Rubbish Journal

The posts from a person without another release, hoping to enlighten and brighten through oddly placed words and thought patterns.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

What am I looking for?

Writing my seemingly endless thought patterns, going around in a circle, 'what can I conclude from this', I constantly seem to ponder. 'what do I want from this, what am I looking for?'. The emphasis constantly on the 'I'. I write down some more and some more, in differing brain storms and thought bubbles. Lots of arrows, lots of lines. Probably a lot of frown lines as well. Some tears. I stop and I see. I wrote it down without a second thought. 'AHA!'- I want VALIDATION! Why after everything I have chosen, knowing I am a well-informed, not so stupid, semi-adult- why am I looking for something so sloppy. Validation is so dependent, so unlike me. I feel vulnerable to it. I have been so vulnerable to it. I cry over the lack of it. When will I see or feel its warming 'touch'. My decision they say, all up to me. That in itself is a lot to handle. How about I swing it the way of I just didn't decide. I let it happen. I didn't stop it. I let the situation out of my control and into my bodies'. B ody-you determine the outcome, you choose the 'right'. Look at it now, still going without an end. Validation is so... not me. How have I let it take over my life, become the centre of my world. How can THAT BE MY CENTRE. Self-centre would be preferred. I need to detour. I do not think (something I say often) that I can get the validation I seem to require without a lot of self esteem put downs and unhapiness. It isn't a sure bet after all of that either. I would end up much worse off. Let it go they say, let it go. Where do I begin letting go? refocus may be the only viable option, just to be in the place I want to be to welcome my child into this world. I need to be at least that, organised isn't even as important for me, just balanced happy and content. Lets try this game play, I want to win for all the selfish reasons there ever was.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Being me

I have had a wonderful day of just being me. The me that I have been looking for. The one that I had felt so distanced from, that I have been so lost without. I have been looking for you 'self', why would you leave me for so long?. I have had conversations with you that are so far from what I have been for past three years. I have felt at ease with my 'self', personality and conversational topics. Only with such a reflections have I provided myself with amazing incite. A positive that I did not over-think- I spoke to people all day without feeling the need to hide (it almost never seemed to pop into my head). I have let myself think good thoughts, positive thoughts. Such as people see me as good company, good conversation, a brightening eye, maybe even attractive (dare I say). All in one good day have I had such a positive reflection. I look in the mirror and smile. I smile at me, myself and I. She looks beautiful, she looks magnificent, she looks like a Kirsty as opposed to that Kristy girl I get mistaken for all too often

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

No once upon a time

I got my heart broken; Slapped out of my hand to just right under your feet, where they stood and stomped upon, an already fragile heart. You continued, the grinding of it, the glory shot. Until there was nothing. Just heart dust. Blown away, in one swift action. So different to what I knew, what I thought I knew. The love was disbursed, until the moment of which there was nothing left of my love. It never seemed to have existed. No more in its entirety, not even once upon a time.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Finding my meaning

When I think of meaning, I seem to think of something i find, perhaps an overwhelming moment where I actually say 'AHA!. When I think of my own meaning I know I am actually in the process of finding it. I look everywhere as if I have misplaced something. I have no idea what I am looking for, but for some reason, I feel like I would know it if i saw, felt or experienced my meaning in any possible manner. I have an awful feeling that my baby just might be my meaning. The awful part being that I have to be a mum to have some sort of meaning. I have changed so much since beginning my pregnancy. I feel there is more reason to my everyday life, more to the menial living and repetitive processes I go though. The awful part in an explanation is that I am not sure that a baby is supposed to be that to a person, aren't I supposed to find meaning within myself? Isn't that what normal people do, normal people with proper supports and self determination and so forth? I worry all the time I will lose my meaning, without finding it myself, I feel if i lose it I may never come back from the side I just barely escaped from. My meaning is so fragile, barely existing. It is so scary to me that I could deal with the grief of losing this precious meaning (that will make my life). What would it be in a place without it, without this life-made meaning. My fears are normal for the love I am giving is so great, so life changing.

This creation is my maker, my light, my love and soon to be my life. I will never regret the commitment I have made or the love I am giving. I will be forever grateful to my meaning joining me for the remainder of my life, forever and ever.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Winning and losing in feeling

I felt like an object, I will no longer feel that way. Felt is the past feeling of feel. I think I can handle this in the past, not my future. I deserve more as a person, more as myself and I would give more if I were to be in the position. Your position in past, present and future tense, no longer is required. I will do my future, the one we created together, alone. Your sacrifices were little and non existent. My patience to see different wore thin not only on your attitude but the thoughts about me particularly the one thinking of me as an object that had little meaning in your life. I have a worth and I would consider it priceless, I would hope others would as well. So proud I am to produce my bump, so disgusted/ embarrassed you are to see it, not touch. the senses you have are repelled by my being. My proud moments are only beginning whilst your opportunities are not going to appear anymore, they are not going to be given out for free and not for money. This situation cannot be bartered, it cannot be bought. It is a situation for emotions and care, it's a situation time must be given to. It's something that will happen so quickly, so swiftly, you will regret the lost opportunities given to you out of love. You are missing out in the past, the present and the future tense, it's now a regret. I can say with all the love in my heart I tried, you failed. I win a life and you win an existence.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Everyone's Opinion

I find myself in a situation where everyone’s opinions are forming my future projection. I’m worried about postnatal depression, I won’t have enough money, I won’t be happy with my choice, I won’t have time for anything, I won’t be able to live my dreams, my dreams will die focusing on another, I won’t be the same, Ill be single, my life will be over, ill be fat and unattractive. All these similar scared lines that I seem to hear, I’m scared by the ideas. When I think about myself and what I can achieve I think these projections down, I just need to keep them down. I’m still just getting up and going from my few years lost in my depressive self. I say don’t judge me yet, not yet. I have much more blooming to go, you really haven't seen much of me, not yet. I want to say I’m at peace with my decision but with all the turmoil with the father of my baby I feel that this is a decision with a lot of grief and sadness. It seems very bitter. Bitter always comes with sweet, so ill keep on going and hope I can keep my dinner down so that I don’t waste those damn nutrients my body so desperately needs.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Freedom finds a lot

- Scared of removing low self esteem wall, the being of a needy fool, seemingly different from my core structure

I think I have been normal. I JUST had a breakdown. Medicine was given as a clinger to life but it was more like a filler. It’s hugged me enough now, the supportive touch I needed. I can get back to my normal self, the self that has just been simply put on life support. Need to find my own legs and thoughts and stabilize my own mind. Scary independence gets me every where- the booster not being my own 'left right and center'. I get hit by these falsified confidences from so many unlikely spaces and places. My relationships will be ruined if I am forever dependent on support and my calming bolster. This support is just not me, it’s a innhuman copy of me or an imprint within myself.

Within my Me MYSELF AND I- I need my me

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Death Scene

The death scene I think about death a lot. I think about what I'll find there, I think of how ill feel and what I'll relive. I want to make people sad, sad they didn't give enough cares, make them regret what I always regret, regret they didnt push enough for my cause. I try so hard for everyone else, where were mine from you? I would leave people with life long regrets that would never ease, not with any amount of therapy. Maybe these are what keep me staying. I see nothing else at times, it seems I don't have what it takes for things to stick. I have no patience and what seems like no time, in reality it is a long amount of time. All I can do is sleep, no death, just sleep. Sleep is my death- it's filled with torchureous dreams, painful memories and just enough unconsciousness to make it through another day, until death comes around again. I feel like shit just so everyone can feel okay. another day i give, is another day to un-live those regrets. The ones I feel are surrounding me. Such a selfless life I lead but only to be given another chance to be selfish, never forgoing this death scene that has become my life.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

New chapter

Beggining a new chapter in my life has been an interesting journey so far. Letting go of my life as a young adult, partying drinking etc, not realising how much it was apart of me, it was really rough. Not only could I not just be unjustified and undignified I was confined to a life of solitude with my life; being single and not even willing to look for a ‘prospect’ in such an awkward, intermediate situation. I also let go of my cushion, the medication keeping me at a middle ground. I feel now that I don’t need it but I need to keep a look out for the signs of spiraling, I need to keep my anxiety and ‘mean’ thoughts in check. I have been making it to work and paying my bills- something I haven’t had the luxury of doing, very reliably, for myself for a good three years. I am struggling though with the concept of keeping my anger, frustrations and patience in control. I think and hope it’s just my hormonal changes but I fear it could be depression sneaking in. I do feel like a teenager again, with everything on the inside flying around like crazy. I have a positive thought, that it all will go away, in time. I hope that my family can forgive me and just put it down to pregnancy because I have no control. This is me, admitting to feeling helpless.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

I cannot comprehend my emotions

When I was young, perhaps in grade five, I used to put on makeup and nail-polish (the stuff you get from your parents when you are a female). I wanted to be pretty, I wanted to feel good. I think maybe an argument may have happened or I tried to show off my prettiness and someone put me down, I cannot explain why. I felt disgusting, I took it all off, I felt wrong, I felt like I was not myself but it was just makeup. I get this feeling but I just cannot put it into words fully. I get this sometimes when I think about sex, or when I have had sex. Like it was wrong, it definitely does not feel as if it is wrong, just when the thought pops in on an occasion and I am in a sort of mood which I cannot explain. I feel like being cozy and bland, mostly cozy, by myself and in comfort of myself. It also feels like I want to lay in the shower and get clean or just let the feelings of hate run down the drain. These feelings come up when I am not in 'the mood'. I just want to be a sort of PG 13+. Avoid judgement, improve self esteem, what else comes to mind is, nothing. I feel as if these moods have had a trigger, but I do not know what it would have been. They come on so suddenly and to what seems like it came all by themselves. These feelings of hating myself for some simple act of pleasure or self improvement should not be an in-justice. This is just debrief which is something I do with my blogs or my best friend, things that make sense of such silly inconsistent emotions that seem to be consistent but not within the context that they are created. Without such a debrief I cannot calm down and be realistic. Its just like you see in the end of sting operations, for an example, they debrief to check if sanity is sill intact, to talk about incidents and seek action to resolve any incident contained within them. I make my action when I feel there may be problems. The problems are usually reoccurring from many years of hiding in my so called ‘normal self’. I am forever searching for a solution for ‘me’. 

Makings for a 'me, myself and I' situation.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Self harm and the consequences

I have never cut myself or attempted suicide. These two common possibly attention grabbing actions are just a result of internal pain being shown to the outward world. Mental illness is so hard to deal with, it just controls every aspect of life. My experience was different, I would continue to hurt myself through overworking and long daily hours of being awake. Always trying to improve myself to fit in and trying to point out others’ problems along with controlling minor things and arguing moot points. Letting go and showing everyone you are hurting so much inside you want to die to relieve the pain is the most difficult thing to share. If you look like you are happy on the outside people will just assume you are having a bad spell or something that will go away to avoid their helping you. Its crazy to think that novone wants to help you when most will help you if you are bleeding or showing some sign of an illness. Mental health is so important and is so often overlooked as an insignificant problem that just hits weak people that are ‘lazy’. Self harm comes in so many different forms that most are not noticed. Cutting yourself to bleed and taking a heap load of pills is generally a cut and dry way of showing you are hurting, but milder, more socially acceptable forms are not taken as a link to mental health issue. The time a person snaps and begins to act erratic, more extreme behavior change, it take a lot more help to make that person become themselves again and be the person they can handle without the added behavior of self harm and internal hurt they once were accustomed to and known for. Notice this and you will certainly stop the future chain reaction of depression and loss of normality that just seems to be easy to navigate through.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Helpless

Why can’t I change my approach, why can’t I see what they say; Why can’t I feel what they say, why can’t I do what they say; The way I see, feel and act is so accustomed to saying no, that no one can change me. They may just stop trying and I may change; They may just give up and I give in; I may just change my perspective on life and just believe again; To which I would feel I may be normal, just like them.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

A letter of appeasement

To whom it may concern, The letter begins a little in anger, a little in disappointment. A friend of yours made a comment that allowed the thoughts of unhappiness flow through my mind. You are unhappy with my ‘treatment’ of your faith. I understand that you would conceive my comments and remarks as a negative treatment but I am in-fact desperately trying to appeal to your understanding side and to get your ‘treatment’ of my non-faith to be recognized. Throughout history and society religion has been recognized heavily in a positive light. I still cannot mention my non-faith to many others as I get a snare. I get this snare from you a lot. I know you are educated but the fact you cannot have a conversation without seeing my points makes you seems uneducated and rather dumb. This may be a bit cut and dry but we have trouble communicating far beyond the mention of my agnosticism and your Christianity. I feel you are holding back on other things because you cannot grasp my ideals. My ideals are simple, simply based of the care for others, etc. and principals. My parents are similar to me and do not have a chosen religion, this does not make their parenting any less reasonable than your own parents’, parenting. I have a fantastic nature and I am caring beyond belief, I fit into society (even with the ups and downs I suffer), I care about people I do not know or have never met. I was brought up differently to you but I am the same, I can be amazing. I feel that you know this, there is not much more I can say. There is not a religious box that has my name on it that marks my upbringing. I just happened to have made it all the way here without the religious word, I think I may just make it through my life and afterlife without it too? Stop the judging and just let go of your preconceived notions.

Yours Sincerly

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Thoughts aren't always correct

Once upon a time I was normal, confident and free of negative self thinking. It became different post bullying, put downs and loneliness. I now do it all on my own. I rely on positive comments and encouraging comments like a day relies on sugar, only. You need a whole heap of it to keep you going with ups and downs when refueling. My self esteem is severely damaged and has never healed. My own mind it seems is impeding upon such a recover. Tiring each day as I search for my self esteem, forever with the low and not much of the short lived high, my day is long and un-fulfilling. I sleep and begin again. I catch up on the hurt and angst and I am where I began, three steps back. How do I wake up each day? Its hard, doesn’t happen on occasion and panics my body inside and out. This is a basic feeling just underling the whole day, the day to which I have not begun solving and being involved in, the day I probably thought had activities I may or may not be able to handle. I need to get the basics right to get that tough stuff in control and regular. I just want to enjoy myself and not have a mentality of a bullied, beaten child that grew up many years ago.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

A rejected dreamtime, it hurt

RE: The devine vision I have this overwhelming, but ever so calming feeling of whisking us away to a place where we can unpack our dreams. The dreams we have longed for and forever packed away in a corner noted: ‘their very own’. I have this feeling ever so often, ever so frequent. This feeling that allows the ‘us’ to become true and the singular to be forgotten. I know you aren’t ready for such a leap of faith. In time our ‘us’ will be surrounded by the context of the dreams we long for, that have been trying to break out in protest against our ever so desperate life of money, food and shelter. Our dreams make us and barely break us, the living the norm is the only thing that could and ever will. Being anything other than what is dreamt can only ruin, it is not the cure we need. Lets run away together and be free, be freedom.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Always the Waiter

Without my own conscious realizing I am in constant wait. If I wait, I put on weight. It seems I wait for everything. I wait for people, events and so much more. People take me for granted knowing I will be there, always a-waiting. What if I wasn’t? It feels terrible when you are never waited on in return that its just so easy to throw the ‘I am not doing this anymore’ card in play. I cannot put it in play, only dare speak of its action. If you don’t you can feel a rift tearing open, mostly within your own soul. I am so conscious of others’ feelings, they seem to become my own. Waiting on everything in patience or without does not make life run smoothly. Anxiety on things appearing ahead is built up, being positive is a side effect but it wears thin, glazed on top. Words just seem to mean less when the actions aren’t followed. I need to do my own thing away from waiting, its like the dreams in my distance that just don’t seem to be happening, I cant keep being that way. I realise this slump, its something I get all too often when a large wait exists. Why is the payoff so great when the wait is over? Its like avoidance all over again in another context.

[thegirlwitheyes-blog]

Idol-istic

All the excuses are wearing off, I am just left with one complicated being. Myself. How can you blame yourself without spiraling into further depression? This is a complicated question I constantly ponder upon. I see it as being a blame and gain system. Notice the problem or issue (which sounds less problematic) and find a way of resolving or patching a wreck back together. Patchwork is all it is until you can solve the whole puzzle so to speak. The cover story, being happy, will be on the other side with its own pot of gold, whatever you imagine that to be. True happiness I believe comes along when peace settle in, guilt, anger, angst, anxiety, self doubt, dependence just move away from that bigger picture to move it closer to happiness. Belief in this euphoria is what I have, I need no god when happiness is my idol.