The Joe Pilato

If you like any of my posts, you should read all of them. Also on Twitter @TheJoePilato

[thejoepilato]

Do you ever tell yourself a joke then suddenly need to see it come to life?

[thejoepilato]

Prediction: -t cuts funding to everything that doesn’t interest him -citizens donate to shore things up -t looks around at a cut budget with no consequences and declares himself the Best Businessman Ever

[thejoepilato]

Imagine a cafe with board games on the shelf. A group of friends shows up, selects Monopoly, and starts a game. They round the board, buy things, make deals, etc. As each person leaves, they hand off their assets to friends who’ve joined them at the cafe. This goes on for some time. Now you show up. “Great,” you think. “I love Monopoly!” So they deal you in. You get the same amount of money as the beginning players did. But they don’t reset the board. The deeds are all bought. Massive capital has been built. The properties have been developed. The only remaining piece is the wheelbarrow. You try a few rounds but there’s nowhere safe to land. You make your measly salary each time around, and maybe you even land on Free Parking (with the house rule that you get the cash in the middle), but that cash is gone before long and you find yourself hoping for bank errors in your favor. The other players might even give you discounted rents to keep you and your salary in the game but there’s simply no way up. Any protests you make about fairness are met with disdain. “Hey,” they’ll say, “you were given the same resources as everybody else and we’re all playing by the same rule; we’re just making better use of what we have.” Sometimes I wonder who would end up on top if we flipped the board.

[thejoepilato]

Fairy Tales Revisited

When the pied piper, stiffed after driving out the rats, proceeds to drive out the children, you know there were a few people in town like “yes! this is the greatest day ever!”

[thejoepilato]

I was working in an upscale apartment building and learned that some sinks don’t have basins. Apparently rich people don’t even wash their hands in a way that I comprehend.

[thejoepilato]

[thejoepilato]

-I work for 7/11

-Oh really? Do you tend the counter or mop the floors or

-No no, every morning I venture out into the crisp, dew-covered meadows and harvest the ripest blueberries nature has provided for me!

[thejoepilato]

Someone has done what we all thought we were doing in middle school.

[thejoepilato]

Rewatching Avatar: The Last Airbender and don’t think I noticed the first time through that Zuko and Iroh get mooned by a pirate.

[thejoepilato]

I’ve been rewatching Avatar: The Last Airbender and just watched The King of Omashu, where we meet Bumi. Couple of things I didn’t notice before: three kids are charged with vandalism and brought before the king. The king! For vandalism! How crime-free is this city that you get brought before the most high court for smashing some cabbages? And during the meal that he throws them, Bumi mentions, apropos of nothing, that chicken skin is removed from drumsticks because his people were getting fat--this place is fucking crazy.

[thejoepilato]

Rope, knife, various blunt force-dealing objects...

My kink bag is starting to look like a game of Clue.

[thejoepilato]

"Learning the ropes" seems innocuous until you realize the other way to say it is "getting the hang of things."

[thejoepilato]

I've never in my life wanted to smoke a cigarette but I've always wanted to flick one. I've even been practicing--you should see me with a toothpick.

[thejoepilato]

What if my cat-like reflexes are keeping me from meeting the love of my life in a round-the-corner hands-full crash? I can't be head over heels if I'm light on my toes.

[thejoepilato]

Idea: an app that tracks celebrity body sizes so you know whose clothes you should be trying to buy off eBay.

[thejoepilato]

Snapchat should allow tags on snaps so you can know if they'll be loud or nude or so cute that you'll go Awwwww in front of your coworkers.

[thejoepilato]

I never worried what people were doing with remote controls until I started going to hotels that presented them in bags that said Fresh.