The College Board

Satire

[thecollegeboardblog]

guess who’s back to interrupt your summer

[bookofneilpatrickharris]

My favorite mode of transportation is tap dancing.

[farmers-against-thespians]

Get on a tractor for once in your life you sickening theater person

[thecollegeboardblog]

URL CHANGE

due to eyeroll-inducing threats wrought by everyone’s favorite nonprofit, thecollegeboardofficial is now thecollegeboardblog

Never stop fighting the man, kiddos. 

Now get back to studying for your SATs. 

[thecollegeboardblog]

David Coleman, if you are reading this (which you probably are since you reported us)- you're tacky and we hate you

[thecollegeboardblog]

A Little Music

🎶'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free/ SATs are neither of these 🎶

[thecollegeboardblog]

Fun Fact #47: you will only be able to fill out the Common App between 11:58 and 11:59 pm on August 1st. Make sure to have spreadsheets ready so you can use your 1 minute window efficiently

[andrewlloydwebkinz]

A moment of silence for that one time the College Board almost made an AP Theatre course which in turn would have led to standardized theatre curriculum that would ironically squash the creative self-expression at the very core of theatre

Projects would have included nationally standardized monologue topics (“Write a scene where you are at McDonald’s”) and a literal written AP Theatre Exam

[thecollegeboardblog]

me: *raises hand* does hell award ap credit

satan: no, but certain departments will allow you to experience a more advanced level of eternal punishment

satan: you usually want a 4 or 5 for that

[someblondkidfromflorida-deactiv]

I can’t believe this

[thecollegeboardblog]

We apologize for the inaccuracy of that last post. Even the College Board can mess up on counting. Sometimes it's number of followers, sometimes it's the timing of an entire SAT test section. Same difference.

[laerpls]

And then satan asked me whether I had fun in hell

[thecollegeboardblog]

What, too soon? 😈

[thecollegeboardblog]

The SAT was created by a noted racist and anti-immigrant activist who had previously written difficult, biased exams intended to prevent immigrants from becoming citizens. Happy test day!!

[gotocollegebutnevergrowup]

When you’re graduating next week but College Board won’t go away

[thecollegeboardblog]

Your lack of ability to appreciate basic instructions is offensive

[historys-hoe]

AP Gothic

You open the test booklet. The first page is formulas. The second page is formulas. They’re all formulas. You can’t find the questions. Everyone around you is diligently working. You flip through the booklet but all of it is formulas. They consume you.

“Close your booklet and stop working.” Pencils sound as they hit the desk. Time is called. Time doesn’t answer. Where is it? It is lost. You are all lost.

You are told to seal the multiple choice question booklet. The white labels don’t fit properly in the designated sections. None of this fits. You may never discuss these questions. They no longer exist. They never existed. Ryan tried to fight back. They drag him away. Ryan never existed either.

The test references AP students in it. Haha. The test is very funny. Laugh. College Board wants you to laugh. College Board just wants to be friends. College Board is very friendly. College Board beckons you closer. Closer. They are very funny. L A U G H

You may only use black or blue ink. Your pen breaks. The ink spills everywhere. Milky black liquid falls over everything you knew and loved. The College Board confiscates it. “How can we accurately assess your skills without gathering all your materials?” They smile. You never noticed they had so many teeth before. 

The proctor reads the instructions and you begin writing. The proctors circle you. They lean over your test and make disapproving noises. They are hunting. They pick out the weak. You will be next. 

[thecollegeboardblog]

You open your AP score report in July, but there are no numbers listed next to your exams. Instead, there are phrases, phrases that swim in your confused mind: you earned a score of "Corruption" for Art History, and next to Calculus BC is the word "Pain". "Fear". "Uncertainty"."Hatred". These are the scores you have earned. These are the scores that define you.

[gran-tired]

The year is 2056. A child enters the AP euro exam. They open the orange booklet. DBQ: Analyze the reasons and results of Putin’s ban on memes in the year 2015

[6nut]

I’m gonna fight collegeboard whos with me

[thecollegeboardblog]

Bring. It. On.

[thecollegeboardblog]

Fun Fact #46: you get bonus points if you reference at least 1 meme on the AP Comp exam