Pain
What does pain mean to you?
See pain to me doesn’t mean just one thing it’s too complex to be just one thing. Pain is the only constant in my life, pain for me is like the one memory you wish you could forget. It’s the thought that crosses your mind at random times and makes you wish you could just jump out of your body and be someone else.
Pain is my constant.
I share every aspect of my being with pain my mental, my physical and my emotional all are infested with pain. I wake up because of the pain not because I wanted to see tomorrow.
I get out of bed because the pain makes it hard to stay in any position for long and If I’m not sleeping why should I as a technically functioning adult be in bed? That’s not productive and If I’m not being productive then how can I get anyone to see exactly how much pain I’m in? Though I can’t let anyone know that I’m in pain because then I’m lazy and weak.
The worst is the phantom pain that no one can see and even if they did they’d just write it off as “not that bad” or “just in my head” seriously with all the advancements in mental health awareness I’m still stunned that people still don’t realize that the brain can turn your mental and emotional pain into physical.
This phantom pain feels like I’m trapped in a small cage and no matter what I do I can’t seem to get out even though I know exactly how to. My body tenses and I have this overwhelming need to scream until my throat is so raw that I cough up blood. It’s all in vain though because not only can’t anyone hear my chest crushing screams I can’t seem to get myself to actually scream that scream that so desperately scratches at my inside trying to claw it’s way out.
It’s stuck in there so instead I’m left choking on a lump of pain and grief.
The cuts I make in my skin on the bad days only serve to lessen the built up pressure but the relief never lasts long and I just add to the pain.
Death doesn’t feel like a release for me cause I’ve been there before and I feel as though I wasted my chance to go to somewhere good where the pain is not.
Now I just feel dread I feel so much now since then and It’s crushing me knowing what will happen. I’m not afraid of death and dying I’m scared the pain won’t stop and will just follow me.
I don’t think I’ll ever be without pain we are just two sides of the same coin and I’ve resigned myself to this fact If I can’t stop it then at the very least I can cope with it in some way.
What does pain me to you?
