Ok but because I like putting myself in the torment nexus I’ve been thinking about how much it must gut Ilya to see the people in Shane’s life constantly go “we accept you for being gay, but did you have to date him?”
Like yes, Ilya logically knows that it’s not about him personally, not really. It’s about hockey. It’s about The Rivalry™️. It’s about the public persona of douchebaggery that he has specifically played up for years at this point to get under people’s skin and keep them at arm’s length. It’s the contrast between the golden boy of Canada and the big bad Russian. Like, duh, of course everyone thinks Rozanov isn’t worthy of Shane, but that’s not real.
But also, does he know that? Does he know that down to his bones, deep in the heart of himself? Does he know that when he’s on his own, without Shane by his side, when it’s late and he’s tired and he’s in bed in the dark on his own with just his own thoughts for company?
Or does he think of his father, and how he never missed an opportunity to remind him of his value or lack there of? How he constantly degraded and abused and mocked him for every failure until Ilya had internalised the truth of his own worthlessness, until winning was unremarkable and losing unthinkable? Does he think of his brother? Of how the only worthwhile thing about Ilya was his bank account ? How the closest to affection he could get from his own kin was always that he sent money and Alexei sent back insults, and he should be thankful because if he didn’t pay it would be even worse? Does he think of his mother? Who loved him, yes, of course she did, but still couldn’t stay for him? Who instead abandoned him to his fate at the hands of his father and brother even though she knew how bad things could get. Does he think it’s because she could see even then, even at twelve years old, that fundamentally Ilya wasn’t worth sticking around for?
Does he think about how even the people who brought him into this world couldn’t love him right, and so where does he get off thinking that someone like him would deserve to love and be loved by someone as good, as pure, as kind as Shane Hollander? Of course everyone else can see that, to the point that it’s the first thing they say. Of course it’s just a matter of time until Shane sees it too.
Do you think it’s death by a thousand cuts? That every shitty comment from Shane’s loved ones - Hayden and Yuna and J.J. and whoever else finds out about them - that whittles down to variations on the theme of “I can support being gay, but I draw the line at loving Ilya Rozanov?” in that same disbelieving tone cuts through to that miserable hidden core of himself he tries so hard to make up for and reminds him that other people see how worthless he is too?
I get it’s supposed to be funny, and not that serious. In universe, it’s supposed to show how intense the rivalry is and how totally not homophobic the metros are, it’s just Ilya playing for Boston that’s the problem haha! But I can’t help thinking about whether Ilya is in on the joke.
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