The In & Out

Introvert. Nerd. Maybe anti-social. Demi. Engaged.This is my life.

[theinandout]

My Bad?

 I kind of forgot this thing was even here again. I am really, really bad with remembering it exists, despite the fact that I go on my other blog almost daily. I don’t post on that one. Just scroll through my feed and basically do nothing. Don’t really put effort into that one. 

I should be putting effort into this. It was meant as way for me to talk and get shit out of my head. Writing in a journal used to work. Not so much anymore. Got stale and felt like a teenager with a diary. Maybe I’ll start doodling little hearts in the corner next with my crushes name. (For the record, I’m engaged. No random crushes over here, people.) Figured doing it here would help, if I ever remembered the thing. So that’s my goal. Remember to write here, maybe make a new friend or two. Even if I’m simply talking to empty internet space, at least the things aren’t in my head anymore. 

At the moment, the one thing annoying me is my coffee. Wait, no, two! The library near my house. Used to go there all the time when I was kid. It was my safe haven. Went to renew my library card and browse the shelved. My gods. It was horrible. Row upon rows of romance novels. ONE, for air and space. And I’m not even talking about a whole book case. I’m talking about a one shelf on a book case and it wasn’t even a full book case. I was so let down. But they do have this cool online library thing now, where I can browse their entire collection and have books sent to the library closest to me to pick up and check out. Make lists and then check them out all at once. I spend a lot of time on there. So maybe it wasn’t all bad. 

I really shouldn’t have this much coffee in the morning. Later, dudes. 

[theinandout]

Can’t make this shit up

So. 

I had someone tell me that it was okay for me to come out as transgender the other day. That it was accepted and people would be okay with my transition. That would be so much easier on people if I just picked a side and stuck to it. People would be able to use right pronouns and call me the proper. Like it was ever an issue before. I was completely floored. I am or never thought about transitioning. Not that I have anything against it. Just not in my cards. 

I do not see myself as ever being one or the other. I don’t label either. Some would say non-binary  or genderfliud but to me, I doesn’t really pick. I don’t look at clothes and go boy shirt girl jeans. I see clothes. Sure, some days, I wake up and feel more like a boy than I do a girl. Happens more often than not that I pick the male side than girl. I’ve just always felt more comfortable that way. I grew up as a tomboy. Boy clothes and comics are more my style. 

Yet, there are days I like throwing on my leggings, wearing my hair down and putting on eyeliner. Okay, even when I do that, I’m not the picture of feminine but it’ll never happen. Acting girly, swapping gossip and getting manicures just isn’t my thing. I’m not interested in it. 

But to hear someone tell me to pick a side to make someone else’s life easier? Nah, chill. That definitely won’t happen either. I am me. I’ll wear my beanie’s, scuffed up Vans and skinny jeans. I’ll rock my sweaters, leggings, and tell you to suck it. I will not pick a side because my gender is none of your damn business. I am comfortable being both. My family is okay with me being both. You don’t get a say.  

You want to get my attention, call me by my name.  Call me dude. Just don’t ever tell me to change to make someone else’s life easier. I’ll make yours harder. 

[theinandout]

In and Out

It’s funny. When I sit back and think about it, the saying ‘opposites attract’is a really true statement. Never put much thought into really, never had to. This weekend, though, it caught my attention and it stuck. 

Josh is an extrovert. He can talk to everyone and anyone, from the guy standing next to him in line to the chick handing us our movie tickets. I swear this kid could would talk to a telephone if it ever came down to it. He has no problems making friends, fitting in with the crowds, being at parties, simply living. He’s the CENTER of the crowd, the class clown. Mister Universe. He’s the person most people like being around

I am none of those things. Small talk is horrible, please don’t make me do it. Going to new places bothers me. I need to find all the exits,  know I can the bathroom, and have an exit strategy. Meeting new people is worse. My personality and having RBF means I look like I constantly want to kill some one. I am the person that most others tend to avoid.

Yet- and it boggles my mind constantly- Yet Josh and I have been able to stick together for 14 years.  Through the hellhole of middle school and the depression it plaqued me with. High school. A year long fall out. Hooking up. People saying we wouldn’t make it. Work. Lives. Another bout of depression. People still saying we won’t make: We’re too different. You don’t have things in common. You’re more like friends like lovers.

Honestly, I say fuck you to anyone that doesn’t think we can make it. We’ve been doing just fine for 14 years. Nothing is ever going to stand in our way. And if anyone ever says opposites don’t work:

You ever try sticking magnets together on the same pole side? Opposites attract.

[theinandout]

Lately it feels like I’m swimming against the current in a sea with raging waves. The minute I catch my breath, the waves come crashing down again and I’m kicking to reach the top. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Most things have been looking up for me. My brain isn’t trying to kill me, we’re in the last stages of buying the house, my damn birthday’s in a few days. I should be happy. Ecstatic. 

No. Instead I’m worrying about health insurance, trying to squeeze a few more hours in at work so I can afford said insurance. Try to pack up my belongings, get ready to own a home, not feel like screaming, and still put a smile. 

I’ve felt like this before, when I was in high school. I nearly crashed and burned then. I am really trying to avoid that all now. Learn from your mistakes, ya’know. I just forgot how hard it got to breath sometimes. Just have to remember how to force air into my lungs and to keep kicking. I’ll reach calm water eventually. 

[theinandout]

My bad

Well shit. 

I forgot this thing existed. Which happens quite often with everything I am supposed to be writing in. All my journals have huge breaks in dates, it’s sad. I suck at remembering to write. I’d apologize but I don’t actually mean it. It’s my journal, nothing really serious. Besides, who’s really keeping track of this thing. Honestly? Raise your hands so I can count you all. Stop moving, I counted you twice. 

My life has been hectic these past few weeks. I have been house shopping, trying to fix a car, work a stupid ass work schedule and still manage to have a life on top of it all. I have never felt so tired in my life and I used to pull all nighters because shit that was fun.  I love sleep and man, I love it even more now. Just wish I could get a little more. Coffee and caffeine can only take me so far, ya’know. 

But, my car is fixed, after a month of not having one. All it took was a new part and a brand new wire. My blue bug is back on the road and I don’t know what I would do without it. Me and Josh found a house and the offer was accepted. Now it’s finding an inspector and signing paperwork. Carpal tunnel here I come. Can’t fix work but I got a few days off coming off and if I can squeeze a few extra hours of sleep in those days, I may call it a miracle. Life is going on. 

I need a fucking nap, man. 

[theinandout]

Lips sealed tight

I’m not good with words sometimes. I find it hilarious. I can write out my feelings, create a world with a stroke of pen, and build a human with my mind. But yet when it comes to talking, I really suck at it. I know I have the skills. You should hear me argue sometimes with my friends. I’ve been told I have no boundaries and cross all the lines. (To be clear, they’re not serious arguments and we do this shit for fun.) I have a quick wit and an even quicker mind. 

Yet sometimes, words simply escape me. It’s like they got lost between brain and mouth. They were there just seconds ago and now they disappeared. It makes talking difficult. Add in a speech impediment people love to point out and a medication that effects speech/ thought process, I feel like I lost my shit. The words die on my tongue before I’m fast enough to get them out. 

It’s hard to explain to people why I don’t talk much. Link it up with my revulsion against small talk, I’m a pretty silent person. I just hate hearing people tell to talk more, to open up. It’ll be great and you’ll make friends. Trust me, if I was going to make friends, they’d be cool with me not talking and not pressure me into doing it. But ya’know, try explaining that to someone who isn’t like you. You’re just anti-social. Or being difficult. Just ignoring the world. Living in a bubble. Sometimes I wish I could smack some sense into them and maybe then they’d understand. 

[theinandout]

Say hello world. This is me, not even twelve years old yet. First day of middle school. This is a picture I won’t even post on Facebook because I don’t want people I went to high school with to realize that I was kid they used to pick on in middle school, though I do think some of them realized it and tried to reverse their shitty behavior. Hell, I don’t even like looking at this picture. This was the first day of 3 long years of hell for me. I won’t talk about middle school, that’s how bad it was. Those years were scarring. But- 

There is always a damn but isn’t there?

But I guess those years taught me some things. I learned that people are assholes and I needed to rely on myself to get things done. On the other side of the coin, I learned that letting some people in was a good thing and I needed close friends. I learned to put my fists up and fight because no one was going to fight for me, while knowing when to simply walk away from things that didn’t deserve my effort. 

I learned all of it. 

Bullying was a huge part of my childhood and adolescence. I will never try to sugarcoat that part of me. I’ve had rock thrown at me, kids tell me to kill myself, teachers tell me it was just a phase and friends say I was just easy to make fun of. I was the quiet kid, the weird kid, the fat kid. Four eyes, Bookworm. Tubby. I had all the names. I wasn’t popular, I didn’t talk to people and making friends was hard. Why do think the kids went after me?

I’m not looking for sympathy or pity. I’d never ask for nor do I ever want it. I went through what I went through years ago. That’s part of my past. I simply wanted to get it off my chest and out of my head. My friends know more, this is just the proverbial top of iceberg. I just wanted to say I didn’t l didn’t let it get me. I didn’t let it win. I survived, just because they didn’t want me to. 

Hello, world. This is me now. 25 years old. I smile, most of the time, despite remembering what I went through. I laugh, even when I can hear their taunting laughs. I wake up because once I wished I never would again. Every day I remember, and that way, I make sure it never happens again.

[theinandout]

Soggy Shoes and a Smiling Face

So yesterday was my summer music festival. I always go to one a year. It’s a tradition since me and my fiance, Josh, started dating back in 2009. It’s tradition at this point. Also tradition for something to go sideways while we’re there. To list a few: heatstroke, sun burns, getting separated and playing Marco Polo, freezing, and playing Marco Polo with the car. This year, it was the Mother Nature that decide to dick us. Hard.

Passing shower. That’s what it said. Maybe an hour of rain tops. So we lathered on sunscreen. I burn in fifteen minute people. We got sun waiting in fucking line. That’s it. We expected more sun.

Then the sky opened up and drowned us all. I don’t say that lightly. I mean, drowned us all. Noah’s Ark rain. My shoes never stood a chance. Still drying right now. I got soaked. Josh got soaked. Everyone got soaked. It was super soaker, wet tshirt contest worthy rain showers.

Despite the rain, it was incredible. I spent five bucks and bought a rain poncho, solely to save my bag filled with everyone’s cell phone. Other than, I gave to shits about my soggy shoes, my wet hair, being cold and the weather. I was with my guy, a good friend and hundreds of people in the same boat as me. We moshed in the puddles, screamed to lyrics and met band members. It was our Woodstock. It was incredible. Nothing is ever going to top.

[theinandout]

So here’s the scoop...

I figured since I keep forgetting to write in my journals, this might actually be a better way to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I have a lot of them and man, they love racing around sometimes. I need a way to get them out and what better way then to talk to some invisible people I can’t see. Even if no one reads it, at least it’s out there. 

I don’t like talking to people. Okay. That’s a lie. I don’t like small talk with other people. Topics like the weather, celebrities, sports and how I’m feeling are things that make me feel ill. I can’t stand going to the hair dresser because I know that she’s going to make small talk. It’s a trip I try to avoid. I’m starting to believe she hates me. I do like to talk, I am actually really good at it. Simply get me involved me in topics that are interesting. In depth conversations are amazing. I could talk for hours and then some. I’ve gotten told to shut up a few times before. Not often but occasionally. 

But here, on the computer, in the silence of my room, I can talk to everyone. Without ever having to actually talk. It’s amazing what you can do nowadays. An introvert can open up about life to anyone wanting to read what;s being written. Now if anyone actually reads and looks at this blog.