Please please please follow me on my new blog if you want to keep following my story.
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Misplaced Lens Cap
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@thelifeandlossofmybutton-blog
Please please please follow me on my new blog if you want to keep following my story.
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP FOLLOWING ME THEN PLEASE FOLLOW MY NEW BLOG. This will also help me to re-follow your blog!!! Thank you x
Back online and...
... I think I may need to stop using this blog and start afresh. As much as my pregnancy made me so happy, and I love the people who I follow and who follow me, I feel like it might be good to just begin anew so I don't feel like this is one long sequence of events, especially if I get pregnant again any time in the near future. I want a break between Poppy and the next baby, even if that is just a webpage of a difference between their stories.
Does that make sense?
I'll definitely link a new blog on here though so you'll still be able to follow my story if you want to, and then I'll be able to re-follow you as well. I'll of course not be pretending that Poppy doesn't exist on a new blog either. It'll just not be "as it happens" blogging. It'll be reflective blogging. And to be fair, looking back on Poppy's short life inside me made me extremely happy, happier than I've ever been, so I won't be forgetting that. It'll just be in perspective rather than a jump from naive bliss to absolute hell.
What I've been doing whilst I've been away...
OK so you probably know by now that I don't have internet in my new house until 27th November. Yes, it is horrible. Especially with my uni deadlines creeping up on me. That's not what this post is about though.
I met a girl from a forum last Wednesday who happens to live near me. She also happens to have been through a termination for medical reasons (tfmr) as well in July, so she knows what I am going through. It was really good to see her. We shared pictures of our babies and talked for 3 hours about everything we could possibly say about our experience. I felt like I could've had a lot more to say but she had to go so maybe we will meet up again in the future. She's TTC now but I've got a bit of a way to go before I'm at that stage I think.
Yesterday I went to a memorial service for babies that have left us too soon. When we got to the church we had to write Poppy's name on a little card so that during the service they could read out all the names on the cards and place them with a lit candle. We got to take home the card and the little card at the end as well which was nice.
It was nice to be able to go to the service and mourn for Poppy. We chose to not arrange a funeral for her so the hospital have cremated her. I thought it would be a bit too much to get through. It was nice to sing songs and say prayers for Poppy with lots of other families who have been through the same thing. I saw the midwife there as well who had talked me through everything after I had had my 20 week scan. She's looking forward to me calling in the future to tell her I am pregnant!
I downloaded a book to my Kindle yesterday called "What to expect: Before you're expecting". I thought it would reassure me in the future that I am being as healthy as possible for my next pregnancy. In hindsight I stopped taking the pill and let myself fall pregnant without really looking at my lifestyle. I'm going to do things very differently this time.
It also mentions the MMR vaccine and says that the risk of harm to the baby if you do accidentally fall pregnant is a "theoretical risk". They didn't explain what that meant very well, but it just means that in theory their could be a risk because if you got ill from one of the illnesses it protects you from naturally then you could pass that on to your baby, so the same applies when they put the weakened virus into your body as well. Research shows that there is virtually no risk, but knowing my luck I'd be the exception so I'm going to be careful. I had unprotected sex before I knew about this though and sperm lives for around 5 days in your body, so if I ovulated then in theory I could've got pregnant. I doubt that though. I'm not likely to be that lucky. I'd be surprised if I even ovulated at all any time soon after all the stress I've been under.
I also went back to university on Thursday and it was really hard. I felt like nobody knew what to say to me so it felt a bit awkward. Hopefully it will get better but it wore me out so I didn't go in on Friday. I'll go in next week for both days and stay overnight in the Travelodge so I don't have to face the four train commute at 6am on Friday morning. That might make things slightly easier to face!
So yeah, basically that's what I have been up to. Plus the increasingly large pile of university work that never seems to go down. I've also made myself a new email account so I don't have to spend loads of time unsubscribing to all the different websites I had signed up for. I think it'll be a lot easier that way, and I won't get any post seeing as I've also moved house.
I wish I had the internet at home at the moment because it would make my life so much better. I find it therapeutic to be able to blog about this stuff and at the moment I don't have that outlet unless I go to the library, and I constantly watch the clock when I'm here! Thank you for listening to me though, it helps!
2 weeks
Hi everyone,
I still have no internet at my house. It is going to be sorted out on 27th November. It seems FOREVER until then, especially seeing as I have an exam coming up and an essay deadline.
It has been two weeks since we said goodbye to Poppy. It seems like a long time ago and just yesterday at the same time.
Today was really hard because I had to go for an MMR booster. Sounds pretty straight forward? Well They found out my protection against rubella was low from the bloods taken at my booking in appointment. They told me that it's not good to have no protection against rubella and that I'd need this injection after I had my baby. Anyway, I can't try to conceive for over a month now because MMR is a live vaccination so it could make the baby ill if I got pregnant. There is a possibility that I haven't had the vaccination as a baby so that may mean I'll need ANOTHER injection of it in a month's time, which would mean I have to wait two months to try again.
Well it's true, I've now had my baby. Everything is just coming too soon now. Anyway, I can't try to conceive for over a month now because MMR is a live vaccination so it could make the baby ill if I got pregnant. There is a possibility that I haven't had the vaccination as a baby so that may mean I'll need ANOTHER injection of it in a month's time, which would mean I have to wait two months to try again.
I also went back to university for the first time today. Nobody really asked me much so that made it easier, but I got myself a bit worked up at the thought of it. Fortunately my good friend was there to support me.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out. And stamped on repeatedly.
I wish I could do something for you. I weep for you even though I do not know you. I can't imagine what something like this feels like and I can't imagine how strong you must be. I will pray for you, that in this time you may have loving hands wrapped around you for strength and comfort. I wish you all the best in your recovery. You are truly a mother to look up to.
Thank you. My recovery appears to be going reasonably well. I do find it frustrating to still have some symptoms of pregnancy. However, my body is beginning to look less pregnant now. I'm a bag of mixed emotions about all id this. I'm just praying that I will have a healthy baby in the future.
I'm very glad Obama won today so that your rights will be defended. While the idiots on my Facebook are arguing about partial birth abortions, all I can think of is your struggle and journey. You're a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother.
Fortunately I'm from the UK. However, I want every woman in this world to be able to make the choice to end a pregnancy, particularly one like mine that would result in a suffering or dead child, without stigma or other negative consequences i.e. legal action against her. I don't know if I'm a good mother because I've only been tested in one way albeit it a hugely challenging way. I would like to think that I'm a good person for being able to set aside my own wants and put the needs of my much more vulnerable child first. I hope that the decision I made was the best one. For all I really know my child might have survived and proved the doctors wrong. I took away that possibility. But I did that out of love and compassion for my child and that is the best I could've done. I look at her photographs at every opportunity to admire how perfect she is. She will always be that way now. She will never have invasive life threatening surgery or be ill. She won't have tofight. She can just sleep peacefully. If she wasn't going to have to fight for her life from day 1 then things might've been a lot different. Sadly the doctors thought she would never leave the hospital. I just pray that any future children I conceive will be healthy. They'll be told they have a big sister who is an angel, she wont be forgotten.
Very quickly....
Thank you to everyone who has posted in my ask box. I haven't got time to personally reply to all of you because of the lack of internet (should be installed 27th November - ages away). It means a lot that you are thinking of me. Hopefully you will keep following me so in the future you can be a part of any future pregnancies I am blessed with.
6 days
I've had a couple of countdowns during my time writing this blog. None of them were quite like counting down the days I spent in hospital to end my pregnancy. I had this weird sense of de ja vu then, like I'd already written about this to you and just forgotten. I suppose the past week or so has been a bit of a blur. A blur that has resulted in me no longer being pregnant, now bleeding, aching, full of teeny holes from too many needles... and really sad.
On the Thursday (25th October) I had to go to the hospital for roughly an hour to sign the paperwork to end my pregnancy and take a tablet. The tablet would put an end to the hormonal changes that result from pregnancy, and begin to prepare my body for what was to come. In 48 hours (Saturday) I would return to the hospital and begin (properly) to end my pregnancy. I was told that because I am a first time mum that it might take more than 24 hours to actually induce the labour, so it would probably be Sunday when I had her. So I basically prepared myself for my baby's life being over by Sunday.
On Saturday I went into hospital at 9am like I was told. Michael came with me, carrying our big bag of stuff. It wasn't put together with the same love and hope that goes with packing your hospital bag but it had pretty much the same sort of stuff. Just without the things that my baby would need... but I did take a blanket and a teddy bear for her. I was given 4 tablets internally (vaginally) and then every three hours after that I was given the same tablets orally. They were meant to soften my cervix to make way for my baby to arrive.
By Midnight-ish I did actually think she might arrive. Gooey mucus/blood stuff came out of me and they said this was "a show", and that hopefully my waters would break soon.
Only she didn't arrive that day. On Sunday I was given the same tablet that I had on Thursday. They couldn't give me the same medication again because trying to make my uterus contract for so long could damage my body. So it was basically a quiet day of more waiting. Michael was a bit agitated by the night time because he was obviously frustrated that nothing had happened yet. I knew how he was feeling but I was pleased in a way that my body was refusing to give her up so easily.
By this time I'd had codeine and paracetamol tablets and a pethedine injection. The pethedine made me really sick, which was horrible because I had also been struggling to eat so I was basically just throwing up lots of chemically-tasting stomach acid.
I did manage to sleep quite well in hospital though. And on Monday they gave me the internal tablets again followed by the oral medication. My contractions weren't as strong as they were on Saturday evening though and I began to question what would happen if she still didn't arrive. I was told they may consider "manually removing her". I wasn't entirely sure what they meant by this, but I assumed they meant a C-section (which was true). We were told that it still might happen today but we could tell they were having a few doubts by this point.
Tuesday was probably the worst day of the whole experience, but the more I try and remember the full sequence of events the more it all blurs into one. Basically they inserted a balloon catheter into me. The idea is that they inflate thse small balloons inside you to ease open your cervix (fun!). I had this tube dangling between my legs from 11am and they told me that at 11pm they would remove it. They decided at 11pm though that they weren't going to do that, and that they were going to leave it in overnight and break my waters in the morning.
At this point I was bleeding most of the time, kind of like a light period. Plus I had the added discomfort of the tubes between my legs. I was told that if my cervix opened enough and labour started that the balloons would drop out on their own, so I kept paying too much attention to them, wondering if every time they hit against my legs whether they had eased out a little bit. I think I slept OK though that night.
Wednesday morning, I was wheeled into the room that they'd taken me to to put in the balloon catheter. A male doctor did the balloon catheter stuff so that was a first for me as well. I've never had a male doctor near my vagina. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, though I just wanted them to hurry up and get her out by this point to be honest. He smiled when he was taking out the balloon catheter at something that was unusual. I think he was able to just watch it deflate rather than having to do anything to it, but I didn't bother asking.
Once it was out I was relieved because it had been the most uncomfortable part of the whole process. Then they broke my waters. Although it was a weird sensation it was absolute relief to feel that warm fluid escape from me. To know that she was going to be here that day was just like letting out a big sigh of relief that I'd been holding in since Thursday. At some point earlier (less than 48 hours earlier) I'd already had a canulla put into my hand to give me fluids as I was really dehydrated from being so sick, so they were able to just connect me up to the stuff that would make my womb contract.
I didn't really get the urge to push. I just felt so fed up by around 2pm that I thought I'd push a little and see if anything moved. She popped halfway out of me, bottom first and I had to call the midwife. I'd lost a large clot a little while before so I wasn't sure at this point whether it was just another large clot or not. Fortunately it was definitely her this time. After another push she was out, and then fortunately after a few more after that my placenta came away on its own as well with the small help from the injection that they would normally give women to help them deliver the placenta. I didn't need a D&C like they thought I might, as they had warnde me that with first time mums in my position the placenta doesn't always naturally come away.
And then she was here.
Poppy was born at 2.25pm on 31st October 2012. She weighed 410g, less than 1lb.
She was perfect. She didn't look unwell. She looked fast asleep. She didn't have a moment of life beyond my body, but I'm OK with that. She looked so peaceful. I've taken a number of photographs of her with us and in a moses basket. I love to look at them before I go to sleep at night. I'm going to get them printed out so I can frame some of them, and put them all into an album as well.
They gave her a little pink knitted hat to wear which I was able to keep, and they wrapped her in the blanket that I had taken for her. They look little cast impressions of her hand and footprints which will be made into a hanging plate with her name and date of birth on it. They took ink prints of them too and put them in a little remembrance book. They took their own pictures of her as well but I don't like them very much as the light quality and poses weren't right. She did actually look dead in them instead of asleep.
We stayed overnight with her and in the morning I asked for a priest to come and bless her before we said our goodbyes. It hurts more than anything out of the whole experience, but I found out after the priest had gone that he wasn't the Catholic priest I had asked for. Which I should've expected really but I didn't really think very logically. I thought that a Catholic priest might reject me for my decision, but I did not expect them to reject my innocent baby. Needless to say I won't be entering a Catholic church again to worship or recognising as a Catholic any more. I can't belong to a group that believes my choice to prevent my child suffering was wrong. I didn't end her life because I didn't love or want her, but because I was told she would die anyway. "Incompatible with life" they said. I will never ask for forgiveness for my actions, because they were chosen out of love and compassion.
I've spent my 1 hour of free internet time at the library typing this out instead of getting resources together for my uni work. Not particularly clever of me but never mind. It is £1.50 for half an hour after this free hour. I don't think that is particularly reasonable. I might write to the council and ask them to review their policies.
Anyway, I'm home now. I'm trying to get a firm hold of my life and find the positivity in this situation. People keep saying things like "you'll be a mum soon" and "you'll have another baby".
I am a mum now. It just happens to be that my baby didn't survive. I hope I will have another baby, which I will try for once my body has healed and I am ready, but it won't be a replacement for Poppy. He or she will just be her little brother or sister. That's all OK. My daughter is perfect and she always will be. Of course I'll ache for her, but that's just natural. But this is right in its own way because of these circumstances.
No Internet
Hi everyone, I was in hospital for 6 days and when I came out I moved into our new house. I have no proper internet for 3 weeks and my phone never really lets me blog very well. I'm surprised it is letting me now. I want to write proper blog posts about my experience rather than sort text message-length posts. I have a lot to say. Please bear with me.
babylink replied to your post: this is going to sound yucky, but how am I…
I have the same kind of worry, i’ve never been very… wide down there >.< it doesn’t help my anxiety about childbirth! I also worry how i’ll handle the pain of contractions :S
I totally understand, I will worry until the day it happens, until then nothing will prepare me, the thought of something so big coming out of something so little ah :( can’t believe how women have 10 pound babies!
Apparently bigger babies are easier than small ones to give birth to because they use their weight to help the process along.
I'll be thinking of you on Saturday, and in the meantime, many internet hugs are coming your way.
Thank you. I just hope it is as straight forward as it can be with no complications.
My thoughts and love go out to you and your partner <3
Thank you very much. It means a lot to have so much support.
Saturday
On Saturday morning I need to go to the hospital to have my baby. There is a little self-contained flat type thing on the labour ward especially for women going through pregnancies like mine, but there is only one of them so they are hoping that it will be available when I go in. Nobody else is planned to go in it but sometimes women having healthy pregnancies end up using the room if the baby loses its heartbeat or something like that. Obviously nobody can really plan for that happening so we'll just have to wait and see.
My baby is going to have a very dignified birth and death, so that is something to be thankful for. Even if I have to have her on the main ward I know I'll be looked after. The midwives are all lovely.
I asked the scary questions: what chance is there of having another baby in this condition, how soon can I try to get pregnant again.
Apparently my risk of down's syndrome increases slightly compared to other women my age, but I'm young so hopefully the 1% extra she told me won't really affect me again.
I can try to conceive again in 2-3 months when I have grieved for my little girl and healed from this process. She said there isn't any physical reason to not try again soon, more emotional reasons.
I'm scared about giving birth to her but it is the least I can do for her. She's going to be worth all the physical and emotional pain of the next few days, weeks, months etc. Because I'm a first time mum it might take more than 1 day to actually have her, and I might need a procedure to remove my placenta as they don't always come away naturally like they would normally do during pregnancy. Obviously the body doesn't realise that the time has come to do that.
I had something else to add but I've completely forgotten. Maybe I'll remember later on or tomorrow. There is quite a lot to think about at the moment.
Your story is so heartbreaking, i would honestly do the same if i was in your situation i cant even imagine how you're feeling, your in my prayers! <3
Thank you. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is a healthy one. x
I'm so sorry for your loss, I was keeping your family in my prayers since you found out about her heart problem. I will continue to think about you and wish you peace during this difficult time.
Thank you.
I'll be having my baby on Saturday if everything goes as expected.
Your story is making me sob. You are so strong for doing this for your little girl and I understand your reasoning. I like to think I would do the same for my little boy.
Please don't be sad. I've cried enough tears for everyone! I don't feel very strong at the moment but I know I have to do this and accept that it is happening.