The Human Bill Cipher

[thehumanbillcipher]

America just elected an orange for president and then threw a tantrum when they inaugurated it.

[glumshoe]

my uncle

-is allergic to chocolate -is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe) -has weird long vampire teeth -once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class -named his bicycle Tom Bombadil -got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time -is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support -is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour -enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds. -cannot touch mangos -teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple -has begun studying magic -used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples -is so fucking weird -used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it -is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them

[glumshoe]

-is sending me on a roadtrip to the National Radio Quiet Zone for fun and education

[glumshoe]

-showed up to a family outing downtown this morning, wearing nylon shorts and expensive leather Oxford formal shoes -cried himself to sleep as a child because he desperately wanted a pet alligator -has experimented with god knows how many psychoactive substances…. For Science -is a literal masochist, as discovered this afternoon, when he told me all about how he’s addicted to the “excruciating pain and unexpected pleasure” of physical therapy -has feet so long he has to get shoes custom made for him - they have, in the past, been mistaken for clown shoes -once took his girlfriend on a date to lick the St. Louis Arch, in winter, and later revealed that he only framed it as a date ‘cause he was afraid of going alone in case his tongue got stuck to the metal -told me that he loved how bananas made his whole throat feel tingly, was surprised to find out that bananas are not supposed to have this effect -was disappointed that I did not bring a book on demon conjugation to the family reunion, because he wanted to compare it to his own translation -got banned from going down a slide today because he was dripping wet and had clearly been swimming…. he was just really sweaty from climbing the stairs

[glumshoe]

-sent me a check but forgot my legal name and put my nickname on it instead (it can’t be deposited and he hasn’t sent another)

[glumshoe]

this is what he wore to a family outing downtown

[glumshoe]

He showed up to our Christmas Eve dinner wearing a dress shirt, fancy slacks, and flip flops. All he ate was a bowl of smoked oysters.

[thatcandleontheflooroverthere-d]

@bunsuh this was a trip from start to finish.

[hesitantplant]

Six months in to 2014 an I still get the year wrong.

[thehumanbillcipher]

Whoever happened to see that last post, forget it existed. That was meant for my other blog.

[hurried-deactivated20181109]

[rickandmorty]

Eyeholes. It’s what’s for breakfast. 

[rickandmorty]

[thehumanbillcipher]

[thehumanbillcipher]

Can we just talk about how cool Stefan Stefasson is? Cause he is like the coolest guy

[faeriest]

[ryuichifoxe]

The nightmare deer welcome you to Columbus Ohio (8

[sia-jade]

This makes me so uncomfortable

[servicek9s-deactivated20180617]

WHY

[marmoraskeith]

I heard vine compilations were a thing

[dobref]

[upandoutcomic]

Burgled

[cleopatronising]

it’s still 2008 where it matters, in their hearts

[leviathan-supersystem]

this feels a lot more 2003 than 2008

[conceptblogfromaconcepthuman]

2002.

[ask-bot]

What’s the most simple thing you’ve ever had to explain to a fully competent adult?

[welcomedhappiness]

That you cannot fax money to someone.

[kurumawer]

Had someone accidentally fax us some paperwork. They then asked if we would fax it back due to the paperwork being confidential…

[jungle-plastic]

I have received a fax in an envelope. like… they took the documents, put em in an envelope, then faxed me a picture of the sealed envelope.

[asoulgonesince2002]

When I was a kid, I faxed my dad’s satellite office drawings of horses. I had watched my father send so many faxes that I had the process memorized. Except, for some reason I thought that I could fax things to grandma. I put in the numbers for the office every time, but was convinced that the faxes were going to grandma. I also didn’t think to inform my parents that I was doing this.

My dad visited the satellite office (three hour drive) one day and discovered their conference room white board absolutely covered in my drawings. The guys thought it was adorable that I sent drawings and letters to them, and didn’t tell my dad because they knew he’d stop me.

[pizzaalle]

That’s one of the cutest things I’ve ever heard.

[commongayboy-deactivated2018082]

Dragged to hell and back