A mess of thoughts about a ceramic man
Something about T that makes me feel trepidatious, is that he really presents as silly and guarded with his Matthew mcConahay (sp?) voice, never ever really giving me an honest read or review to depict his feelings.
It makes me feel like I’m talking to someone’s brother or cousin with a certain level of polite familiarity instead of my friend.
It feels like we’re both in the room with the same person without having any personal closeness.
You asked me to speak about you and T at your wedding but to be honest in the last 5 years I’ve gotten to see him as a man who loves you and reveals himself to you, but he doesn’t reveal himself to me so it’s difficult to speak about him as a person when he keeps his personhood to himself.
I don’t get the open-ended version of him. I get the generous, courteous polite version who offers to help and likes to organize the logistics and dote lovingly on my best friend.
Which is okay as that is what he has offered in our time together. I get the version of him that wants to watch sports in the hot tub or at dinner.
The version who plays the game because he knows how you want him to answer the question with me around. I always assumed it was because he’s more traditional in that he shares his inner world with his wife, not his friends.
I observe a man who loves you deeply and at times tolerates me or is anxious around D so he just kind of does what he needs to do to navigate the conversation and doesn’t offer anything of his own unless he’s sharing about his mom, really. I feel like I see glimpses of his inner world when he talks about his mom.
So it’s hard to really know him, or understand what kind of friendship he wants. I know there’s a version of him that’s really good with family, with your mom, with your brother. with his close friends.
I can tell he feels really rigid around me and D. I feel a complicated layering of feelings about this. With D I understand why, they used to tease him in the past because they have very very few safe and secure relationships with men. Therefore their tolerance for men and male socialization to offer limited insight into preferences or personhood is really low.
I feel like I have a higher capacity than D and more patience while being as patient and interested as I can while still remaining authentic. A part of me doesn’t understand what his reservations are with me. I’m on his side, and I’ve been on his side.
I see his love for you and I see your love for him.
I enjoy when he’s with us. Even when he’s half invested in the activity, movie or meal we’re having, I still enjoy his presence and appreciate when he feels like sharing and contributing. I try not to push him and meet him where he’s at. On the other hand, I can sense when he’s just there to make his wife happy because it pleases you.
He doesn’t have to be best friends with D just because they are my partner. But I do wish there was more of an effort for a friendship between us.
Ive felt frustration after our last conversation where my mom spoke out of turn and out of context. I know she misrepresented and reduced whatever I told her to “p doesn’t like T very much”. Which is very annoying and untrue .
However, It frustrates me that my friend is worried that I wouldn’t be able to talk about the two of you as a couple when the reality is, I could talk about you and T as a lovely couple, just not about T as a friend.
In these conversations where we’re yapping and he feels “singled out” I’m not sure why especially after 5 years of knowing each other.
It’s not my job to make him feel more comfortable, as there are plenty of men that I have great relationships with who show mutual interest in a friendship.
I know it frustrates you that he shows up on conversation with canned responses that reveal a lack of interest or care. I’ve grown to just expect it and see that’s where he’s at and what he wants to share. He’s a grown up and I’m not going to fish for a level of investment that he’s not interested in.
The way his communication lands on D resembles feigned interest. You once said he views me like a little sister, and I think that kind of sits with me as he thinks I’m not his peer, just someone that he kind of puts up with and loves cause we’re family.
He doesn’t really want to come to things we invite him to. I feel like he tolerates time with me or spends time with us for you.
But it’s very clear to me that there’s a separation of friendship.
Blah blah blah
