Moving Forward Is Hard To Do
These past six and a half years have been comfortable. I kept the same job, frequented the same stores and even gained a "frequent visitor" reputation at my local Kroger. I've witnessed my friends go through relationship and financial issues; you know, the shit that is actually supposed to happen in your 20's. Many times I stood there, listening to their stories, feeling guilty because I sensed they felt I couldn’t relate. Now, before you go rolling your eyes, I have bunked with the struggle. We know each other very well. I grew up poor and I'm still poor. Like every average worker, I earn just enough to get by. My friends were so busy going through issues that they normally ignored mines. In their eyes, I was the friend who had it all together. As little as they know, I’ve been battling with depression for years. I’m in a tiring cycle with my job, and I hate where I live. I have six years of experience under my belt that I could use for a job that probably pays double, yet I stay here. I also told myself that I would move into a better area once my lease was up—for three years in a row —but I'm still living here. I'm not sure if I’m sabotaging myself or if I'm just complacent, although the complacent title is hard to own. I’m naturally spontaneous, and I'm known to drop all my plans if you proposition me with a good time. But I'm learning that you can be complacent and outgoing at the same time. Like I mentioned earlier, I bunked with the struggle.
Prior to moving to this city, I was really in a bad situation. I was still a teenager in college trying to juggle a full-time job and relationship with no external support from family. At 19, I owned a 1996 Dodge Intrepid, the definition of a lemon, that was shadier than Beyonce's Lemonade. My car was famous for cutting out on the highway. My job commute was 40 minutes each way, so everyday was a stress. I prayed that I would make it safely to and from work. My checks were in the $250-350 range. I barely made enough to cover rent for the month. I studied for college on my off days. These days were worst than the stress of traveling back and forth to work. There was no mental space to concentrate. I used to keep migraine pills on handy because I would get massive headaches. I was also overweight, so my diet was piss poor. I knew my life was overall unhealthy.
A few months later, the family planned a get-together for my grandmother, who was very ill. My aunt, who lived in Indianapolis, came down and offered me to come down to see if I liked it. She was always trying to recruit family members there. She said her husband’s family followed them from New York to Indiana. But that’s not the way our family works. I was skeptical; after all, I didn't even know where Indiana was on the map. But I also knew anywhere was better than Maryland, so I happily accepted the offer. My girlfriend, at the time, and I flew down to Indiana and stayed for a week and a half. We were only supposed to stay for a few days but a bad blizzard struck as soon as we got to Indy. I remember the hassle we both went through trying to explain to our bosses that we were unable to work. Aside from the blizzard, I enjoyed Indianapolis. It was spacious and there seemed to be lots of jobs.
I got fired from my job the same week we flew back to Maryland. I don't think my boss believed that I was stuck in a blizzard. It didn't matter to me because that was my cue to move to Indy. After two long weeks, we made the choice to leave Maryland. It was hard because I barely knew my aunt, and I would be leaving all my family behind. We gathered our things into my girlfriend’s small car with $86 dollars and a dream. Six days after moving to Indy, I scored a job with AT&T and I've worked there ever since. We were able to move out my aunt’s house a few weeks later and things have been smooth sailing since, through rose-colored glasses. My relationship ended shortly after moving, but she stayed in Indy and is now married. I fell in love again twice after that. The third one was the charm and we have been together for two years.
It's funny how writing will sometimes answer your own question. I was confused because, intentionally, I didn't know the cause of me not wanting to move; but writing out this revealed the truth. I'm afraid of losing my stability. Prior to relocating from Maryland, I didn't have any stability. It could have went wrong at any time in Maryland. But things are consistent here and that's what keeps me placed. I'm afraid that I couldn’t hold down a new job. I'm afraid that I'd be leaving my fiance with the burden to take care of us both. But I could lose my job now and lose everything as I know it. Fear is something that I struggle with constantly. In the darkest times, fear has crippled me and my thoughts, taking over my mind like a spirit, but it will never stop me from my destiny. I've tackled so many personal and mental battles, now it is time for the physical battle—to do better. I deserve it.
