Today was a super hard day for me. I attempted to talk to Daddy about my feelings & things that triggered me and once again it got turned around into something completely different.
I was trying to explain that I noticed that when I try to talk to him about my feelings that he makes me like I’m attention seeking by rolling his eyes at me. Whether it was involuntary or not I just wanted him to be mindful of it because it was one of those TINY things that trigger my BPD. When he does that it makes me feel like he doesn’t love or care for me. This leads me to yell at him. He then tells me that he can’t deal with my outburst anymore, he's tired, he’s had enough. This intern triggers my abandonment issues.
I understand how hard it is to deal with me but rolling yours eyes at me doesn’t make it better. When I come to talk to you about something don’t roll eyes like I’m bothering you. I’m sorry that I have these issues but who else am I supposed to talk to about them if you’ve had enough?
At this point I've come to realize that I'm the cause of everything wrong in our life. He doesn’t work because of me. He stays home to take care of me but that's not enough for him. He cooks my food, makes sure I’m taken care of, makes sure I have my meds, plans things for us to do, holds me when I feel sad, tries to make me laugh when I’m feeling depressed. He does everything for me.
But I do nothing but sit in our bed all day long on my phone. I’m either fighting and causing problems online so I try to tell him about it and I split because I can tell he does care about what I’m saying or I’m depressed feeling like there isn’t any reason for living. When I have the spoons I can do our laundry and drive us but even those take most of my spoons for the day.
Unfortunately there is nothing I can say or do to help my Daddy anymore. I told him for over 4 hours today that I didn’t want to live anymore. I told him that I couldn’t see my point of living. I told him that I knew that I was the cause of all of our problems. I told him that I knew that if I was dead that he could be happy because I obviously don’t make him happy. He told me that I ruined his dream of living in OR, that he can’t deal with me anymore, that I have to tell him what I need. He doesn’t smile around me anymore, I don’t make him laugh, & most of the time I don’t even know why I live.
I asked him today to tell me how I make him happy? Why I should not kill myself? What do I do to make him feel loved? And I got that I can drive him places. I got that I can feed my puppy. I got told that make him smile & laugh but he never does that around me because according to him I’m always yelling at him. I ask him what physical things can I do to show him that I love him and I get told to get drinks or smoke. I respond with I see that as a submissive thing and that whole point of a submissive doing those things is to show their Dominus that they love them, care for them, and would LITERALLY do ANYTHING for them. But giving up my whole self, my identity, and relying on him to care for me is not showing love. But me LITERALLY being dependent on him day in and day out is not showing him love. But me hurting myself during a split because he doesn't want to understand me is not showing love. Yelling at the top of my lungs that I don't know what the point of my life is not enough.
To him HE should be the reason I stay here but yet you can't even tell me WHY! Why you love, why I’m worth it, what I do for you, nothing! It everything YOU do for ME. YOU love ME, YOU would miss ME, BUT WHY???!?!?!?
I’m not good for anything but driving apparently. I’m not smart, funny, confident nothing. The reason I should stay is for YOU!!! The reason I should stay is because YOU would feel bad. I should stay so YOU don’t feel bad or look bad. I should stay so you can tell me all the thing you do for me to tell me how again YOU love ME? I should stay because.......I can drive you, because I can sometimes do laundry, because I can sometimes take care of my puppy. Those are great thing for me to stay for YOU!!!!
Honestly the point of all this is the fact that I realized I can’t do anything right. I’m the reason he doesn’t work. I’m the reason we get evicted, I’m the reason we had bankruptcy, I’m the reason the cops get called, I’m the reason he has anxiety, I’m the reason I get fired, I’m the reason I can’t have a relationship whether friendship or partnership. I’m the reason everyone in my family is depressed. I’m the reason why my whole family feels inadequate and unloved. I’m the reason my relationship is going south. I’m the reason for every shitty fucking thing going on in my life all because my husband is trying his best to help me by saying he loves me, by saying he cares for me, by pointing out all the things I can’t do, by pointing out all the things he does for me, by doing everything for me so I can sit in bed all day long depressed trying to figure why I shouldn’t kill myself for YOU!!!
