[theemotionalexorcist]

A Goddess’ Lament

I hate you. 

I love you. 

I like you. 

I want you. 

I never want to see you again. 

I want to love you. 

I cant stop thinking about you. 

I want you to want me. 

I want you to love me. 

I want you to need me. 

I need you to love me.

No, I don’t. 

I would have given you everything. 

ANYTHING.  

I prayed for you. 

I manifested you. 

I still want you. 

You lied to me. 

You hurt me. 

Could you even come back from that? 

Do you want to come back?

Do I want you to come back? 

I do. 

I want you to try. 

I want to be the reason you try. 

Do you think I am crazy? 

You make me feel crazy. 

You make me feel disruptive. 

You make me feel impulsive. 

You make me feel chaotic. 

You are imbedded in my thoughts.

I rarely have feelings. 

I never have big feelings. 

What if I’m all out of feelings? 

I’m scared you were my last big feeling. 

It was so easy to let you break down my walls. 

Why did I let you break them down so fast? 

Why didn’t I see what was going on 

Or not going on? 

Why was I so blind to the reality of the situation? 

Why did I allow myself to get so caught up, so fast? 

I never do that. 

I’ve learned my lesson before. 

I never do that.

Why did I do that? 

Why can’t I move on? 

I move on easy. 

I can’t move on.

I need to move on.

I’ve tried.

I’m not sure how. 

I wish I never knew you.

I wish I knew you better.

I wish you knew me better.

I wish you wanted to know me better.

I wish we were better.

We could be better.

It’s not safe to hope.

I know better. 

I am better. 

I will be better.

[theemotionalexorcist]

I am fucking extravagant.

I love big.

I give lot of presents.

I often pay for my friends and don’t expect them to pay me back

I hope hard

I buy 7 pizzas when we only needed 3.

I show up at your house when you just called to say hello.

I also have big feelings.

Some feelings are sad and destructive.

Most are joyful and selfless.

I over indulge myself.

I am extravagant in every sense of the word possible and I’m not here to apologize for it.

I’m here to say that if your ego can’t handle my extravagance, then show yourself out.

My persona is not an accessory, it is the whole damn outfit.

[theemotionalexorcist]

Thoughts during a diet: Day 1

water is delicious.

Why is my tummy is extra jiggly today? probably because of my increased water intake.

Great I have a migraine and now i feel nauseous.

Books head massage for after lunch

Hmmm. What’s for lunch?

*Ponders over what I want for lunch for 4 hours*

Asian sounds good, if i eat lettuce on top of all this water while i have a migraine, I will almost definitely throw up. I really want bread, i guess rice will suffice.

Water is disgusting.

Switch to Tea.

Tea needs sugar.

Drinks unsweetened tea.

.... dieting is mind consuming.

[theemotionalexorcist]

My dating life explained in 4 texts.

[theemotionalexorcist]

Hermit Express

I don’t know if it’s a reaction from my recent dating experiences or if my new birth control is effecting me negatively but i have a strong desire to wrap myself in a blanket fort and only come out for pizza and beer.

I’ve even been asked out on a date this week, but i was like “yeah.... maybe!!” Read: probably never cause I don’t want to put on anything but sweatpants.

Is this depression?

[notaparagraph]

From feeding giraffes at the Miami zoo four years ago, to this. Life is wild.

[theemotionalexorcist]

I have been waiting my entire life for a text like this. 

This is the most romantic text I've ever read (even if it was meant in platonic way).

[theemotionalexorcist]

Tumblr friends I need your help!

I am a part of a small leadership group in my community where we each have a change project we want to implement in order to better our community.

My change project initiative is this:

I want to create a something... a program, a retreat, a conference, a initiative... something that increases our work/life balance, family enrichment and professional development in Kids and Adults. I am not 100% sure what this looks like... so this is where I need your Feedback. One Idea I had was to create a leadership skills or civil service program that teaches parents and kids side by side some basic fundamentals in professionalism like: Listening, Communication, Trust, Leadership, Change Management, and Relationships. I feel like the skills we are teaching adults AFTER college could benefit our children NOW. This could mean developing of a brand new curriculum or teaching style for Adults and Children? Or a Program that related to both or brings them together somehow?

Honestly, I'm not sure - That's why I asking you.

My overall goal is to increase our communities work/Life balance, create a road map for corporations to create work/life career advancement programming (So that you don't take away time from families to advance your career) and establish my community as a leader in family life while raising the leaders of tomorrow, today.

SO, throw me your ideas, your suggestions... your devil's advocacy(is this a shit idea?).. I want it all... I want to hear where the most need for something like this is (Or if there IS a need at all).. I want to hear any connections you may have to help me further my project.... I need the voices of parents and non-parents, Professionals and SAHMs, HR people and CEOs, Part-Time and Full-Time, Public and Private Sector, Non and For Profit entities, Teachers and Counselors, Therapists and PD Coaches... EVERYONE. I want your feedback because you are ALL stakeholders in the betterment of our communities and in order to succeed. i will need all the help I can get.

Reblog if you can! 

[welcometothe11thhouse]

I thought Jesus was a capricorn my whole life had been a lie.

name one capricorn who would die for you.i’ll wait.

[kibblesandbitch]

in astrology circles Jesus is like, SO OBVIOUSLY a Pisces

his death ushered in the age of Pisces. bread and fishes. self-sacrifice. hanging out out with prostitutes. 

Totally a Pisces.

[theemotionalexorcist]

I’m sitting here, racking my brain... thinking of all the Capricorns I’ve dated (apparently i have a thing for Capricorns, no matter how many times i read that Aries-Capricorn relationships were doomed to fail) and they are complete SHITS. None. Not one of them would have even stepped in front of a bicycle to save me. 

[theemotionalexorcist]

But why?

Guess who texted me?!

Apparently in my drunken stupor, i left him a note telling him how much i liked him.

I don’t remember this at all... like at all! I’m still not even 💯 sure it was me who left him a note.. maybe someone else left him a love note?!?

Anyways he told me he’s depressed and needs to work on himself and he’s not sure what’s wrong with him... blah blah blah

Not Shit, Sherlock.

Anyways i just said “yeah... i DID like you. Let’s call it awash and go our separate ways. NBD”

[theemotionalexorcist]

Inside of love

I sometimes think there is this invisible threshold of people who have fallen in love.

I don’t think I have ever truly crossed that threshold. Not really. I think i tried, once. But i don’t think i passed the test to be allowed through the pearly white gates of being In romantic love.

Have I loved? Yes.

Do i love? Yes.

Am i in love with people? Yes.

Have i been IN love? I don’t know.

I don’t think so. Not “completely”. Not enough to feel it through my bones. And i think that’s how you would experience passing the threshold. With no doubt or fear.

Theres a song i love to listen to by Nada Surf called “The inside of love”. I listen to it a lot because i relate to it a lot.

I do stupid things, sometimes. Only i don’t feel stupid, i feel embarrassed. Not because i feel wrong, but because i feel judged. I’m impulsive and spontaneous and passionate and when i want something i don’t say no to myself.

Like last Friday...

I’ve been dating this guy for.... umm 2 dates? Seems short but in my string of relationships (or lack there of) recently this was a good step forward. And there were plans for future things too. It seemed good.

I hadn’t really decided if i liked him. I liked his company. And i really really needed to feel wanted. Sexually, emotionally.

1st date was exciting, enticing even. Butterflies and hope. A small memorable kiss with a boy who wanted to remember this moment. How romantic right? I wanted romance. I need to feel wanted romantically, not just sexually.

2nd date: It seemed like I was an afterthought. Did he really want to see me? Did he want me to be there? He was saying the words... but the actions and pre date planning didn’t align with the feeling i got from date 1. So i forced it. I tried to entice him. I wanted to feel loved so i let him love me. Lust me really. It wasn’t great. I felt nothing inside. Not even him. I tried to enjoy it. I REALLY tried. He seemed lazy? Or tired? Uninterested? whatever it was, whatever we were, just wasn’t. It didn’t seem to work. I think he knew that too. I don’t think he tried though. We left happy (ish) and with hope that maybe there’s more...

That is until he texted me.

He told me he was going to be busy... for a whole month. And then told me to not take it personally. I took it personally. I took it VERY personally. I even told him “i understood... but it’s going to be very hard for me to not take it personally” And he was busy... he didn’t lie to me. But those feelings I need...Those little enticements I need to push my feelings forward... they died. I felt deflated. Defeated? I don’t know.

Hindsight isn’t always 20/20.

He didn’t stop talking to me. I kept in contact. Teasing. Enticing. Trying. He seemed to just barely be holding on to the idea of “us”. The bare minimum to make me keep a hold of an idea.

Then Friday came. I hadn’t been out late with friends in a long time. Probably 6months. I tend to avoid it because when i get drunk (and i can drink without getting drunk, but i can’t go out with friends and not get drunk) i can’t handle it. My uninhibited mind that is. I can’t handle seeing all the people without kids have freedom, i can’t handle seeing all the people in relationships be together or the ones who are about to hook up.

So I’m there with friends watching them with their partners or the person they met that night and I’m thinking... do I have someone? i need someone right now. I need company. I need sex. I need to feel wanted.

So in my head my choices were to spontaneously show up and surprise the boy I’m dating at 2am and hopefully have mad passionate wild sex or go home and cry.

I chose the first. I tried to text... call... no answer. I finally made a brash decision (uninhabited) to drive(this is the only thing that i believe was actually a stupid choice because i was drunk) to his house.

What did i think would happen? I thought hoped he would be excited to see me. I thought hoped he would be overcome by his sexual desire and not care that i was keeping him from sleep because the next day was a weekend and he could sleep in. I knew he was alone (not his weekend for his kids). I thought hoped he would take me in his arms and brush of the inconvenience and appreciate the time with me and my bold show of passion toward him.

I was wrong. He was angry. Not angry enough to not have sex, but angry enough to use sex as a way to get out his anger.

I get it. I 💯 understand why he was mad and he has every right to be.

But I still hoped for more. I hoped he was more. I hoped we had more.

I don’t know if i was trying to prove something or demolish something but i got my answer.

He texted me the next day telling me to never do that and how uncool it was.

Got it. Uncool. Thanks for the lecture.

I just told him i got it and he won’t have to worry about me ever doing that. With the underlying subtext of me never seeing or speaking to him again.

I was upset and went into a depression afterwards for the weekend. I didn’t want to move. I felt ashamed, sad, guilty, disappointed. Not for my actions.

I’m not sorry. I saw a hole and I opened that thing wide open. If I hadn’t done that... I’m sure i would have found another way to expand the weakness I was feeling. Kill or be killed right?

Did it have to happen? No. Could we have been something had I not acted on my impulses and moment of weakness? Possibly. Is that what i wanted? Absolutely not.

...

There’s a threshold I haven’t crossed because I am ok being on this side of the threshold for forever if I can’t find my way in on my terms. I have to take my own path and while you may disagree or think the path across comes with compromise. I’m not unwilling to compromise. I’m just unwilling to follow someone else’s path.

Of course I’ll be alright, I just had a bad night.😉

[theemotionalexorcist]

I have $40 worth of cheese in my bag.

The best pick up line ever.

[ramdaughter]

Today was an upsetting reminder about the lack of empathy white people have for people of colour. A customer came in and he asked, “Should I call you Fred? Cause I can’t pronounce what’s on your nametag.” 

Fair enough, though he worded it oddly. I forced a laugh and told him how to pronounce my name. Twice. And after the second time, he disregarded me. Told me he was just going to call me Fred. Now, I have a weird relationship with my name. I love it, I really do. But there’s this sense of apologetic-guilt attached to it. Sorry it’s so long, sorry you can’t pronounce it etc. That onus is hardly on me, but life’s funny like that. 

In this moment though? I didn’t even get to feel apologetic-guilty. I didn’t get to feel anything. I was too busy being accommodating. Because from the moment he forced a nickname on me, I had to endure 5 min or so of the customer and my assistant manager joking at my expense. 

Back and forth they went. “I’m not being politically incorrect!” “You’re so bad.” “She wants me to call her Fred!” And so on. POC being forced to endure being the butt of white humour is nothing new, lest we be seen as easily offended. But that moment was still so surreal. I was the subject but I felt so distant from the topic at hand. These people were joking about my name. 

I was made to endure my great-grandmother and country of origin being mocked for 5+ min.

After the fact I’m not ashamed to admit I cried. I really would’ve liked to tell the manager, “You know, I hope that guy does learn my name. Because I was named after my great-grandmother, and she was named after a national hero.” But I cried instead. Because how do you remind someone not to mock your name? Why should I even be put in a situation that uncomfortable and odd in the first place? 

But I was. Because that customer and my manager, like so many other white people on a daily basis, forgot that I’m human too. 

[theemotionalexorcist]

I completely understand where this person is coming from and not do I want to negate her feelings just want to relay that I too am named after my grandmother, and have also had public instances where people couldn’t pronounce my very common pronunciation of my name and ended up called me “bob”. 😒 seriously, bob. I am also a white female. My name is Maegan. Pronounced Megan or May-gan. My Russian friend called me “Mai-ee-Gan”. No. Not my name. It's normal yet people ignore how much names and taking the time to care enough to pronounce a name correctly… no matter the spelling, culture, or nationality… is so important to someone.

[theemotionalexorcist]

The Ultimate Solo Parent Test

Yesterday was my first solo Disney trip with my daughter. Just me and her. I’ll be honest it was not easy and one of the reason I love Disney is because once you step onto the property you are apart of a family with thousands of others. Many other parents saw my struggle to juggle drinks and stroller and everything else and often times someone would step in and even offered to watch our stuff or watch my kid while I went to grab napkins or something quick nearby. You don’t realize it, until these moments, how much you need two adults or more for things like this.

All in all we had a great time and I can’t wait for magic kingdom on Thursday.

My highlights so far are: 1. My kid’s excitement and pure joy every time she sees Mickey and Minnie Mouse 2. Getting soaked on the kali river rapids during the heat of the day and my kid loving the ride! 3. Finding dole whips WITH dark rum 4. Getting a stroller for my almost five year old. Saved my life not only because she got tired easy but also to hold all my stuff! I don’t know how parents go to the parks without a stroller at any age. 5. The fact that my kid could tell everyone she has been to Disneyworld or Disneyland every year of her life. 6. My kid watching the lion king and trying to decide if a. The lion Simba was real and B. Is he was going to jump off and eat her. 7. Having the new Flight of the Avatar ride as Wesley first “thrill” ride. She’s finally 44in tall and can ride all the rides but roller coasters. Also the fact that she loved the ride when it was over and wanted to comeback and ride it again was the best feeling ever. I was so worried she would hate it and feel like I lied to her about the fun level.

The worst mistake moments of yesterday: 1. Deciding to take. 6am flight (wake up at 4am) not go to bed until 10pm (9 out time) with only a 20 min nap for my kid and wake up at 7:30 am (6:30am my time) for a 13 hour day at the parks. Seriously, what was I thinking?!? 2. Not bringing my #ningxiared for my kid. This stuff, which we have renamed whiney juice, it ah-mazing!! 🙌🏻it seriously takes my kid from 10 to 3 in 10 minutes, maybe less. I needed it yesterday and have packed #ningxianitro for tomorrow 3. Making my 4 year old watch “it’s tough to be a bug”. Big mistake. I totally forgot how scary it was and was NOT prepared for the aftermath of this show. Wesley cried the whole time and then said “ why would you take me to that? Why would Mickey allow that?!” 😬oops #parentingfail. After that she was completely extra the entire day 4. We finally got on the ride I had been prepping her for: Flight of the Avatar. She was great and excited to ride the “pretend unicorns”. However when we got on the wait was 1hr and 45 min. 😑 which was the lowest I’d seen it all day. But in reality the wait was 2.5 hours😒. To which Wesley cried half the time and begged to go home. They didn’t even allow me to push her in a stroller- even though that would have been acceptable and people with wheel chairs where allowed to bring their wheel chair. That’s a bit much for even Disney! I mean even for a new awesome ride. You would think you would have these line things down to a science now and NOT create ride where the lines are at a stand still and the lines are always ridiculously long. AND if you DO create those rides you should absolutely make the lines interact be and fun throughout so that it feels like the line is a ride too!!! I mean they had multiple bays and one way down. They seemed understaffed too. If it was up to me to design I would make sure the bays were rotating so that no one in line ever had to wait or stand still for more thank 5 secs. Even universal has figured this out (see Harry Potter ride). However, Walt Disney World, if you happen to see this as a need and want to hire a ride/line consultant I’m and available for hire. I will not only tell you what you need to fix but how to solve the problem in the most economical, safe and satisfactory way possible. (Rant over)

[theemotionalexorcist]

My Hardships

Are not very “hard” times at all, but here they are:

(Not in order)

- Getting pregnant on a one night stand. I feel like this killed my dreams of fairy tale love, but gave me a new definition to “the love of my life”. - Learning the hard way how to see a person for who they truly are and not just who you want them to be. I wasn’t born untrustworthy, I was taught through cheating, lying, mental abuse and eventually physical abuse. Unfortunately I didn’t learn anything until the latter happened. - Will power. I have none. Zero. Zilch. Nada. - I have never felt completely satisfied in my entire life with a relationship or any job. - I am still in love with the first person I fell in love with, even though he never loved me back, even though it’s been almost a decade, even though he’s married with a kid, even though I seem to and try to tell myself that I have moved on - I haven’t. A small part of me still dreams he will love me one day. - realizing I will never have the life/relationship/career/body I dreamed of having when I was a little girl. 32 year old me would be a sore disappointment for 5 year old me. - always feeling intellectually less than (insert respected status here) in every job I have had. - I might never be able to financially move out of my parents home - I am currently at my heaviest. 60(70?) lbs over weight and i refuse to do anything about it because I’m pissed and I’m in denial about reality and I alsostraight up refuse to act/eat different than anyone else in my Family because I gain 3 lbs after each meal and they stay the same and eat twice as much/move less. - I have never done things middle of the road. I have always been at either end of the extreme. I went from being the girl who believed in fairy tales and knew no cost to finding her one true love…. to the girl who believes deep in her soul that she will never have a real soul mate and if I want to be in any kind of relationship in the future I will have to compromise a lot of things I’m not willing to do right now. - my dreams of acting or singing or being anything I wanted to be in the theatre/musical theatre world were killed by one of my professor in college. I believed him when he didn’t believe in me, part of me still tries to make something of myself to prove I can to him - but I haven’t done anything worthy enough yet. I thought I was on my way a while ago, but that didn’t happen for me. - I have over 50k in student loan debt(that I’m just crossing my fingers the loan forgiveness act still applies for the next 8 years and that I’m still working at a NP) and $20k in debt from child custody lawyer fees that may not stop for the next 13 years. I don't see a way out of this anytime soon and hyperventilate just thinking about it. - I want to get a MBA so people will take my ideas more seriously and so that I can get a better job, a job I feel more suited for, but I have a terrible undergrad GPA , I’m a terrible test taker, I hate school, and I literally can’t afford to go into even MORE debt

[theemotionalexorcist]

I really really hate it when I pick a bad karaoke song. Ugh, the wait is always so long it takes forever to make up for it.

[theemotionalexorcist]

My dad went to the doctor for deep vein thrombosis and has been self medicating. Today was his checkup.

[theemotionalexorcist]

I always order tacos without tomatoes or onions but instead of saying "no tomatoes or onions" or "no veggies" I say "none of that healthy shit"