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Aroaces do not speak for everyone in the Acommunity.
Aroaces are not the most marginalized group. Pushing this narrative of inclusion has reached the extent of erasure for more marginalized aspec identities.
Pushing this narrative of “lithromantic is included under aro” or “aro includes lithromantic” makes me feel like I’m not being heard as a lithro, who uses the lithro label + flag and doesn’t feel included. I feel like aroaces are trying to erase my identity and replace it with the aro label. “Aro awareness”-only doesn’t result in more awareness or visibility for my lithro label. Infact, “speaking over” lithros/arospecs/aspecs who don’t use the aro/aroace label, is a problem. It invalidates people and results in more exclusive awareness for the aro + aroace labels, and none for labels that desperately need awareness, like lithromantic, frayromantic, and fraysexual.
[Image description: The words, "AROS & ACES belong in OUR SPACES," coloured using the colours of the aromantic pride flag, asexual pride flag, and the 9-stripe Gilbert Baker pride flag. The text is overlaid on a blurry image of lavender flowers.]
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i was inspired to make a text graphic based on one of my first and most popular posts
Ranting about aroace exclusionists a bit: tl:dr my issue is not even the exclusion at this point, it's the lack of respect for ace and/or aro experiences and identity.
Saw one of those whole "should aces belong in queer spaces" debates making the rounds and it got me thinking about some exclu points like. Notably one I kept seeing was along the lines of not feeling safe in queer spaces with "straight" people and like. Okay. We have different ideas of queerness but I sympathize with the sentiment even if I disagree. But it got me thinking about how, if a space is mostly exclusionist towards aces and aros... why would we (aces and/or aros) be there anyway?
Like, I as a queer person (nonbinary and romantically ??? Something not straight) and also as an ace, I know I wouldn't be comfortable in a space like that, even if my more acceptably queer identities were fine there. Because in my experience exclus, kind or not, aren't understanding enough of ace experiences to where I could see that part of me being accepted enough to be open about it.
If any exclus read this for whatever reason: are you as normal about aces and aros as you think? Do you *actually listen* to us? Bc most I've encountered 1) don't have pretty basic definitions of identities on those spectrums correct (aromantic is never mentioned? Gray or demi labels? Hell half the time the definition of ace is wrong), and by extension downplay and dismiss ace and aro experiences. Not even just about like, people being bullied or the more oppressive experiences like that. But like, do you realize that being ace and/or aro can just affect everyday shit?? Shows and movies I like and why are affected by this. The way I practice my religion is affected by my aceness. It is, in fact, an important part of me that is reflected in everything I do. And AVEN is a website, guys. Cmon.
My point is, why would I waste time in a space where the people (no matter how many times you say "aces are valid!!! Just not lgbt") consistently show a complete lack of care or willingness to actually learn about or understand mine and other's experiences? Why would I feel comfortable or safe, even, being in a group that not only doesn't understand asexuality, but isn't willing to try (as friends, comrades, community, etc) to understand me, as an asexual person?
I'm not invading exclu lgbt spaces because I have better friends and allies than that. I have better places to be.
And if you're exclusionist and me asking/saying these things bothers you, maybe make a better effort to be allies to aces and aros. Because for all your talk about us and your valid posts I don't see you making an effort for us. Do better!! Prove me wrong!! Make me eat my angry words!! Want us out? Support ace and aro spaces then! Get our fucking words right! Listen to us!
Karma: im tired of aces being seen as the innocent, naive, uWu identity. I think we should be more unhinged. Nagisa?
Nagisa: Karma, put the knife away.
Fluffy Ace
A term for when you are on the ace spectrum and are also fat/chubby/fluffy.
(I like to use “fluffy” as a cute way to say fat/chubby, I usually say it while describing myself)
This term is meant to create pride and to help normalize being fat/chubby because no one should have to feel ashamed of their weight/size.
Coined by: @arcticflowerz
Do NOT call someone a fluffy ace unless you know they are okay with it/they already identify as it. Do NOT use this term as a way to discriminate against fat/chubby ace people.
Also, do not repost my flags/the things I coin with out credit.
This term can be used by any ace person that is fat/chubby. I do not support ace/aro exclusionism.
Here’s the links to the Fluffy Aroace, Fluffy Aro, Fluffy Aqueerplatonic, and Fluffy Asensual versions.
StoryTime: How I found out I was Aromantic along with being Asexual.
So, I was in a relationship with a long time friend of mine. When we started dating, I already knew at that point that I was Asexual (not Aromantic, maybe a story for another time). So, when this "friend" of mine confessed, I agreed. I had various "crushes" throughout my life, and so I was sure that I could feel romantic attraction.
Fast forward a few months, we hadn't seen each other for a few months due to lockdown. Cool. We were chatting over text, video calls, voice messages, all that jazz. One thing that I had noticed though, was that he had started writing explicit texts sometimes. At first I ignored them, and when it didn't stop, I made sure to come out to him repeatedly, emphasizing the fact that I was, in fact, a sex-repulsed Ace.
The texts reduced, but never fully stopped. Eventually, I started to go along with it, thinking that if I didn't, then it would be the end of our relationship. So a few more months into this, he starts saying "stuff" over the phone, obviously expecting a reply. He dubbed those conversations between us my "awkward silences", because that is what they were. Awkward silences because I didn't know what to say.
Sometimes, I even replied. Tried saying things that made me uncomfortable to keep the relationship going. This kept going for a while. His explicit messages and conversations kept increasing and I kept either ignoring them or forcing myself to answer in a similar manner. (Still thought I liked him then.)
One day, after about 2 years of our "relationship", I was talking to a friend who was in a relationship. She and another boy in my class were a cute couple. I was teasing her about how I saw "literal flowers bloom" around them whenever they were together. She asked me about my boyfriend which I, without realising, answered with a disgusted face and told her about.
When I mentioned that I hadn't seen him in over 2 years, she looked shocked and said that she would never be able to do it. I, in a moment of vulnerability and frustration, complained about how I thought this whole "romantic relationship" thing was overrated. I said that I could understand why it was so hard for allos but for me, someone not interested in romance, it was kind of a relief that I don't meet him. (Realisation 1) The other person, bless them, comforted me and supported me (because I had accidentally come out to her.) She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone else and hasn't to this day.
Later in the day, I was talking to my best friend when we started chatting about how I didn't like romance. My friend, who had caught into what it might mean, started questioning me. Showed me videos, searched the net with me, and asked me questions. She told me repeatedly that I probably was Aromantic, but I ignored her.
That night, I didn't sleep. I kept thinking of what I wanted from this "relationship" of mine and if I was even happy and comfortable. I just couldn't imagine myself doing anything romantic with my boyfriend or anyone else.
My boyfriend and I finally went on a date, after things started opening up. All day, I was uncomfortable, with his advances, and my constant thought that I was not Aromantic.
When I did come to terms with the fact that I was Aromantic, I started searching for if there were exceptions to this. If I could still like someone. I was in denial of the fact that I could have a "made-up" romantic love for my boyfriend. (I had enjoyed us being together when we were friends so it didn't make sense to me.)
To make a long story short, it took nights of crying, days of guilt, and finally my best friend talking to me for three hours, to make me face the fact I am Aromantic. Aroace to be exact, with absolutely no interest in any romantic or sexual relationships. It then took three more weeks for me to break up with my boyfriend, and we are still not on speaking terms. The guilt that I basically lead him on for two years still eats away at me.
Conclusion: If my surroundings had not been so romance and sex focused, with more awareness and support towards Aromantism and Asexuality, then I could have saved my ex-boyfriend (now probably ex-friend too) a lot of hurt, and saved myself two years of my life that I spent trying to deny my orientation and all the discomfort and pain that came with it. The media needs more representation for Asexual and Aromantic people, whether someone is one or the other, or both.
My ex-boyfriend and I are still not on speaking terms right now, and I fear I have lost a great friend for good. I never blamed him for not understanding my discomfort either because I didn't understand it myself. The only thing I would blame him for is the fact that he did not back off when I said no (though he never did anything physically without my consent).
What I want to say is, don't feel like you have to pretend to be in a successful relationship, because that won't be a "relationship" at all. Be who you are, whether Aromantic or Asexual, or both. I personally know many people who would pretend like I did and waste their lives away.
I understand. I do. And that is why, I will say, that you need to accept who you are. If you don't feel like hugging someone (I am touch averse as well) then don't. If you don't want to have explicit conversations then don't. If you want to watch Netflix in nothing but comfy clothes while stuffing yourself with garlic bread and cake, do it! Want to hug and kiss people platonically? Do it!
Don't let lack of representation and others' unnecessary opinions make you repress your true self. I will forever be grateful for my friend who saw through my denial, and sorry to my ex-boyfriend who I am sure I hurt more than once.
If this helps even a single person, it will have been worth sharing <3 Proud of and love all of you LGBTQIA+ folks.
Happy pride month!🌈 💜💜💜🖤🖤🖤🌈
It is forever amusing and baffling to me when ace exclusionists complain about TERFs only to then use TERF rhetoric against aces and aros. Including, but not limited to:
“aces/aros aren’t LGBT because they don’t have our sacred shared experiences”
“why don’t they just make their own community and leave us alone?”
*weird comment about autistic people that implies autistic people can’t think for themselves*
“Just Let Kids Be Kids”
“The transes aroaces are tricking kids into thinking they’re trans aroace when in reality they’re gay/lesbian, and I know this for certain even though I have never met this hypothetical child.”
“you being proud of and happy with your identity is an attack on me, personally, and by extension my entire community”
“your identity is homophobic, no I won’t explain how”
“This movement is actually mostly straight people trying to push their way into gay spaces” “-that’s actually not true and didn’t you just say that aces are just manipulated gays?” “How dare you apply logic to my assholery.”
For the record, I do think TERFs are worse than ace exclusionists in that they are influencing policy and lawmaking, but how many similarities do you have to have before you realise?
