My Socials: https://msha.ke/jacksstuff#links
🍄 Jack 🌼 18+ ✨ he/they 🌈 Artist 💕 Writer 🔮 Hellenist 🏺
📜Ao3: QueerFledglingVampire 🌈 Some Adult content ‼️
DMs are CLOSED if you're not already in them.
(Everything below here is a WIP)
🌿 Herbalist and Druid 🧝🏻♀️
💙 Achillean/Demi 💜
🏛️ Worship 📜
🦌Veles 🐦⬛Drud 🐐Lucifer
🦋Thanatos 🪽Hypnos 🪢Moros
🛡️Ares 💗Aphrodite 🌄Apollo 🪦Hecate
I have been rather inactive for the past 3 months & received a lot of notifs about it. I won't be able to answer all of them, sorry for that.
Here's my attempt to try & lay open a little why I've been gone and what the coming months will bring. I have pondered long how to write this in the least hurtful way, while also expressing my own emotions & experiences.
Those of you, who have followed my journey on pretty much any other page, probably know that I'm chronically ill with autoimmune disease, homebound since over a decade, that I got cardiovascular damage as a side effect & that since 2021/22 my condition severely worsened & often leaves me mostly bedridden for weeks at a time. I shared about the numerous surgeries & medical treatments I had in the past year, how I've slowly lost the ability to digest food before & require parenteral nutrition via an IV port since September '23.
As well as how I tested positive for GI cancer in March. I've been waiting for an appointment to remove growths, cauterize multiple ulcers & take tissue samples to test for malignant cells since & been gone for a 6 week long hospital stay with a number of surgeries after September 16th & was taking time to recover from that since.
My mental health has gone really bad in the past year as well, for a number of other reasons but also this. I've experienced the biggest cptsd relapse I've had in the past 20 years in the past 14 months.
I went from stable & happy, despite my illness and a low-contact situation with family, after almost 2 decades of therapy & inner child healing to escape and recover from an abusive childhood home; keeping my cortisol low and my nervous system calm to prevent further autoimmune flares & to be able to cope with my fatigue enough to do my work and happily make art and write...
...to the point where since about a year I'm in the middle of a full blown relapse of complex PTSD, severe depression and anxiety that has little to do with my offline life. Despite numerous attempts to resolve or remove myself from the underlying situation in order to preserve my well-being and safety, requesting acute intense psychiatric care during hospital stays more than 8 times, as well as consulting regular therapy sessions in social psychiatric help centres since January and ultimately return to therapy since June, I've only started to experience relief more recently.
🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐
And this is where the good news start!
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In the past 2 months, I have finally been able to take care of myself, my work, household and hobbies & properly rest again, without constant exposure to anxiety inducing situations.
And while the time in which I had surgery was still horrendous for a number of situations related to this, I have at least started chemotherapy now, without having to constantly fear that something terrible will happen again when I'm most vulnerable right before, during or right after my treatments or other crisis in my private life.
So far the treatment is effective, even though I have all the unpleasant side effects that come with it.
Overall my life is much calmer now and I don't live in constant anxiety anymore, which is a huge win for me.
Moving forward, I want to return to doing things that are good for me & were originally intended for this blog, now that I can finally rest, heal, take care of my health and actually thrive & be productive at my own pace in peace.
So despite the fact that I won't be super active, here are my plans for the future:
Make more original art and art dedicated to my own passions and projects again and actually post them. I had started a series on learning to do folkloric art as well as a series on intrudcing MBTI personalities, glimpses into their lives, lots of research, writing small articles and doing my own art for this, in 2022.
Return to my passion projects from 2022/2023 (all NSFW):
- My 9-pieced fanfiction series "Lestat's Lovers" and Art for it
- My 8-pieced fanfic series "Things I didn't tell Thetis"
- My 4-pieced series "To love a thing Death can touch"
I have wanted to continue writing for a long time. The plot for the first one has been with me for 17 years & is deeply intertwined with my internal universe. I've always hungered to write & share it with the world with the art I used to make for it, but never finished or even started. It was devastating to be unable to do that for so long.
Post about my journey as a native practitioner of Bohémien Romani Culture, Slavo-Celtic Shaman-/Druidism and Kabbalistic Judaism, as well as the taught believes of Hellenism, Christianity and Christian Satanism in the past 20+ years, present and future.
Translate & publish the vast knowledge I've assembled about herbs & other natural substances, their uses in historic and folk medicine, magic, alchemy, spirituality, etc, their historic significance and much more. It's been a big interest since my childhood, I was taken on hikes to collect herbs & materials for homemade remedies and other things and taught how to make them from scratch, since I could be taken out in a baby sling.
Make blog posts about my culture, including its folklore, mythology, rites, magic etc. and post them here.
(I borrowed books about this from the library, so I can give reading recommendations and cite interesting sources! :D)
Create a side blog about my music recommendations, as I'm very passionate about a lot of genres and want to keep things more sorted. <3
Stop being scared to make posts for my mental health & healing journey again, even if they might still get misinterpreted. I can't take the responsibility to manage others' perception & emotions or literally anything else they should work out themselves.
Today I stole pears off an ownerless tree.
No harm done. Every year they fall and rot.
But I am not a tall person. I am very small.
I stole 10 pears and wanted to leave.
A tall man stepped up to me.
He told me: Hold my beer, little one.
Then he climbed the tree for me
And together we robbed the entire tree.
Later, when he came down
We split the loot and I realized he isn't
Speaking my language so very well.
"Do you have 50 cents?", he asked me.
Then he told me, how he is a daywage worker
For the construction zone down the street
From Romania.
And since it has rained the entire week,
He has been stranded here, with no work
Or money for just as long.
He was drunk. Drunk with paint splatter
On his hands and clothes.
And a beer and no money.
Just like the man who raised me had been.
In this moment I did not care about anything.
He was kind and broke.
I know what that feels like.
I gave him the last 10 bucks I could have spent
This week, because I too am kind and broke.
And we stole pears together.
And he cried and kissed my hand.
"Why do you do this?", he asked.
And I told him, it's because he is a good man.
And now I'm stuck with more than 60 pears
That I can't even eat and another soul out there
That I'll never see again, who's life touched with mine
And we made each other happy in a way
That so many won't understand and frown upon.
I will dry those pears and love the light
Of this experience all winter long. ❤️
“Lie close,” Laura said,
Pricking up her golden head:
“We must not look at goblin men,
We must not buy their fruits:
Who knows upon what soil they fed
Their hungry thirsty roots?”
A wolf goes for a walk in the woods and meets a dog for the first time
Some art I made for @liminalandlace 's birthday.
Thank you for being by my side daily for almost 2 years atp. 💕
You're the bestest witch, healer, shneepy game companion and have brought so much joy and laughter to my life in this time.
May your days be numerous and may your beautiful soul thrive and shine as it deserves. 💕
Picture of a hand (@liminalandlace 's) holding an orb of light, pink, sparkling and filled with symbols, such as a key, triple moon and pentagram. Handmade digital art, no AI was used.
lestat calling nicki his “bipolar boyfriend” breaks my heart because what do you MEAN nicki died before he had a name for what he was feeling and why he was feeling it, let alone any treatment for it?? what do you MEAN lestat learned the term as it came about in the 20th century and recognized it in the memories of his dead first love????????? what do you MEANNNN
All this discourse about Alex taking away or replacing Daniels relationship with Armand when I fear he will be replacing Armands relationship with Nicki instead... My love had his crazy eyes on max in that last scene.
The words began to pour out of me as they had out of him, and soon we were talking about a thousand things we had felt in our hearts, varieties of secret loneliness, and the words seemed to be essential words the way they did on those rare occasions with my mother. And as we came to describe our longings and dissatisfactions, we were saying things to each other with great exuberance, like “Yes, yes,” and “Exactly,” and “I know completely what you mean,” and “And yes, of course, you felt that you could not bear it,” etc.
—THE VAMPIRE LESTAT
and i thought, why not ride it to blindness? 'cause it seemed possible this was the muddy bottom, and on the other side, a marble floor polished to the horizon.
music, in its purest expression, would make me worse. and then make me better.
