12:51 thoughts
The anxiety of past memories excite my inner passion. Filling with nothing but emptiness only yearning to feel what was once felt. Memories of that time become an idealized image that cannot be forgotten even if your willing to do so. You try so hard to determine your outcome of emotions but it’s enviable what you’ll feel. The heart does indeed do what the heart does and your body cannot contain it. Detrimental to your state of mind, this anxiety becomes all you consume day in and out. How can I possibly get past this? More than a year a go and my feelings have grown stronger. How can I possibly forget ? I saw you once and I will see you again but this time I’ll hold my head high knowing I won. Knowing that your actions towards me had not affected me even when it’s been all I do when my body and mind allow it. Even when I know I lie to myself. I will come out of this successful and free of your enslavement. Your just an idea, you’re not real. The real you had me growing weird places and I didn’t like it. My heart sank, I didn’t like it. I had butterflies in my stomach, I didn’t like it. Was it love? No. I was ashamed of feeling, of loving, of forgetting what the idea meant. I was ashamed, I am ashamed. Love was forgetting and letting go, I didn’t do that. But till this day your longing is missed and maybe your idea is the actual thing I miss. I need another emotion to fill my emptiness. I need it badly. I need another person to occupy my mind so I will in fact be successful in moving forward. Like you seem to have. I can’t help but acknowledge your progression towards other human beings and I am jealous. I am jealous of the idea of you forgetting me so easily . The ease you seem propel gives me the idea that you never were interested in me as much as I had thought. Perhaps, I was your infatuation, I was your adventure, I was your passage to love, I was temporary. That hurts, I won’t say it doesn’t. How hypocrite of me to think I wasn’t using you either. I was lonely and like right now, I needed to feel like I mattered to someone, to know that I passionately and emotionally ignited a spark within a person. To know that if I stop giving my attention, they’ll feel lonely and incomplete. I need that right now. Expressing my feelings isn’t helping me but it’s a way of therapy I guess.
