I’ve been in a thoughtful mood for about a week now. I’ve really thought about things. My writing. My blog. Myself and my place in this fandom. Heh, even what this fandom means to me. When I first joined in June, 2017, I never imagined I’d talk to anyone. I never imagined I’d write more than one story. I never imagined anyone would read it, let alone review.
Nine months and nine days later, exactly, here I am. I may not be the most active person, especially with updates, but I’m here. I may not have seen the darkest times, so to speak, in the LH fandom, but I’ve seen enough. I’ve seen some things that chilled my heart to ice and made me hover the mouse over the delete button on my accounts. I’ve had close friends turn against me like ravenous wolves and rip me apart, wiping the dust off their feet and onto my body. I’ve had quite a few interested individuals follow me around with their own agendas, harassing me and pestering me with their assumptions and ideals.
A few days ago, I made a series of posts on Discord that I wanted to re-state here in a summary form. Most people don’t know how I feel about things because I keep them to myself. Many, I imagine, just see me as a flirty writer that really enjoys smut and really disturbing and dark stories. It’s true that I’ve had to delve into really dark places to write some of the things I do.
One of my first friends in this fandom, a fellow loudcest writer, made some startling assumptions about me. “You support loudcest,” “it’s what you want in real life, ain’t it?” and “do you have a sister?” You can imagine where that went in context of what I tend to write. You know what, though, people are allowed to think what they want about me. But I do not like when they speak for me. With this particular writer and dear friend, I wasn’t allowed to speak for myself. Because I was “wrong” and didn’t understand myself like he did. The more I spoke up, the harsher he became. He’s the single best example I have to illustrate my frustration. Others?
I know of two neo Nazis that love my writing, are racist… one I suspect is a pedo, the other is sexist.
I know of at least two people that love my writing and actively promote incest.
I know a ton of people that love my writing and have kinks that many people find disgusting and taboo.
This is why I love doing what I do… I get to know people. I get to help them and support them. I get to show them that they can safely vent their frustrations and desires in a fictional world, rather than the real world. I get to meet people that feel restrained and restricted, isolated and unheard, and listen to them and accept them for what they are: human beings with feelings, goals, families, and lives.
Somewhere along the way, people have come to associate me as the same thing I write. This has gotten to a point where, for the last several months, I have consistently found things said about myself on a variety of sites… often negative, assuming, and destructive. When some people first talk to me they butter me up, and I disarm them with my smile because it’s unnecessary. You don’t even need to read my stories. Just accept my humanity and let me accept yours. That’s honestly all I ask.
What many people seem to be surprised about… and honestly this one stings… is that I am a strong moral person in real life. Recently I was asked my opinion on banning minors from NSFW 18+ content… and when I said, “Yes, absolutely they should be banned,” someone not only called me out on my stories but issued their outright surprise that I… specifically me, out of anyone else they knew in the fandom… would actually try to keep children away from NSFW content. That… that’s not cool. In my nine months here I’ve been assumed as an activist for incest, pedophilia, rape, polyamory, and anti-SJWs, among other things. People do not even ask me my opinions on these things. They are assumed based on my content and apparent membership in the Lewd House.
But the truth could not be farther away.
I am the writer that simply doesn’t belong. I do not support incest, or, in fact, nearly everything I write. I don’t fight against these things. I’m apathetic to them. But even something as simple as premarital sex is something that grates against my morals… and it requires me to push them aside… to temporarily become a different person, to don a mask in order to write. This person you see before you is Abby Script. But this person isn’t the same one you’d see in real life. But I would gladly get to know you, to accept you and support you if I can.
My writing is something important to me, regardless of my feelings on it. I come from a very repressed world. The type of place where my anonymity isn’t convenient, but a requirement. I know I have said this a few times and almost always it is overlooked. But what I do is risky in ways some don’t understand. My work is done because I enjoy it. Because it is meaningful for me and friends. I am not obligated to do anything for this fandom. I am not obligated to write any request I receive. And know, every time that I get hate or overly demanding requests, that there have been numerous times I honestly nearly stopped it all for my own safety.
This is where my friend, Flagg1991, comes in. He almost single-handedly kept me going for months. Do you like my works? Then, go read some of his. Because mine wouldn’t be here without his unending support and help. I have met many people that have come and gone, and he’s been the one constant.
In this fandom, there exists three main “groups.” For most of my time here, the Lewd House has been my home. And yet, they have often been demanding, unappreciative, hateful against my depiction of Leni, and been general jerks that have made unfair assumptions about me. Are all Lewdhousers that way? No. But the group, as a whole, has been unkind to me in a lot of ways.
Safehousers tend to block me at every turn. I didn’t honestly think it would be an issue at first. I never wanted to talk to them and I wanted my distance. That was until I gained an interest in safe art and stories… and when I’d review, I’d come back to the sequel only to find I couldn’t view them. The only way I can describe the feeling I felt and the tears I shed was that I was once a human being… and was thrown in a cage, stripped naked, and branded with a hot iron.
In fact, if it wasn’t for the Neutral members in this fandom I would surely have quit sometime in September last year. Because my experience with Lewdhousers and Safehousers grew tiresome and old. But eventually I did come across people that would accept me, talk with me, and listen to my praise on their work. That’s why Bunny and Rom are so important to me. That’s how I became friends with wonderful people like Bell, Riddle, and Sam. My friendships started small, but grew. It took weeks, but eventually I became friends with Princess, a wonderful safe house artist; and through her, I met Nat.
Today, I am acquaintances and friends with more people than I could possibly have imagined back in June. I expected to post one or two stories and then go back to my real life like nothing happened. But, now, nine months later, I find myself in an extraordinary place. Like I said, I honestly don’t feel like I belong in the Lewd House or the Safe House. I belong somewhere in the middle. That’s not because I can’t get along with Lewdhousers… but it’s because of the number of times they have stabbed me in the back, betrayed my trust, and used me in ways I don’t like. And my desire to get to know Safehousers isn’t because I want to throw off my perverted ways… but it’s because I truly enjoy safe art and wanted to meet the artists and give them praise.
I belong somewhere in the middle. In a place where Lewdhousers and Safehousers can meet and talk and share ideas and content. I don’t expect people to accept Loudcest. I don’t expect people to accept Luaggie. I don’t expect people to stop being lewd (or to become lewd). The only thing I have ever wanted was the opportunity to create content and share it so anyone could feel free enough to see it. I wanted to see a place where people could overlook their differences and focus on their similar interests. I wanted to see kindness overflowing and forgiveness and healing in a fandom that has literally torn down the center, leaving many people without a proper home or place to go.
For a while now, the idea of destroying these barriers has excited me. The idea of a “One House” where anyone can be anything, while being respectful and kind to each other… that is truly what I want to see for this fandom in the future. I want to look at the Safe vs. Lewd debate as a memory, to be remembered and laid to rest. I want to get to a place where I can look back and see where everyone in this fandom has come from… and see where they are now… and feel such pride in my chest that I would cry for joy.
These are my hopes and dreams.
From this point on, I’m not going to be just a Lewdhouser.
For now on, I’m going to be a Onehouser first and foremost.
