StoryTime: How I found out I was Aromantic along with being Asexual.
So, I was in a relationship with a long time friend of mine. When we started dating, I already knew at that point that I was Asexual (not Aromantic, maybe a story for another time). So, when this "friend" of mine confessed, I agreed. I had various "crushes" throughout my life, and so I was sure that I could feel romantic attraction.
Fast forward a few months, we hadn't seen each other for a few months due to lockdown. Cool. We were chatting over text, video calls, voice messages, all that jazz. One thing that I had noticed though, was that he had started writing explicit texts sometimes. At first I ignored them, and when it didn't stop, I made sure to come out to him repeatedly, emphasizing the fact that I was, in fact, a sex-repulsed Ace.
The texts reduced, but never fully stopped. Eventually, I started to go along with it, thinking that if I didn't, then it would be the end of our relationship. So a few more months into this, he starts saying "stuff" over the phone, obviously expecting a reply. He dubbed those conversations between us my "awkward silences", because that is what they were. Awkward silences because I didn't know what to say.
Sometimes, I even replied. Tried saying things that made me uncomfortable to keep the relationship going. This kept going for a while. His explicit messages and conversations kept increasing and I kept either ignoring them or forcing myself to answer in a similar manner. (Still thought I liked him then.)
One day, after about 2 years of our "relationship", I was talking to a friend who was in a relationship. She and another boy in my class were a cute couple. I was teasing her about how I saw "literal flowers bloom" around them whenever they were together. She asked me about my boyfriend which I, without realising, answered with a disgusted face and told her about.
When I mentioned that I hadn't seen him in over 2 years, she looked shocked and said that she would never be able to do it. I, in a moment of vulnerability and frustration, complained about how I thought this whole "romantic relationship" thing was overrated. I said that I could understand why it was so hard for allos but for me, someone not interested in romance, it was kind of a relief that I don't meet him. (Realisation 1) The other person, bless them, comforted me and supported me (because I had accidentally come out to her.) She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone else and hasn't to this day.
Later in the day, I was talking to my best friend when we started chatting about how I didn't like romance. My friend, who had caught into what it might mean, started questioning me. Showed me videos, searched the net with me, and asked me questions. She told me repeatedly that I probably was Aromantic, but I ignored her.
That night, I didn't sleep. I kept thinking of what I wanted from this "relationship" of mine and if I was even happy and comfortable. I just couldn't imagine myself doing anything romantic with my boyfriend or anyone else.
My boyfriend and I finally went on a date, after things started opening up. All day, I was uncomfortable, with his advances, and my constant thought that I was not Aromantic.
When I did come to terms with the fact that I was Aromantic, I started searching for if there were exceptions to this. If I could still like someone. I was in denial of the fact that I could have a "made-up" romantic love for my boyfriend. (I had enjoyed us being together when we were friends so it didn't make sense to me.)
To make a long story short, it took nights of crying, days of guilt, and finally my best friend talking to me for three hours, to make me face the fact I am Aromantic. Aroace to be exact, with absolutely no interest in any romantic or sexual relationships. It then took three more weeks for me to break up with my boyfriend, and we are still not on speaking terms. The guilt that I basically lead him on for two years still eats away at me.
Conclusion: If my surroundings had not been so romance and sex focused, with more awareness and support towards Aromantism and Asexuality, then I could have saved my ex-boyfriend (now probably ex-friend too) a lot of hurt, and saved myself two years of my life that I spent trying to deny my orientation and all the discomfort and pain that came with it. The media needs more representation for Asexual and Aromantic people, whether someone is one or the other, or both.
My ex-boyfriend and I are still not on speaking terms right now, and I fear I have lost a great friend for good. I never blamed him for not understanding my discomfort either because I didn't understand it myself. The only thing I would blame him for is the fact that he did not back off when I said no (though he never did anything physically without my consent).
What I want to say is, don't feel like you have to pretend to be in a successful relationship, because that won't be a "relationship" at all. Be who you are, whether Aromantic or Asexual, or both. I personally know many people who would pretend like I did and waste their lives away.
I understand. I do. And that is why, I will say, that you need to accept who you are. If you don't feel like hugging someone (I am touch averse as well) then don't. If you don't want to have explicit conversations then don't. If you want to watch Netflix in nothing but comfy clothes while stuffing yourself with garlic bread and cake, do it! Want to hug and kiss people platonically? Do it!
Don't let lack of representation and others' unnecessary opinions make you repress your true self. I will forever be grateful for my friend who saw through my denial, and sorry to my ex-boyfriend who I am sure I hurt more than once.
If this helps even a single person, it will have been worth sharing <3 Proud of and love all of you LGBTQIA+ folks.
Happy pride month!🌈 💜💜💜🖤🖤🖤🌈
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