
The words we all wish our high school crush would say to us.
Do you ever stop and think about me?
Yes.
coney island (feat. The National)
I think we are entering the āponderingā songs, the ones where you donāt necessarily feel anything for the person, but youāre just thinking about them, and in the case of this song, all the ways you wronged them.
I have never done this to a person because nobody wants me lol. My favorite lyrics:
Will you forgive my soul When youāre to wise to trust me and too old to care?
I donāt know, thereās something honest about the question.
ivy
Are the songs getting more philosophical by now, or am I just dumb?
So far, this has been the song that I just cannot understand. Reading over the lyrics once again, I think this is a song about two separately married people having an affair, but not being able of letting go of each other even though they are āpromisedā to other people.
I donāt know, somebody enlighten me!
Favorite lyrics:
My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand Taking mine, but itās been promised to another
cowboy like me
Now Iām really doubting my mental capacity. What is a cowboy supposed to be like?
I think, and this might be completely wrong, this song is about being in the entertainment industry. About selling yourself within the industry as the ācream of the cropā, but knowing deep down you are not that, and then recognizing someone in the industry doing the same thing as you. You know, just two people going through life selling themselves as the best of the best, and finding comfort in having someone they can be their true selves with.Ā
Favorite lyrics:
Youāre a cowboy like me Perched in the dark Telling all the rich folks anything they wanna hear
long story short
Long story short, this is a song about falling and getting back up again.Ā
While I really like the lyrics in the end, when she says she survived the fall from the precipice, these resonated with me a little more:
I always felt I must look Better in the rear view
I take this to mean something along the lines of āthe idea of who I am looks better than who I actually am.ā I really identify with this thought because if you met me you would probably think that Iām just so chill and funny (not to toot my own horn lol), but if you got to know me youād pretty quickly realize I am anxiety-ridden and dislike people very much.
marjorie
For some reason I feel like this song is about a trans person, is that just me? Like, you were born again as Marjorie, and you have a dead name now, but the essence of who you are is not dead to me.Ā
Maybe not. I donāt know.
This could also be about losing the person you love, and wishing you had appreciated and enjoyed the times you spent with them a little more. This seems more like it.
I love that Taylorās writings can be interpreted in many ways, and you know itās all deliberate. Like she planned it like that. Ugh, her mind!
Favorite lyrics:
Never be so kind You forget to be clever Never be so clever You forget to be kind
For me this is a message on how you should keep a good balance in who you are. A reminder to not lose track of yourself.
closure
Well, this song is about closure. The whole first part of the song resonated so much with me because, going back to the guy that broke my heart back in January, well:
Itās been a long time And seeing the shape of your name Still spells out pain It wasnāt right The way it all went down
While I have gotten over him, the lyrics above mirror how I felt for a really long time even though our ārelationshipā only lasted three weeks (Iām not exaggerating). By the way, this guy and I were never official or anything.
Favorite lyrics:
It cut deep to know ya Right to the bone
This is still true. But yeah, I donāt need his closure (not that he would ever reach out), but I got my own closure, and thatās all that matters.
evermore (feat. Bon Iver)
And I couldnāt be sure I had a feeling so peculiar This pain wouldnāt be for Evermore
Coming back to closure and getting over a break up, thereās nothing more painful than the feeling you get when you get broken up with. Every day that you are not with this person, you think of new things you miss about them, and thatās what makes it painful. You keep telling yourself that youāll get over them, but as the days go by you start doubting whether that is true (btw itās true), and thatās why those lyrics are so significant.
Thoughts:
Well, I really liked this album just like I did folklore. I think Taylor is entering a new phase in her life. NOT a new era that goes with an album and ends when a new one comes out, but a new phase. That phase when you let go ofĀ the immature kidĀ inside of you, and start focusing on yourself instead of others. These past couple of albums have shown that. Iām not saying that Taylor was immature btw, or that she is no longer youthful, but she definitely has a more adult-like air about her.
She also makes it clear why she is the Apple Musicās Songwriter of the Year. Her lyrics are just magnificent, she is able to say so much in a few verses, and she, like, cuts so deep with paper-thin words. Itās impressive, and I definitely see her as poet (since forever).
Anyway, I hope yāall like the album as well, and I hope Taylor keeps making music because I definitely LOVE IT!
Make sure to stream and/or buy her latest album here:
Apple Music
Spotify
YouTube
i wanna be skinny so bad
Sorry not sorry
Today was the day that humanity couldāve been saved from the horrible year that weāve had, but it WONāT because of FAKE NEWS!
The heartbreak that a man named david made me go through unleashed a series of unfortunate events that have destroyed many lives
The race wars, WW3, a pandemic, and the inevitable death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg all happened because david played me and because it was my chinese zodiac year
My first date with david was at the dallas aquarium, and seeing this headline was a breath of relief for ALL OF YOU because my journey with david had finally come full circle
but when I did some investigative work I found that the aquarium thatās closing is not THE ONE WHERE WE WENT so now the world will not be saved, iām sorry I donāt make the rulesĀ
The dallas world aquarium better close right now or god knows what my unbalanced emotions will bring next. Nov 3?
A Stranger Walks into a Library
A stranger walks into the school library without saying a word.Ā
A stranger to me that is.Ā
The library is not very big, its glass doors are hidden under the main staircase of the school. Short, but long shelves await at the entrance full of books that will all be read, but not by the same person. Behind those shelves thereās the back wall of the room, itās just a big window that extends from floor to ceiling. Itās not quite that small though. That glass back wall extends another forty yards or so to the left, to where the library ends. Back there, bigger and taller shelves hold the rest of the fiction books that are not as popular, and the non-fiction books that have never been popular to begin with. In between the entrance and the tail of the library there lie eight circular tables, with the librarianās station to the left and several computers lined up against the glass wall to the right.
One of those tables is where Iām sitting on this day. Iām supposed to be eating lunch with all my friends, but Iām not, Iām at the library, sitting on this faux maple wood table, facing the entrance, with my U.S. history book open in front of me, my unfinished test review, a number two pencil, and no one around me. Iām flipping through the thin glossy pages of my book, probably looking for the name of a president that nobody cares about or the definition of a historical term, when a stranger walks into the library.
He is around six feet tall by my estimate, he has a full beard, he is wearing a letterman jacket and jeans, and he is the most handsome guy that Iāve ever seen around this school.
I canāt help but stare.
He stares back, not because he intended to do so, but because that is where his hazel eyes happened to land at that moment in time in 2013 during the last lunch of the day at Frisco High School, and they just happened to find mine staring right back. I quickly go back to my graphite-filled pages that I have yet to finish, but that is suddenly not important anymore.
After he walks past me and to the back of the library, I lose track of him. I could probably turn around and find what he is up to, but I donāt think about it. After all, at that point in time he is just another random guy that I think is cute, nothing else.
Nothing else will come of this, let me just say that.
After a few minutes, when the strangerās presence is no longer important to me, and when my ability to finish this review on time is again my biggest worry, a hand appears on the chair in front of me. I look up and itās the stranger.
Is this chair taken? he asks with a voice that I canāt remember, and I say:
No.
None of the chairs or tables around me are taken. Weāre the only ones here, he and the mean librarian and that skinny girl on the computer that I wonāt meet until next year in English class. The librarian will be here long after I graduate, but he... he will graduate Saturday, June eighth at seven thirty, and I will never see him again.
He pulls out the chair, breaking the silence in the room with the sliding of the chair against the tight blue carpet. Iāve always found the schoolās carpet strange, the fibers of nylon and polyester are so tightly woven together that it ends up being as hard as a tile nicer-looking floor would be.
Even as the handsome stranger plops his government book open on the faux maple wood table, a book which gives away his senior status, I still cannot believe that, for no apparent reason, he chose to sit with me. And because thereās no apparent reason, my mind starts running wild, perhaps even planning the wedding party that will come after the handsome stranger confesses his love for me on our third date, which will take place after one of his football games on the sidelines of the field at sunset, when the orange-red light hits the green grass, like it does in eighties movies just before the screen fades to black.
But for now, I pretend to go back to my review that still needs to get done by the end of lunch, which will come soon enough, but I donāt realize that yet. We sit there for what feels like forever, and in my mind he pretends to read his government book as he takes quick glances at me when Iām not looking, just as I am doing. I swear our eyes meet again, but I donāt remember whose eyes meet whose.
The bell rings.
We pack our things.
He leaves first.
I follow.
After we exit the library, he gets lost in the crowd. Forever.
Chromatica Written Reaction
Chromatica, Lady Gaga's newest album, is suddenly out and I am excited to listen.Ā
I have both Spotify and a free 3-month trial for Tidal, so I will listen on Tidal because they pay the artists more. I hope Tidal pays artists during the trial period. I bet they do or Taylor Swift wouldnāt have her catalog on there.
Here we go:
Chromatica I ā Good movie-esque intro. Short and good.Ā
Alice ā I donāt like the song, but I enjoy the song. The beat and the lyrics just make sense, but I donāt like it or dislike it.Ā
Stupid Love ā I didnāt really like Stupid Love when it came out, but now that I have listened to Rain on Me, Sour Candy, and Alice, Stupid Love just makes sense. It goes with the rest of the album. I guess this is a dance album.Ā
Rain on Me ā Rain on Me is growing on me, but I still donāt like the guitar at the beginning of the song. Thatās the only thing that I donāt like about the song, that guitar part. Otherwise the song is ok. The music video was fun to watch.Ā
Free Woman ā Song with a message thatās kind of corny. I hate the pre-chorus. Not having listened to the rest of the album, I assume all the tracks are pretty generic, but this one is super generic.Ā
Fun Tonight ā Giving me Disney Original Movie. This is a story of how she likes her fans, but suffered at the beginning of her career. Sheās using her Fame and Fame Monster voice, which is soft; young. I like the voice, but sheās using this song to tell the fans that The Fame and The Fame Monster are for us to enjoy.Ā
Chromatica II ā Good instrumental. It takes you to the movie theater. I mean I guess Chromatica is a story.Ā
911 ā Gave me an orgasm. The beginning. I love this song so much! Itās so pop. So catchy. Is she talking about drugs? I donāt know, Iām stupid. The transition between Chromatica II and 911 catches you by surprise, and itās magnificent. Sad part is that once you know itās coming, itās not as enjoyable.Ā
Plastic Doll ā The intro reminds me of Just Dance. This song is for Trixie Mattel. Iām still processing 911. This one is alright. Like Free Woman with the message, but not as explicit. Very long for what it is.Ā
Did I mention 911 was great? Fuck that song was great.Ā
Sour Candy ā Iāve been listening to Sour Candy all day, since she released it early today. I like it, this might get me into K-Pop. I also like that Lady Gaga doesnāt hog the entire song just because itās her album, and instead all the girls get their turn to sing. Same with Ariana Grande song. I want to listen to this song backwards, it probs has a subliminal message.Ā
Enigma ā She said āAUTOTUNE my voice right now, Ricky!ā Thereās a part that sounds like another song, yet no samples are credited. Anyway, this is an alright song. This album is very ARTPOP, but grown. I swear this is what ARTPOP 2 was going to be, but better. She had time to learn from ARTPOP.Ā
Replay ā Futuristic intro. 70ās chorus. Nice beat. This song is full of great sounds. I like it. I really like the mix of futuristic with old sounds. Just listen to it. I will probably replay.Ā
Chromatica III ā Another great instrumental. Letās see what this is going to lead us to. All Chromatica instrumentals transition into other songs.Ā
Sine From Above ā This one is with Elton, but he barely sings. I donāt like it. This is what these greats artists came up with? Good club music, but it sounds like any other club song. Damn, they said GarageBand at the end.Ā
1000 Doves ā This one is whatever. At this point all the songs are starting to sound the same. I feel like the piano demo of this song at the end of the album might be better than this one; however, thatās exclusive to Target, and Target is burning right now, and for good reason. Letās take a moment to remember that Black Lives Matter.Ā
Babylon ā Iām writing this before listening to the song because 1000 Doves is not it. Iām expecting a lot from this song because Rivers of Babylon by Boney M. is a great song, so for some reason I expect the same.Ā OH DAMN this sounds like Vogue by Madonna, but the Rusical version. Literally. Go listen to the Season 12 Rusical, the last song of the Rusical is very much this song. No joke. Itās not a good thing.Ā
Love Me Right ā Target exclusive. I feel like this is a ballad for her fans, and I havenāt heard it, but from the lyrics, it seems like it could be like Dope from ARTPOP, but the version she sang at the iHeart Radio concert before ARTPOP came out. That version of Dope was better than the album one.Ā
1000 Doves (Piano Demo) ā Target exclusive. Like I said, the piano is more fitting for this song.Ā
Stupid Love (Vitaclub Warehouse Remix) ā Target exclusive. I donāt really like remixes, but this one could be good since the point of this album is dance music. I just found it on YouTube, and itās the type of song that is played in the background of a Netflix show as a character makes her way through a club as she loses awareness of the stuff going on around her.Ā
So, as a whole this album is good. Itās not her best, but I do like some of the songs in it. My rating for it is 7/10.
Giving Up On Love
I donāt remember what time it was, but it was night time. I block him on Grindr, right in from of him. He says itās sad. I believe it. I say goodbye, try to drag it out, he gets in his car, he really wants to go. I get in my car, I go to Snapchat and block him. I can still see his score. I unfriend him. I look over, heās on his phone, planning a Grindr hook up. Thatās sad, but I donāt care. Iām relieved. Maybe faking it a little.
I put the car on drive, and start driving home. Listening to music that I still love. Surprised that I donāt feel bad about this quasi-breakup. I will later, for the next month. This is when I realize he didnāt mean any of the things he said. He was just saying things to make me feel special. Later, to make me feel comforted. Like when a moribund is told that everything will be ok. But I didnāt die, and can now ponder back to those moments. Realizing that men are trash even in the most beautiful moments.
A pandemic hits, putting things into perspective. Was this boy really all that? Definitely not. Love and obsession blind. I was blind to the two daughters, the wife, the hookup app pulled up in front of me. I was obsessed. I knew it, and I kept it going. Love and obsession make you ignore red flags, but self-obsession makes you believe that he will change one day because you are the one. You are not the one. I was not the one.
The reason why it didnāt hurt when I was driving away was because I was the one that ended it, the one that had control. The reason why it hurt later was because I realized that he was giving me this control. He knew I needed it, and he said what I wanted to hear, and he did what I wanted him to do. The reason why it hurt later was not because I couldnāt have him, but because I was not the one.
Now, I say Iāve given up on love. I tell myself that theyāre not looking for the same things Iām looking for. It hurts less than admitting that no matter what, Iām not getting them.Ā