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I'm so close to the fulfillment of my loved ones' prayers that it scares me to accept that God really has plans for me. Let it be heard for my life has been nothing but fleeting without His guidance. Let it ring for eternity that I submit to the inner workings He has laid.

If not what I ask, let it be what I need.

Quod meum est, occidere vellem.

What is it that wakes me up in the morning?

What is that keeps me up all night?

The story of a love that's never ending

Only to be taken out of sight.

For men pursue what seems eternal;

A journey only few return

And yet, they remain delusional

In the end, men could only mourn.

What lies ahead, remains a question

Of what is there to find.

Yet we so reap, we sow, this utter fixation

Makes us all weary in the mind.

So inspiration has now been bare

And reason, left to fluttering pieces

Yet it is but one who's love I'll bear

Until the morrow, my life ceases

What wakes me up in the morning

Is what makes me miserable at night.

A bedtime tale of a love unending

That only I have yet to fight.

There's something about being alone that makes you miss being bothered.

Getting acclimated to Vietnamese coffee. (at Check In Coffee) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_qU0BOpxpiHnCwja-O_tAnigLcvpgKTLFMFGw0/?igshid=hxg98h8effri

It's the anniversary I always deserved.

When I was a kid, I always felt like I wasn't part of the family. My older brother needed to be supervised every so often, sister's the only rose, while the youngest was, well, the youngest. Middle child, indeed. With this, I gained so much liberty to do things I like without your constant follow up. Later in life, that was supposed to be my training ground for independence and self-sufficiency. Yet, you are the only semblance of home and I grew fonder of you as years grew older.

When I was a teen, I was a wrecking machine. I spat words that hurt you and papa. I did things I regret, and worse, didn't do things I regret. Still, you prayed for me. Harder than ever. And while I somehow grew far from the life I once knew, I knew deep within I wasted years which could have been more memorable. Later in life, that was supposed to give me the karma I deserve. Yet, you still loved me more than ever.

When I was a younger adult, I thought I knew what life was. With the knowledge I gained, I grew arrogant. Abusive. Proud. I slacked off, broke down, and pitied my self for a shit ton of things I put myself in. I waltz in madness and grew more distant, denying myself of the importance of your presence. Later in life, I made you cry harder, made you worry more, made you sadder. Yet, you welcomed me with open arms amidst the terrible pain of seeing a lost son getting hurt.

When I left the country, and everytime I leave you, I knew you cried.

When I broke myself, I knew you cried.

When I hurt other people, I knew you cried.

When other people hurt me, I knew you cried.

And everytime you do, I knew and felt a love like no other. A love truly given by a mother.

I am far from perfect. You've seen the worst in me.

Yet you believe the best is yet to come. For me. For all of us.

Happy birthday to the love of my papa, the bungangera of Camella, the mother of three crazy weirdos and an ugly egghead. Grandmother to Bubeks and Ms. Congeniality of all cliques you're in. My life, along with those you have touched, has never been brighter because you are in it.

I love you.

P.S. shoutout to Maria Lyra I. Alejado, Victoria Marie B. Juan, and all other people who were with my mom in raising us up. Magbigay-pugay sa kaarawan ng aking nanay.

And she comes to me like a favorite memory of yesterday so far away.

And she comes to me like an eternal repose of feelings that never die.

And here I am. Still waiting for when she comes to me.

Like she always did.

Writing memoirs has never been this fun. #eggheadchronicles (at Hoian Ancient Town - Phố cổ Hội An) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7S_s-SAZh_mJvxMCKuWq6iHm9obXgAPKIpc6s0/?igshid=sz1ut7wnjtx5

#eggheadchronicles

A day in Hanoi. #eggheadchronicles (at Lăng Chủ tịch Hồ Chí Minh) https://www.instagram.com/p/B57ZOJ8JJ-FIuixXsqSDLqLhxbpRFsn7FanFnE0/?igshid=1vt2gqci6d9yf

#eggheadchronicles

Got surprised earlier at work. Two ladies came in the room and gave me these gifts as a tribute for teachers. Glad to still bein this field amidst the drama and late nights. #eggheadchronicles (at Da Nang, Vietnam) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5A_Qa6JQiEYiTg3NVyAXPsyAXvCpnP5L3ipPg0/?igshid=ytest7slpa4i

#eggheadchronicles

Before x After work face. #eggheadchronicles (at Dragon Bridge) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4q8xVCJsBU2no4fQ6DUxqIunZ-UH9r1FqI2HU0/?igshid=13odmuj6s5wfz

#eggheadchronicles

I was about to write something about inner demons, tainted souls, journeys and conquests when all I could ever think about is my family.

Maybe if I hadn't been a screw-up, they'd have a son who can provide. Now, don't go telling me about parents' obligations and this being a part of it. It's my second nature to help anyone who has helped me along the way to where I am now, how much more when it comes to the reason why I am here?

Maybe if I did well in school, I'd have been in a better position in life. The immensity of value my parents have placed on education is just as much as I have toyed around with it. Never once did I strive for something bigger than myself, and that is to make them proud. I know I am capable, knowledgable, adept. This is not pride but rather acknowledgement that I was given, but have not give it back to those I owe it to.

Maybe if I had been a good son, I wouldn't have all this karma and all this shit in life I am in. I made them upset more than I made them proud. I made them sad more than I made them happy. I made them cry. Especially my mom. I remember someone once told me about how grave it is to make one's mom cry out of frustration and sadness. It comes back ten-fold when you grow old and have a family of your own. Part of the reason why at 28, I am single af and not having plans for kids yet though I'd really love to have one. As they say, what goes around, comes around.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I have once again surrendered myself to the demons within, tainted my soul with my past chapters, and currently got lost in this journey of finding my place in this wretched world. Maybe wretched is too harsh for that thought.

Maybe I've been so harsh with myself.

Maybe?

Regardless, I know I wallow in such negativity and should avoid it. It ain't easy being alone, pushing yourself to break out of this habit, and getting a grip of the reality I am in.

That I am alone. That I am negative. That I am losing so much time.

I've always pondered on the existence of time machines, because I'd live my life again to be a better person for the people who have seen the worst in me. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Most likely the latter. But amidst all that, I know I have to conquer my own demons, recalibrate my soul, and take a rest. For I know what I need to do.

Maybe.

Songs you'll never hear me sing to you because I have a horrible voice, inside and out.

I'm sorry I came in your life only to leave you at the state you were a little while ago. As sincere as this apology is the fact that I never regret spending the years I had with you. Maybe only the times I scarred you for life.

I'm sorry for not being enough when you meant the world to me. Amidst my horrible indecisions and poor choices, you were clearly more than what I asked for.

I wish I could say all of these. But I know we're both tired to risk. Scared to risk. Scared to fix this. Scared to put everything on the line once more. Scarred. Bruised. Beaten. Tired.

Days go by here in paradise without you. A picture is worth a thousand words, but without you in it is a whole different story. They said the journey is where you appreciate the destination, without you, it ain't the same. This isn't familiarity or habit, not even routine. Tangina, I just miss the "us" in everything.

And as the song goes, I miss the man I was with you.

And you know who you are.

Detour on Monday night. I guess the only therapy for a long month ahead is the sound of crashing waves without any hint of liquid madness. (at Da Nang, Vietnam)

dear crush.

As hours tick towards the day of your birth, I sit restless upon a bed stained of lost dreams. It's been quite a while since that fateful day we broke hearts and promises made for and with each other. Not a day goes by without me wishing it never happened, hoping for a moment stripped away from us.

Yet, here we are, staring at each other's blank walls painted dry with salty tears. Eyes never meeting unlike years past where we would gaze at each other as if it were our own. Yes, we called it home. Not away from the hussle and stress, but against it, overcoming it every single day. You were my paradise. I was your haven.

Yet, here we are. Away. Apart. Derailed from the path to the sanctuary we made and nurtured. From the sparks of hello's down to the embers of 'I'm here', we came to be what we are now. A goodbye so sudden, it wasn't even said. Unspoken and yet right through the heart, it shot deep. Doors closed and hearts locked, we both threw what we latched onto for so damn long.

And for so damn long, I still madly love you. Amidst this, I never got the chance to tell you how I never meant to hurt you the way I did. For in Pride's clutch, I never let go. For in Anger's eyes, I saw nothing but rage. For in Greed's hook, I thought only of myself. Maybe the pedestal I've put you in was too high, not for you, but for me to catch up. Maybe, I am as destined to screw up as I always did before.

I wanted to say I'm sorry for I truly am. As sinful as my situation was, you were never one to blame. I'm sorry I did that to save myself for a brief moment of maddening clarity. Only to find myself desperate to love you as you deserved to be.

On this day two years ago, a post came from me telling you how the world seemed brighter now that you came. Today, it grew duller without you in it. Yes, life's in technicolor here but it's as pale as we were with each other before we drifted apart.

I was the luckiest man to have been touched by your life. I always said to my self that you were the woman I was going to marry. Had it pushed through, I would have been a saint previously in life to deserve such blessing.

You have been the spark of life in those around you. As you did with Mommy and Daddy, Micoy, and the rest of your family. As you did with Mel, her family and your cohorts too. As you did with my family. As you did with me.

I wish you have a good life ahead of you.

With or without me, find what your heart yearns for. As you are the very core which has pushed me to exceed what I can and overcome what I can't.

Happy birthday,

Pwede ba'ng tayo nalang ulit?

Ang nakaraang naglaho, ibalik kahit saglit?

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